She pulled back, not wishing to let them drift back to where they had been.
"Lincoln, I am here for you. I will listen to you, I will stand beside you at any public events you need me to - I will be here in almost any way that you need me to be."
Even though she had stopped talking, he knew there was another half to that sentence.
"But?"
Diana took a deep breath, finally understanding her own resolve.
"But you have so many things to work through. I can't … enable … you by just having sex with you when you need it. I need more than that."
He took a moment to hear and understand what she had said, and felt an overwhelming wave of sadness flow over him.
"It has never been about sex with you. That was never the basis of our relationship."
"I know," she agreed. "But right now you have to get your focus back, and you need to do that for yourself, and by yourself. You and I meeting now and then for sexual satisfaction, would only be a sticking plaster fix to something much deeper that needs to be sorted. When you called me last night, your voice told me that you do have things you need to work out - not with that girl, but within you. You have to get it sorted, Lincoln, because if you don't, I meant what I said - you will end up being arrested. Please don't let that happen."
He nodded at her.
"I know. I have already accepted that I have to move on and forget about her…"
"Have you?"
She saw him look deeply at her, and for a moment wanted so much to believe what he was saying.
"Yes! I have been lucky that my … consumption … of thoughts about her hasn't lost me the company, with the level of obsession I have been feeling. I do know that I need to move on, Diana. And I can do that."
"Then I hope you are right. Because regardless of this whole mess, I do love you, and I don't have any regrets about the life we have had together."
He listened and was suddenly horrified at the tone of her voice.
"You talk as if we are … over … forever."
"I have to get on with my life too, Lincoln. I am still young enough to start over. I can update my architecture qualification and I can still go out and find work…"
"I would not stop you from doing that…"
"You would not intend to stop me from doing that … I believe that … but being your wife would prevent it. You know it is true."
"What do you want to happen with us then?" he asked, and she could hear strong emotion in his voice as he pulled back from her completely. When he did not hear any reply, he ventured to the question that he had not wanted to ask.
"Do you want a divorce?"
Diana had not considered how that question would actually sound, if it were voiced. There was something just so final about it. So much so that she did not want to answer right then.
"I want you to get back to being you, Lincoln. And if that happens - once that happens - if you want to make a go of our marriage again … if you are willing then to put the effort in and work with me to get past all of this, then maybe we don't need a divorce. I am not suggesting it right now. But of course it is a possibility - Lincoln, you were unfaithful to me. Right now I can see past that because I am worried about you. But this worry that I have - even if you get yourself sorted and you come back to who you always were before - it won't change the fact that you stepped outside of our marriage."
She saw another burst of tears attempt to erupt in his eyes then, and the sight resulted in the same happening to her.
"Alright. But what about right now?" he asked her, just needing one small piece of confirmation from her that she wasn't going to completely turn away from him.
He heard a long sigh escape from her lips before she spoke.
"I am here. What do you need from me?"
"Please stay."
She weighed up the request and knew he hadn't fully heard - or understood - that she had said she didn't want to just be here for him when he wanted sex. But at the same time she was here with him, and she had enjoyed the last time they were together. He had slightly opened a box that had been held tightly shut for a very long time, and she was curious about that. Yes it would be to satisfy him, but she would make sure it was to satisfy her also.
"Yes, I will stay with you tonight, if you wish."
Lincoln heard the words and vowed to himself that he would make sure he treated her the way he needed to, to make her stay for much longer than that one night.
He kissed her deeply and then let that slowly progress to a passionate kiss, not rushing for more. He wanted her to melt and want him, at a degree that she had never wanted him before.
Diana felt the kiss and let herself turn off her mind. She wanted to feel what other people felt when they had sex. To her it had never been a bad thing, but from the last time she had been here, she had gained a slight understanding of how it could be more than what she had shared with her husband through all of these years together.
Lincoln indulged in her mouth for a long time. He was heavily aroused, and knew from the change in her breathing that she was warming up to him as well. It drove him forward in his efforts, determined to not lose focus on who he was with.
She watched his face as he pulled away from the kiss and looked at her breasts, lifting one hand and touching one nipple so lightly through the thin fabric of her dress. He sat like that for a long time, just focused on using that one finger on that one nipple, stroking lightly, up and down, and she felt it start to affect her, making her heart beat faster and more deeply. When he had done that for several minutes he changed breasts, making the second one as pronounced as the first one now was. He was in no hurry - he just wanted to make sure that she was heavily aroused. He felt like he was desperate for that.
He looked at her face and saw that her eyes had changed, before he resumed kissing her again, now doing so while both of his hands ever so lightly moved over both of her nipples.
Diana felt new sensations as she focused on the feeling of his hands on her breasts, stroking through the fabric. His lips left hers and trailed down to her neck line, and she felt his tongue caressing her skin in small circles, like it was lightly dancing on the surface of her body.
