“Why, Lex?” he asked finally, following up his one-word question with several others, one after the other. Once he got going, he found it hard to stop. “Why did you leave? Why didn’t you answer any of my emails, phone calls, texts? Why didn’t you tell me you were pregnant? Why did you risk your life?”
“Because I love you,” she whispered quietly.
For the life of him, he didn’t understand. He’d heard the words, but they made no sense to him whatsoever. He opened his mouth to respond, but couldn’t seem to figure out a way to express the complete state of confusion in which he found himself.
She sighed, focusing on where their hands met, moving her thumb slowly over his skin. “You have to understand something, Ian. I’ve been in love with you since the first time I saw you,” she confessed. “Wildly, madly, passionately in love with you, before I even knew what that was.”
Yeah, his brothers had told him as much. The ones that were still talking to him, anyway.
“Kieran brought you home with him after school,” he said.
Lexi nodded. “It was in 9th grade. My first year of public high school. I met Kieran my first day.” She smiled at the memory. “I was totally lost, standing where two hallways intersected, trying to figure out which way to go. He literally plowed right into me, leveling me like the bulldozer he is. My lip split and, as you can imagine, it was a total bloodbath. Thank God we were both running late and no one else was in the hallway at the time.”
“He was a little freaked out, I think, but he handled it better than most. He picked me up and carried me to the nurse, refusing to leave even though they threatened him with detention for not going back to his classes. That’s when he found out my little secret. He swore he wouldn’t tell anyone, and instantly appointed himself my protector.”
Yeah, thought Ian. That sounded like Kieran. Even when they were little, their mother used to call him her little knight. The rest of them teased him mercilessly about it. Still did.
“Anyway, we started hanging out a little after that. Well, it was more like I tried to hide and he kept finding me, but he really started growing on me after a while. One day, football practice was cancelled, and he wanted to walk me home after school, but I was in no hurry to go back to my house. I knew Kayla would be there with all of her friends.”
She shrugged, seeming to grow smaller as she subconsciously shrunk back from the memory. “I swear they spent hours coming up with new ways to torment me. I didn’t care – I’d learned to ignore them, but I would have been mortified if they’d humiliated me in front of Kieran. He was pretty much my only friend. I couldn’t chance that. Kayla was beautiful, outgoing, popular – boys were always asking her out, but me, well...”
Yes, Kayla had been popular. She’d been in Ian’s class. He had been just as enamored as the rest of them when she first moved to Pine Ridge, but that was the stupidity of adolescent boys, wasn’t it? And Kayla never had any qualms about flaunting her assets in front of them. Still, Kayla was one of those girls boys liked to take out, not take home. She made it easy. Too easy. There was a huge difference between that kind of “popularity” and the genuine kind, though he doubted Lexi understood that back then.
“When he realized I wasn’t going to let him walk me home he suggested I go home with him instead, feigning some excuse so I wouldn’t feel bad. That was the first day I met all of you.”
“You were in the kitchen,” Ian recalled quietly. “Making cookies.”
“Yeah,” she laughed softly. “I wanted to do something nice for Kieran since he’d been so kind to me. Given the size of him, I figured anything involving food was a safe bet, and baking was one thing I could do really well. Little did I realize I would end up feeding a small army.”
Ian smiled at the memory. The aroma had drawn him and all of his brothers to the kitchen like moths to a flame. They’d been without a mother for several years by that time, and needless to say, Jack Callaghan was not much of a baker. Things that other kids took for granted – like having a mom around that made fresh-baked cookies after school – were highly coveted in their household.
“I remember thinking that Kayla would have done anything to be in my place that day,” she recalled fondly. “There I was, alone, surrounded by an entire room full of Irish demi-gods.” Ian raised an eyebrow and Lexi blushed. “That’s what all the girls called you guys.”
