Breaking Out of Bedlam

by Leslie Larson

  Well, I got up and peed. Drank me a glass of water. I walked over to the window by the bed and watched the sky, which was lit a murky orange from the fog. I was afraid to go back to sleep, so I sat in the armchair by the TV. I tried to take my mind off the dream by thinking of Vitus, and how he was going to straighten everything out so we could be together. But my mind was too much in the past with all those old hurts that go so deep—my ma and daddy and sisters, and Abel and Alice, and all those places I lived and things I suffered. When I got too cold to sit there anymore, I got back in bed and said a little prayer for God to ease my mind. For the millionth time I told Him I was sorry, and I begged Him to lift the burden from my back.

  When I could hear the traffic start up, I knew it wouldn’t be long before morning. I was completely done in, so tired that I drifted off to sleep again and didn’t wake up ‘til way after nine o’clock when the light was streaming through the window over my bed making the blankets hot, and the delivery trucks were spitting diesel fumes at the loading dock, and the gardener with a leaf blower was making a ruckus out in the courtyard.

  I was weak from all those dreams, shaky and light-headed. My pillow was wet—whether from crying or drooling or sweating, I can’t say—but it was irksome, so I flipped it over and hoped for some relief. By that time the whole world was awake and moving around: the cleaners coming down the halls with their carts, the boy with the trays for those that eat in their rooms, the lunatics singing and shouting in the hall, and the TVs blasting upstairs. I felt empty of everything, a husk rattling in the bed. I wished one of them girls would come in here and vacuum me up along with the flakes of dry skin and pussy hair on the floor so I’d be lost with the lint balls and the cobwebs.

  I had no choice but to open my eyes. The haggard sky was framed by those flouncy flowered curtains that Glenda bought to match the bedspread. My eyes fixed where the curtains pucker just under the curtain rod, and there was Abel’s head. That’s right. Just his face with no body attached, looking down at me like the Wizard of Oz. You might think this part was a dream, too, but you’d be wrong. It was the real thing, I swear. I could see the flower pattern of the curtains through his skin, so I knew he was a ghost.

  I wasn’t scared, not in the least. After those terrible dreams, I was glad to see a familiar face. Abel looked to be in a good mood. He nodded and gave me a friendly smile, showing his little yellow teeth. I could tell, without him saying a word, that he’d come to take care of me.

  “I have had the most hellacious night, Abel. I have been afflicted and tormented past my wits’ end.”

  He just nodded. Maybe he can’t talk with the state he’s in, maybe he can only listen. Or maybe he don’t want to. It was hard to make out the expression on his face with the pattern in those curtains. But I felt such comfort having him there, seeing his face after all that time.

  “What have you been up to?” I asked with a chuckle. “Where you been?”

  His face got fainter and fainter until I couldn’t make it out no more, but it left me feeling better, almost like I had a good night’s sleep.

  PAPERWORK

  After the grilling I got from Bigbutt and her henchmen, I couldn’t quit worrying about that fountain pen and the brown ink I’d used in my book. I got scared that someone would find them in my room when I was gone, then they’d think I stole that pen and everything else, too. I was so spooked at dinner last night that I hotfooted it back here in a panic, determined to hide them.

  I love the look of these books, every damn page covered with my writing that I labored over sitting alone here in this room, casting my mind back to all them places, recalling things I didn’t know I remembered. The books are thicker when I fill them than they are when they’re brand-new. The pages suck up my life and get fat with my thoughts. Trouble is, this place is small. There’s nowhere to hide anything. It would kill me to get rid of these things, but I was in such a state about getting caught red-handed that I was ready to run out there to the loading dock and pitch the pen and the second book, where I’d used the fountain pen, over the side of the Dumpster.

  That’s when Abel piped up. “Don’t you dare, Toad,” he said. “Just take that book and slip it under the rug there by the bed. Nobody’ll find it. Get you some Scotch tape and stick the pen on the underside of your nightstand.”

