Redemption

by Jaimie Roberts

  “Humphrey is your uncle, right? The one named after Bogart?” I nodded. “Was he there that night I came to the mansion?”

  I nodded again. “Yes. He was the one who answered the door. The one who looks like Terry-Thomas with his pointy mustache.”

  I saw recognition in her eyes and she smiled. “I wish I could have met him properly.”

  I felt bad again. I would always feel bad when it came to my past and what I did to her. “You can meet him properly. I want you to meet him. He’s a good guy. He just has Scozzari blood running through him. He likes living a life he’s used to. But me? I only did it because I was stupid. I let my head rule everything because I thought for one stupid second, you let me down. How I can even begin to make this right is beyond my comprehension, but I’m going to make damn sure I try. I will keep trying and trying until, one day, you’ll get so fed up with me, you’ll simply have to give in. I can’t lose you, Tyler. I will do whatever it takes. If you want my previous life gone, I’ll do it. I will give all of it up for you because you’re the only thing that matters. Just tell me what you want me to do. You have my future in your hands because my future is yours.”

  Moving closer to Tyler, I placed a finger under her chin. She looked into my eyes and, at that moment, I wanted to kiss her so badly. “I love you, Tyler. I have always loved you. Just tell me what you want. Tell me what you need me to do.”

  She breathed heavily, placing her hand on my arm. “Kiss me. I want and need you to kiss me.”

  I didn’t hesitate. I gave her what she wanted and needed from me because it was what I wanted and needed from her. It was like we were each other’s air. I simply couldn’t breathe without her.

  Trailing my tongue along her lip, I nibbled the bottom before slowly sliding my tongue inside. Tyler moaned, which had my dick straining against my trousers again. It was seeking out her warmth, her wetness, the pink, soft flesh that tightened itself around it. I needed her. I ached for her. Everything else seemed to pale into insignificance whenever I was around her.

  Tyler grabbed my hand and placed it on her breasts. I squeezed it a little and rubbed my thumb over her nipple. She moaned again. “I need you to fuck me. I don’t care how you do it, as long as I feel you inside me. I want you, Dean. It’s always been you.” She breathed heavily into my mouth and I captured it, trying to taste her. I needed her right now. But no matter how much this need took over, she needed to know something first. Only then could I even begin to redeem myself. Only then could I move on and beg her forgiveness. Only then could I even hope to begin our future together.

  So I pulled away. I left her breathless and wanton for me because I had to confess my sins first.

  “Tyler, I have to tell you something.”

  She made a move to kiss me again. “Afterwards. I need you first.”

  She placed her hand at the back of my neck and tried to pull me to her, but I grabbed her arm and pushed her away. I fucking hated doing that. Normally, I would never reject her. I just needed her to know before we could even try to move on.

  “It can’t wait. It has to be now, Tyler. It’s important.”

  She sighed, but leaned back. “Okay. What is it?”

  I gripped my eyes shut, hating the fact that I was going to do this to her. She had to know, though. She had to know what kind of a monster I had really become.

  “Back when I was plotting my revenge against you, I found out something.” I paused for a moment and watched as she looked at me, a puzzled expression on her face. “I found out about Jeremy.” I cringed before I told her the truth that would hurt her all over again. “I was the one who sent all those reporters. I was the one who made him believe that you had told them about him. It was me and I can’t tell you how sorry I am.”

  Tyler shot up out of her seat and paced the floor. “You killed him!” She looked at me with thunder in her eyes.

  I cringed again. “I know I did. I had to tell you, Tyler. You had to know. I need you to trust me again and the only way I can make that happen is by telling you the truth.”

