by Max Hudson
“No, let’s go out,” I grinned, heat and happiness filling my heart. “I’m starving.” What did it matter if people guessed now? Who cared what anyone thought? I was happy, Joey seemed happy, what did it matter? I’d been too worried about how I’d be perceived, but now it was the absolute bottom of my list of priorities.
I pulled my clothes back on, my emotions darting about like an excitable bunny. In the depth of my heartache I never thought I’d find happiness again. Now I was happier than I’d ever been before. It was incredible.
Chapter Twelve
God, I was such a cliché. Now that I had some happiness in my life, I was practically skipping to work. I had a massive smile on my face the entire time, making me beam like a sappy idiot. I was even saying hello to every single person that I passed… I was like a totally changed man.
I unlocked the shop, excited to get back to work in a place I adored. Yes, it would be torture looking out on the ocean the entire time while I had to keep my feet on dry land, but I could recall all my awesome times with Joey while I waited for the day to pass me by. I could even think about what I was going to do the next time I managed to get back out there, because there wouldn’t be anything holding me back now, I was determined to get it nailed now that I’d overcome my biggest fear.
I could also think about the fact that Joey and I had dinner plans for tonight, I could fantasize over where that might lead. Now that I had a little more confidence in myself, maybe I could try and give Joey some of the pleasure he’d given me the night before…
“Hi,” a strangely familiar voice stunned me to my core, causing me to wheel around in shock. “How are you?”
As soon as I saw her face again, iciness claimed my heart. I hadn’t ever expected to speak to her again, never mind finding her here. And why was she looking so small, so shrunken in on herself? This was absolutely nothing like the proud, statuesque woman that I was used to.
“What the hell are you doing here, Maria?” I wanted my tone to be cold, but realistically I simply sounded nervous. I couldn’t help that, even now she managed to have a terrible effect on me. I thought that I was completely over her, I assumed that I was done, but with her standing right in front of me… well, I couldn’t totally figure out how I felt. Everything was churned up and confused.
“I came to see you, silly,” she moved closer to me and pinched my hip, trying to give me a gentle reminder of the good times we had together. “I missed you.”
You are pathetic! I physically winced when I remembered the words she spat at me on that night. You’re a weak, sniveling guy with absolutely no back bone.
“I thought you hated me,” Yeah, I sounded bitter, but the words were spraying past my lips like bullets regardless of what I wanted. “I thought I made you suicidal.”
She wrapped one of her arms around my waist, and even though I wanted to shake her off, it felt like my limbs were too frozen to make that happen. Instead of acting and doing something about her, I stood there like the weak, feeble guy she seemed to make me. And she knew it.
This was the opposite to an ideal ‘bumping into an ex’ scenario! It was going terribly. I was stronger now… or I was supposed to be. What the hell was going on?
“Oh, you know I didn’t mean any of that,” she was sidling closer still, curving herself into me. “I just said it because I was embarrassed. I didn’t like being caught in such a humiliating situation, so I turned into a hateful bitch.”
“You think that was humiliating for you?” My mind totally snapped, finally finding what I needed inside of me to wrench her arms away. “You think I wanted to walk in on you with some random guy? You think that didn’t tear me apart?”
“But it was one tiny mistake.” She pouted out her lip, acting like this was just a funny argument that she could easily worm her way out of. “You can’t punish me for that, can you?”
“What you did wasn’t one tiny mistake, it destroyed us.” I was doing my best not to let anger get the better of me, but a red mist was descending over my eyes making it difficult for me to think straight. “What are you doing here?” I snapped once more. “Why did you come all this way, and don’t give me any bullshit, Maria.”
“I was wrong,” she groaned passionately, grabbing dramatically onto her cheeks as if to highlight her point. “About everything that I said. I was an idiot. I guess I just forgot how good we were together. You were working long hours, and you seemed so stressed all the time. To be honest I thought you were growing bored with me.” She glanced up at me, desperately trying to see how I would react to this news, so I tried to keep my expression as stoic as possible. I couldn’t give anything away; I didn’t want her to have the upper hand. “But I notice you being gone. I’ve tried to get by without you, but it’s so hard. Everything seems… duller without you in New York. I want you to come back with me.”
She was saying all the right things, everything that I needed her to say to me not so long ago when I couldn’t get off the couch as sadness ate me up alive. I would have pushed all my fears aside, I would’ve ignored the fact that we really were wrong for each other, and I would have gone back to be with her. It was shameful to admit really, but Maria always made me that weak.
Not anymore though, I’d seen a better life. There was no way in hell that I’d end up back in New York, I just couldn’t do it.
“I’m not coming back,” I replied firmly, doing my best to keep my tone steady. This was potentially the most important statement that I’d ever make and I needed to do it right. “I can’t come back to you Maria, ever.”
“Why not?” she whined, losing all her cool and dignity. She’d gone from shy and meek, to seductress in a heartbeat. Now she was transforming again, it was fascinating to watch really. She should’ve been up on the stage! “Come on, you loved it in New York, you enjoyed our time together. You can’t just forget all of that now.”
