I could think of no response. It was one of the nicest things anyone had said to me in a long time.
I watched him lope to the street. Derek folded himself into the car, then ducked his head down to wave to me. I saw in the gesture his self-consciousness. I waved back, smiling, as he drove away.
Robert looked pale as he shuffled into the house awkwardly on his crutches, the right leg of his softball uniform cut away to reveal a bright blue cast.
“Whoa.” Clarissa’s eyes grew round.
Winnie pranced around, sniffing at the plaster. Her anxiety frayed my own nerves. “Come on, you’re in the way.” I opened the sliding glass door and pointed outside. She looked up at me with the eyes of a martyr and slunk onto the deck. When I closed the door, she sat peering through the glass as if she were the most abused canine on earth.
I turned back to my brother. “That’s quite a color,” I remarked, trying to sound like he hadn’t frightened me out of my wits.
He puckered his chin, surveying the cast. “White’s kinda boring.”
We all hovered as he made his way to the couch. Clarissa hugged Katherine for moral support. Katherine assured my sister in hushed tones that he would be okay.
“You sure you feel like lying here instead of in bed, Robert?” Daddy piled three pillows on the end of the couch.
“Yeah.” Robert pulled up to the couch, then stood staring from it to the leg he couldn’t bend, his expression muddled.
“Maybe it would be easier if you turned around so it’s on your left,” Katherine suggested. Her ponytail lay askew, the red ribbon practically pulled out of its bow. Her shirt puffed around her waist untucked, as if she hadn’t given herself a thought in hours. She put a hand on Robert’s shoulder to urge him the other direction, then helped him lie down, his good leg on the couch and the heel of his cast resting on the floor. Carefully, she eased up the leg and moved it onto the couch. “That better?”
Her actions sent a pang through me. Mama would have done the very same thing.
Robert nodded. We all looked at him. I wondered what on earth he’d do in this condition for six weeks.
He wiggled his left ankle as if already bored. “Least our team won,” he said tersely.
“Thanks to you.” I scruffed his hair.
He snorted. “Lot a good I did.”
“You brought Theodore in, sounds like a lot a good to me. Grandpa told me once you were hurt, your team wasn’t about to lose. By the eighth inning, they were practically beside themselves. Then Chuck stepped up to the plate, declarin’, ‘This is for Robert,’ and hit the ball clean out of the park.”
“Amazing.” Daddy raised his eyebrows at Robert. “Chuck’s never hit a home run in his life.”
“Guess I oughtta break my leg more often.”
We laughed. Muted though it was, the laughter felt clean in my throat, renewing.
“Somethin’ smells mighty good.” Daddy gave me a weary smile. I saw forgiveness in his eyes.
“It’s spaghetti.” A favorite of both Daddy and Robert.
“I’ll help you get it on the table,” Katherine offered, and for the first time I felt glad to let her. The concern for my brother that glinted in her eyes meant more than I could say.
By the time we called the family to supper, Robert had fallen asleep on the couch, fingers spread over his stomach and faintly twitching. Most likely dreaming of the home run he never completed.
chapter 15
For the first time in Katherine’s presence, we sat around our kitchen table instead of the more formal dining room. Mama’s kitchen chair had been in the garage since a few months after her death. Every time I’d gone in there, my eyes had been drawn to it. The vast emptiness of that chair, the loneliness it represented. Now here was Daddy, fetching it and bringing it back to the table. My throat tightened as I watched him seat Katherine. She settled into it far too easily for me, with no apparent thought to its significance. Yes, she had been kind to Robert, and I was grateful. But this ...
We’d managed to wake Robert up and get him to the table, but he remained groggy from the pain pills. He ate a fourth of what he usually would, trying his best to keep a placid expression. I could tell his leg still hurt. Not much conversation that night. Plenty on all our minds, I suppose. As soon as we finished, Daddy helped Robert into bed, which took a while. The cast made him awkward, and the pain pills rendered him nearly useless. Clarissa cleared the table while Katherine and I did the dishes. Winnie flopped on her back in her usual corner and fell asleep, all four legs splayed wide apart, her head sticking out at a funny angle. I had to laugh. With her neck twisted that way, she reminded me of Derek.
