Beyond Chance

by Karice Bolton

  But my heart fell when my gaze managed to stumble upon one figure in particular. I knew it was Aaron. I’d recognize that body anywhere. I didn’t need to see his face to know it was him, and I didn’t need to see Elizabeth’s either. I watched Aaron take a sip of a cappuccino as he stared at Elizabeth. She was sitting across from him, leaning over the table as her lips moved incessantly.

  I wanted to spin around and run away. I finally understood the comfort that seemed to bring to Aaron and Gabby, but I had nowhere to go. I couldn’t open the door to get back inside. I’d just be running through a city that didn’t seem to want me.

  Aaron set his cup down and continued to stare at Elizabeth. He didn’t say a word. He listened, and my heart twisted in knots as I thought about the chance he was giving her to explain her side of things; yet with me, he fled.

  And he fled to her.

  The last thought that pumped from my mind to my heart about did me in. I so desperately wanted to be anywhere but here. I begged for the cracks on the sidewalk to open up and swallow me before I burst into tears again. I certainly couldn’t do that in front of her. I wouldn’t give her that satisfaction.

  Or him for that matter.

  With that last thought, I spun on my heels and ran right into the server who had a tray full of cappuccinos. His quick movement wasn’t quick enough as one of the mugs slid off the tray and crashed onto the concrete below. I gasped and glanced over my shoulder as Aaron stood up and Elizabeth grimaced from her seat.

  “Excusez-moi, Mademoiselle.” I turned my attention back to the server, who was now apologizing profusely even though the fiasco had been my fault. I shook my head and uttered a feeble apology in French and walked around the mess as another server came to help pick up the heap of espresso, foam and ceramic.

  I quickly rounded the bend, when I felt Aaron’s fingers grasp hold of my arm and pull me to a stop. Even his touch had the power to break me, and all I wanted was to shrink into the pavement.

  “Brandy,” Aaron’s voice was completely calm and collected, yet I felt like the moment I opened my mouth, I’d break down. How was he able to shut things off so easily?

  I kept my gaze on the sidewalk as he stepped in front of me. He tilted my chin up to meet his gaze, and all I could give him was an exasperated sigh of defeat. Resentment was beating its way into my mind as I stared at the man who I loved more than anything in this world.

  “Don’t you need to go back to Elizabeth?” The moment I uttered the words, I hated myself for it. I wasn’t that petty person, yet he reduced me to a sniveling muddle of emotions while he stood strong without a stitch of regret.

  “It’s not like that,” he murmured.

  “Of course it’s not.” I glared at him, but my trembling lips gave away the true state of my emotions. “Nothing ever is, right?”

  Aaron let go of my arm, and I stepped back, relieved that this section of the patio was clear of diners.

  “Would you mind letting me know what the code is to the apartment? Now that I’ve found you, I don’t know what to do with you… so I’d just like to go back upstairs and pack.”

  Aaron let out a sigh and ran his fingers along the stubble on his chin. “I messed up.”

  “Sherlock would be proud.” I stared at him and saw a slight twitch of his mouth, which only infuriated me more. “The code. Do you mind?”

  “I do mind. We need to talk, and I think we should find a neutral place to discuss things.”

  “Neutral?” I asked, narrowing my eyes at him.

  “Yes. Neutral.”

  “This isn’t really anything I want to go over in public. I’m wrapped in knots inside. There is no end to my confusion. My mind’s a mess, and there’s no undoing it unless you explain what I saw online. I need to know why you wouldn’t tell me something so important… so life altering…” I stopped myself from saying something I would regret. “It makes me feel like you don’t think I’m worth opening up to and doing this all over a cappuccino isn’t my idea of getting to the heart of the matter. Maybe it works with Elizabeth, but it doesn’t work with me.”

  His jaw tensed, and he looked over at the door to our building. “I deserve that.”

  “You deserve more than that.”

