Our December

by Diane Adams

  "You can do it." Jared tried to encourage him, but Alex cut him a look that said clearly what he thought of the attempt. Jared suppressed a laugh. Alex did a little better that time, catching the edge of the pins on his second try and knocking down three of them. He gloated while Jared grudgingly wrote down his score.

  Jared got to his feet and headed for his ball. He couldn't remember ever thinking about a ball as his enemy before, but this one lay there smug and gleaming, eager to humiliate him again.

  "I'll help!" Alex announced, bouncing to his feet. Jared turned to look at him. Help?

  Well, there was no arguing with the fact that three equaled more than one. He supposed he should take what he could get. He shrugged and turned to face the lane. Alex came up behind him, too close. Jared felt Alex's breath on the back of his neck just as the boy took hold of his wrist to pull his hand back. Jared gasped. Every nerve in his body came alive. He panicked and jerked away.

  "Rules. You're only fifteen, no touching," Jared snapped, his heart pounding. He worried Alex would read his arousal for what it was. Alex frowned. Jared waited him out. If Alex pushed, then friendship between them would be impossible. Five years wouldn’t matter if they were twenty and twenty-five. Alex wasn’t twenty. Jared shifted anxiously, waiting for Alex's reaction to what was sure to be the first of many rules if being friends was going to work.

  "Whatever, but that means you have to do it yourself again." Alex smirked and sat back down.

  Jared relaxed. He hadn't meant to present the no contact rule that way, but he couldn't think with Alex so close. He seemed to have taken the outburst well and Jared hoped he was okay with just being friends.

  Jared chose to ignore how much he wanted more. He wasn't stupid. He understood his standards wouldn't stop Alex from being touched, just that it would be someone else kissing him, holding him, and loving him. Something inside Jared tore at the thought of anyone else having Alex. Jared turned, took the required steps, and threw the ball as if the pins were the men in Alex's future. His strike stunned both of them. Alex whooped and Jared grinned from ear to ear. The boy threw himself into his arms in a hug of celebration, his delight overcoming the new boundary.

  "You did it!" Alex grinned, his face shining with pride. Jared forced a grin and stepped away from Alex.

  "Oh, I did it, all right," he agreed. His jaw clenched and he went to write down his score. "Your turn."

  Like a Rock

  "He's solid."

  "Solid?"

  "Yeah, like a rock or something."

  Jared leaned against a tree, staring out over the lake. On the other side of the foliage, Alex chatted with Clark. They didn't see him, and it seemed like the smart thing would be to stay quiet and let them move on when they were ready. By the time Jared realized they were talking about him, it was too late to reveal himself. Feeling like a stalker, he shifted position so he could see them through the leaves. Alex sat on a bench, facing the water. He leaned forward, his forearms braced on his thighs with his dark head bent over his hands. He turned something over in his fingers, but Jared couldn't see what it was.

  "A rock?" Clark sat beside him, arms stretched along the back of the bench, watching the ducks and the scantily clad girls go by. "I didn't think he looked all that strong… not that I was looking or anything." Alex cut a look at him then returned his attention to whatever he had in his hands. Jared bit back a laugh.

  "I didn't mean that, but I saw him without his shirt when we went to the gym." Alex said, "He's built, not like a rock… more like… I don't know. He's perfect. He's got freckles on his shoulders, not a lot, just scattered across. Cause he's a redhead, I guess."

  Jared's face burned as he listened to the boy struggle to describe his body. Clark frowned, looking away from a particularly bouncy blonde to look at Alex.

  "He doesn't have red hair."

  It was a statement, not a question, but the protest didn't surprise Jared. His hair was so dark that unless the light was exactly right almost no one noticed the auburn. Alex turned to look at Clark. Alex's curls caressed his collar, making Jared's fingers itch.

  "It doesn't look red because it's so dark, but in the sun… oh my God." He paused before he spoke again. "He's got freckles on his nose too. And he's young, a lot younger than I thought." He turned his attention back to his fingers and Clark went back to duck watching.