“No, I really didn’t,” I laughed mirthlessly, throwing my hands up in the air in an exasperated manner. “I don’t know how you can ever have thought I was happy. Could you not see how much I hated my job? Wasn’t it obvious that I was only doing it to keep you in the lifestyle you needed? It was never me, and I can’t go back to living a lie.”
Maria winced, as if my words caused her physical pain, which almost made me want to retract them completely. I had to run my fingers over my lips, just to keep them sealed shut.
“Didn’t I make you happy?”
Admittedly her question threw me a bit, because until the moment I found her in bed with another man, I thought she was the only thing that did make me happy. I adored being around her, I loved her smile, her lips, her body, her personality… sure, it was all seen through rose-tinted glasses, but there had to be something about her that kept me in New York when I hated it.
“You did once,” I gazed out onto the ocean, trying to block her out, but she was still filtering through into my system all the same. “But that was before I knew what I really wanted in life.”
“And what’s that?” she sneered, the bitterness coming back to her tone, reminding me of that night once more. “What could possibly be better for you than me? What can you possibly have in this hell hole that’s better than what you had in the city? Look at you, working as some bum in a surf shop… isn’t that the same job you had when you left school? This is all just a holiday, a break from real life. It won’t make you happy forever. You’ll soon resent leaving a promising career and a nice house, you’ll regret throwing your intelligence down the toilet to work in a crappy job in your home town. Do you realize just how sad that is?"
Uh oh… I didn’t like to admit it, but deep down I realized that maybe she was right. Maybe that was what had sent me into Joey’s arms, maybe this was all just an overcorrection to my other life, a way of trying to overcome the pain that Maria caused me. Maybe it kept me happy now, but there could be a chance it wouldn’t last.
Was that possible, or was she just cleverly screwing with my mind again?
I spun around to look at her, my insides churning, sickness spreading. “Just get out,” I whispered at her. “Leave me alone, and don’t come back.”
“Fine,” she slung her bag over her shoulder and stared defiantly into my eyes. “But you’ll come crawling back, I know you will. I’m staying at that awful beach shack hotel thing at the end of the road and I can guarantee that you’ll be over to see me tonight.”
“Not a chance in hell!” She might’ve freaked me out, but I wasn’t that desperate.
“Oh yeah?” Just as she swung the door opened, she delivered her final blow. “Well if you don’t, then you’ll never get to see your baby.”
Baby? As the door crashed behind her, my mind desperately tried to keep up. Does that mean…?
Oh my God!
Chapter Thirteen
Pregnant?
She was pregnant? An hour had passed, and that news still hadn’t sunk in. What the hell was I going to do if Maria was having my baby? There was no way I could have a baby of mine out in the world and not do anything about it, I wasn’t that sort of man… but what could I do? I’d have to go back to New York, I couldn’t be a long-distance father, that just wouldn’t work. Even if we didn’t get back together, I could still be a good father if I lived nearby.
Then again, was Maria so manipulative that she wouldn’t let me see my child if I didn’t give in to all her demands? Was that what my future would be… jumping through hoops just to please her?
One thing I knew for sure was that I’d have to give all this up for my child, just as I was settled here and feeling happy, I was going to have to leave it all behind. Sure, it’d be worth it, a baby was a blessing, even if Maria was my child’s mom, but still… I couldn’t help feeling sad.
I needed to speak to someone, I had to get some advice and there was only one person in the world that I could think of.
Ring, ring…
“Come on, pick up, I muttered angrily as I paced the room, shaking my hands in anxiety. “I need to speak to you.”
Ring, ring…
What was she doing? Couldn’t she sense my utter desperation. Luckily, even though I was still at work, there wasn’t anyone else in the store. Even if my friend couldn’t sense what I needed, the rest of the world could.
Ring, ring…
“Hello?” she sounded lazy, maybe a little tired. Nowhere near ready for the mess I was about to unleash on her at any rate.
“Oh my God, Romi, I really need your help.”
“What’s going on? You sound really freaked out, are you okay?”
“No, I’m not, I’m really not.” I paused for a second, wondering if this was the wrong thing to do. Had I known Romi for long enough to be spilling this kind of information to? Then again, did I have any choice either way? I needed someone to speak to, and she was the only one I could think of. “My ex-girlfriend, Maria is here.”
“Oh my God, the psycho bitch from New York? What is she doing here?” she sounded mad on my behalf, which made me feel special. Romi cared enough about me to be concerned about my feelings. “Does she want you back? You’re not going to go, are you?”
I paused for a moment, wishing that it was that simple. If things were as straightforward as that, I’d be able to say ‘no’ without even thinking about it, but there was so much more to this story. “She told me that she’s pregnant,” I admitted, bringing her up to speed in the quickest way possible.
Romi wasn’t saying anything, and to be honest I couldn’t blame her. This was the sort of situation that left me completely speechless too. “Is she pregnant?” she finally managed to utter. “And is the baby yours? Didn’t she cheat on you?”