“Then you came in,” she said, looking at their joined hands again. “You were bummed because all the cookies that had come out of the oven so far were gone, and the others were razzing you about it. ‘Don’t worry,’ I said, pulling out another tray. ‘You can have these.’ You leaned against the counter, looked me right in the eye, and said – “
“You are a goddess.” It came back to him in a rush and suddenly he was back in that kitchen, looking down into her beautiful face, tilted up toward his, more exotic-looking than any girl he’d ever seen. Those wide, innocent eyes, blazing amber. The dark pink that quickly suffused her light bronze skin. The way her dark, full lips parted slightly, giving him an instant hard-on. Embarrassed by his reaction to her, he’d grabbed a few cookies right off the tray, ignoring the burning in his palm, and beat feet out of there before any of his brothers – or more importantly, she – took notice.
“I swear my heart stopped in that moment,” Lexi continued quietly. “It was like being hit by lightning, except instead of being fried to a blackened crisp, I felt like a part of me suddenly woke up. It was just like in all those fairy tales – you know, love at first sight and all that? Except this was real, and it was happening to me. I wondered if you felt it too, but...”
Yeah, he knew. He took off like the devil himself was on his ass, but hell, he had been nearly eighteen at the time, and she was Kieran’s age. He had no business having a reaction like that to her. And even if she had been older, he probably would have done the same thing. Because he had felt something, and it scared the shit out of him. So much so that he had forced himself to bury it so deep he didn’t have to face it.
“I tried to tell myself that I imagined it,” she said. “That it was all in my mind, a product of my overactive imagination. Too many books, too much time alone. But each time I saw you, I felt it a little stronger than the last, until it got to the point where I could barely function if you were around. Your brothers started to notice, Kieran especially, and I felt like a total idiot, but there was nothing I could do. Eventually, I think, you started sensing it too – or maybe one of them said something to you about it – because after a while, you seemed to go out of your way to avoid me.”
It was true. He did. But not for the reasons she thought.
“And then, well, Kayla found out where I was spending all my spare time. To say she was livid was an understatement. And somehow – I swear I don’t know how – she found out about my feelings for you. That was the night you got roped into picking me and Kieran up from the basketball game. And you know the rest of that story.” She let the silence hang heavy between them for a long time.
“Why did you leave Pine Ridge?” he asked quietly.
“Ah, Kieran didn’t tell you,” she said. “Always my protector. I guess it doesn’t matter anymore.” She took a deep breath. “The night of the basketball game – well, I saw you and Kayla and, and I don’t know, I just lost it. Something just... snapped. I waited for her at home, and when she finally came in, I said I was going to tell Dad what she was doing every night when she snuck out of the house to go meet boys. Things got a little loud and we ended up waking our parents.”
“We heard them coming a mile away. All of a sudden, Kayla got this really funny look on her face. Before I realized what was happening, she hit me hard and fast – twice in the face, once in the stomach. I was caught completely off-guard. She’d never done anything like that before. Most of it was verbal, though sometimes a push here or a shove there, but nothing like that. I think I was more surprised than physically hurt, but as you can guess, it looked horrible. By the ti
me my parents opened the door I was doubled over, bleeding profusely from the nose and mouth.”
“Son of a bitch,” Ian murmured. He’d known Kayla was cruel, but he’d never imagined this.
“Then, it was like someone flipped a switch, and Kayla went from raging psycho to concerned sister. All of a sudden Kayla was pressing a balled-up shirt to my face, crying and stroking my hair. It was a great show – she always was a consummate actress with a flair for the dramatic. With her hand holding the shirt in my face I couldn’t say anything. Kayla told them ...” Lexi paused, steadying herself with a deep breath. “... she told them that I’d been ... attacked. That we had been fighting because she insisted I tell but that I wanted to keep it quiet, to protect the one that did it. My father went absolutely ballistic. My stepmother went into hysterics.” Lexi shook her head.
“Who did Kayla say molested you?” Ian asked, sensing he already knew the answer.
