by Alla Kar
I grind my hips upward and press my head into the pillow. “Don’t do that,” he grinds through his teeth.
I lift a brow. “What?”
“Grind on me. I’m already about to bust a nut and I’ve hardly touched you. So stop moving,” he says, holding my gaze. His voice is a feral growl.
And the only thing I can do is obey. I melt as he strokes me and sucks my bottom lip into his. We’ve kissed before and each time it’s been breath taking.
The best kiss I’ve ever felt. And I know this includes Jordan’s.
It hurts my heart—my soul—to think about it. But there is absolutely no compassion. His kiss ignites a fire in me that I didn’t know existed. “Hold on tight,” he says when he pulls away. “Feel free moan as loudly as you want, Dove. No one can hear us in here.”
“What?” I ask right before he pushes his head between my legs and begins to lap at me. I twine my fingers in his hair, guiding his mouth to a pace that’s bringing me to the brick of insanity.
Opening my legs wide, I scoot my feet toward my butt, giving him better access to all of me. Not caring that I’m shivering while he runs his tongue up and down me. “So damn sweet,” his hot breath hits me, sending my already throbbing core into a frenzy.
I melt into his words, and sink myself further into his touch—his kiss. All the words I want to say are stuck in my throat, only moans and little screams leave my throat—there is no more room. My body is aching, arching, jerking and convulsing as his tongue explores me and his finger curls inside of me.
When I feel him lean forward, hovering over me, breath hitting my face in hard gasps, I open my eyes and stare into his blue ones.
His gaze slowly—seductively—drops to my lips and I part them immediately, waiting for his kiss. Yearning for it. When he does, I taste myself on him and I lose it. I feel like I’m combusting and all he’s doing is kissing me. He wraps his hand around my lower back and pulls me closer to him. “Are you ready, Dove?” he whispers.
I nod into his kiss. I’ve been ready for this for so long that I didn’t even realize it. He strips out of his shirt and leans back down to take my mouth in his. All his hard lines, and broad edges, too-blue eyes and a gaze that’s fucking me already.
He keeps my gaze as he pushes his jeans down his legs and off the side of the bed. And I’m looking—there. His cock is pressed tightly against the V in my legs. And even though I’ve felt him on me, and seen him before, I’m still shocked when I see him again.
I’m no virgin but I swallow at the length of him. “You’re sure?”
It feels like blood is rushing against the inside of my brain. I’m shaking with anticipation. And suddenly I’m tired of waiting. I’m tired of waiting for what I truly want. Beau.
“Yes,” I breathe a breathless plea. “Please.”
He reaches behind him, grabbing a condom from the drawer of his nightstand. He slides it onto his cock, and my sex clenches. And then he reaches between us, I watch as he takes his length in his hand and rubs it against my slick slit. He groans, closing those too-blue eyes. When he opens them again, they’re hooded, a devilish smile rising from the corner of his mouth.
I suck in the breath I was taking when he pushes himself into me, stretching me, filling me. “Oh,” I sigh, arching my back into him, feeling his hardness against my softness.
“Christ, Bella,” Beau sighs, tightening the fingers he has around the nape of my neck. “Fucking tight. Goddammit,” he whispers against my throat, before sliding his tongue against the hollow of my neck.
But I’m being filled to the maximum. I can’t focus on anything but him sliding his length inside of me. “You feel so goddamn good, Bella,” he whispers.
I mumble something incoherently and tighten my muscles around him. “Christ, Bella. I’m going to come before we get started.”
The best I can give him is a smile because if anything comes out of my mouth it’s going to be a scream. When he starts to move my eyes drift close and I let him slowly slide into—shit! He pulls his hips back and slams into me. With his thumbs hooked underneath my kneecaps, he spreads me wide, giving him the position he needs.
A submissively blissful plea leaves me as he continues his pace, pounding me into oblivion. And as long as he’s here—I don’t mind. The growls that leave him are building my orgasm if his huge cock in me isn’t. I’m so close already and we’ve just begun.