Robert put to bed, the four of us watched television. My sister lay happy as a clam with her head in Katherine’s lap and her feet in Daddy’s. Katherine stroked her hair. I knew Daddy and Katherine wanted some time alone. If they couldn’t go out on a date and talk, at least they could talk here. I kept an eye on the clock.
“I’m goin’ to run your bathwater,” I told Clarissa at 8:30.
“I don’t wanna go to bed.” She pouted at me.
“Yeah, so what’s new?” I headed for our bathroom to fill the tub.
“But I wanna stay till Katherine leaves.”
“Now, Clarissa,” I heard Daddy reply, “you know I won’t let you stay up late, especially after everything that happened today. You need your sleep; we’ve got church tomorrow.”
Half an hour later Clarissa stood clad in her frilly pink nightgown, ready for bed. She lingered in the family room for extra good-night kisses, then sighed her way down the hall.
“I’m tired myself,” I told Daddy and Katherine. “I’m gonna read in bed after I get her settled.”
Daddy shot me a grateful look. Katherine stood up, and we exchanged our first hug. “Good night,” she said. I gave her a self-conscious smile.
I fully intended to leave them alone. Really. Eavesdropping had never entered my mind. It’s just that once I got Clarissa to bed and changed into my pajamas, I remembered I hadn’t brushed my teeth. As I exited the bathroom, I heard the quiet drone of voices, and something pulled me toward them.
Knowing what I do now, sometimes I wonder—if I could go back and change that evening, would I do it? Would I slip into my bedroom and firmly close the door, never to hear the words that would cut me so deeply? And then I think of God and his mercy. How he uses even our mistakes to hone us. How he allows the wind of our past to blow us into the wisdom of our future.
But at the time, I merely followed my curiosity. Creeping over the floor, I eased down the hall and around the corner. I stopped a good length from the next corner to make sure I couldn’t be seen, even if one of them looked back from their seats on the couch. Not for the life of me would I have allowed myself to be caught. I’d never live down the embarrassment. Pressing my back against the wall, I listened.
They commented on the game and Robert’s leg. Daddy said something, and a long pause followed before Katherine spoke. I sensed in their stilted tones the newness of the conversation, as if they’d turned off the TV only minutes before and feigned chitchat. The thought surprised me. Two adults as tongue-tied as I might be on a date?
“Katherine,” Daddy said at length, “you’ve been wonderful today. Thank you.”
“I wouldn’t have wanted to be anywhere else.”
“It must be hard, being thrown in the midst of a family like you have been. Always a lot goin’ on. ’Course today was rather unusual.”
“Your children are wonderful, Bobby. All three of them are a joy to be around.”
“Jackie’s . . . taken her time warmin’ up to you.”
“She’s the oldest. She’s had to fill in the role of mama. It’s understandable.” “Seems like you two are gettin’ along better now, though.”
A pause. I heard the sound of someone shifting position. “Did I do wrong, Bobby, telling her about Greg Kostakis? I’m so sorry if I did.”
Daddy hesitated. �
��I suppose you did it to reach out to her.”
“Of course I want to reach out to her, but it’s more than that. She’s sixteen, Bobby; she’s at that age of hopes and dreams. Then here’s this boy she listens to on the radio, coming here! I know how crazy girls get over meeting these singers. I saw it often enough when I worked at the radio station. What an exciting thing to happen for Jackie. How could I not tell her?”
Silence. It seemed to last forever.
“Please tell me what you’re thinking. Do you not want her to meet Greg?”
“I just . . . don’t want her to get hurt. I can understand that meetin’ some star would probably be a dream come true for her. That’s just it. What’s she goin’ to do when he leaves?”
“He won’t be here that long,” Katherine said. “I didn’t think we’d be doing much more than giving them a chance to get acquainted.”
“What if that’s all it would take?” Daddy retorted, an edge in his voice.
I pressed my palms together, surprised at the intensity of his tone.
“Bobby,” Katherine said softly. “What is this about?”
