“Lex, what’s wrong?” Ian asked carefully.
“You know what?” she said, backing away slowly, her arms wrapped defensively in front of her. “I - I’m really not hungry.” she answered dully. “And I’m very tired, it’s been a long day. I’m just going to check on Patrick and then go to bed.”
“Lex –“
“Goodnight, Ian. Thanks for taking care of Patrick today. I’ll take it from here.”
Lexi forced herself to keep a steady pace as she walked back toward her room, refusing to look at the pillow and blanket neatly tucked and folded along the sofa. Then she closed the door and locked it. She wouldn’t be needing Ian’s help any more tonight.
* * *
Ian felt a shiver run through him. That wasn’t Lexi’s voice. It held no warmth, no affection whatsoever. None of the love it normally did, and he didn’t like it. Not at all.
Fuck. Ian wished he was on active duty at that moment, because he really wanted to kill something. He was losing his mind trying to say and do the right thing, to not put any pressure on her, to not take advantage of her. His body was going to explode if he didn’t get inside her soon. And still he was screwing this up royally. How the hell was he supposed to deal with this?
He simply wasn’t good at this kind of thing. Taking out the enemy? He was on it. Cracking a system? Nobody better. Taking care of his woman? Big, fat suck-fest on a stick.
It took a while, but Ian finally came to a conclusion and began a deliberate march across the suite. To hell with what he was supposed to do. He was going to do what he had to do. He reached out, twisted the knob, and – found the bedroom door locked.
Well, that was a clear message there, wasn’t it? It was the first time she’d done that, and it only strengthened his belief that he was doing the right thing. Things were getting way out of control, the very thing he was hoping to avoid. Within seconds, the lock was disabled and he was inside, poised to duck as he half-expected a solid object to come flying his way.
Nothing did. She wasn’t even in the room. The flat screen still droned on ESPN at a low murmur. Patrick lay sleeping soundly in his crib, though Ian could see that Lexi must have picked him up. The slightest tint of bronze was on his head where she had pressed her lips to him.
God, she had looked so beautiful standing there in the kitchen. Her hair was shining and full, her skin radiant. And, oh, did she smell good. So good that he’d forgotten himself and gotten too close. His chest ached, his arms burned with the need to hold her.
He barely heard it over the soft, muted sound of running water, as if... He listened closer, all doubt fleeing. It was the sound of someone crying. Into a towel by the muffled nature of it.
“Lex, open the door,” he commanded, his voice holding the edge of the panic he felt. The door was locked; he raised his fist and pounded the side of it against the door. “Jesus, Lex. Open the goddamn door.”
He was just about to break the thing down when he heard the soft click and she opened it a few inches. Huge eyes, rimmed in red, her dark liner smudged, looked up at him and his heart broke. Because those once-glowing amber eyes were cold. Dead.
After a brief hesitation, the door opened a little wider. “Lex, I –“
“One of us needs to leave.”
A bomb went off in his head somewhere, and he was only vaguely aware of the shrapnel raining down within his mind, shredding what little was left of his sanity. Surely he’d heard wrong. “What?”
“You heard me. This is not working, and I can’t do this anymore. It’s not fair to either one of us.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
Lexi opened the door and stepped into his body, pressing her breasts against his hard chest, weaving her hands up around the back of his neck, tangling her fingers in his hair. For a moment, for one glorious moment, his hands went around her waist and onto her butt, his hips grinding against hers. Then his eyes snapped open, his hands gripped her shoulders and pushed her back about six inches.
Lexi let her hands drop, and Ian realized that he had done exactly what she had expected him to.
“That’s what I’m talking about.” She stepped back, twisting away from his hands. “We’ll have to work out something.”
“Damn straight.” Working something out together sounded good to him, because he wasn’t doing so well on his own.
“I’ll take nights, you take days.”
“What?”
“With Patrick. Assuming you want to. You do want to spend time with your son, don’t you?”