Huh, I hadn’t thought about that. I’d gotten so wrapped up in fear and confusion that I’d just accepted her words at face value. I’d almost forgotten about that dreadful moment of seeing her with him. Maybe Romi was right to question everything, I probably should’ve been doing the same. “I don’t know, but… why would she be here if she wasn’t pregnant? What could she possibly get out of it? Apparently, I made her so miserable, and it isn’t like I have any money or anything, so what would be the point?” I could not get my head around any of it, however hard I tried. Even as I racked my brain now, it remained frustratingly empty.
“I don’t know, I can’t really answer that… you need to speak to her about it.”
She was right, she was giving me exactly the advice that I knew she would, but there was still more I had to tell her first. I squeezed my eyes shut and rubbed my eyebrows hard before speaking out once more. This part was almost more challenging to get out, because it revealed a side of myself that I’d only just set free. “The thing is, I know that you’re right, but there’s someone else I need to worry about too, which makes it that much harder.”
“There is?” Romi gasped, clearly shocked by my revelation. “Who?”
“Joey,” I bit down on my lip, and revealed the secret that I wasn’t quite yet ready to share. “We hooked up last night.”
“What?” she declared excitedly, seemingly forgetting all about Maria for the moment. “You did? I thought I sensed something between you, but I didn’t think you’d ever be brave enough to act on it.”
“Yeah well, now I don’t know what to do. I like Joey, a lot. We’re supposed to be meeting up tonight and now… now this bombshell drops in my lap and I don’t know what to do. It’s too heavy for someone I’ve only just started dating.”
“Yeah,” Romi murmured, all the confidence falling from her voice. “That’s a tough one. I can see why you have a problem.”
“What would you do if you were me?” My eyes welled up as the audible moan fell past my lips. This was the absolute worst time for me to fall apart, I needed to stay strong, at least while I sorted this whole, complex mess out.
“I would talk to Joey,” she replied decisively. “I know it might seem like it’s soon, but it’s the right thing to do. You should keep him as involved as possible so he knows where he stands with you. He’s a cool guy, he’ll understand, he’ll probably even help you out. Then I would go to wherever your crazy ex is staying and I’d have it out with her properly. You need to be stronger this time, you need to find out all the answers once and for all. Don’t let her play you, you need to get the full truth.”
“Okay,” I nodded and panted in the most agreeable way possible. “Yeah, you’re right, thank you.”
But as the phone clattered onto the counter, I still didn’t feel totally comfortable with the idea of dragging Joey into this mess, especially when I didn’t totally know what was going on. We were so new, so fragile, this was the sort of thing only a solid, fixed relationship could weather.
No, I needed to do this alone, I needed to work out where my future lay first.
‘Hi Joey, I’m really sorry I can’t hang out with you tonight. My friend has turned up by surprise and I can’t get out of dinner with him! See you soon, Flint x’
I felt crappy blowing him off like that, but it had to be done. Now I was going to have to work out exactly what I wanted to say to Maria before I went to see her tonight. Romi was right about one thing, I needed to make sure that I got everything out that I needed to. This could potentially be the most important conversation in my entire life, and I couldn’t fuck it up.
***
As my eyes scanned over the far-too-cutesy building that contained her, my breaths came out short, sharp, and very ragged as anxiety threatened to eat me up alive. There was no denying that I was an absolute freaking mess, and no lovely fresh, cold air was going to calm that down. I’d been preparing for this meeting all day long, I was supposed to be prepared, but there wasn’t a single scrap of confidence in my body at all.
Don’t be scared, I tried to convince myself as my limbs iced over, freezing me to the spot. It’s better to know the truth, than to not be in the know. This might be just a power thing, or it might be the whole truth, there’s no point in being ignorant. Your life will be stuck in
limbo if you don’t just move.
But as I forced my feet to move, one step at a time, my voice vanished and another one replaced it. Maria’s voice, repeating the very last, incredibly accurate, words she’s said to me before changing my life forever.
“You’ll come crawling back, I know you will. I’m staying at that awful beach shack hotel thing at the end of the road and I can guarantee that you’ll be over to see me tonight.”
She was so right about that one. In one way, she was getting exactly what she wanted, I was dancing to the beat of her drum, just like she predicted I would. I felt like a pawn in her little game, now I just needed to find out what the prize was, and how high the stakes were…
Chapter Fourteen
Knock, knock…
My hand shook violently and uncontrollably as it knocked on Maria’s innocuous door. What lay behind that red painted piece of wood was totally unknown, and also the very thing which controlled my next direction. To be fair, it was an incredibly stressful situation, but I would’ve much preferred to be a lot cooler with it all. I shook out my arms, and cocked my head to both sides, and waited. She was probably sitting in there, grinning to herself, making me sweat. If this was about anything else other than my potential child, I would have turned to run, but despite how I was feeling inside, I had to be an adult.
“Hello!” Maria’s tone was sing song as she swung open the door. “Oh, what a surprise, you’ve come to see me.” She rolled her eyes at me, sending my temper boiling into overdrive.
“Well, you didn’t exactly give me much choice, did you?” My teeth gritted, keeping all of that inside. “You gave me your little announcement and stormed out of the shop.”
Be cool, don’t blow up. Don’t give her any excuse to force you away.
“Well, I suppose you might as well come in then.”