“Does that feel good, Dove?”
Nodding, I grind my hips against his rhythm but the pace is too fast to mimic. He lowers his lips, his mouth dancing across mine. “Dove?”
“Yes, it’s good,” I whisper. My voice sounds so, so soft. So different. So pleased. He growls when I run my fingernails down his wide shoulders, down his tribal tattoo on his upper arm and down to his wrists.
“More?” he asks.
My body’s begging me to open my mouth. “Yes!” My voice is louder than I meant for it to be but he takes the bait.
He palms my hips, pulls back and starts plowing into me. My body jerks with every forceful pump of his cock in me. “You like that baby?” his voice is deep and gravely sending my hormones on a rampage inside of me. His powerful chest is jerking with each hard breath of air passing through his body.
I’m so wet—so desperate for him that when I reach up, I immediately pull him down to me, nipping and licking at his shoulders and neck.
There isn’t any way he isn’t enjoying it. I can feel the growl vibrating in his chest that’s pressed against me, pinning me down to his bed. And suddenly it’s not about sex or foreplay. Or this situation that we’re in. It’s about him claiming me. Linking himself to me—so that I can’t get away.
And as scary as it is, I don’t run. I open my legs wider, wanting more and more of this ravished man riding me. All the sounds inside of me are lurching from my throat, my body begging for the release that’s inching closer and closer.
As soon as he leans forward and bites my neck I convulse around him. My fingernails dig into his back, and my legs tighten around his waist. Beau grabs my waist, tilts my ass upward and pounds harder into me—stretching out my orgasm until I’m shaking beneath his body. “Like that? Is that good, baby?” he growls outward, digging his fingers into my hip.
Good? God, it’s great. More than I’ve ever felt with anyone else. My mind is spinning as he nips and licks at my body, sending my orgasm to a new level of bliss. When he slows his pace, he leans over me, nipping at my bottom lip and sucking any part of me he can into his hot, wet mouth.
A primal growl settles at the base of Beau’s chest before he grabs my bottom and squeezes. “Come with me, Dove.” With his mouth at my neck he rocks his hips upward, hitting my g-spot over and over again.
My fingers lace into the back of his dark hair and I pull, letting out my pent up energy, rolling my hips to match him.
The other hand reaches between us, circling, pressing and torturing my clit. And then I’m unraveling in his touch. His mouth on mine. His hands on my most personal place.
My mouth makes the perfect O and I squeeze my eyes shut, another orgasm rocking through me like a lightning bolt. The pressure of his cock jerking inside of me, him spilling everything he has into me.
Once he starts pulsing inside of me he leans down and kisses me until my lips are raw, without removing himself from me. “You feel so good,” he whispers against my lips. “Just like I knew you would.”
Through a hooded gaze, I watch him with a slight smile on my face. The world around me is hazy. My orgasm leaving behind a weak and satisfied body. I feel him slowly pull out—and I immediately miss him—and then toss his condom in the trash.
One arm snakes around me and pulls me up to his side, before curling around me, spooning his body against mine.
I hear his soft voice singing into my ear, softly—soothingly and before I can question what we’d just done, I fall into a deep much needed sleep.
Chapter Fourteen
Bella
Some day
s you wake up and think ‘God, I don’t want to get up today. Just let me sleep.” And then there are others when you think ‘Why in the hell am I so sore?”
That day is today. My thighs tighten as I try to stretch my arms over my head and search for the end of the bed with my toes. When my foot touches something warm and hard I freeze.
Everything comes soaring down on me like a bulldozer on a rundown building. I sit straight up and all the tiredness is gone. I’m fully awake. And so is Beau who is staring up at me. Not only is he shirtless, but I can see the outline of his morning wood from underneath the covers.
Christ! That was in me—Oh, God that was in me. “Good morning,” he rasps.
