by Nyrae Dawn
“What the fuck is going on here, Ryder?”
“We didn’t turn you in.” I close the door. “But I’m not staying, either.”
“So, he did turn you against me. You little bastard!” Dad goes after Luke, who jumps to his feet. Before Luke can do anything stupid, I jump between them. My dad isn’t someone you want to fuck with. I’ve seen him beat people. I’ve seen him hurt them. But I know he won’t hurt me.
“Luke!” I reach for him but he shakes me off.
“Just listen to him, Dad. Shut up and listen to what he has to say.” Luke holds his hands up as if to say he’s good.
“I…” It comes out all wrong and I have to clear my throat. The weight is on my chest again, but it’s a different kind. It’s the weight that comes with saying goodbye. “I don’t want to do this. I thought I did my whole life. I thought I wanted to be just like you, but…” I shrug. “I think the only thing I ever really wanted was for you to love me. You loved what I could do. You loved that I was good and quick and thought well on the spot. I pretended that was the same thing as loving me.”
But it wasn’t. Maybe Dad loves me and maybe he doesn’t. Maybe he loves Luke and maybe he doesn’t. Maybe he never thought his parents loved him so he doesn’t know how to show us.
Maybe we’ll never know. Life is full of uncertainty. All you can do is keep going.
Dad shoves Luke away, who stumbles backward. He looks at my brother, fire in his eyes. “This is you. You did this.” And then to me. “It’s a waste, Ryder. The world will always shit on people like us. I thought you were strong enough to fight back. You shouldn’t have come. Neither of you. Are you going to rat me out?”
My vision gets a little fuzzy. “No.”
“You’re both just like her. Just like your mother. You think you’re too good. Don’t fucking turn me in. If you do, I’ll know it’s you. I’m done with you both.”
Dad turns and walks out of the room. It’s the first time he’s said something like that about Mom. Hell, I don’t even remember her. I was a baby when she bailed. Maybe she did think she was too good. Maybe he chased her away. We’ll never know, and I’m okay with that. I have my friends. My brother. Virginia. And one day, I’ll know who I am, too. That’s all that matters.
“Come on, Luke. Let’s go home.”
CHAPTER FIFTY-ONE
~Virginia~
Mom hadn’t been home when I came back. Dad says we all need some time before we discuss things. It takes me a couple days to be ready to talk, and then finally I know I am.
This time, it is my decision for the family to sit around the dining room table.
Mom looks nervous, her hands on the table, and she’s looking down at them. Or maybe it’s not nerves; maybe it’s sadness.
Dad looks at me, gives me his kind smile, and it’s the strength I need.
“I’m sorry, Mom. So sorry. I didn’t know….I didn’t…” I shake my head. “Not knowing isn’t an excuse. I wasn’t fair to you, and I’m sorry about that.”
Relief flashes across Mom’s face, fear I hadn’t realized was there disappearing. And it hurts…makes me feel incredible, but it hurts at the same time. She loves me so much that she can forgive the fact that I’ve been horrible to her for years, this quickly. “Oh honey. You’re a child. You didn’t know any better. You’ve been hurt. You were protecting your heart. How can I fault you for that?”
My body gets jittery. “I love you. I’m so sorry,” I mumble again. I can’t sit over here anymore so I push to my feet and go to her. I climb on her lap like I used to do when she read my stories as I kid. I wrap my arms around her neck and cry.
Cry for our family and what’s it’s been through.
Cry for Mom and the pain she lives with daily.
Cry for Grandma and her destiny.
Maybe I even cry for Virginia Woolf, too. The mind is a funny thing. It’s not always something we can control, or even something that makes sense. It’s hard sometimes to see through the fog, the pain, hurt, fear and everything else we live with every day. Virginia Woolf couldn’t do it. Annette Klinger couldn’t, either. My heart breaks for them—that they couldn’t get the help they needed for a disease they couldn’t control.
Mom is fighting for that.
And I will as well.
“I think…I think I’d like to go. Talk to someone with you. Understand what’s going on with you better and maybe even…maybe even understand some things about myself.”
Dad sits across the table from us as we hug. Hug and cry. His girls. That’s what he used to call us. Even after they separated, he called us his girls.
Finally the tears stop. “Maybe I can start coming to your house on the weekends sometimes. I’d like to start staying there again.”
“I would love that, Virginia. So much.”
Mom lets me go and I sit beside her, instead of moving back to my chair next to Dad. “I want to talk about Ryder.” My parents share a look and I forge on. “He’s a good guy. He’s trying to be more than what he thought was his destiny. He loves me and I love him, and—”
“And you can see him,” Dad finishes.
“What?” I’d been prepared to go into the whole I turn eighteen in a couple months thing, but it looks like I won’t have to.
“He called me when you went there, Lulu. He didn’t have to do that. I’m not going to pretend I’m not still angry, but your mom reminded me what it’s like to be young. And that boy would do anything to protect you. That much is obvious.”
“There will be rules,” Mom adds.
“Yeah. Sure. Anything.”
