by Nyrae Dawn
And I’ve hated her for it. Punished her by withholding myself from her. Didn’t take the time to look into her disorder because I wanted to pretend it didn’t exist—because it was easier on me.
“I can’t…I don’t know…” What to say or how to feel. I haven’t stood up but I’m still moving backward, scooting backward as though getting farther away will mean none of this is true.
“I’m sorry,” Amelia whispers.
It’s then I realize I’m not any of the people I thought I was. I’m not Perfect, Fear, or Destiny. I am a girl named Hate, and I hate myself for what I’ve done. For hurting her. For trying to turn Mom into hate as well.
“I have to go.”
CHAPTER FORTY-SIX
~Ryder~
One bag. Most of my stuff fits in one bag. My clothes, anyway. It’s not that I’ll need much else. I have stuff to wear to get me through until Monday, and then everything else is in the bag sitting in the middle of my floor right now.
In a day and a half, I’ll be out of here. Out of Luke’s hair so he can live his life.
I’ll be away from Virginia… Instead of a body, I feel like I’m a shell. Like someone emptied me, hollowed me out.
“Dude, chill the hell out. You’re being an idiot,” I tell myself. This has always been my plan, being with Dad. There’s no reason to freak out about it now.
But that was before Virginia. Before I realized this isn’t who I want to be. Now, I just don’t know if I have a choice.
There’s a pounding at my front door. I almost ignore it, not in the mood to hang out with my friends, but stand up instead. They deserve to know what’s going on.
The pounding gets louder.
“Chill out! I’m coming.”
There’s a little whimper through the thin door, and I know it’s not Shane on the other side. I run.
“Virginia?” I open the door, and as soon as I do, she’s in my arms. Squeezing my neck and my hand is in her hair and she feels so...so right that I don’t want to let her go. Ever. “What are you doing here? You’re not supposed to see me.”
And then she’s crying and my heart is racing and I’m holding her tighter. “Hey, what’s wrong?”
“I’m sorry… I didn’t know where else to go.”
“Don’t be sorry. I’m here. You can always come to me. I’m here.” Maybe that’s another thing I’m good at…being there for someone. I would never walk away from her when she needs me. I wouldn’t from my friends, either.
She cries harder and I pick her up. Her body is so limp, she goes easily into my arms. Her arms wrap around my neck and I’m holding behind her back and under her knees as I walk into my room.
I lay her on the bed and try to move away, but Virginia’s hand is wrapped up tightly in the hoodie she gave me as she holds me close.
So I lay down with her. I wrap my arm under her, letting Virginia’s head rest on my chest. I hold her, hoping to find the right words to say. Hoping to find a way to make it better.
CHAPTER FORTY-SEVEN
~Virginia~
“It wasn’t her fault,” I whisper against Ryder’s cheek.
“What wasn’t?”
“Everything.” A deep breath fills my lungs. I exhale. And tell Ryder everything: What DID is—Dissociative Identity Disorder—about Samantha, Robin and Amelia. About things that they’ve said to me and how I felt. I tell him about the stories locked inside my head that I’ve been scared to let free. My fear of being like her. Samantha’s promise that I already am. He learns about the times I’ve been rejected by her, how much I thought she must hate me if Samantha did. The times I’ve wanted to be like Mom or do something crazy like Mom does, and how that scares me more than anything.
“That first night…on the dock. I think that’s what the night was about.”
He holds me tighter and lets me speak.
When it becomes too much and I sit up, he does too. He leans against the wall, and then it’s too hard to look at him so I lay on my side, facing away from Ryder with my head in his lap instead.
“I feel like there are so many different people inside me, I don’t know who I am. I try to be Lulu the girl who is responsible and gets good grades. Who is never late and who does well at FBLA. What if that’s not who I am? What if I’m all these other people I try not to be?”
He strokes my hair and I close my eyes. They hurt from crying and lack of sleep.
“You’re not,” he whispers.
Maybe not, but I’m not a good person, either. “It wasn’t her fault, Ryder. If I would have looked into it, maybe I would have known. Maybe I could have helped. But I was too angry to do it. People hurt her and I hated her for it. I tried to do everything in my power not to be like her, when I should have loved her and been there for her. I hurt her, too…”
I thought all my tears were gone but they start again, running down my face as though something is after them. He keeps running his fingers through my hair.
“You didn’t know. No one can blame you for that, but you know now. You’ll do the right thing. That’s who you are, Virginia. You’re the best person I know.”
I want that to be true. I want to do the right thing, want to be as strong as Mom. Because she is. I see that now. She’s the strongest person I know.
CHAPTER FORTY-EIGHT
~Ryder~
My hand doesn’t stop moving in Virginia’s hair until she falls asleep. Gently, I lift her head out of my lap. She doesn’t stir, even when I gently pull her cell out of her pocket, hoping like crazy I’m doing the right thing.
Luke is sitting on the couch. His mouth opens the second I walk in, but I hold up a hand. “Don’t. It’s not what you think.” I have no doubt he saw Virginia’s car out front and wants to give me shit for it.