“Kieran,” Lexi answered, her voice thick with tears, confirming his worst fears. “She wanted to hurt me, and she figured out the two best ways to do that. Oh, I’ve always known that she was behind that little scene in the parking lot,” she told him. “And the thing with Kieran? I think that was just a bonus.”
“Lexi,” he breathed, pulling her closer. “I’m so sorry.”
“I told my Dad and Patricia it wasn’t true, but if they accepted that then they’d also have to accept the fact that Kayla had been the one to attack me, and I don’t think either one of them was ready to face that little gem of truth quite yet. Patricia, I could almost understand, but not Dad. He knew your family, knew your dad forever. Thought of you boys as his own. I think he knew in his heart that Kieran would never do such a thing, but he had to do some serious damage control. Patricia insisted on calling the police right away, but Dad managed to talk her out of it. He did, however, forbid me from seeing Kieran ever again. Or any of you, for that matter.” She sniffed. “It was for your protection as much as mine.”
“If Kayla was bad before, she was unbearable after that. I did what any young teenage girl would do. I ran away. More than once, actually. Except each time, my dad would call your dad on the sly, and Kieran or Shane would find me. They would always find me.”
“I guess my dad couldn’t take it anymore. One day, I was home alone with him. That should have tipped me off – Patricia always felt threatened when my dad and I spent any time together, so she made sure it didn’t happen often. Your dad came over, talked to my dad for a little while. Next thing I knew, Uncle Jack was driving me to the airport, telling me everything was going to be better from then on.” She paused, her eyes far away, the memory of that day as clear as if it had just happened. “I remember the look on my dad’s face when I got into that car with Uncle Jack. It was the last time I ever saw him.”
“He was trying to protect you.”
“Yeah,” she sniffed. “I figured that out. Eventually.” Lexi took a deep breath, and that helped her go on. “I think he was scared, too. He didn’t want to lose me the same way he lost my mother. He made sure I had the best doctors and that I was well taken care of.
“Except for missing my dad, I had a good life. My aunts were nice. Aidan’s dad took me under his wing, sent me to the culinary academy and gave me work when no one else would give me the time of day. Aidan was one of the few who knew my secret – his dad had arranged for him to be wherever I was – and quickly assumed Kieran’s role as my guardian.”
She laughed, but it was a sad laugh. “I think he resented it at first, almost as much as I did. But then we became really close. I don’t know what I would have done without him.”
Ian was grateful for everything that Aidan had done, he really was. But it still chafed to have her talk so fondly of another man. “He loves you.”
“And I love him. But not like you think.” Ian might have had his doubts before, but Aidan had been brutally honest on their two hour flight. Between telling him what a monumental ass he was, Aidan also saw fit to set Ian straight on a lot of other things as well. But then Lexi didn’t know that. Aidan hadn’t told her what he was up to. He had told Ian as much.
“We take care of each other – I would do anything for him, but he knows as well as I do that there was only ever one man for me.”
Something swelled inside Ian’s chest then. “If you really felt that way, then why did you leave me, Lexi? Why did you shut me out? Not tell me about our son?”
“That week in Pine Ridge was the best seven days of my life,” she said honestly. “I should have been honest with you. I should have told you about my medical condition right up front and that I didn’t have enough meds to last me more than a few days. But you asked me to stay till the fair, and I could never deny you, Ian. Not ever.”
“You left.” It was still hard for him to fathom. Each time he thought about that day he felt a knife slicing right through his heart.
She nodded. “I had to, Ian. You – you’re so strong and fierce, so vibrant, so alive. I could never expect you to understand. The last thing you needed was to be saddled with someone for whom a paper cut could be a life-threatening situation. And Kayla had probably already told you about the baby. Even if you didn’t plan on marrying her, I knew you’d do right by your own child. You’re too good of a man to ever walk away from something like that.”
Anger lit Ian’s eyes from within, making them glow. “Saddled with you? Jesus Christ, Lexi. Is that what you think? Don’t you know I’d do anything to be with you? Under any circumstances?”