  “The truth?!” She shouted the words so loudly, it came out like a squeal. She was in pain. And I was the one to blame again. “The truth?! You think you can tell me something like that and everything will be okay? I was letting you back in again.” She shook her head in dismay. “I can’t believe I was actually letting you back into my heart, only for you to rip it apart again. How could you, Dean? How could you have done that to him? He was only sixteen when he died. A boy!” She let out a cry and I shot up to comfort her. “No. Stay away from me. I don’t want you anywhere near me. Do you hear me? Stay the fuck away.” She looked at me with venom in her eyes. “You’re poison, Dean. Everything about you is fucking poisonous. Get out. I never want to see you again.” I didn’t move for a second. I couldn’t. “Get…out!”

  I didn’t want to go, but I knew staying was no use. She was angry with me, but how could I blame her? There was no point in trying to fix this now. Fresh wounds needed time to heal, and I needed to give that to her.

  Turning, I headed for the door and turned the handle. Stepping out, I turned back and saw her dejected frame. “I’m so sorry, Tyler. I had to tell you so you knew just how sorry I truly was. I know I can’t take away what happened, but you simply have to know that I’ll never forgive myself.” I closed my eyes for a moment before closing the door. I had no fucking idea what was going to happen with us, but she needed to know.

  I just hoped she would eventually find it in her heart to forgive me.

  Chapter 9

  Tyler

  I was right back where I was over four years ago. Those wounds that had barely begun to heal were ripped open again. Once Dean left, I went to bed and cried myself to sleep over the boy who thought I had hurt him in the worst way possible when, the whole time, it was Dean. All along, it was Dean.

  The next day, I took a shower, went online to book a ticket, and packed a few things. Once I was done, I phoned my mother.

  “Tyler, how are you keeping?”

  I sighed. “I wish I could say I was okay, but that would be a lie. How’s Jeremy?”

  “He’s fine. He’s getting stronger by the day. This morning, I found him jumping on the bed and squealing for Twiglets. I think his energy has come back with full force.” She laughed a little, then stopped abruptly. “I need to tell you something, Tyler. Yesterday, I found out Dean was staying in the same hotel as us. We went down to get something to drink and I saw him walking through the foyer and out the doors. It was enough for us to rush back upstairs and stay in our room ever since.”

  I felt bad that I was making them prisoners because of all this, but I was determined to get this done and make Dean stop.

  “I’m so sorry I’m doing this to you all, Mum, but I’m going to try my best to stop it. By tonight, I think you’ll find Dean won’t be a problem anymore.” I sighed. “I know I’m asking so much from you right now, but can I ask for one more favor.”

  “Sure, honey. Anything.” I heard the hint of worry in her voice.

  “Can you just take care of Jeremy for a couple more days? I need to visit someone I haven’t for a while.”

  “Sure, Tyler. Take all the time you need. Jeremy is fine with us. I promise you that.”

  A single tear crept down my face. “I miss him so much.”

  “I know you do and he misses you, too. But you need to do this, Tyler. Whatever it is, you need it. Get it done and get it finished. Only then can you and Jeremy move on.”

  I smiled. “Thanks, Mum. I love you.”

  “I love you, too. Do you want to speak with Jeremy?”

  The biggest grin I’ve had in a long time spread across my face. “I would love to.”

  *****

  Landing at seven o’clock the next morning, I headed straight for the address I had in my mind. I didn’t even bother going to the hotel first. I was only staying until tomorrow, so carry-on luggage was the only thing I had with me. I also didn’t have a lot
of time, so I needed to do this immediately. I had been flying all night and felt tired. I needed a nap, but I had to do this first. I had plans to go somewhere else later, so time was of the essence

  Getting out of the taxi, I paid the driver and walked the short distance to the door. It had been years since I had visited this place, so it all seemed surreal to me at the moment. I didn’t know what reaction I was going to get once the door opened, but I needed to apologize. It was the least I could do.

  I rang the bell and waited. I didn’t hear anything for a while and I almost thought no one was in. I rang it again and heard her voice. “Okay, okay. I’m coming!”

  I started laughing and only stopped once she opened the door. She stood there, mouth wide open, staring at me.

  “Hi, Louisa.” That was all I could say at the moment.