I close my eyes, pull in a deep breath and then let it out. When I open them again, I look up her dad’s number in her phone and hit call.
Please let this be the right thing. I don’t want to betray her.
“Lulu? Where are you?” he answers.
“It’s me…Um… Ryder. Virginia is sleeping. She came to my house a couple hours ago. She’s pretty upset, and I could tell something major went down, but I didn’t want you to worry. I want you to know she’s okay.”
“We’ll come and get her—”
“No. I mean, don’t. Please. Look,” back and forth, I pace the room. “I know you’re not real fond of me. I know you think she can do better, but that’s not what this is about. She’s…she’s having a hard time. She’s feeling awful, and she’s angry at herself. She cried herself to sleep. I didn’t even…I didn’t tell her I was calling.”
My stomach rolls over and I feel the need to keep talking.
“Like I said, I don’t want you to worry, but I think it’s a bad idea to come and get her. She needs to work through this a little, and she needs some sleep. I’ll talk to her about going home tomorrow, and I’ll sleep in the living room and everything. You can talk to Luke…” I look at my brother and see something shining back at me I’ve rarely seen before. Respect.
Luke nods, still watching me like he has no idea who I am. Maybe he doesn’t. Maybe I don’t.
“Please, just let her breathe a little. I just want what’s best for her.”
The line is so quiet, I almost think he hung up. It’s his sudden breathing that let’s me know he’s even there. “Thank you for calling me, Ryder. You didn’t have to. That’s a real mature thing for you to do. Please, if you can tell her to come home in the morning, her mother and I are here waiting for her.”
The second I hang up the phone, Luke’s hand is on my shoulder. “Holy shit, Ry. You’re such a good guy. Do you know that?”
I roll my eyes and step out of his hold. “You wouldn’t say that if you knew that Dad was here.”
“What?”
My knee pops once as I walk over to the couch and sit down. “He’s stealing cars and he wants me in on it. I have a bus ticket in my pocket and a packed bag in my room. St
ill think I’m a good guy?”
Luke’s jaw tenses up…and then he walks over to the couch and sits beside me. “Yeah, I do. He tried to make it otherwise, but it didn’t work. Dad never would have called Virginia’s family just then. Jesus,” Luke’s hands fist. “I am so pissed at him. You were just a kid, and he took you under his wing, glamorizing his lifestyle when he knew how much you loved him. He took advantage of you, Ryder. He was the adult. He should have known better. You were a kid who loved his dad, and he tried to turn you into another version of himself. I will always hate him for that. I’ll hate myself for it, too, because I’m your brother. I should have protected you.”
My body goes rigid as I try to figure out if I really just heard what I think I did.
“God, you are so smart. And you’re always so loving. I think that’s why it made it easier for him to get to you. Your heart was always bigger than both mine or his, and I let him prey on that. I left you with him.” Luke swings his arm to the side, knocking everything off the table. “I was so damn selfish when I left you with him. I told myself that I could fix everything in time. That I’d show you that you could get out of here. That I could make something with my life so that when you turned eighteen, I could have you come live with me, maybe help you through school. But none of that changes the fact that I left you with him.”
Luke tries to shove to his feet but I jerk my hand up, grabbing his arm. I’m squeezing it. I feel the pressure but I can’t seem to let go. “You thought I was smart…? You were going to come back for me…?”
Luke sits back down, turns to look at me. “Always, Ryder. When I realized he was grooming you to be like him, that’s all I could think about. Getting out, going to school, and then getting you. I always wanted to come back for you. You loved him so much; you would have done anything for him. You’re the same way with Shane, Drea, Cody and Tanner. You’re the same with Virginia. I always knew you had it in you to be the best of us all.”
Logically, I know I’ve cried before. Everyone has. But I don’t remember a time, not one single time, that I’ve cried. Until now. As long as I can remember, I’ve looked up to my brother. I thought he could do anything…and I thought he hated me so I denied how I felt about him. But he didn’t. He wanted to make a better life for me. He wanted to come back for me. He’s been working his ass off for me. “I thought you couldn’t wait to get away from me.”
And then Luke is hugging me, and I swear to God, I think he’s crying, too. I hug him back and hear what he said about who I am, and there has never been a person I wanted to be more than who Luke said I am.
“I know I told Virginia’s dad I’ll sleep out here, but I don’t want her to wake up alone. We’ll sleep with the door open, and I’ll pass out on the floor, but I can’t leave her.”
He nods. “Okay. I trust you.”
“Thanks, Luke…for everything.”
He hugs me again. “Nothing to thank me for little brother. I love you.”
“I love you, too.” I think that might be the first time I’ve ever said those words to him, even though I’ve always felt them.
“We’ll talk more tomorrow,” he says meaningfully, and I know he’s going to try to talk me out of going with Dad.
“Yeah,” I say. “We’ll talk.”
CHAPTER FORTY-NINE
~Virginia~
As soon as I roll over in bed, I realize I’m not in my own. My eyes pop open, the night before flooding over me like waves while I’m lost in the middle of the ocean.
Mom and Amelia.
Samantha, and what she said to me all those years ago.