  Ignoring my comments, he reached for my hand and cupped it in his. “Let me take you somewhere that’s secluded. I’ll answer any questions you have, and I’ll tell you everything. I don’t want us to discuss this where we plan on spending the rest of our time while in Paris. The apartment isn’t big enough.”

  I let out a sigh and avoided his gaze. “Who’s to say I’ll be staying.”

  “Only you, but I beg you to hear me out…” his voice trailed off and the coolness I’d detected earlier was long gone. “Look at me, Brandy. Please.”

  My heart and mind were racked with chaos as I slowly brought my gaze to his. Deep pain plagued his expression, and I wanted nothing more than to forgive him and move on, but I was smart enough to know if we didn’t deal with these things now, they would forever haunt our future. And I wasn’t prepared to donate what time I had left on earth living as a tortured soul, waiting for the next big revelation to surface.

  He squeezed my hand, and I nodded slowly. “Don’t you need to let Elizabeth know you’re not returning?”

  “Believe me. She knows.” His gaze hardened, but he didn’t say anymore as we began walking down the sidewalk. With every step, my heart frayed a little more knowing that our lives would never be the same.

  I had no idea where we were in the city, but he led me through a wrought iron gate that had a matching fence encircling a meticulously maintained garden. Scarlet and purple flowers dripped from the beds, spilling onto a gravel path that led to a row of empty benches. Tall laurels provided a wall of privacy from the bustling street. It felt like we’d been sucked into a hidden world miles away from everything and everyone, but the same problems still existed.

  On the way, and despite my protests, Aaron bought sliced meat and rolls. Placing the bag on the bench, he motioned for me to take a seat. If we weren’t about to embark on something so serious, I would’ve enjoyed wandering through the garden, but all I cared about was getting answers.

  He took out a bottle of water and offered it to me. I gladly accepted, twisted off the cap and began sipping it while he sat quietly next to me. There was a stubborn silence as if neither of us wanted to break the barrier that would begin the barrage of questions and answers. My mind was ready, but I wasn’t sure my heart was prepared.

  “So I’m guessing you looked at the links this time.” His gaze fastened on mine, and my voice wouldn’t come. I nodded in response and tucked a leg under my body, turning toward him. Our bodies were close but not touching. I needed it to be that way so I wouldn’t dissolve into him.

  He took a sip of water and looked at the gravel beneath his feet. “I don’t know where to begin.”

  “How about we start at the beginning,” I said, after a few seconds of silence. “When you took on your biological father’s name. Let’s start there.”

  He sucked on his lip and a flash of his tongue piercing glistened. I couldn’t help but smile at the distractions this man always seemed to deliver. He was full of contradictions and surprises. Often one led to the other, but it was the unknowns in between that worried me. I glanced across the path at a white rose and slowly slid my hand to his knee.

  Aaron let out a deep breath and scratched his chin. “Well, you already know that I was in the Marines, alongside Jason. I changed my name before joining. It was foolish, but things always happen for a reason, I suppose. I was thankful I had Sullivan to go back to.”

  I nodded, and my body began to relax as our eyes connected.

  “Jason and I wanted more out of our time in the service. So when we returned from our first tour, we put our sights on the Special Forces unit. It was a grueling process and both of us wondered what the hell we’d signed ourselves up for once we started. Soldiers began dropping out on the very fir
st day of training, which only made me want it more. I wanted to prove that I could do it. That I was worthy of carrying out the most sensitive missions our country had to offer. It was what I clung to in order to get through the training. Every day I thought it couldn’t get worse and then it went downhill tenfold the next day. What they demanded of us was nothing less than perfection, and I needed to prove to someone somewhere that I was needed. That I had a place in the world.”

  My heart stung at his admission, yet I kept my gaze steady on his. I knew he wouldn’t want anything misconstrued as pity. What he didn’t realize was that all I had for him was admiration. The moment I read the articles online, I was in awe. I didn’t understand why he wouldn’t tell me. Why he wouldn’t share such a huge part of his life with me.