“What kind of a question is that? Of course I do.”
“Good. You can have him during the day, which will work out quite well, actually, because I need to start working again.”
“You’re not going back to work.”
“Fuck. You. I’m not asking. I’ll work mornings and afternoons, then we’ll switch. You’re planning on heading back to Pine Ridge, right?”
Ian couldn’t answer; he could only stare at her, stunned. Where the hell was all this coming from?
She didn’t wait for him to respond. “Look, I know your life is there. I get that. And I would never keep you from Patrick, so this is the only way I can see making it work,” she continued. “You have your place at the Pub, you work nights. I’ll get a job at Francesco’s and live in my grandmother’s house. Assuming Uncle Jack didn’t sell it, that is.”
“He didn’t.” Ian’s lips thinned. No, his father hadn’t sold it. He’d given it to Ian, and Ian lived there now. So it was all good. “You’ll live with me, where I can take care of you. Both of you.”
“At the risk of repeating myself - fuck you.”
Ian growled, the sound originating from somewhere around his navel and building as it rose up through his chest. His muscles strained with tension, his jaw clenched, and he went utterly, unnaturally still.
“Once we’re married –“
Lexi’s eyes widened. “Wake up, Ian. I am not marrying you.”
Another bomb went off, this time in his chest. “Of course you are. Patrick - ”
“- is our son,” she completed for him. “And he deserves the love and attention of both of his parents, and he’ll have that.”
“You’re right about that. And you will marry me.” Ian thought about the ring that he still carried in his pocket, just as he had every day since he bought it. Damn it, he hadn’t wanted it to come out this way, but there really was no choice here. There never had been any doubt in his mind, not since she first fell asleep on his arm on that God-forsaken bus.
“No, Ian, I won’t.”
“You need me.” Please, God, let that be true, he prayed. He needed it to be true, because he couldn’t live without her.
Lexi softened her tone, as Ian had softened his. “Patrick needs his father.”
“And what about you, Lex? What do you need?”
Her arms wrapped around her mid-section as if she was trying to hold herself together. She bit her lip while he held his breath, wanting to hear her answer and dreading it at the same time. When she spoke, her voice was barely more than a whisper. “I need a man who will love me the same way that I love him – with every last piece of my heart, my mind, and my soul.”
Relief flooded his chest. “Lex, I do love you like that. I swear to God – “
She held up her hand to stop him from saying anything further, the look in her eyes so pained he felt it acutely in his chest. “No, Ian, you don’t. Because there is nothing in this world or any other that could ever keep me out of your arms or your bed as long as you wanted me there.”
Ian felt like an eighteen-wheeler had just hit him head-on. “You think I don’t want you? Jesus Christ, Lexi, it’s killing me not to wrap myself around you and bury myself deep inside you till you don’t know anything but me.”
“Then why don’t you?” she asked, her voice rising. “Do you have any idea how hard it is to have you shrink away at my slightest touch? To lie awake all night, thinking of nothing but
being in your arms, and hearing you pacing in the next room because you can’t stand to be near me? To know that every time you look at me, all you can see is the ugliness inside of me?” Tears fell freely over her cheeks. “Is that how you love me, Ian?”
“I can’t hurt you again!” he yelled. “I won’t!”
“You didn’t hurt me, Ian. That was all my fault. And I wanted it, all of it. I still do. The only way you can hurt me is by turning away from me now. Please, Ian. I need you to hold me. I need to feel your heart beating against mine.”
More than anything, Ian wanted to take her into his arms and show her exactly how much she meant to him, but his legs wouldn’t move. As much as his heart cried out for her, his brain still flashed visions of her lying in that hospital bed, looking like she’d been tortured. What if he lost control again? He couldn’t take the chance.
Very quietly, Lexi nodded, a silent affirmation that her worst fears had been realized. Her hands dropped to her sides. With slow, heavy movements, she walked around him to the crib where Patrick was now crying. Lifting him up to her, she padded toward the door and out into the softly lit hallway. She paused, but did not turn around.