  “Tyler?” I nodded as I saw the tears in her eyes. “Tyler, is that really you? Because if it’s not, this is one sick, twisted fucking joke.” A tear rolled down her face. All I wanted to do was wipe them all away for her. I had been a terrible friend.

  “It’s not a joke. It’s really me.”

  When it sunk in, she rushed forward and took me in her arms. She cried on my shoulder a little before pulling away and looking at me. “I thought you were dead. Everyone thought you were dead.”

  I looked sheepishly at her. “I know. I have some explaining to do, Louisa. I need you to know the whole story.”

  She nodded. “Come in. I’ll put the kettle on.”

  I sighed in relief, walked in, and shut the door behind me. Her apartment was just how I remembered, with the added photographs on the wall. A couple of them were of Louisa and me at a work Christmas party a few years back, but some new ones were of her with a man I had never seen before.

  “That’s Thomas. We’re getting married in August. I met him about five months after…”

  She paused a minute and I nodded. We walked into her living room and I could see some boxes piled up.

  “I’m moving once we get married. We’re buying a place together a bit further out of London.”

  Louisa walked away to get the tea, and I sat down. Once she was back, she handed me a mug and sat down opposite me.

  “Basically, you know what’s happened to me, but what’s been going on with you?”

  I sighed and began my story. I knew it would take a while to tell her everything, but she let me talk, only interrupting me when she realized my nameless sex partner was Dean. The only part I left out was that Dean had killed Ian. In fact, I hadn’t told anybody about that particular night. Everyone—including my parents—think he ran away after attacking me.

  “Oh, Tyler, I’m so fucking sorry that happened to you. I wish I had known. I wish you could have contacted me.”

  I nodded. “I know. I wanted to so many times. In fact, I picked up the phone and almost dialed your number a couple of times, but I knew Dean would find me. I knew Dean would then find out about his son. I had to keep Jeremy safe at all costs.”

  Louisa smiled, nodding. She looked just as stunning now as she did four years ago. Her hair was slightly longer and she had put on a couple pounds but, other than that, she was the same woman. “I understand why you did it.”

  I leaned over and took her hand. “I’m so sorry I did this to you. I have never forgiven myself for leaving you behind without letting you know what was going on. I came here because I wanted to see you, but I also came here to tell you just how sorry I am. I don’t know if you’ll ever forgive me, but I had to come here and see if it was possible.”

  Louisa squeezed my hand with a smile. “I’m not going to sugarcoat things, Tyler. I grieved when you left. I thought I had lost my best friend. But, at the same time, I understand why you did what you did. You’re a mother now and your son will always be your priority above everything and everyone else.” She smiled again and let go of my hand. “Do you have a picture of Jeremy? I’d love to see him.” I nodded, reached into my purse and pulled out a photograph I carried everywhere with me. “He has your hair.”

  I laughed. “I know. That’s the only thing he’s inherited from me.”

  She looked at the picture, a dreamy expression on her face. “He looks so handsome. His father must be quite the dish.” She winked and handed the photo back.

  I laughed. “He is. He always knew how to turn on the charm.” I smiled, but it was in sadness. I still missed him no matter what he’d done. I was angry at him, though. So, so angry.

  “So, where are you working now?” I asked, needing to change the subject.

  Louisa rolled her eyes. “I’m still with The Daily. We have a new boss now, but he seems cool. Better than Andrew Walker.” Her eyes widened. “Sorry. I can’t believe that was Dean. How on earth did no one notice that? Not even Ian noticed.”

  I shook my head as I couldn’t fathom it myself. “He obviously had a good make-up artist because I never recognized him fully until I visited him in his office that night after everyone else had gone home. Ian was obviously just as oblivious because he never once mentioned it to me.” I cringed a little, thinking about him.

  “I always thought there was something about Ian, you know.” I looked up, surprised by her comment. “I would sometimes catch him looking at you in a way that a best friend shouldn’t. I could tell he was in love with you, just not to the level it obviously was. Now I wish I had said something to you. Maybe things could have been different. I don’t know. I think I was hoping he would tell you in his own time. I just didn’t think it would end up in him attacking you.”