Ryder, and how he held me, and listened, with no judgment.
It’s still all too much.
Sitting up, I see a blanket and a big lump on the floor beside the bed. It only takes me a second to realize its Ryder. He slept on the floor next to me last night. Giving me space.
Instinct takes over and I crawl down on the floor beside him. When I push his hair back from his face, his eyes slowly open. “Thank you.”
“For what?” He squints, obviously still tired, and then says, “I called your dad last night. I’m sorry if you’re pissed, but I didn’t want him to worry.”
If anything, it makes me fall in love with him more. “For that. It’s one of the things at least.”
I thread my fingers through his and then Ryder holds our hands up. The light from his window highlights our hands. We both stare at them, Ryder twisting and turning our hands as though he’s never seen them together before. It’s the most incredible thing I’ve ever seen.
“My dad came to see me…”
My heart skips a few beats. “What? When?”
Ryder still watches our hands with the window as a backdrop. “Yesterday. He gave me a bus ticket to go out to where he’s staying.”
Now my heart has taken up residence in my throat. “Are you going?” The question hurts.
“I was going to…my bag is already packed. I just… I always felt like the only person who really loved me was him. Like he was the only one who saw something worthy in me. And then I fell for you, but after the party and everything, I didn’t know what was going to happen. Which is bullshit in a way. It’s all an excuse.”
Tell me! I want to yell at him. Are you going to go? I need to know. My breath feels trapped in my lungs, scared to come out, but I fight it off, letting him speak.
“Then you came last night, and told me everything about your mom. I know you’ve never told anyone any of that. I was thinking about your mom and how her life was kind of decided by people who hurt her. No, that’s not right. But they altered her life without her permission, which then altered yours. Luke and I talked after that, and…”
Ryder shrugs. “I always thought he saw me as a loser, the same way he saw Dad. He doesn’t, though… He looked up to me. Wanted to protect me. He would have come back for me, and…”
He rolls over, onto his stomach, leaning on his arms. “Write a story with me, Virginia.”
Finally, I breathe. “What?”
“I don’t know shit about writing, but write a story with me. Our story. Your story. Mine. Whatever. Let’s not be afraid to write our own. To decide who we want to be, who we already are.”
I get what he’s saying. We don’t know much about life. Who really does? We all see things one way when most of the time, it’s the complete opposite. Even when you live in the situation, if it’s not yours, you don’t get it. Maybe even if it is yours, you don’t get it, but that doesn’t mean we should be afraid to write our own stories. To live.
“My dad…” I say.
“We’ll work around it. Or we won’t, but at least we tried. At least we didn’t give in.” Ryder closes his eyes, and I miss the colors in them. “I don’t want to steal cars, V. I don’t want my dad to decide who I am.”
Each of his words are a hand, a hand reaching out to me, reaching into my pockets, one by one, removing the rocks. Or maybe they’re my hands, and maybe his words just show me it’s okay to be the one to decide. Not to have to mold and shape and pretend to be anything. To be okay with who I am, flaws and all, and that ultimately, it’s all up to me.
“I don’t want my destiny decided for me…”
“It’s not,” he says.
“I like to write,” I admit. “It’s not what I want to do, but I’m good at it.”
“I don’t know what I’m good at yet, but I know there’s something.”
And then he kisses me, and I kiss him back. His body rests on mine, and I feel every inch of him. Feel that he wants me just as much as I want him, that it’s okay not to be in a hurry. Our time will come. Soon.
I drop my head backward and Ryder kisses my throat.
“I know there’s something for you, too,” I tell him.
It’s then I realize that’s it’s okay. Maybe I don’t have to have all the answers. It’s okay not to know what to do sometimes. It’s okay to make things up as you go. That’s kind of what Ryder and I did with
each other—just made things up as we went along. And I think maybe ours might be the greatest story ever written.
CHAPTER FIFTY
~Ryder~
I don’t use the bus ticket but I go on a road trip all the same. As soon as Virginia leaves, Luke and I jump in his car, fill it up with gas, and hope like hell it will make it to Detroit and back.
His work wasn’t too happy that he’s taking a few days off, but it doesn’t stop him. This is our time. The Blackstock brothers.
We basically eat nothing but gas station food the whole trip because it’s cheap. We sleep in the car at rest stops or just keep driving, taking turns. It’s even better than our day at the park when I was a kid. It’s our adventure, the first one we’ve gone on together as a team.
Not Luke who is better than me, or Ryder who wants to be just like Dad.
Just…brothers.
The drive takes us a few days and we go to the hotel where we’re supposed to meet Dad.
There’s a knock at the door exactly when he said he’d come. I’m sitting on the bed, my heart trying to run away from me. Luke squeezes my shoulder and whispers, “We got this.”
Not, you got this. Not, I got this. We got this.
And we do.
Pushing to my feet, I rub my palms on my jeans before walking to the door. I open it and Dad smiles at me. There’s a pinch in my chest but I ignore it. I have to. No matter what, he’s my dad; but I don’t want his life.
He takes one step into the room and freezes when he sees Luke sitting there.