“I’m sorry, Ian,” she whispered softly. “But I want a husband, not a housemate.” Then she was gone.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
“Francesco D’Armini?” Aidan said in disbelief as the private limo crossed the Maryland/Pennsylvania border. “Why don’t you just plunge the knife into my back again and twist a little harder?”
“We’ve been over this, Aidan. Patrick needs to be near his father,” she said wearily.
“So he can’t move to Benton?”
“I don’t want him in Benton. He has a life here – a home, a job, a family. If he came to Benton he’d expect to move in with me, and that is so not happening.”
“You don’t think he’s going to want to live with you here?” Aidan asked, shaking his head. “I thought you were smarter than that, Lex.”
“There’s no reason for him to,” she sniffed. “And he’s already agreed to move back to the Pub.” Lexi had made it a condition of her and Patrick’s permanent relocation to Pine Ridge. Ian would get to spend every day with his son, and she wouldn’t have to deal with his rejection.
Aidan snorted. “You haven’t actually signed anything with Francesco yet, have you?”
“No. I was planning to talk to him once we got settled.”
“Do me a favor, will you? Don’t call Francesco just yet.”
“Why not?”
“I’ve got an idea. Something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately.”
“What idea?”
He sighed heavily. “Lex, we have always been there for each other, haven’t we?”
“Yes, of course.”
“Then please, just do this for me.”
“Alright, Aidan. I’ll wait. But I do wish you’d tell me what’s going on in that devious mind of yours.”
Aidan smiled and patted her hand. “Soon, Lex. Soon.”
Three Months Later, Fourth of July, County Fair, Pine Ridge, PA
“Wow, he’s pretty fast for a six-month old,” Lina commented as Patrick made his way across the huge quilt spread out under the massive shade trees on his hands and knees, trying to get to his slightly older, larger cousins. Lina’s and Stacey’s sons were about the same age. Keely’s twin boys were just a bit younger, but nearly as large, and seemed to have adopted Patrick as one of their own.
“Yeah, he is,” laughed Lexi. “He started crawling at five months, and he hasn’t stopped since. I’m just glad he’s got more of his father in him than me,” she added as Lina’s son reached out to grab Patrick and he tumbled, laughing hysterically.
“I don’t know,” said Stacey, offering Lexi some iced tea. “I think his mom is pretty strong, too.”
“I’m getting there,” Lexi said. “But I have to thank you guys for that.” Moving back to Pine Ridge had its share of challenges, but the close camaraderie and friendship of these ladies had been a godsend.
“You’re starting your new treatments soon, right?” Keely asked.
Lexi nodded. “Monday.”
“Want me to watch the little guy?” Taryn asked, cradling her newborn daughter.
“Thanks, but he’ll be with Ian.”
As one, four sets of female eyes turned on her. “Ian’s not going with you?” Keely asked quietly.
“No, why would he?” Lexi said defensively. The last thing Ian needed was daily, blatant reminders of her condition. He already treated her as if she was made of spun glass.
The other women exchanged glances. “You shouldn’t have to do this alone, Lex.”
“I’m going with her,” Stacey spoke up. “She won’t be alone.”
Lexi gave her a grateful look. Stacey understood her better than anybody, having gone through her own personal medical crisis. Her husband, however, had dealt with things better than Ian apparently.
“Maybe you could ask Johnny to talk to him, Stace,” Lina suggested. “After all, you went through something similar –“
“Me and Michael, too,” said Keely, nodding her head. “But then we talked it out and –“
Taryn snorted. “Yeah, you guys talked long and loud. Repeatedly, from what you told me at the Christmas party.” With only a slight tinge of color to her cheeks, Keely grinned from ear to ear. She loved her big, physical husband, and made no secret of the fact.
“Thanks, but no thanks,” Lexi said, suddenly feeling very awkward among these happily married women. From the other side of the grove, she saw Ian and his brothers moving toward them. It took a little bit to get to her feet. When she scooped up Patrick, she tried unsuccessfully to hide her grimace.