It was Lexi’s turn to look surprised. “I thought once Kieran told you - “
“Kieran didn’t tell me shit. Hasn’t talked to me since you left, as a matter of fact. Blames me for everything.” He held up his hand when she opened her mouth again. “I wish I had known, Lexi. I would have done things differently, been gentler with you, made sure you had your meds so you wouldn’t have to leave me, ever. Nothing could change the way I feel about you, Lex. Nothing.”
“But Kayla –“
“Kayla was never pregnant,” Ian said, his voice bitter. “She lied. Made that up because she was jealous that you were able to do something in one week that she couldn’t do in a lifetime.”
“And what’s that?” Lexi asked quietly.
“Make me fall totally, completely, and irrevocably in love with you.”
“I did?”
“Yes, Lex. You did. But it doesn’t excuse the fact that you kept your pregnancy from me. Were you even going to tell me I had a son? Christ, when I think about you going through everything alone...”
“I wasn’t alone,” she argued, averting her gaze.
Yes, he knew about Aidan. And it burned his ass that another man was taking care of her when it should have been him. Yes, he was grateful for everything that Aidan had done, but goddammit, he never should have had to.
“You didn’t return my calls. My emails. I staked out every restaurant Aidan owns, hoping to catch a glimpse of you. I sat outside your apartment for days, just for the chance to talk to you, Lex. I couldn’t find you. I never felt so helpless in my entire life. Explain to me why, please, because God knows, I just can’t understand why you would keep something like this from me.”
“At first,” she said, her voice shaky, “I didn’t know. Looking back, all the signs were there, but I just assumed it was ... stress.” Not to mention a shattered, destroyed, pulverized heart. “And one of the side effects of the meds I was on was an inability to conceive, not that that was ever really a concern for me before.”
“But you weren’t taking your meds properly, were you?”
“No,” she agreed. “It never occurred to me that by lessening the dosage and stringing them out I was doing anything other than trying to spend as much time with you as possible.”
“It’s a miracle the meds didn’t hurt the baby when you started taking them again.”
“I was terrified that they did,” she said quietly, and Ian heard the residual terror in her voice. “An
d that’s part of the reason I didn’t want to tell you. Once I realized I was pregnant, I stopped taking everything. But by that point, there was a very high probability that one or both of us wouldn’t survive the pregnancy, or the delivery. I couldn’t do that to you.”
She paused, and he held his breath, suddenly afraid of what she would say next. “They wanted me to terminate the pregnancy, Ian,” she said, and the last resolve in him shattered. “I couldn’t do that, not ever. This was our baby. Ours. I knew it would be strong, I knew he wouldn’t be anything less than perfect, because it was a miracle he was even conceived in the first place. He was meant to be, Ian. And I was going to tell you, once I knew everything was going to be okay.”
“He is perfect,” Ian agreed, nothing less than absolute reverence in his voice. From the moment he’d first held his son in his arms he had known that. But he had still counted toes and fingers, gazed in awe at the intelligence in his infant eyes, swelled with pride at the strong grip on his finger. His son hadn’t cried once, seeming to know Ian was his father. He knew he was probably crazy, but he and the boy bonded.
“Aidan stuck by me, told them all to go to hell. Said we’d find different doctors, and we did. They put me on different meds – not as effective but safer for the baby.”
“And what about you, Lex? How are you?”
“Better now,” she said evasively.
“You look tired.” She was a hell of a lot more than tired. Again, Aidan had pulled no punches, giving Ian a brutally honest review of her health on the flight down. Lexi was wearing herself down, struggling stubbornly to do everything, and her fragile body was weakening at an alarming rate. Aidan told Ian point-blank that he had to do something, because he seemed to be the only one Lexi ever listened to.
She laughed lightly. “Show me a new mother who isn’t.”
“True, but most women don’t have the same challenges you do.”
First and Only: Callaghan Brothers, Book 2 Page 20