  “I became part of the 1st MSOB division…” He saw the look of bewilderment on my face and backed up. “Sorry. It stands for Marine Special Operations Battalion. It falls under another alphabet game, MSOC. Marine Special Operations Companies.”

  I wanted to ask if that was before or after Elizabeth, but I kept my mouth shut.

  “I was really proud of my accomplishment, but I had no one to share it with. No family to tell. Unless you count Jason.” He grinned, and the tension between us continued to dissipate. I was finally beginning to see the side he’d hidden for so long.

  “He’d probably be offended if you didn’t.” I smiled, and we both knew it was true.

  “A week before Jason and I were scheduled for our first tour, I met Elizabeth. We met at a bar. She was with some friends. It turned out she was headed to Afghanistan as well. I never saw her as anything more than platonic. I thought we were on the same page.”

  I tried to swallow discreetly, even though it felt like I was trying to push a boulder down my throat. I hadn’t expected Elizabeth to factor into his story so quickly. I started to feel a little lightheaded and realized the brioche from earlier wasn’t cutting it. I pointed at the bag and Aaron smiled.

  “I told you I knew what I was talking about. This kind of discussion requires sustenance.” He pulled out a napkin and placed a roll and a couple slices of meat on it.

  I ripped into the roll and put the meat inside. For some odd reason, it provided the distraction I needed as he continued.

  “When we were in Afghanistan absolutely nothing happened between us.”

  I cringed knowing that meant at some point something may have.

  “She was persistent, and I’m sure I gave her the wrong signals.” He took a sip of water. “When we returned from Afghanistan, Jason and I needed to concentrate on MSOC. Jason liked to joke that I wanted to join purely to avoid dealing with Elizabeth.”

  My heart stumbled at the pattern of avoidance that never seemed to stop.

  “Was it?”

  He shook his head and then contradicted his gesture. “Well, maybe. Anyway, she got transferred to another base, and I assumed that would be where the friendship ended. We never had a date, let alone a relationship of any kind. When Jason and I made it through training and into MSOB, I never gave her another thought. I thought the friendship had run its course.”

  I slowly chewed my sandwich and braced myself for whatever might be coming next. He wasn’t in the military all that long and so far, he’d relayed events that covered quite a bit of time.

  “I know I sounded like a dick last night and today. I don’t take being in love lightly or being engaged. I just figured I’d have time to tell you everything before it got twisted, but I was wrong. I left that part of my life behind for a reason, and I honestly never had any intention of bringing it up again. It’s nothing I’m proud of.”

  I knew what I saw online, and his sentiments toward the entire situation made no sense.

  “I don’t understand.” I scooted closer and touched his hand. “Your actions saved countless lives. How can you not be proud of that?”

  Scathing laughter cut through me as he shook his head. “Our military is the most powerful organization on the planet. They’ll make even the most deplorable of situations seem okay.”

  I refused to take his simplified answer. “Are you telling me you didn’t save those people I read about?”

  “No. I’m not telling you that, but I’m also willing to tell you that I was responsible for twice as many deaths.”

  A prickle of apprehension ran across my flesh as my mind tried to comprehend what he was trying to tell me.

  “But you were in war. We are in war,” I offered.

  He nodded. “Doesn’t make it any easier.”

  Part of me wanted to know the details, and the other knew not to ask. My father had always told me never to ask a soldier questions I didn’t want answers to. I learned that lesson the hard way when one of his vet friends, from the first Iraq war, sat in our living room at Christmas. I had asked him if he’d ever killed anyone. The question sent a shockwave through the living room, but it was nothing compared to his answer, which was that he’d happily killed more than one. Granted, I was only a child when I asked, but it was something I never should’ve brought up, and something I’d always regretted. It was rude on so many levels.

  Now I wanted to help carry that burden for the man I loved, but I knew it was too much for even our shoulders combined. Taking another life, no matter the reason, had to pierce one’s soul.