  I gave Louisa a sarcastic laugh and shook my head. “He surprised me more than I could ever imagine, but I don’t think you telling me would have made any difference, so please don’t beat yourself up about it.” I took a sip of my tea and placed it back on the coaster. “I hope we can build our friendship back up again, Louisa. It would mean the world to me if we could. I just hope, in time, you can forgive me and learn to trust me again.”

  Louisa sighed and stared at me a moment. She then moved one side of her lips up in a smile. “I will forgive you, but only on one condition.”

  I leaned forward. “Name it.”

  Louisa leaned forward, too. “You come to my wedding in August.”

  I laughed and nodded, thinking it was the least I could do. It would mean coming back to the one place I ran from all those years ago, but I couldn’t back out of this. No matter what.

  “I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

  *****

  I stayed for another hour and gave Louisa all the details of where I was living now. We hugged and cried, and she said she would be in touch about the wedding. After telling her they are welcome to come and stay with me anytime, I left and headed for the hotel for that much-needed nap.

  I woke up around four o’clock and got myself ready for my next visit. I put on a knee-high skirt, blouse, and high heels. I figured if I was going to see him, I could at least make an effort. I asked the hotel to order me a taxi, which arrived ten minutes later. The ride was quick, despite the fact the school run would probably still be happening at that hour. The day was overcast, just like my mood. I promised myself before I came that I wouldn’t cry. I wouldn’t break down. I was just visiting a friend. A dear, close friend who was like a brother to me.

  “That’ll be fifteen quid, love.” The taxi driver turned around to look at me. “Have you got an umbrella? It looks like it’s gonna rain.”

  I shook my head and handed him a twenty pound note. “No, but I’ll be fine. Keep the change.”

  He nodded, said thanks, and gave me a gentle smile. I think he knew I wasn’t at the cemetery just to wander.

  I got out of the taxi and he pulled away, leaving me standing outside the gates. It looked how it did that last day I was there. The day that tore my heart in two.

  I walked about two minutes towards the site where Jeremy now rested. As I got closer, I saw some flowers gently resting on his grave. They still looked fresh, so I was glad
someone was coming to visit. As I kneeled in front of his grave, I picked up a note that was laying beside it. The rain started falling, dripping off the card I now had in my hand. I wish I could have known you. J. xx

  I smiled, knowing it had to be Julie. I was glad Jeremy at least had her visiting him whenever she could.

  As that thought came, I sank lower to the ground. My knees were now encased in dirt and my hair was very quickly getting wet, but I didn’t care. At that moment, my world crashed around me. Guilt swam like an endless faucet, threatening to drown me in its path.

  “Jeremy, I’m so sorry.” The words strained through the gulf-sized lump in my throat. No matter how much I tried to hold back the tears, they just came and came, and with it came the flood of guilt for leaving him.

  “I feel like I’ve let you down and that I could have protected you more. I should have protected you more. And then I went and left you. For four years, I haven’t come to visit you and, for that, I’m a total shit. I don’t know if you’ll ever forgive me, but I just had to get away. I hope you will find it in your heart to understand.”

  I inhaled a deep breath as the sobs wrecked havoc against my chest. I just had to get the words out. If there was life after death and Jeremy was with me now, I had to make sure he knew just how much he meant to me. “God, I miss you so much.”

  As the tears streamed endlessly down my face, I stroked his name engraved into the stone. I thought I had somehow moved on from this, but coming here just brought it all out of me again. Time may have passed, but the wounds were still as fresh as ever.

  “I love you more than you will ever know. I’m so sorry I never got to tell you that before you died. I’m so sorry I didn’t do enough to help you. I... I...” I couldn’t seem to get any more words out. The tears flooded and with them came a heart-wrenching sob that couldn’t have possibly come out of my mouth, but it did. I sank lower and cried. All I could do was hang my head and mourn the loss of a wonderful boy who stole my heart over four years ago.