Both my parents laugh and I’m glad we’re like this—the abnormal family that still loves each other and gets along, even when a marriage ends.
“No more drinking, or drugs, and he needs to come around the house.”
I don’t tell Dad he’s here often, just not when he’s home.
“Your mom needs to meet him as well, and school still needs to come first. You can’t—”
“We do homework together. Every day. He’s trying to bring his grades up.”
Dad nods and smiles. “Good. That’s good.”
We all go into the kitchen together to make dinner. My parents laugh and tease each other. They laugh and tease me. I wonder if Ryder and I will be like them one day. Hopefully still together, yet I want the respect and love between us that my parents have. It’s so thick around them, it touches me every time we’re together.
That’s life, I think. Sometimes people who love each other and are perfect for each other don’t work out. Sometimes the person who should be all wrong for you couldn’t be more right.
Life never goes the direction you think it will. No one’s destiny is mapped out for them. Life is full of choices and happiness and heartbreak. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.
EPILOGUE
There once was a girl named Virginia. She had hair made of honey and a life made of dreams. It wasn’t Perfect, no one’s was. But it was her life, and she loved it.
It wasn’t always like that, and that too, is life. It starts one way and ends another, because there isn’t life without growth.
When she was seventeen years old, she realized what growth really was. What life really was.
We are all people named Fear.
Perfect.
Liar.
Want.
Lonely.
Guilt.
Control.
Fate.
Hate.
Denial.
Thief.
Sadness.
Reckless.
Love.
We’re also all more than that. It’s all those identities that make us human. It’s all those people who show us we’re alive.
And she wanted to live.
The End
Keep reading for a letter from the author.
Dear Reader,
In high school I did my Jr. Research Paper on DID, though at the time it was more often called MPD—Multiple
Personality Disorder. I did it because I wanted to learn more about the disease that a close family friend of ours suffered from. I’ve seen the hardships DID, and mental illness can cause families. There is a ripple effect, and each and every person deals with it differently. The way Virginia dealt won’t be the same way others do but her journey was true to her.
For those of you out there who suffer from mental illness know that you aren’t alone. And that it’s okay. Reach out for help and you are strong. You. Are. Strong.
And to our friend wherever you are, I hope you are well. Thanks for being so open and honest with me about your struggles all those years ago.
Nyrae
Acknowledgement:
As always my family comes first. Thank you for dealing with me. I know I’m not always easy and when I get into my zone I sometimes block out everything else. I’m sorry for that and I love you. I couldn’t do it without you.
My readers. There aren’t enough words to thank you for supporting me. For taking this journey with me. There have been a lot of hard times. A lot. Most happen behind the scenes and what gets me through those times is you. Writing stories that I hope you will love. Thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart for giving your time to me and my characters.
Thanks to Wendy Higgins, who is my first reader and my best friend. Love you! Also to Steph Campbell, Kelley York and Jolene Perry for always listening, even if you’re silently shaking your head at me. LOL. I couldn’t do this without you, my friends. I’m so lucky to have you! Hugs and love to you.
David James, Jamie Manning, Heather Young-Nichols, Sarah Arthur, Momo, Tricia, Melissa, Lenore, and I’m so scared I am missing someone. If I am, I’m so sorry! But thank you all for reading and helping me get this story into shape.
I am so lucky to be surrounded by such smart, cool people.
Books two and three of the Misfits series available in 2015.
About the author:
Writing has always been Nyrae Dawn’s passion. Even when she was too busy chasing kids or working, writing stories was never far from her mind.
Nyrae gravitates toward character-driven stories. Whether reading or writing, she loves emotional journeys. It’s icing on the cake when she really feels something, but is able to laugh too. She’s also a proud romantic at heart who has a soft spot for flawed characters. She loves people who aren’t perfect, who make mistakes but also have big hearts.
Nyrae resides in sunny Southern California with her husband (who still makes her swoon) and her two awesome kids. When she’s not with her family, you can be pretty sure you’ll find her with a book in her hand or her laptop and an open document in front of her.
She writes for Entangled Publishing, Grand Central Publishing and is self-published.
Nyrae is represented by Jane Dystel of Dystel and Goderich Literary Management.
https://www.facebook.com/nyraedawnwrites
https://twitter.com/NyraeDawn
www.nyraedawn.blogspot.com
Table of Contents
Prologue
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Twenty
Chapter Twenty-One
Chapter Twenty-Two
Chapter Twenty-Three
Chapter Twenty-Four
Chapter Twenty-Five
Chapter Twenty-Six
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Chapter Thirty
Chapter Thirty-One
Chapter Thirty-Two
Chapter Thirty-Three
Chapter Thirty-Four
Chapter Thirty-Five
Chapter Thirty-Six
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Chapter Forty
Chapter Forty-One
Chapter Forty-Two
Chapter Forty-Three
Chapter Forty-Four
Chapter Forty-Five
Chapter Forty-Six
Chapter Forty-Seven
Chapter Forty-Eight
Chapter Forty-Nine