But she’d said “I deserve” and no one knew better than me how much she deserved, or how she deserved more than me. The least I could do was answer her questions.
“I mean, you know my deep dark secret,” she continued. I could only assume she meant the failing thing since she’d never murdered anyone or buried a body, as far as I knew. But it did make me think—there were some things I was curious about when it came to Juliette.
“If I answer your questions, do I get to ask questions of my own?”
She rolled her eyes. “Of course, but I’m an open book so I doubt you’ll figure out anything you don’t already know.” She held her hands up, palms out. “No secrets here.”
“Except for that deep dark secret,” I reminded her.
She grinned. “Exactly. But you already know that I’m an idi—” She stopped short at my disapproving glare. With a roll of her eyes, she amended it, “That I’m different.”
I hated when she put herself down like that, especially since it wasn’t true. She was smart in so many ways it put the rest of the students to shame. She was just unique. Special.
And she was my girlfriend.
That sounded way too good to be true, even in my head.
“So you’ll do it then? You’ll give me honest answers for every question I get right?”
I wanted to say no, but it would be no use. I couldn’t avoid a conversation about us any longer. At some point I’d have to man up and make a decision. What were we and how to break it to Juliette that I wasn’t long-term boyfriend potential. Hell, if she had any common sense, she’d see right off the bat that I wasn’t boyfriend potential, period. Long term or short. I consented with a nod and was torn between amusement and frustration as she turned to her quiz with a gleeful little clap of her hands.
This girl wanted to get to know me. Selfishly that was such a good feeling it was hard to remember why this was a bad idea. But it was…wasn’t it?
Hell, life had been so much less complicated before she asked me to be her tutor.
Minutes ticked by and then finally she lifted her head up and handed me the paper, biting her lip as she did.
I held back a groan at the sight. One would think it might be easier to deal with temptation now that I’d had a taste of Juliette and her kisses.
One would be wrong. Dead wrong.
Now that I knew how amazing it was to kiss those lips, my fixation with them had only grown worse. Even now I was staring at them as I took the paper out of her hands. That’s how I knew that she stopped breathing. Just for a moment, but long enough for me to know that she felt it too.
This tension between us, the connection—it was impossible to ignore.
We were so screwed. This couldn’t end well. We were too different and wanted such different things. I’d watched enough of my mom’s failed relationships to know that while “opposites attract” was a lovely romantic notion in the movies, it didn’t equate to real life. When the movie couple rides off into the sunset is precisely when real life sets in.
They may have disappeared over the horizon but you’d better believe they were out there bickering about where to live and what kind of car to buy.
With that cheery thought, I turned my attention away from her tantalizing lips and back to the paper in my hands. The first answer was wrong. So was the second answer. It was rapidly becoming clear that Juliette and I would need to conquer the Civil War together.
The third answer was right. When I put a check next to it, she gave a little cheer. “Okay, first question.”
I straightened with a sigh. What the hell had I gotten myself into? “Okay, shoot.”
“Why don’t you date?”
She asked it so quickly I found myself blinking at her stupidly. A million pat answers came to me instantly, ones that would avoid the heart of the issue, skim right over it. But that would just be delaying the inevitable. “Because I don’t intend to stick around for long.”
Now it was her turn to blink rapidly, her eyes widening in surprise. “Um…what?”
When I didn’t answer immediately, she scrunched up her nose in confusion. “What, do you mean you’re on the run or something? Because that sounded super dramatic.”
How did she do it? How did she make me want to laugh even when I was telling her the sad truth of the matter?
“I’m not going for melodramatic,” I said, forcing my face and my tone to remain even. This was serious, dammit. I was serious. “I mean it.”
She shifted and said what she’s said to me dozens of times when I tell her a fact she doesn’t quite understand. “Explain.”
I explained. I told her how my family had a tendency to move around a lot and how, even if we didn’t leave anytime soon, I still planned to get out of this town as soon as I graduated.
She stared at me for a while and I let her. I knew how she worked and she needed to process. “And that’s why you don’t date,” she finally said. “Because you’re leaving town…two years from now?”
It sounded stupid when she said it like that. But she didn’t understand.
“I think I get it,” she said.
Or maybe she did understand.
She pulled her legs up underneath her so she was tucked into herself. “You’ve said too many goodbyes.”
My lips twisted up in a rueful smile. Leave it to Juliette to not only understand, but phrase it in the perfect way. Anyone who thought this girl was dumb was a moron. “Yeah, I guess that’s it.” I shifted, shoving my hands into my pockets to keep from reaching out to her. “I just don’t know if I can be all in, and you deserve that.”
“So that’s why you don’t have friends,” she said, ignoring that last part, it seemed.
I nodded.
“Or a girlfriend.”
“Until now,” I said. I didn’t even mean to say it. I was trying to let her decide for herself if she wanted to be with someone like me, knowing that I could leave. Knowing that I’d never be involved with the school and its students like she was. Knowing that I wouldn’t be involved in a relationship like she was. I just wasn’t capable of it. Not now at least, but maybe someday.