  "Oh, I thought it was brown," he said, and then with more interest, "How young?" Alex's fingers stopped moving.

  "Not young enough, he won't touch me." His voice became pained, but colored with understanding. "We're friends though, I think."

  There was silence between them for a while then Clark picked up the thread of conversation once more.

  "I still don't get why he's a rock."

  "His nature," Alex told him quietly. "He means what he says, you know? And he's got… I don't know what to call it… but if he thinks something is wrong, he won't do it. Sucks sometimes, but hardly anyone is like that. I can believe what he says." He grinned, and even in profile, he took Jared's breath away. "Bet I could make him like a rock somewhere else if he gave me half a chance." He laughed and tossed his hair out of his face.

  Jared’s cheeks burned. Alex had no idea how accurate his words were.

  "That's way too much information." Clark said. They stood to leave. "I really don't want to know the details." Alex dropped whatever was in his hand and slung his arm around his friend's shoulders. Jared was surprised when Clark didn't shrug him away.

  "I'll remember that the next time you want me to look at some chick's fake tits," Alex said.

  "That's the weirdest part of this whole gay thing," Clark said. "You really don't like tits?" They were far enough away Jared couldn't hear Alex's reply, but the boys' laughter carried back to him.

  Jared walked over to where they had been sitting. There, on the ground, was a smooth, dark stone. He picked it up, turning it over in his fingers. It was still warm from Alex's hand. Alex liked Jared's freckles and his hair. Jared stared at the rock, thinking about the things Alex had said. It was the first time anyone ever said he had a perfect body, and the idea made him laugh. Alex needed to get out more. Despite his embarrassed amusement over the boy’s physical infatuation, Jared would never forget that what Alex liked most about him was something he didn't even have a word for. Integrity. Jared couldn’t ask for a better compliment. He dropped the rock into his pocket and continued his run.

  Decision

  Frank Ross, Alex’s father, sat behind his desk studying his co-worker in silence. Bill had stopped by the office to tell Frank he’d seen Alex out a few times with an older guy. Once at the bowling alley, when he was practicing for his league, and a second time in line at the theater, when he dropped his son off with some friends.

  "They weren't doing anything wrong," Bill assured him, "at least, nothing I saw. You know there weren't any signs of drinking or drugs, nothing like that, but…" He hesitated, seeming at a loss for words. His silence stirred dread in Frank's heart. He’d tried to resist the idea, but had become certain Alex identified as gay. Frank understood Bill's carefully worded warning, but also resented it. He fought with his emotions in an effort to maintain control. Bill shrugged in the midst of the silence, looking uncomfortable.

  "I thought you should know," he said, and after a few polite exchanges about work and the well-being of their families, he made an excuse to escape.

  Frank had a difficult time finishing the day. Bill's assurances that he didn't notice anything wrong rang false. The previous summer Frank tried talking to Alex about his orientation, but Alex closed up tighter than a clam, shrugging him off. His grades were down, and now Frank thought he knew why. The only question that remained was what he was going to do about it.

  Alex wasn't old enough to drive, walking almost everywhere he went. He’d call out where he was going before heading out the door and down the road to town, or more commonly Clark’s house. The weekend after Bill’s insinuations, when Alex hea
ded for the bowling alley, Frank waited a few minutes then followed him. He parked in the bowling alley lot where he could see the door but Alex was unlikely to spot the car. He didn’t have to wait long before Alex appeared. He walked up singing and reached in his pocket to turn off his iPod as he glanced around. He grinned and tossed his apple core into the trash before heading into the building. Frank wondered which car he had searched for but none of them volunteered any information, nothing beyond a "trust Jesus now" bumper sticker on the trunk of a yellow Toyota and a rainbow peace sign in the side window of a Volkswagen Bug.

  Frank hesitated before going inside. He disliked spying on his son. Alex had never given him reason to distrust him, but Frank was determined to keep him safe. His mind made up, he went in. It was busy and loud, with a snack bar at one end and full service, café style restaurant at the other. Rows of video games lined the walls, college students gathered around each one. Between the other activities and the bowling lanes were rows of wooden stands filled with balls. Frank remembered bowling balls being black, and a lot of them were, but the entire spectrum of the rainbow was evident as well. Frank frowned. He really didn't want to think about rainbows at that moment.