Silence again. Finally Daddy spoke, the words almost worn. “Come here.”
Clothes rustled. Katherine still must have sat a Clarissa-length away. In the protracted stillness that followed, I knew they were kissing.
How to explain all the things I felt? I remember leaning my head against the wall, a desperate ache rising in my throat. Part of me wanted to flee to my bedroom, both to block the knowledge and to leave them be. I had no right to spy on them like this. Another part screamed no, no, no at the boundary now crossed, my mama’s memory betrayed and dimming on the other side. Did Daddy not care that our last family photograph watched them from the mantel? Did Katherine not care?
And the rest of me looped and knotted with undeniable self-pity. I was the teenager, “full of hopes and dreams,” the one ready to fall in love. This was supposed to be happening to me.
Katherine laughed quietly. “If we were disagreeing, maybe we ought to do it more often.”
No response from Daddy. Perhaps emotion held his tongue.
“Bobby, there’s so much we need to talk about. So much I need to say.”
“Me too.” Daddy paused. “But you go first.” I heard a smile in his voice.
“Oh, thanks, put me on the spot. How much time do I get?”
“All the time you need.”
“Okay.” Pause. “Suddenly, I’m . . . scared.”
“Not any more scared than I am.”
A whisper of movement, as though she pulled back to gaze at him. “Why are you scared, Bobby?”
He didn’t answer immediately. When he did speak, all teasing had melted from his tone. “Because I’m falling in love with you.”
The word seeped like simmering water into my chest. I squeezed my eyes shut.
“I won’t play games, Katherine. I don’t have the energy, and I’ve been through too much. So I’m tellin’ you outright. I have only loved twice in my life. My first love hurt me badly, and I made some terrible mistakes. The second with Melissa brought me years of joy, then nearly killed me when I lost her. I tend to be a quiet person, but I feel things deeply. People look at me and see someone they think is strong. I have to look that way for the kids. But they don’t know how weak and fearful I feel inside.”
Oh, Daddy. My heart turned over at his words. But what was he talking about—two loves? Daddy had never loved anyone but Mama.
“Bobby—” Katherine’s voice caught. “I love you.”
The sibilance of movement, then quiet. I tried to steady my own breathing.
“Want to hear my confession?” Katherine finally said. She inhaled audibly. “I came back here because of you.”
“Me? I don’t . . . You’d been gone for eleven years.”
Katherine breathed a laugh. “You don’t know, do you? You never had any idea. But then, why should you, being so much older. I had a crush on you when I was twelve years old. You were a senior in high school and dating Melissa. I used to dream of getting up the courage to tell you to wait for me.”
Twelve years old. Robert’s age. I couldn’t imagine it. Daddy said nothing. He must have been beyond words.
“I know what happened just before you graduated,” Katherine said softly, “your fall from grace. I heard the talk. But I didn’t care what everyone was saying. Then I ran into you one day down at the IGA. You looked so forsaken, so sad. You could hardly hold your head up. I gathered my nerve and walked up to you. Do you remember this, Bobby?”
“I’m . . . not sure.”
“Oh, some thanks I get. You should remember; it got me grounded for a whole month, and with summer just beginning.”
“Wait. I do,” Daddy drew out the words, as if a vague memory had surfaced. “How could I forget? You reached out when everyone else was shunning me.”
“I did more than that. I swept aside every Bradleyville expectation of a young lady, especially given how young I was. I can see it now, Bobby; I must have gone over it in my mind a million times. You were standing before the rice section, staring stupidly at it, like your mother had sent you on an errand, but you couldn’t remember what she wanted. At first sight of you, my heart nearly fell out my toes. Then I felt so bad, watching you. Somehow, I wanted you to see that not everyone in the entire town was against you. I didn’t even notice old Mrs. Schwartzbocker coming around the corner. I marched right down the aisle and threw my arms around you. Stood on tiptoe and kissed you on the cheek. And I said, ‘I love you, Bobby.’” Katherine chuckled. “You were so shocked, you couldn’t move. I mean, you barely even knew who I was. And then, dear God, I’ll never forget this—a look of sheer terror crossed your face, and you shoved my hands away and stepped back, looking around like you were scared to death that someone had seen and you’d be blamed for it. I saw Mrs. Schwartzbocker then and realized what I’d done to you—that this was all you needed to turn the town on its other ear. I felt so horrified, I just ran. Left you standing there—alone with that woman.”
