Our December

by Diane Adams

  Jared watched the boy square his shoulders. A light came into his eyes.

  "I really can't stop this, can I?" His tone pleaded for Jared to take it back, but it was beyond Jared's ability to fix and he shook his head.

  "I can't help, Alex, I wish I could." Despite his initial relief that Alex wouldn't be there for him to mess up, Jared's heart ached with the knowledge the end came much sooner than anticipated. His life would be a darker place without Alex and his thousand-watt smile.

  "I have to just accept it?"

  "Not at all, you can argue your side. If your Dad doesn't come around to your way of thinking, and he probably won't, then find a way to show you are cooperating under protest."

  "Dignity and self-respect," Alex mumbled. "It's all you talk about sometimes, even when you don't say it. Is that really all that matters?"

  They were on their feet, and Jared led Alex to the door. He looked at the boy's earnest face, the stain of his tears still on his cheeks. Jared wanted to touch him, to offer physical comfort, not just rationale, but he didn't dare. He couldn't trust himself.

  "What else is there?" he asked.

  Alex's eyes narrowed, and without warning, he crowded Jared against the door.

  "This." Alex reached out grabbing Jared's hair, pulling him down into a kiss. Their breath mingled and their lips met. With a low moan of desperation, Jared pulled Alex hard against him. He needed this so much. Alex surged forward and when Jared lifted him off the floor, Alex's legs wrapped around his waist. Jared turned, pinning Alex against the wall with his body. His hands cupped Alex's face, his thumbs caressing smooth cheeks. His mouth slanted, demanding and hungry, over Alex's. Their tongues tangled and Alex pulled hard on Jared's hair, rutting against him.

  The sounds he made, agonized whimpers of need, brought Jared back to his senses. He jerked away so fast he dropped Alex. Stumbling, Alex regained his balance, unable to tear his eyes away from Jared's.

  "Holy crap. Is it always like that?"

  Shaken to his core, Jared struggled to regain control. Alex's eyes, dark with need, wide with surprise, were a magnet to Jared's raging lust.

  "No, no, it's not. It's never like that. You have to go."

  After a single wide-eyed stare, Alex fled.

  On a Jet Plane

  *8 fri nite gate c*

  Jared stared at the text from Alex. They hadn't seen one another since the afternoon Alex burst into Jared's office. His dad had him on the fast track to leave town and there wasn't time for more than a few hurried texts. Jared already missed Alex, and knowing he was soon going to be gone for good made him want to throw the fit he talked Alex out of… to hell with dignity.

  Sometimes he thought it was unfortunate that self-control was such an ingrained part of his nature. It wasn't very satisfying. Letting Alex go was the right thing to do, but it hurt like hell. Alex wanted him to come to the airport, but Jared couldn't say good-bye to the boy in person and stay calm. Jared worried what his decision to stay away would cost. He didn't know if Alex would understand.

  Jared couldn't face Alex in person, but Friday found him at the airport, looking at the passengers from what was once a railed overlook. Airport security had it walled with glass, and Jared stood behind the double thick layer of safety glass, looking for Alex among the passengers waiting to board. He didn't see the boy and scanned the crowd again, his eyes returning to a young man sitting with his back towards Jared. He was bald with an oriental tattoo at the nape of his neck, the letters stark black lines. Jared couldn't make out the details. Something about him seemed familiar, but he never turned so Jared could catch a glimpse of his face.

  He still couldn't find Alex. Speakers buzzed and blared the boarding call for Gate C. The waiting crowd shifted from lethargy to action. People put away laptops and gathered bags, getting ready for the last stage of boarding. The bald guy captured Jared's attention again as he slung his backpack over one shoulder, the same type as Alex's, but it wasn't until Jared caught a glimpse of his profile that he realized why the guy was so familiar.