  That’s just what I did. You can’t see the book at all under the rug, and no one would think to look under the nightstand for the pen.

  “Thanks, you old son of a bitch,” I said. “You always come through in a pinch.”

  NO SOONER HAD I finished than here comes Vitus. I hadn’t seen him for a few days, which had been bothering me, sure as shit. He was in such a hurry his lips barely scuffed my cheek when he came through the door.

  “I’m sorry I haven’t been to see you, Cora,” he said. “But I’ve been busy, very busy.” He was excited the way men get when they have an idea in their head. “Wait until you see this. Look, Cora. It’s the application for our marriage license.” He grinned from ear to ear. “Can you believe it? I have it all right here.”

  He pulled my little lamp table over between the two armchairs and spread the papers out. “We just fill these papers out and take them in to the city clerk. That’s it! Then we can get married.”

  “Well, I’ll be. Where’d you get these? How’d you know what to do?”

  He leaned back in the chair and looked real proud of himself. “The computer, it’s all right there. My buddy ran them out for me. You just go to the computer and get everything you need.”

  “What buddy? I never heard you talk about no buddy.”

  “Cora!” he said, shaking his head. He touched my knee. “My friend Bruno. He’s from my own country. He is a wizard with the computer. He got us everything we need. Here, take a look.”

  He handed me the papers. It wasn’t complicated. They just wanted to know the usual stuff—my name and birthday and Social Security number, the place where my ma and daddy were born, and when Abel died.

  “Don’t we have to get blood tests?” I asked.

  Vitus grinned. “No, my darling. Not in California. You just need your ID and the death certificate from … from your, uh—”

  “From Abel?” I helped him out.

  “Yes, your first husband. You need to prove you’re no longer married to him.”

  “Hard to be married to a dead man. What about you?”

  “All my paperwork is in order. I have everything I need.”

  I looked at him, trying to see him like a regular man, like a man I was seeing on the street for the first time. What would I think if love hadn’t changed my heart, if the way he turned his head or pursed his lips didn’t touch something deep inside me? I couldn’t tell. All I saw was the love of my life, a man like no other.

  “What’s wrong?” Vitus said. “What’s going on in that mind of yours?”

  He notices everything.

  I wavered. I wanted to tell him about Bigbutt and the pen, but it seemed puny next to what we were talking about now. And something else was bothering me, but I didn’t know if I could say it. I gave myself a little talking-to, saying this man is going to be your husband, you better open up your heart to him.

  “What, Woozy? Tell me.”

  “Let me ask you something.” I cleared my throat and wiped my hands on my thighs, trying to get up my courage. “Don’t get mad now, I just gotta ask.”

  “Go on.”

  “Well, are you a citizen here? Is everything aboveboard?”

  He studied me just as close as I’d studied him. I get the flutters when his eyes are on me. I got to pat my hair and tug down my blouse to make sure everything’s in place.

  “What are you asking me, Cora?”

  “Well, I read about people who get married just to stay in the country. That’s not what you’re doing, is it?”

  “Is that what you think, Cora? Do you think I could do som
ething like that?” He didn’t yell, or even raise his voice, but his tone made me grab tight to the arms of my chair. “It doesn’t say much about how you feel about me, Cora, and—forgive me—but it doesn’t say much about your idea of yourself, either. This is below you, Cora. It really is.”

  I couldn’t help myself. Hard as it was, much as it hurt, I kept on. “I need to hear it, Vitus. I need you to say it.”

  “I am a citizen of the United States.”

  “I’m sorry, sugar. I just had to ask. I feel better now. I’m so used to things going wrong, I think something’s amiss if they’re going right. I don’t know why I have so many doubts when all my dreams are about to come true.”

  He waved his hand. “It’s all right. I want to put your mind at rest. Is there anything else you want to ask me?”

  I looked him over. Everything seemed right. Still, coldhearted as it seemed, I had to ask. “And when’s your money coming in? When is your nephew going to give it to you?”