I know I’m blushing. I can feel the heat taking over my cheeks. “Hi,” I whisper, tucking my hair behind my ears. I probably look like I did on the mountain. A hot mess.
Sighing, Beau sits up and runs his fingers through his hair. “You snore,” he says, stretching and standing up.
Yep, definitely naked. He fumbles around the floor looking for clothes. I watch the door he disappears out of and hopes the shower turns on. I’ve got to go. This isn’t a good place to be in broad daylight. Naked in Beau’s bed. All it takes is for Cody to come knocking on the door and then everything is out in the open.
I don’t think I’m ready for that yet.
Beau comes back a couple minutes later with my dress and underwear in a nice neat pile. “You can have the shower first if you want.”
I try my damnedest to avoid his eyes as I shyly stand up and start getting dressed. “Actually, I need to go.” I’ve got—things to do.”
Beau’s jaw tightens and he stares blankly at me as I pull my dress over my head. “Don’t do this,” he whispers.
And we both know what he’s talking about.
But I play dumb. “Do what, Beau?”
“Run. Don’t you dare run from this or me. We’ve both wanted it for so long, Bella. Just—wait and we’ll talk.”
I shake my head and keep my eyes on the floor as I search for my shoes. “Beau, I need to go because I have class and work. Not for any other reason.”
He laughs, blocking my view from exiting the door. “Don’t fucking bullshit me, Bella. I’m not in the mood for games this morning. I just made love to you and now you’re bolting?” he runs his fingers through his hair. “Please—just stay and talk. We can talk about it!”
“No! I don’t want to talk about anything Beau! Move!”
He presses his lips into a thin line. “Just forgive yourself. That’s what’s keeping these deep rooted feelings inside of you. I’ve had them too, Bella. We’ve got to forgive ourselves or we’ll never move past this. I—love you. I’ve loved you since the first day I saw that dove on your hand in class. I just knew.”
Tears fill my eyes. He loves me! He loves me? God, what did I do to deserve this fate? Does anyone deserve to love and be loved by a person they aren’t supposed to be with?
I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to move. Staying in bed all day with Beau would be the best day of my life. But it’s just not right. As badly as I want last night to be justified I can’t think of any reason that sounds legitimate that would justify it. I faulted on my own feelings and not thinking about the reality of us—yet again—I went with my own feelings.
“How can I ask forgiveness from someone that’s dead, Beau?” I whisper.
“You don’t, Bella. There isn’t a way to do that. But there is always a way to forgive yourself.” He points toward my chest and leaves his palm against my racing heart. “Please stay.”
I sidestep him and I hear a soft sound escape him. I open his apartment door—no shoes, no vehicle—but he slams it shut with his open palm. “Please,” he whispers at the back of my neck, his breath fluttering against me. “You’re the reason,” he whispers.
I turn to face him. He doesn’t move back, he reaches to grab his wallet off the kitchen counter and pulls out a small slip of paper. It’s tucked deeply into the folds of his leather wallet, and he slowly unfolds it and hands it to me.
It’s the same paper and size of the ones we used when we crashed but I’m sure I haven’t seen these words. At least not on the paper.
In his small cursive handwriting is a small sentence.
The reason is you.
A loud sob breaks from me. I’m out of his front door, ignoring him calling after me. My bare feet slapping against the pavement and the desperate sound of my breathing is the only thing I hear.
I don’t hear the cars in the parking lot. Or the group of college kids sitting on the nearest balcony. All I hear is my sorrow. And my favorite song being recited by Beau. And how much I love him.
And then I’m being drown with the bitter knowledge of knowing I can’t have him.
***
Ashley picks me up on the corner closest to Beau’s apartment complex. There isn’t any denying what’s going on because she knows as soon as she sees me. I see it on her face. The shock.
I crawl into her Beemer and bring my knees up underneath my chin. “Are you okay?” she asks.
I shake my head and press my nose into the cress of my knee. “Did you bring me some shoes?”
“Yeah, though it looks like you need a bath too. What’s wrong, Bella?”