“Am I your girlfriend?” she asked. “Because it sort of sounds like you’re trying to warn me off.”
I sucked in a long, deep breath. When would I learn that this girl would never avoid calling me out on the truth. She saw straight through my bull. I tried to figure out what to say to that. I finally went with the truth—she wouldn’t settle for anything less. “Maybe I am.”
She frowned and wrapped her arms around her legs. “So, let me get this straight. You like me.”
I nodded. That was an understatement but it was the truth.
“You want to be with me,” she said slowly, a hint of question in her voice.
“I do.” I was a selfish ass, there was no way around it. I shouldn’t have her, but I wanted her. The way I saw it, the least I could do was make sure she went into this with her eyes open…if she decided to get into this at all.
She continued as if I hadn’t spoken. “But you can’t commit to being all in and you’re giving me an out.” She summed it up neatly, no emotion in her voice. She arched her brows. “Am I getting that right?”
I nodded.
She sighed. “That’s messed up.”
Her low drawl imitation of me. I’d said the same thing to her on the phone that first time we’d talked—really talked, I mean. “I guess it is.”
The silence between us stretched and grew thick with tension. Finally, she shifted, dropping her feet to the floor and straightening in the seat. “I think I need to think about this, if that’s okay with you.”
I nodded. “Of course.” God, I wanted to say something else. Anything else. I wanted to get rid of that sadness in her eyes, and the confusion. I wanted to tell her I didn’t mean it, not any of it. But that would be a lie, and I might be a loner and “emotionally isolated,” as Mrs. Abney so nicely put it, but I wasn’t a liar.
She to
ok a deep breath and gave me a resolute smile. “Okay,” she said. “Your turn to ask a question.”
I studied her for a second—this girl who was so perfect in so many ways. Oh, not entirely perfect, but pretty damn close. “Why don’t you date? You could have your pick of boyfriend, you’ve got to know that.”
Her smile widened and she was breathtaking. “That’s easy. I’ve never met anyone I care enough about to make them a priority.” She looked down at her hands. “I’ve always had too much on my plate. I still do I guess but….”
She trailed off and I was kind of glad. She was killing me with her sweetness. It made my heart hurt, it made my whole body ache for her. I found myself saying what she hadn’t. I don’t know why, I guess I was a bit of a masochist. “But you’d make me a priority.” You care enough about me to put me first. The thought was humbling, to say the least. It left me feeling weak and speechless.
She nodded, but then she looked down at her hands again. “But it’s a two-way thing, right? I mean, I think maybe this won’t work if we’re not both…all in.” She used air quotes when she said “all in.” Then she looked up at me with a grimace. “Sorry I don’t know why I did that. I hate air quotes.”
I smiled even though my heart was aching. This was good, it was what I’d wanted. That’s what I told myself, at least. I’d wanted to be honest with her. I’d wanted to let her decide if what I could give her was enough.
She understood. She seemed to get it. And now she could back away before she got hurt.
The only problem was, it was already too late for me.
Chapter Nine
Juliette
The next day I waited for my teammates to arrive in the locker room with a heavy heart. I was dreading the showdown to come, which I’d managed to avoid all day at school. But my overall gloominess wasn’t so much about the awkward questions I would be facing, but about the fact that I didn’t know how to answer them. I was no closer to knowing what was going on between me and Connor than I had been yesterday before that epic kiss.
After our talk about what Connor could and could not do as a boyfriend, the rest of our night together was kind of anti-climactic. Nothing about that night had gone the way I’d expected. I guess Connor had a way of keeping me on my toes like that.
Still, I’d kind of thought when he’d dragged me off to his car that we’d be heading to his place to talk…or at least make out for a while. I would have been so down with making out.
Instead we’d talked about how he wanted to be with me, but not really. Not exactly an uplifting chat. And then I’d learned about the Civil War. Super sexy, I know.
Though I had to give credit where credit was due. Connor didn’t let our totally unsatisfactory conversation interfere with the tutoring. Once we started talking nineteenth century battles, it was game on for Connor. The guy was on fire. And I’ll tell you what, now that he’d cast every major historical figure as a Game of Thrones characters, I was kind of into it too. He’d somehow taken the textbook information and turned it into a captivating story that I now knew inside out.
He might suck as a pseudo-boyfriend, but he was a great teacher.
And maybe he wouldn’t suck as a boyfriend. He was a good guy who just happened to have some hangups about getting into an intimate relationship. There was every chance he’d come around once he got used to being in a couple.
But then again, maybe he wouldn’t.
Here’s the thing about me—just like I’d never been super boy crazy, I’d always swore I wouldn’t be one of those people who went into a relationship hoping the other person would change.
I mean, just look at Tina and Alex, Briarwood’s most notoriously fickle couple. It was almost impossible to stay on top of their current status. They were perpetually on-again-off-again, and God help anyone who got between them. They lived in this weirdly dramatic world where she always seemed pissed that he was flirting and he was annoyed that she was jealous. Or vice versa. I couldn’t keep their drama straight and neither could they.