  It was Alex. His dark curls were a thing of the past, and his new tattoo screamed rebellion, yet he picked up his bag and walked over to stand with his dad without a sign of the turmoil Jared knew it took to get him to that point. Jared ran a hand through his own hair and shook his head. He didn't think he had the courage to shave it off, or maybe he was just too vain. He liked his hair. Jared wondered about the tattoo, maybe it said 'screw you', though that seemed more Clark's style than Alex's. Jared's amusement faded as the line of people filed past the flight attendant taking their tickets before they disappeared into the boarding tunnel.

  "He'll be back, you know."

  Startled, Jared jumped. He tore his eyes away from Alex to meet Clark's gaze for a second. Clark's grin was half-mast but he made the effort. Jared tried to give him as much back, but his lips trembled. He turned away before embarrassing himself. Clark was oblivious and pulled out his phone and typed in a text. Alex's dad handed the attractive, blonde flight attendant his ticket and stepped past her. Instead of following immediately, Alex pulled out his phone and glanced at the screen. He turned and looked directly at Jared. Alex's grin split his face. His hair was gone but his smile was exactly the same. Despite the ache in his chest, Jared smiled back. Alex's dad tugged at his backpack, they were holding up the line. Alex handed over his ticket and waved to Jared and Clark. Jared lifted his hand in automatic response. He laid it on the glass as if that were the only thing separating him from Alex. The leaving was over. Alex was gone. The pain was excruciating. Jared leaned his forehead against the glass, staring at the empty space that, a moment before, held Alex. Tears threatened and he fought them back.

  "Dude, he's not gone forever," Clark said, patting his shoulder. His discomfort over offering support distracted Jared, making it easier to breathe. He turned to face Clark, though all he had to offer was a watery smile.

  "No, not forever," he agreed, but he knew it was a lie. Growing up was subtle when someone was there every day, sometimes it was hard to realize it was happening at all. Within their minds, over the next few months, Alex wouldn't age at all. When he came back, it would be in an avalanche of change. It was in the midst of that change Jared was sure Alex would outgrow his puppy love and move on to better and more exciting things. He said he'd let Alex go, it was time to follow through, but his heart rebelled, and Jared knew he was in for a battle. He wasn't sure he could win. Clark's stomach growled.

  "I'm hungry," he declared.

  Jared raised a brow at him. "Really? I'd have never guessed." Clark blushed and shoved Jared's shoulder. "Let's go eat. Your choice, I'm buying."

  Clark lit up at Jared's offer, heading for the nearest exit. "Greasy Dog, here we come!"

  Jared's phone beeped and he pulled it out. A text from Alex. Jared hesitated, before touching the screen to open the text.

  *thanx dude c u soon*

  Alex had only wanted to see him after all, just to know he was there.

  *np*

  Visitor

  Frank battled a moment of indecision before forcing himself out of the car and up the steps to the front door of the small house. The postage stamp yard was neat, the grass mowed, and the leaves raked. Bright orange chrysanthemums hung in pots over the porch railings on either side of the door, and a white wooden glider sat to the left. Jared was a puzzle Frank hadn't worked out yet. Jared's reputation preceded him in the community. He was a hard worker, the youngest contractor in town, but no one had qualms about hiring him. Jared never took jobs he didn't have licenses to do, and never padded bids or cut corners. He had the yard of a spinster grandma. Frank pushed the doorbell and waited. He'd just decided Jared wasn't going to answer when the door opened. When Jared's startled eyes met his, Frank fought another round with his nerves. He shoved them down and offered his hand.

  "Hello, Jared. I'm Frank, Alex's father." Jared shook his hand.

  "Couldn't be anyone else with that face, he looks just like yo
u."

  Frank grinned. "I get that every so often," he said, "I won't take much of your time, but I wanted to stop and thank you."

  Jared rubbed a hand through his hair, and Frank noted how tired Jared looked and wondered how much worrying about Alex kept him up at night.

  "Thank me?" Jared asked, puzzled. "Do you want to come in?"

  Frank shook his head. "We can sit here," he said, settling onto the top stair.

  There was a moment's hesitation before Jared joined him. Frank tried to decide where to start. He couldn't pretend he was pleased with Alex's decisions, but he wasn't upset either. He didn't want to get off to a bad start with Jared.