I half sob, half laugh and shake my head. “Can we get some coffee? I’ll tell you there.”
“You got it.”
When we get to Starbucks I’m suddenly aware of how I look. My reflection in the glass double doors is scary as shit. And the looks I get confirm that my hair is definitely that wild and my leftover makeup looks that bad.
Ashley goes to the counter and orders our drinks while I take a seat in a back booth and rest my head against the wall. I thought the aroma of coffee would bring me back to life, but it doesn’t look like it’s happening.
Ashley slides into our booth five minutes later, slings her purse to the side and hands me my coffee. “Okay, spill.”
I take a small sip of my coffee and wait for the liquid to slide down my throat. “I don’t know where to start, Ashley.”
She pushes her chestnut hair off her shoulder and leans across the table to take my hand. “We could start at why you were sitting on the curb with no vehicle and no reason?”
I swallow the growing lump and it burns me to speak. “I was at Beau’s.”
She furrows her brow. “Oh, well why didn’t he take you home?”
I take another sip and try to run my fingers through my tangled bedroom hair. “Because I wouldn’t let him.”
“Wha—why?”
“Because I had sex with Beau last night, Ashley. Because I’m in love with my DEAD boyfriend’s best-friend.” And then everything spills from my mouth like word vomit.
When I finish, I’m crying so hard that my shoulders are shaking and the little coffee I did drink is forcing its way back up my throat. “And—I love him. So much. So much. I don’t know what to do. He’s—so perfect. The connection was there before Jordan passed, and I was debating whether I wanted to stay with Jordan or not—but when we crashed, I knew it wouldn’t be right. It couldn’t be right. What would people say?”
Ashley sits across the table and she’s not even blinking. The confused look on her face is searing into me. “Say something.”
She opens her mouth and then slams it shut. “We all knew, Bella,” she finally whispers. “I mean—we knew you and Jordan liked each other. But we always noticed the way Beau and you were around each other. It’s not a secret.”
Wow. “I—but it’s different now. Jordan’s gone and—,”
“And Beau and you aren’t?” she asks. “If you love him Bella you just do. It’s not a who had you first or your boyfriend is dead kind of thing. It’s been almost seven months.”
Pressing my eyes closed, I let the stray tears make their way down my tear streaked cheeks. “I’m scared for Jordan’s parents to find out. I’m scared I’m doing the wrong thing. I had sex with him.”
�
�Good sex it seems like.” I give her a look. “Sorry,” she sighs. “Bella I hate seeing you like this—I wish you would have told me. I would have never played along to Cody’s mastermind plan to get you two to talk.”
I shrug.
She takes another sip of her coffee. “Have you talked to the other survivors yet?”
Another assail of guilt hits me. “I—no. Kat—the little girl—writes me but I just can’t look at her. I feel so guilty every time I think about the crash. I’m a fucking wreck, Ashley. I don’t know what’s going on in my head anymore. It’s like someone’s taken over me.”
“Have you talked to someone about it? Maybe a counselor? It may help, Bella.”
I watch the line at the register grow longer and longer. “Maybe—I could. If you think it could help?”
She nods and pulls out her wallet, before pulling out a card. “My aunt is a psychologist. She may be someone to talk to.”
I take the index card, look over the thick lettering of her name Dr. Johns and tuck it into the side of my shoe, since I have no purse or pockets. “Do you think I’m wrong?”
Ashley lifts her eyes to mine and a soft smile curls up her face. “I think you’re in love with someone and terrible circumstances are surrounding you both. And I think you’re scared to give yourself to him because of those circumstances. But I don’t think you’re wrong or a bad person.”
“I hope you’re right,” I whisper.
Chapter Fifteen
Beau
Bella didn’t show up for work today. But I’m not surprised. I pushed her too far and now she’s freaked.
The beer bottle that’s pressed against my mouth is almost empty. My fifth beer at Maddie’s and I see the worried look on Gin’s face as she passes me my sixth.