“Here,” Lina said, grabbing Patrick until Lexi could right herself. “You’re not leaving, are you? It’s almost dark – the fireworks will be starting soon. Boy, he’s a big one, isn’t he?”
“Don’t go, Lex,” Stacey said. “Watch the ‘works with us. Best show ever.”
“She’s not kidding,” Lina laughed. “But that’s what happens when you get a computer genius and a few demolition experts together, huh.”
Lexi shot another look toward the men who were closing the distance quickly. From where she stood, she could see Ian hardening himself, the way he always did when he got close to her. They rarely spoke at all anymore unless it was to share information about Patrick, though the very air between them practically crackled with electricity. It made it uncomfortable for everyone.
“Maybe next time,” she said, forcing a little smile as she took back her child. There was no way she was going to ruin this for everyone. “Thanks, girls. This was fun.”
They watched in silence as Lexi made her way across the fields, her steps deliberate and methodical, as if each one was a tremendous effort.
“Hey, the fireworks will be starting soon!” Jake announced, as the men returned from the initial setup. His gaze followed Taryn’s. “Is that Lex?”
“Yeah.” There was an awful lot in that one little word. They watched as she disappeared behind the booths.
“Well?” Taryn asked, turning to her brother-in-law and poking him in the chest.
“Well what?” Ian looked down at her, his expression hard, as if he could scare her into holding her tongue. It didn’t work.
“Aren’t you going to go after her?”
“No,” he said flatly. “Why would I?”
“How can you be so cold?” asked Taryn. A few seconds later, under the combined, disapproving stares of his family, Ian turned and walked off in the other direction.
“Talk to him, Jake,” Taryn pleaded.
“Don’t you think I’ve tried?”
“We all have, Tar,” Johnny said quietly. “He won’t listen. He thinks he’s protecting her, and nothing any of us say or do is going to change his mind.”
* * *
Three Months Later, October
Ian looked at the ancient wall clock in the Pub kit
chen. It had advanced three whole minutes since the last time he checked, which, he decided, was physically impossible since at least two hours must have passed. Patrick chattered happily in his high chair, telling a long-winded tale in mumbles and grunts to Taryn and Jake’s daughter Riley, who was mesmerized. Riley had deep, violet eyes, just like her mom, and they were focused solely on her playmate. The two had become inseparable, each happy when in the other’s presence. It made for some pretty easy days.
Lexi was late picking Patrick up. Again. Okay, so technically she wasn’t late. She was supposed to pick him up by six p.m., and it was five forty-five. But she used to come over by five o’clock to chat and have coffee with Taryn, and this was the third night in a row she hadn’t.
Ian missed her terribly. He looked forward to that hour at the end of the day, when Lexi was ending her work day and before he started his shift at the bar. Other than a quick greeting and an exchange of Patrick-related information, they didn’t speak much to each other directly. Their relationship, if you could call it that, had been reduced to little else.
But for that one hour he would find some reason to hang around, just so he could look at her, to know that she was safe and well. He could listen to her voice as she spoke with everyone else and hear a little bit about her day, what was going on in her life. That precious hour was the only thing that made his life bearable, got him through from one day to the next. He loved their son, treasured the time he spent with him, but without Lexi by his side, he felt as if part of him – the biggest, best part – was simply missing. It was the price he paid, every day, to keep her safe. From him.
During the day, at least, he had Patrick. They did all kinds of things together. Evenings he worked the bar, so that provided a little bit of a distraction. Nights were the worst. He would lie there, staring at the ceiling, remembering what it felt like to have her body snuggled against him, warming him. To hear her little sighs as she dreamed. To bury his head in her hair and smell the fresh, musky scent of her, knowing that with little more than a soft touch she would open for him, cradling his body with her own.
First and Only: Callaghan Brothers, Book 2 Page 23