  He kept a sharp look out as he wound through the crowd, and finally saw Alex at a set of lanes on the end near the snack bar. He and Clark were putting on their shoes. Frank smiled at the sight of his son wearing borrowed shoes. He wasn't sure he'd believe it if he hadn't seen it. Alex was weird about other people's sweat.

  The snack bar provided the perfect cover and Frank ordered fries and a Coke before finding a table where he could watch the boys unseen. Alex and Clark were more interested in scanning the crowd than getting ready to bowl. Then Clark elbowed Alex, nodding towards the front. Frank turned on his stool, following their line of sight. He expected to see a young lady with nice… assets. Clark had a reputation for his great appreciation for a girl with curves. What Frank saw was a young man with longish brown hair. He looked just a few years older than the boys, but it was enough. He was a man, while they still clung to the edges of childhood, and Frank's guard went up. Every instinct demanded that he get Alex out of there, but it was an unreasonable impulse, and he squelched it.

  He remembered how he and his friends like hanging out with older boys in an effort to meet girls, and Frank relaxed. Clark being there helped put things in better perspective. He considered leaving but didn't, enjoying this peek into his very private son's social life. The young man sat next to Alex and changed his shoes. He made a face, and they shared a joke, clearly at the expense of the horrendous footwear. The newcomer was attractive and seemed friendly, and the boys were comfortable with him. The three had a good-natured argument over who would bowl first, looking like none of them wanted to do it. Finally, the oldest shrugged and got to his feet. Once he started, it was obvious he didn't know how to bowl. In fact, by the time they all took a turn, it looked like none of them had a clue what they were doing but they were having fun, and Frank supposed that was the point.

  They were into the second game before it sank in that for Alex, fun wasn't the only point. For Clark, it was about the girls and he scanned for them continually. When he saw one worthy of notice, he'd drag Alex's attention to her. Alex looked and made some remark that satisfied Clark, but his eyes always returned to the young man with them. He watched the other man constantly. Once, when the guy took his turn, Alex leaned and whispered something to Clark. Clark turned to look then made a face. He knocked his shoulder against Alex's, affectionately, but didn't agree with what Alex said.

  Bill had been right. The boys did nothing wrong, not a single touch passed between Alex and the other man, and yet it was impossible to deny what was there. The attraction between them reflected in their body language, in their expressions, but was revealed most clearly by the way they never touched. Dead giveaway. Alex and Clark touched constantly. They roughhoused, gave noogies, touched fists, and knocked shoulders. Touching was natural and right between them. They'd been best friends almost since diapers, but this new friend, the one Frank's son couldn't keep his eyes off, never made contact, not even a high five when he finally knocked over a few pins.

  The younger boys approached the snack bar to get a drink and Frank hunched over his soda, feeling like a traitor. Before this, he thought if he ever found out what he suspected about Alex was true, it'd make him angry. Instead, his heart ached. His son was a stranger, and he didn't know what to do about it. Frank could easily see the hardship ahead for Alex if he continued in the direction he was going. Frank didn't want that for him. Not exactly the life he imagined for his brilliant boy.

  He didn't know anything about being gay. He wanted to help Alex. Not anything like sending him off to some psycho place to de-gay him, but get him away, make sure he understood his options. Clark's voice pulled Frank from the dismal pit of his thoughts.

  "I thought he liked you," Clark complained, waiting for their fries to cook. Alex glanced around furtively.

  "Shhh! What if someone hears?" He turned slightly towards Clark, muffling his next words, but Frank could still make them out. "I told you, he won't touch me. That’s our first rule, because he says I'm too young." Alex's irritation was obvious, but so was his admiration. "He promised himself. Jared always keeps his promises. Because he's got integrity." Alex thanked the girl behind the counter for his food and drink, oblivious when she tried to flirt with him.

