Darkness of Heart (Painful Deliverance Book 2)
Page 16
Inside my body has been growing something different in my hormones. I have not seen a doctor about it because the feelings I have - an awakening in me - I don't really know that I want to go away. In some ways, yes - my days seem to be spent daydreaming of long, sensual afternoons with a skilled lover, pushing me over the edge in my sexuality - but in some ways no - I actually enjoy the physical feeling of being turned on. I have to be open and admit that - my body feels like I am on heat all the time, and I enjoy that feeling very much.
But what do I do about it? My husband is here, and I know that if I initiate sex he will light up like the lights on a Christmas tree - even in this he is always eager to please and will drop what he is doing for an opportunity to get naked with me. I am not a neglected woman. And yet, somehow knowing that to him I am desirable and sexy, does not fulfil me. It isn't his sexual maneuvers that are lacking - but what I find myself thinking about is that I know his lips, his hands and every other part of his body too well. There is no longer any anticipation or surprise. And that is what I find myself daydreaming about - getting to know a new body, new lips, new hands … going back to that anticipation of wondering how someone will kiss me and touch me.
It is such a selfish thought, the idea of taking a lover, but it plays on my mind as a distinct possibility. Then I look in the mirror and I see how overweight I have let myself become and I start to feel ugly and fat, and wonder what I am thinking because it cannot be that any man other than my husband could look at this vessel I have become, and find it in any way attractive. I am 5ft 3in short and I am now past the 200lb mark on the scales. This is the heaviest I have ever been in my life - since sitting down when I first became pregnant, somewhere along the way I forgot to stand up again and keep focusing on my health, and I feel like I am now a blob. I see no good in the mirror - a double chin, 'back fat' and 'spare tyre'. I am ashamed to have let myself get here, not even just because of how I look, so much as how I've played roulette with my health.
So far my health has not suffered too much - regular medical checkups have kept reporting to me that I am okay. But I am not - I cannot be - and this makes me saddest of all. I was 15 years old when my own mother died and I have been telling myself I am determined to not leave my own offspring so soon. Just words, they are - I have not lived up to them.
So here I am, assessing my life, and wondering what to do to turn a few things around - in particular my thinking and view on things. And from this assessment I have made the decision that I am going to use one year of my life to put in the hard yards. Over the next 365 days I am going to do what it takes to go through a transformation - to become a sex goddess. Yes, you heard correctly. One year to change my body, change my thinking, and if need be, change my situation. My first commitment to be tested will be me getting up earlier every morning, before everyone else gets up, to simply take time to consider my experiences, my successes and my failures. Come with me on my journey.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Ann M Pratley has a great passion for writing and words, and enjoys writing fiction where the characters take on a life of their own through the writing process.
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