  "Is there something I can help you with?" Jared asked, his tone cautious.

  "You already did. I sent my boy away last week. It's the best thing for him right now, but it wasn't easy. It could have been bad, really bad. Instead, he left with his dignity and our family intact. Someone was responsible for that." Frank met Jared's surprised look with level honesty.

  Frank's talk with Alex about leaving had begun as he’d thought it would, with his emotional son indulging in tears, screaming, and threats. Frank hadn't expected the boy to run. Frank had been sure that when Alex left, he'd gone to Jared. Instead of following, Frank had decided to trust Alex and wait him out.

  "He's a good boy." Jared said.

  "Yes, he is, but he's also impulsive and emotional. We had a huge fight that afternoon, and then when he came home, he wouldn't talk. He locked himself in his room. My wife was hysterical. She thought he was going to kill himself and it would be my fault. Thankfully, Alex was still alive when he came downstairs the next morning. He ate breakfast with me and gave me a well thought out, point-by-point argument for why I should let him stay. He gave me a run for my money, but the fact is that getting him away right now is the right thing for him."

  Jared stared at the wooden step under his feet and didn't respond.

  "You think it's because of you." Frank reached out a gentle hand and clasped Jared's shoulder. The young man, barely out of childhood himself, looked up to meet Frank's eyes. Regret pricked Frank's heart at the raw pain reflected there.

  "It was the only thing to do, he's too young. I tried to be a good influence for him."

  Frank squeezed Jared's shoulder. "Son, you were one of the strongest arguments to keep him here. Thank God he didn't use that one against me." Frank laughed at the stunned surprise on Jared's face. "Alex needs what that school has academically. He needs the challenge, something he's never had in school here. However, that's not the only reason I sent him. My son is gay." It was Frank's turn to stare at the step. "Alex doesn't know that I know, but it can't stay a secret much longer, especially now." Frank let his hand fall away from Jared. "I raised my boy to be his own man. I expect him to make his own choices, but I didn't anticipate this one. I hope sending him away will change things, but I don't believe it will. I'm not stupid or blind. I know he didn't choose to be gay, he just is. I don't like it, but I'm okay with it. His mother will never accept it."

  "You sent him away because of his mother?" Jared's voice was incredulous.

  Frank gave a short, bitter laugh. "I know it's hard to believe that the gay boyfriend who's too old for my son isn't my issue, but Jared, I've seen you with Alex. I've seen the influence you have on him and the care you take with him. My boy could do much worse. I don't know how this happened, how you happened, but I'm grateful." Frank paused.

  Jared didn't say anything, just stared out at the street with his strong forearms resting on his thighs, his profile hidden from Frank by the fall of his fine auburn hair. He sat in self-possessed calm, waiting for Frank to continue. Frank admired Jared's self-control, but he wished Jared would look at him and give him an idea of what he thought.

  "My wife thinks Alex set the sun and the moon. She talks endlessly about a daughter-in-law and babies. She should have had a dozen kids, but we only had one. When she finds out he's gay, Alex is going to pay. There will be no daughter-wife, no grandchildren. Just her son and his partner, an embarrassment with no benefits. If you could get pregnant, all would be well." He surprised a laugh out of Jared.

  "Alex knows, or at least, he suspects how she'll feel. That's why he's so afraid to come out, even though he's more comfortable in his own skin than anyone I ever met. I wondered. I thought… well, never mind what I thought. I was wrong."

  Jared shrugged and finally met Frank's eyes. "You thought it was me."

  Frank shook his head. "Well, for a while, I thought it might be me, too. It was a nightmare when I suspected Alex was gay. Imagine my surprise when I found out for sure, and if it's not exactly okay, it's not the end of the world either. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get into all of that. You're an easy man to talk to." Frank got to his feet, ready to go. He wasn't sure what possessed him to open up to Jared that way, but it made Alex's attraction to the young man easier to understand. Jared blushed and took refuge behind his hair once more as he got up. Despite his embarrassment he met Frank's eyes again, obviously unwilling to let the chance to find out about Alex pass him by.

  "He's okay?"