But everyone knew Alex was a flirt. Just like everyone knew that Tina was crazy jealous. So the thing they hated about each other was something innate that they knew from day one. They could walk away at any time, but instead they lived in this toxic situation.
That wouldn’t be me. It couldn’t.
Connor was right on that front. I did deserve better.
So what was the problem? I liked him. That was the problem. Common sense said run, don’t walk, in the opposite direction. But my heart…well, my heart was truly an idiot. And quite possibly a masochist. My heart wanted to run to him right now and never let go.
And that’s why I was dreading my teammates’ arrival in the locker room, dreading the questions that were sure to come.
Are you guys together?
Big shrug.
Is it serious?
Dunno.
Do you like him?
Yes. That was the only question I could answer with any certainty, but what did it matter if he couldn’t give me the kind of commitment that I wanted?
But really, I think the thing that was killing me was that I didn’t believe him.
I mean, I did believe him that he wouldn’t be “all in,” or whatever. But I didn’t believe that he couldn’t be. He was choosing not to be. And that hurt. It stung. Because Connor might’ve had his faults but I never took him to be a coward.
The only other option was that he just didn’t care enough to take a chance on getting hurt.
Either way it stung—either he was a disappointment, and not the guy I’d thought he was, or he didn’t like me as much as I’d hoped.
I slammed my locker door shut with a satisfying clank just as my teammates started to pour in. I’d gotten to practice early since my last class was study hall. Sure, I needed to study more than anyone, but considering I had to make some sort of decision about Connor, preferably before I saw him at Gina’s practice later today, I figured I could give myself a little me-time to clear my head.
Aubrey approached first, handing over my duffel bag with a glare so poignant it was impossible to ignore. “Are you going to tell us what’s going on?”
I sighed. A big part of me wanted to tell her—tell all of them—that it was none of their business. But it kind of was. Oh, not the Connor part, but the rest of it.
As I faced my friends and teammates, I felt the weight of the world crushing me.
Maybe that was a bit melodramatic, but that’s how it felt. I’d been hiding the truth behind a smile for so long, that smile was starting to hurt. What a hypocrite I was to be judging Connor as a coward when I couldn’t even bring myself to tell the truth to my friends.
Partly to protect them, yes. But really…was that the only reason? Or did I just not want to admit that I wasn’t perfect. That I didn’t have it all together. That I might be a captain but I was no leader. How could I lead, how could others rely on me when I was barely keeping my life together?
The others weren’t even pretending they were doing anything but eavesdropping. My team—my girls—they were huddled around watching me and I swear to God I could feel their eyes. I could feel the responsibility, the pressure.
And I could feel myself starting to crack.
I slumped down onto one of the bench seats that lined the middle of the locker room. My sigh sounded weary, even to me. “I’m failing.”
I could feel their stares.
“What?” one girl asked from the other side of the room. Apparently I hadn’t spoken loudly enough for the eavesdroppers in the back.
“Failing…what?” Stephanie asked.
“You mean you failed by making out with the creepy loser?” Aubrey sounded like she was teasing, trying to cheer me up, maybe. She wasn’t a cruel girl; she just didn’t have a great sense of humor. Her attempts at joking usually made me cringe.
This was no exception. “Don’t call him that.”
“Wait, do you actually like him?” That was Stephanie again. I
recognized her voice even though I had my head down.
Oddly and for quite possibly the first time in my life, I had the urge to take a nap. I seriously think I could have fallen asleep on that bench with everyone hovering over me. I hadn’t slept much the night before since I’d basically relived our conversation over and over. And when I wasn’t reliving that talk I was reliving the kiss. Anyway, I was tired. But it was more than that. It was exhaustion.
It felt like a year’s worth of stress and denial and hiding had taken its toll all at once and it seemed easier to close my eyes and quit rather than deal with the reality of my life for one more second.
They were quiet, waiting for me to answer. Did I like him?
Of course. Better question—did it even matter?
Tears welled up in my eyes as self-pity washed over me in a pathetic wave. I finally liked a guy and he liked me back…just not enough to commit to me. So what did he suggest then, that we just “hang out?” Be tutor and student…with privileges? Be friends? Or maybe friends with benefits?
None of these sounded appealing, and I was fairly certain that wasn’t what he’d been suggesting anyways. He’d called me his girlfriend. So he wanted us to be together but just not attached. Or he would try to remain detached?
Oh man, I was so confused. I didn’t know what he wanted. But maybe that didn’t matter. I had enough problems on my plate and I didn’t have the emotional wherewithal to deal with it. To deal with anything, for that matter.
I rubbed at my forehead, wishing I could blink away this stress headache, along with that fuzzy feeling at the base of my skull. The one that said I was running on low and about to blow a fuse.
Aubrey sat beside me on the bench and Stephanie sat on the other side. I felt the other girls gathering around but I didn’t look up to see who was there. They were all there. My team was forming a huddle around me, their way of showing support and saying without words that they had my back.
Something in me cracked. That firm resolution that I had to be the strong one, the leader, the captain. It wobbled beneath the heavy weight of my emotions.
The Perfect League (Briarwood High Book 3) Page 9