She felt him slowly slide down her dress straps, and when she watched his face she saw his hunger as his eyes watched the fabric drift down, so it was resting on her lap, leaving her chest bare. It was a kind of partial nakedness that she was not used to, and it was her first instinct to lift her arms and cover herself. Even though they had been married for so long, the living area had never been a place they had made love in, and she felt particularly vulnerable.
Lincoln saw the movement and looked into her eyes, kissing her to relax her while his hands resumed their delivery of pleasure, gently nudging her arms out of the way, before he lowered his head and used his tongue to enjoy the taste and feel of her nipples. He loved her body - he had always loved her body. She treated it like a temple, as he did his own, and she had a toned and well balanced sense of proportion due to the high level of physical fitness she indulged in. To him she had always seemed like a beautiful, pale panther, with the level of grace and litheness about her.
Diana automatically lifted her hands into his hair and caressed his scalp as she indulged in the new feeling occurring in her. Although he wasn't touching her 'down below' she could feel that part of her throbbing, like it was alive and awake. All of these feelings were so new for her. Why hadn't they enjoyed time like this together before? Why had it taken a third person to jump into their marriage, before he would persist in forcing her to accept his pleasuring?
Lincoln couldn't hold back any longer from where he wanted to be. He pulled his kiss away from her breasts and returned to her lips, all the while gently sliding up the skirt of her dress. He pulled away from her, knelt on the floor and reached up, holding eye contact with her as he guided her to lift her hips so he could remove her underwear. On her face he could see a deep blush, but she did as he indicated and l
et him pull them down and remove them completely. From where he knelt he looked at her and enjoyed the sight - her dress was now bunched around her waist and she was bare breasted, and bare on her lower half also. He could not remember ever seeing his wife like that, and it was an exquisite sight for him to see.
He kissed her on the mouth once more while gently pushing her knees apart, and letting one finger gently caress her clitoris. He was in no rush, even though he was stretched tightly inside of his trousers. He kept having brief revisits in his mind to her indicating that their marriage might be over, and he was not ready for that yet. He just had to focus on her and make her see how much she really did mean to him.
Diana focused on the feeling. It was still so new to her, but she had the same determination as he did, to try and make the effort. He was her husband and he wanted to pleasure her. She couldn't even remember why she had stopped him from doing that so many times in their early years. Why it had always felt uncomfortable for her.
He could feel moisture forming on her, and he revelled in that realisation. So much so that without even thinking, he had pulled back and knelt lower to start lapping at her with his tongue. When he heard her moan, he almost climaxed, it was such a joyous sound to hear from her. He persisted and eventually felt and heard her reach orgasm. Two times in a row they had been together now, and she had reached orgasm. For the first times in their twenty year marriage.
Diana concentrated on the feeling of her muscles contracting all around her body. She was in her forties, but she was new to orgasms. She found them strange sensations but she could be more accepting of them, she knew. She looked at the man in front of her - saw the look on his face - and sat forward to kiss him. It was a bold move for her, but he had finally woken something up inside of her, and she only wanted to keep moving forward. She heard him groan deeply at her kissing him, and she pulled at his t-shirt to indicate her desire for him to be without it. Instead of just taking it off, she saw him stand up and undress completely, making her see at eye level exactly how aroused he was.
Lincoln was desiring then to feel her mouth on him - something she had never done - but would not put his desires ahead of her wishes then. Instead he knelt down again, and moved forward. She sensed his movement even though they had never had sex in this position before, and she felt him ease into her slowly.
It was different from the position they had always used. She felt so … open to him. Exposed. But it felt good too. It was long overdue. They should have been doing this before he found someone else, she heard her mind quietly whisper to her in her head.
He started off slowly, letting both of them get used to the feeling. Even for him it was new as he had never been in that position with her. But he then let himself go, moving with an increasing pace, while periodically leaning forward and kissing his wife's lips and looking into her eyes to ensure he was not in any way making her uncomfortable.
Finally she felt and heard him climax and saw him crumple slightly with the feeling. It was an odd thing for her to see, given that every other time she'd had sex with him, they had been lying on a bed with him on top of her. Despite having been together for almost all of their adult lives so far, they had never ever before tried a different position … until now.
Lincoln looked at her when he had recovered, and pulled her closer to him so he could kiss her deeply. This was a new Diana, letting him move into her in a different location, a different way. Right in this moment it was easy for him to see them back together, moving forward on this track - trying new things sexually.
But she was not thinking about moving forward with him. Yes, she was enjoying this. Yes, she was in wonder that they had found this pleasure together after so many years of not doing so. But she was not thinking about moving forward with him still in her life.
~~~~~
Diana woke the next morning expecting to again be alone. When they had gone to bed the night before she had expected him to get up and go to work early, as he had done the last time she had stayed.