  You know, he didn’t turn a hair. He just nodded and said, “I don’t blame you for wondering, Woozy. I’d do the same if I were in your place. My lawyer is in the process of drawing up the paperwork right now. Soon as that’s finished, my nephew will sign. I have his word on it. So I’d say in three or four weeks everything will be set. Anything else?”

  I shook my head. “We got a problem, though. I told my daughter she needs to get those people out of my house, but I might as well have been talking to a wall.”

  “Hmm.” Vitus rubbed his chin. “Do you have any ideas what we should do?”

  “I don’t know the first thing about those people living in my house. Not their names or how to get in touch with them. I wouldn’t know how to go about getting them out.”

  “Right,” Vitus said. He leaned toward me and put his elbows on his knees. “Well, as I see it, the easiest thing would be if your children cooperated. They must have the rent agreement, or whatever it is. It would save us a lot of trouble if they dealt with the renters.”

  “Well, I could talk to them again and let them know I mean business. My daughter told me they haven’t done anything legal to take things away from me. Seems like I still got a right to my house.”

  “You sure do. If your kids make trouble, we’ll have to play hardball. Step in and take some measures. Let’s give them a chance to do the right thing.”

  “All right. I’ll talk to them. Too bad they’re not kids anymore.” I laughed. “Back then I could have whupped their little asses into shape.”

  Vitus chuckled, then he looked deep into my eyes. “I so want to be with you. I can’t wait to be married to you. I don’t want to waste one day that I could spend at your side.”

  No one has ever said anything like that to me before. I choked up, but I didn’t want to let on. My heart felt like it was hooked in to his.

  “All right, darling,” he went on. Here’s how it works. After we fill out these papers we have to take them to the city clerk. You’re supposed to file them in person, but because it’s hard for you to get around, they’ll let us mail them in. Once they’re filed, we have ninety days to have the ceremony.”

  “You sure know your stuff. But what about getting married? How’re we supposed to do that? Do we go to a church? Or a justice of the peace? Are we going to invite people and wear fancy clothes and dance and eat cake? And how’re we supposed to get wherever we’re going?”

  Being locked up here, I’d started thinking it’s impossible to get out. I never imagined strolling out on my own and doing whatever I wanted. But looking at Vitus smiling at me, his head tipped to the side and his eyes twinkling, made me feel like someone had opened a gate, and on the other side was the whole world. All I had to do was walk through.

  “We can do whatever we want, Cora. My friend Bruno will take us where we decide to go. He has a car.”

  “Well, what’s in it for him?”

  “He’s a very good friend of mine, Cora. He lives here in town and he wants to help us. But guess what else.” He took my hand and stroked it ever so gently. “There’s an easier way. We don’t need a clergyman, or a justice of the peace, or anybody like that. All we need is someone who’s certified to marry us, and we can do it anywhere. Right here in your room if we want.”

  “Here? With this ugly hook rug and the flowered comforter I hate? Right here at the foot of my bed, with the television and the toilet not ten feet away?”

  “Or out in the courtyard, if you want, where we first met. With the birds singing.”

  “I’ve never heard of such a thing. And who are we supposed to get to come in here and marry us?”

  “Bruno! He’s certified to perform the ceremony. Anyone can be a witness. We can even ask someone who works here—one of the boys who clean up the dining room, perhaps?”

  “Bruno! Bruno! Bruno!” I snatched my hand away from him. “This isn’t right!”

  “Cora, my dear,” Vitus said in a soothing voice. He started stroking my hand again. “Settle down, my love. Listen, it doesn’t matter. Whatever you want, that’s what we’ll do. This is all just paperwork, just a technicality. All that matters is that we’ll be together. We’ll be protected, so that nobody can come between us.”

  I couldn’t go no further. My nerves were in tatters. Much as I tried not to, I started crying. “Why do we have to do all this when all I want is to go back to my house? All I want is to have breakfast with you and sleep in the same bed! I don’t need all this! It’s too much trouble!”