Disbelief weighted my limbs. I could not even begin to imagine what they were talking about. What could Daddy possibly have done to turn the whole town against him?
“It’s all comin’ back to me now,” Daddy said. “I guess I’d forgotten because of all the trouble in my life at the time.” He paused. “I have to admit somethin’. I can remember now Mrs. Schwartzbocker glarin’ after you, hands on her hips. I remember how I shook when she turned her eyes on me. And then she declared very firmly, ‘It wasn’t your fault, Bobby. I saw the whole thing.’ I could have fainted with relief. Not very noble of me, after what you’d done.”
“She saw it all right. Took her all of about five minutes to call my mama. Probably didn’t even stop to buy her groceries.”
Daddy laughed quietly. “Grounded a whole month, huh.”
“Oh, you don’t know. Daddy liked to near kill me. Told me he’d better never catch me speaking to you again. So I didn’t. And then you eventually got back with Melissa. I sat in my room crying the day you got married. Thought I’d go to hell for sure, liking a married man, but I couldn’t help it.”
“Katherine. I never dreamed . . . I just had no idea.”
They were silent for a moment.
“So what does your father say now?” Daddy wondered. “How funny, after all these years, here you are—with me.”
“Well. You’ve grown up a bit. And changed your evil ways.”
“I see.”
“Bobby, the whole town loves you, and you know it. Everybody wants you to be happy. Which scares me to death. I feel it every day, the pressure. If I did anything to hurt you, I think I’d be run right out of this town.”
“You won’t do anything. Will you?”
The vulnerability in his voice made me want to cry.
“No, please God!” Katherine’s tone tinged with desperation, almost as if she were afraid she would. Later I would remember that tone. “Did you h
ear what I said, Bobby? That I’ve gone over that scene a million times? Not just while I grew up here in Bradleyville, but while I was gone. Through all the jobs and places and boyfriends, I never forgot you. Then I heard about Melissa. When the time was right, I came back. Thinking maybe . . . And then I could hardly believe it—the first person I saw in town was you. Protecting me with your arms underneath that desk. Do you know at that moment I wanted the tornado never to end?”
“Oh, Katherine.”
They spoke no more for a long time. I leaned my head against the wall and silently cried. I could not sort the tears of happiness and relief for Daddy from those that mourned my mama.
“Bobby,” Katherine finally spoke, “I need to tell you other things about me. But first I should explain something. When I told Jackie about Greg, I didn’t stop to think about . . . you know, your old tie to Celia. And how you must have felt about Greg’s brother.”
My hand stilled as I wiped a tear. Old tie to Celia?
Daddy emitted a sigh.
“I’m really sorry if I’ve done something wrong.”
“You didn’t do anything wrong. That’s ancient history. And I’m ashamed at myself for reacting the way I did.”
Katherine made no reply.
“It’s just . . . . You were too young to know everything, Katherine. I do believe Celia and I would have ended up together if it hadn’t been for Danny. Of course, now I’m glad things didn’t turn out that way. But at the time, it near killed me. Even while I was dating Melissa, I went to Celia on my knees more than once, asking her to change her mind. But no. Even when Danny left, all she wanted to do was graduate and go after him.”
Something slick and oily rolled through my stomach. I could barely assimilate Daddy’s words. When he’d dated Mama, who loved him so much, he’d really wanted her best friend?
“So, you’re right. I didn’t like Danny Cander. In fact, he was my enemy. When he was gone, his presence was still here, stealin’ what I wanted. That’s how strong he was, how magical he apparently was. And whatever he did from afar, Katherine, whatever he said, caused Celia to come to me that night. Not because she wanted me. But because she wanted revenge. Danny, hundreds of miles away, had the power to do that to her.”
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