They had made love again before going to sleep - that time in their bed - and she had again flowed with it and not tried to stop it. She had enjoyed their evening together. She found it was a strange place to be - finding sexual pleasure and satisfaction at the very end of a twenty year relationship.
She turned her head slowly, thinking about what she would get on with today, and was surprised to see him not only still in bed, but wide awake and looking intently at her.
"Good morning," he said, surprising her further, as even throughout their long marriage he had rarely been in bed when she woke late.
For a long while Lincoln saw her just look at him, without saying anything. He had been looking at her for over an hour, his head working overtime in trying to figure out what he was supposed to do in his marriage. Should he fight for it? Should he fight for her?
He had never been certain of what she was thinking, he suddenly realised. No matter how long they had been together or how much their lives had become entwined, he had never taken enough time to focus on her.
"Good morning," Diana responded, feeling the strangeness of the situation. All of a sudden it felt like they were strangers who had just met in a bar and gone home drunk together, and now were waking up and realising what they had done.
He moved closer to her and she felt his arm move around her body before he leaned in and kissed her softly. She let him, but suddenly she felt a sense of suffocation coming on inside of her. It made her question what she wanted to happen between them.
"Will you shower with me?" he asked, surprising her, but she nodded.
~~~~~
She felt shy, entering the water with him, but she felt in her heart that she would walk out of the apartment today and she would not be back, so she would enjoy this morning with him if that was what he wanted.
Once under the water he was incredibly gentle with her. Even though she could see that he was highly aroused, he took his time, lathering up her body and rinsing her off, and when he was done she automatically repeated the process on his body, finding she enjoyed being able to touch him like that, all over, not just 'there'. The feeling of his arms, legs, back … the tightness of his muscles and the smoothness of his skin. It all saddened her a little bit more in the fact that she had never really known her husband. So many things could have been different.
~~~~~
After their shower they went out for breakfast, at Lincoln's suggestion to do so. He was tentative to let her go - to let her out of his sight. Perhaps due to knowing in his heart that he had lost her so was only delaying the inevitable.
"Lincoln, please get yourself together," she said to him when they had finished eating their meals.
He looked at her as she put her arm out and placed her hand on his. Looking down at her hand sitting there resulted in him turning his hand so that he could hold hers firmly, interlacing his fingers with hers.
"Please don't walk away," he said to her and the tone of his voice affected her greatly. "We can work together and we can make our marriage even stronger."
"I know. Perhaps we can. But first you need to get yourself sorted. Get your focus back on the business, and on your charity work … get your head in the right space."
"And you?"
He saw her smile sadly at him, not moving to remove her hand from his.
"I want to take some time to figure out where I need to be too. I want some time on my own while you are getting yourself together, and then we can see where we are at after that, if you still want to work on us."
Lincoln nodded sadly and pulled away, ready to get on with overdue work in his office.
"Where can I walk you to?" he asked her as he stood to leave.
"I will stay here a little longer, Lincoln," she said as she stood up.
He looked at her and saw her move toward him, pulling him into a loving embrace that was very rare for them to do in public. She was in no hurry to let him go, and they both enjoyed the moment before he
finally smiled at her and walked off.
Diana sat down and let herself just take a deep breath and let him go - let him leave her life.
She sat there for some time and then through a haze of thoughts, realised someone was calling out to her.
"Diana?"
She looked up and was surprised to see before her a face that she thought could be of an old friend from her university days.
"David?" she asked tentatively and when he smiled and laughed at her, she knew it was him, even though twenty years had passed.
She stood up and he hugged her lightly and kissed her on the cheek, and with the motion of her hand she invited him to sit down with her.
"I saw you earlier but you looked like you were in a serious conversation so I didn't want to intrude. Was that Lincoln that you were with?"
"Yes it was. But how are you? What have you been doing all these years?" she asked, wishing more than anything right then to just side swipe any questions involving her husband.
They talked for a long time as two old friends who had not seen each other for half of their life, and when they left the restaurant he hugged her tight.
"Oh it has been so good seeing you again. I am going to give you my number," he said, pulling out a card and giving it to her. "I hope you will call me and I can see you again, Diana."
And with that Diana was left alone, oblivious to the size of the smile that was on her face.
6 ~ THE TASTE FOR IT
For the following month, Lincoln worked hard to get his focus back on the right things. Lexi was pushed from his mind - he had screwed up and she had moved on. He couldn't keep kidding himself forever that things were going to change there. So his company reaped the benefits from the newfound energy he used to start reprioritising once more.
During the month he did not see or hear from Diana, choosing to respect her wishes also - her wish to have time away from him. But he found himself yearning for company sometimes, and had to stop himself from picking up the phone to call her.
Darkness of Heart (Painful Deliverance Book 2) Page 10