  Vitus went to the bathroom to get me some toilet paper. He took my hand and pulled me out of the chair. Gently, so gently. “Come here, darling,” he said, leading me over to the bed. “Come here and lie down.” He helped me up on the bed, took off my shoes, fixed the pillows under me, and—when I was settled on my side—slipped off his own shoes and got up there beside me.

  I lay there sniffling. It troubled me that all the time I was married to Abel, he took care of everything. When he died, my kids took over. Now here I was, handing the reins over to Vitus.

  He snuggled up against my back and put his arm around my waist. Lord, it felt so good. He wormed his stocking feet under mine and whispered in my ear, “Let’s feel your feet, Woozy. I think they’re getting cold.” He pulled me a little closer. “Are you getting cold feet, darling? Have you changed your mind about me?”

  It was the most delicious feeling having him cuddled up behind me like that, whispering in my ear. I’ve thought long and hard about the way I acted in bed with him before, and I’ve decided not to bother him about the sex anymore. There’s plenty of time for that later. I won’t say we’re like brother and sister, but we’re not exactly rutting. He stroked my hair and touched the back of my neck with his lips. I’m telling you, there’s nothing in the world like it. All the time he sweet-talked me, little whisperings and sighs and baby talk. Until you’ve been treated like that, you don’t know the meaning of love.

  “Don’t worry, my dear, I’ll take care of everything,” he whispered. “It’s just busywork, papers and such. It’s nothing, you’ll see.” His lips moved against my ear. “If you want, there’s a little chapel where they’ll marry us. It’s downtown, near the bus station. We don’t even have to make an appointment. We just drop in and it only takes a few minutes. Soon as our paperwork is done, we can stop by there and make it official.”

  He makes me feel so good. I snuggled up against him. He’s got a lot more meat on his bones than Abel did. I didn’t say a word, just laid there listening to the sound of his voice. He even sang a little, a beautiful song in his own language. It was heaven to be comforted like that, so loving and soft.

  I imagined touching the porcelain light switches in my house again. Hearing Lulu coming down the hall toward me, her toenails clicking. It’s been less than a year since I lived there, but it seems like forever. So much has happened, I feel like a different person than when I left. I’m going to feel like I’m see
ing a long-lost friend when I walk through that door.

  The last thing I remember before I drifted off to sleep was telling myself, You just go whole hog, Cora Sledge. Throw caution to the wind. Go for broke.

  I woke up a few hours later still laying on top of the blankets wearing all my clothes. Vitus was gone. The bedside lamp was on. There was a note on the pillow next to me. Will you marry me on October 25? it said. It’s a Friday, Cora. Our lucky day.

  WHEN I WENT to bed, I called out to those flouncy curtains, “Come on out here, Abel. I need to talk to you.”

  I didn’t see his head up there where it was before, but I started talking anyway, asking him what he thought I should do, reminding him how the kids had put me here against my will and how I’d wanted to die, but now things had taken a turn for the better, on account of Vitus and how I got myself together, giving up all those pills and losing weight and walking around on my own two feet. Pretty soon there he was, up in the flounces at the top of the curtain.

  “I hope you don’t mind, Abel,” I told him. “Me going with another man and all. I hope you don’t hold it against me, taking him into the house you and me lived in all those years. You’re dead, after all. And I was faithful as a hound the whole time we were together. You know it’s true.”

  Well, he gave me to understand that those things don’t matter to him anymore, which is what I thought in the first place. Jealousy and who’s married to who—he’s got bigger fish to fry in heaven, and he loves me in a whole other way than when we were husband and wife.

  It’s not like he talked. I just saw his face and knew exactly what he wanted to tell me. Don’t ask me how, but his meaning couldn’t be clearer if I heard every word with my own ears. After a little bit his face started fading until he was gone, and I was left laying there in bed, looking up at the window but feeling real peaceful, like—one way or another—everything was going to work out. I drifted off to sleep knowing that Abel didn’t take no offense at me and Vitus, that he was guiding me from above.