  "Alex is fine. They don't have cell phones or free computer access, but letter writing is encouraged. I'm sure you'll hear from him as soon as he has time. Tell me, was it your idea for him to shave his head?" Frank was amused and Jared's face heated again.

  "Well, yes and no. I did suggest that he should find a way to show he was cooperating under duress. I didn't have anything specific in mind when I said it. I wanted to give him something else to think about. I'm sorry about that."

  Frank roared with laughter. "It was an excellent protest. His mother is still in bed with vapors. I tried to tell her that hair grows back. It may have helped, but then the tattoo sent her over the edge. It's why I'm here."

  Jared frowned. "Because I sent your wife over the edge?"

  "No, that's not very difficult, to be honest. I came because of Kanji, that's what Alex told me his tattoo is. He said that it means dignity, pride, and self-respect." Frank watched Jared closely and didn't miss the flash of pride that lit the young man's blue eyes. "Alex chose to have that permanently inked into his skin, but before he did, someone took time to etch it into his heart. Thank you for being that person, Jared."

  Snail Mail

  Alex shuffled through the envelopes, dropping first the one for his mom and then Clark’s into the mail box. He studied the one to his dad for a long moment before sucking in a breath and sending it down the chute after the others. The sight of Jared's name on the last one brought to mind all Alex’s favorite memories. The way Jared smelled, the sound of his voice, and Alex’s most treasured memory, that single searing kiss. He knew it didn’t really count. Alex longed for a real kiss from Jared. One they both wanted, but that brief, heated moment was all Alex had and he held it close to his heart. With a start Alex realized he stood in the middle of the sidewalk staring at the envelope. With a shake of his head, Alex pressed a kiss to the seal, dropped the letter into the box and headed for class.

  * * * *

  Alex's mother stopped for the mail before she turned into the driveway. She flipped through the bills and fliers half-heartedly, facing another long afternoon alone. Even before Frank had sent Alex away, her son hadn't been home a lot. He was usually off with Clark hanging out at the college and getting into heaven knew what, but there was a big difference between not a lot and never. If it wasn't for her mule-headed husband, Alex would still be home with a head full of curls and that horrid tattoo wouldn't exist. She didn't ask for a lot, but she wanted her baby to come home.

  At the bottom of the stack of junk mail was a plain white envelope that she almost tossed aside with the rest, but the handwriting caught her attention. It was addressed to her, Janet Ross, and in the corner, was Alex's name. Janet squealed and clapped her hands like a teenager. She opened the letter while sitting in the car beside the open mailbox.

  Dear Mom,

  I know you are worried, please
try to stop. It's not bad here. I like my classes. Dad was right. They are a lot harder, no more skating through for me. I have to pay attention and do my homework. I feel like I'm learning stuff, and I guess that's good, right? I have a roommate and I think you'd like him. His name is Mike. He wants to be a lawyer. It kind of sucks for me though because he wins all the arguments.

  My hair is growing back. I know you'll be glad to know that. If I wear a collared shirt after my hair's grown out no one will ever guess I have a tattoo. That will make you happiest of all. I don't like upsetting you, Mom, and I'm sorry I did. I'm going to do well at school and make you proud of me again. I can't wait to come back and eat some home cooking. The dining hall is okay but it's not home. I love you, Mom, and I'll get to call next week.

  Your son,

  Alex

  Tears in her eyes, Janet clutched the brief letter to her heart. It was a balm to her spirit knowing Alex was okay and he didn't completely hate it there. It sounded like a nice school, maybe he'd meet a girl. Smiling at the thought, she parked in the driveway and left her bags in the car to go inside and read the letter again.

  * * * *

  Frank stared at the stark white envelope lying on his black desk blotter. Though he knew Alex would write, he didn't expect to get a letter from him at work. Anticipating a chatty 'Dear Mom and Dad' letter that reflected the surface of his life and revealed nothing of substance, he didn't know what to expect from the missive on his desk. He picked up the letter and slit the top with his opener. Inside was a single crisp page covered with Alex's familiar left-handed scrawl.