  “I’m so sorry,” I whispered.

  “Don’t be. I knew what I signed up for. I wanted to be in the most elite killing squad the world had, and that’s what I achieved. It would have been fine.” He nodded. “That was my job, but to get slapped with a hero status when I came back. I could reconcile being one or the other, not both…” his voice trailed off.

  And that was when I realized Aaron was a man full of contradictions because his life had been built with them. I took his hand in mine and squeezed it.

  “If you hadn’t done what you did, dozens of families would have been without their children, their parents. You said it yourself. What you did in Afghanistan was your job. You were fighting for our country. When you came back on our soil, you didn’t have to do what you did.”

  “It’s not that simple,” he said.

  I had read the countless articles explaining Aaron Thatcher’s heroics. A gunman had opened fire at a church in Massachusetts. According to the articles I read online, it was pure chance that Aaron had been at the church. He was visiting a friend in the area, and that was when it clicked. That friend had been Elizabeth.

  “You may not want to see yourself as a hero, but that’s exactly how I see you. How I’ve always seen you. Fighting for our country automatically put you in that category whether you like it or not. And I have to admit that no matter how much I love Gabby, I always connected with your side of it more. I knew there was more that you weren’t sharing.”

  He let out a deep breath.

  Our legs were touching, and I felt the strength in his grip as we silently looked at each other.

  “You did what you had to do,” I finally whispered. “And I won’t pretend like I know what that feels like.”

  “I wouldn’t want you to,” he replied. He pressed his lips together and leaned against the back of the bench.

  “So you were visiting Elizabeth?” I asked.

  He nodded. “She was training at Fort Devens, and I had some leave and always wanted to see that part of the country. She had continued to stay in touch, even though I really hadn’t, so I took her up on her offer to be my local tour guide. Jason warned against it, but none of us knew what would transpire. I’d already been in the New England area touring around for five days before I stopped in to see Elizabeth. I got into town on Thursday and by that Sunday, my life changed forever. We went to the early morning service. I really hadn’t wanted to spend my vacation at church, but I figured I had no choice. She’d been gracious enough to show me around. I picked her up late, but she refused to let that stop us from attending church. We’d gotten there about twenty minutes late, which was fine by me since we missed th
e singing. Anyway, we sat in the back, and I hadn’t really been paying attention to the sermon. I noticed a guy come in, and he seemed overly jumpy. He was wearing an overcoat that he never took off, and the place was really warm so he had to have been uncomfortable. The guy didn’t take a seat. He stood behind the back row across from us. Within minutes of him being there, I began to feel what I’d felt in Afghanistan right before I pulled the trigger, but I wasn’t the one behind the gun.”

  Aaron took another sip of water and then continued, “That’s when I realized that sensation was rolling off the man. He was about to open fire. I didn’t reach him in time. He wounded some folks before I was able to take him out with his own gun. He died before the medics got to the church. I wish I could tell you I had remorse, but I didn’t. I saw the look of pure hatred resting in his eyes. He had intended to kill as many innocent people as he could. I remember hearing the screams and cries from everyone in the church as the pastor ushered everyone through a door behind his podium, which led to a small chapel. I made Elizabeth follow them all as I stood there with the man’s blood pooled on the floor, dripping from the pews, and splattered against the wall. It was my worst nightmare, but I was in my own country.

  “Everything happened so fast, and it didn’t take long before the media arrived to film me coming out of the church. It was a madhouse and I couldn’t run from it. It followed me everywhere I went. Elizabeth had been by my side the entire time things unfolded, and people began referring to her as my girlfriend. That was the least of my worries so I never bothered correcting anyone. I didn’t realize the ramifications that would have. I didn’t understand how big the story was going to get. My life became a circus, and I wanted nothing to do with any of it. The press was making a big deal out of nothing.”

  I stared at him in awe.

  “The military really spun things to their benefit as well. I knew they needed to do that. Press about the military isn’t always the best,” he sighed.