  Frank bit back a smile. He didn't have to see the eye roll accompanying Alex's tone. He'd been on the receiving end often enough.

  "He says I have to have it too. It's especially important for gay men to mean what they say." Alex drank some of his soda. They were almost out of earshot. "We have a lot of fun, but sometimes, I think he's teaching me everything I didn't want to know about being gay. I mean, geez, how 'bout some sex, you know?"

  Clark nodded with abject sympathy. Frank stared thoughtfully into his soda. He didn't want to hear his son talking about sex, but obviously every boy wanted it, regardless of orientation. Frank took a long drink of his Coke, wishing there was some rum in it, maybe a lot of rum. He turned back to watch his son.

  When the boys got back to the lanes they settled the food, and Alex handed the guy, Jared, his name was Jared, the cup he'd been drinking from. Still no touching, but Jared's gaze held Alex's when he took the cup and drank from the same straw. Frank left. The only other option was to make a scene and that would get him nowhere.

  Jared seemed like a good guy. He was being careful of Frank's boy. Things could be much worse, but Frank still worried. Alex was too young to make the kind of life altering decision Frank saw in Alex's expression when he looked at Jared. If Alex was really gay, Frank knew he couldn't change that, but he could give Alex something the boy didn't know he needed.

  Time.

  Frank intended to give Alex that time, even if his son hated him for it.

  Introspection

  Jared dropped into the booth across from Alex. The small restaurant attached to the bowling alley was busy. The confusion made the table where they sat an oasis of calm. The shouts, laughter, and chatter assured their privacy. Alex pushed his basket of fries toward the center of the table in silent invitation. Jared grabbed a handful and settled back.

  "So what's going on with you?" he asked with a grin before starting on the fries. Alex shrugged, eating another fry, one elbow on the table, chin propped in the heel of his hand. He didn't meet Jared's eyes, a sure sign something was wrong.

  "I don't know, it's stupid. I'm stupid, life's stupid." He looked up. "Everything's stupid but you."

  Jared struggled to hold back a laugh. He picked up his Coke and took a drink.

  "Dude, I just meant, how are you," Jared said, and Alex blushed. He remained slumped over his snack, shaking his head.

  "Sorry," he muttered. Jared turned to lean against the wall, stretching his long legs along the bench. He ate a fry while studying Alex's unusually downcast appearance.

  "Why are you stupid?"
Jared asked.

  If anything, the question made the boy worse, hunching his shoulders, and staring miserably into his chocolate shake.

  "It's just, IkeephavingdreamsaboutClark," he said in such a rush that Jared had to take a second to sort out the words. Upon figuring it out, it was another struggle to keep his amusement contained.

  "Maybe you are secretly in love with him," Jared suggested. The look on Alex's face was priceless.

  "If you can't say something useful then shut up," he muttered, "we all know I'm in love with…"

  "…the idea of getting laid," interrupting Alex before any harm was done. Jared sat up, his feet hitting the floor. He leaned forward, resting his forearms on the table. Alex snorted his disgust at Jared's obvious diversionary tactic but let it go.

  "Yeah, that's it, because Clark's so hot he's irresistible to all humankind," Alex said. Clark chose that minute to plop down beside Alex.

  "Well that's not news," Clark said, grabbing a handful of fries, uninvited, from the quickly diminishing supply. He shoved them into his mouth and reached for Alex's shake. "Do you think I should be nervous? What with my fag friends talking about how hot I am and all." Alex shoved Clark so hard he almost fell off the end of the booth. Clark burst out laughing, raising his hands in surrender.

  "Kidding man, kidding!" He choked on his fries, and Alex pounded his back in an effort to keep him from dying. Eyes watering, Clark gulped down half of Alex's milkshake.

  When he could breathe again, he settled back in the booth. "What are we talking about?"

  Alex shot a pleading look in Jared's direction. He gave up his efforts at restraint and laughed at them.

  "We were trying to decide who the hottest straight guy we know is, and your name may have come up." Jared winked at him and Clark blushed.