The Stargazers

by Allison M. Dickson

  “Are you comfortable?” he asked.

  She nodded. “Yes.” She brought his hand to one of her breasts. It wasn’t something she thought of consciously. It was instinct borne of a need to be touched and be lost in the pleasure of it.

  They kissed for a few more minutes before he pulled away again. “Maybe we should slow down.”

  With the fire still roaring through Aster’s body, she didn’t hear him at first. “Go down?”

  Bryon’s jaw dropped a little. “I, uh. No, I mean if you want. But I wasn’t sure if you—”

  “I want to. I mean, I think I do. It feels like I do. Don’t you?”

  “I really do. You have no idea how much I want to right now. It’s just… I don’t want to feel like we’re rushing too fast for you. Or us. That… God, I feel like a nerd. My friends would call me any number of names for even thinking about slowing down with a girl like you.”

  Aster giggled. “I think that’s what I like about you. That you’re thinking.”

  “Good.” He was grinning again. “I just feel like I want the moment to be perfect. My dad has always been big on the whole being a gentleman thing, and so I want to do this right. Take you on some real dates and stuff first.”

  She gazed at the pinpricks in the sky above her with the half-moon shedding a bright halo and wondered if there could ever be a more perfect moment than this to make love with someone, but her desire was based more in a raw need for comfort and escape. Once it was over, she’d be alone with all her worry and confusion again. Until she could figure out what she was going to do, she couldn’t surrender herself. Not yet.

  “What sorts of dates would you take me on?” she asked, hoping a lighter conversation would ease her lust a little bit.

  Bryon laughed. “I’ve been thinking up a list in my head since we first met. There are all sorts of great places to go on nature hikes around here if you like that sort of thing.”

  “I love it.”

  “We also have a good movie theater nearby. On my Quick Lube salary, I could even buy you popcorn or candy. Probably not both, though.” He winked at her.

  “I’ll have to think of some things I can do for you too,” she said.

  “You’re already doing everything I want. I probably sound lame, but when you’re around, I can’t stop smiling. It’s like I’m infected with happiness.” He was quiet for a few seconds and then said, “But if you ever wanted to cook dinner again, I’d let you.”

  They both laughed and lay holding each other on the blanket until the moon had nearly reached its apex, looking like a huckster’s grin. Then they sat up and Bryon began the process of breaking down the telescope and returning it to its case while Aster folded the blanket.

  On the way back to Oasis house, they held hands while listening to some mellow music that was both strange to her ears and beautiful. She would love to take some of it back with her, even if her return to Ellemire was only to say goodbye to her mother and grandmother. She didn’t think she could live with them again, given the enormity of what they had hidden from her.

  Mama Iris’s words surfaced in her brain again, like a bubble. You got to go your own way. Dahlia would be horrified to know what her daughter was considering.

  She asked him to stop at the corner so she could walk the rest of the way.

  “Will I see you again soon?” he asked. “Hopefully really soon?”

  “Definitely. I’ll come find you again tomorrow.”

  “Good.” He smiled. “I guess I’m hooked on you now.”

  She kissed him again. “Me too.” She opened the door and stepped out. “Good night, Bryon.”

  As he drove off, she watched the red lights on the back of his car carry on up the road like a pair of red eyes looking back at her, and she suddenly felt cold and alone again. Walking down the street with competing feelings of longing and fear, she was happy to see that there were no lights on at the Oasis house.

  -20-

  Aster crept up the stairs of the dark and mostly silent house. The deep snores coming from behind the bedroom doors as well as the sharp scent of various cleaning compounds told her how hard they must have worked all day. The clock hanging on the wall at the landing between the second and third floors read just shy of 11:30, and she hoped she would get a few hours of sleep before she had to leave again.

  You’re a coward.

  Perhaps. But she didn’t know exactly what she was dealing with.

  Oh give me a break. You know exactly who you’re dealing with. It’s Oleander, or if it isn’t her, it has her dirty work written all over it. You should send word to Lily and Dahlia right now and let them deal with it.

  But so much was different now because of Mama Iris. If it wasn’t for her, Aster might still be on the path to becoming pregnant and then killing her own child. They had lied to her and forced her to hold to an obligation that they couldn’t. She could no longer count on them to do right by her.

  But what would they do if she tried to separate herself from them? Her mind culled up horrible images of a forced impregnation at their hands, perhaps with an imprisoned Bryon, followed by months spent in bonds until she birthed her baby. And then she’d have to watch as they took the knife into their hands…

  She couldn’t believe they would do such a thing, but with their world at stake, they may be driven to do just about anything to release the Old Magic, maybe even take the knife to her themselves, as they were supposed to do.

  Aster decided it was best not to confront them at all until Oleander was handled. With Mama Iris here, she at least had a fellow witch’s wisdom in her corner, and she intended to meet with the old woman tomorrow to discuss her options.

  She tiptoed into the bedroom she shared with Ruby, hoping not to disturb the sleeping girl, but a lamp flicked on and Aster jumped and banged her elbow on the dresser. “Ow! Ruby?”

  The other girl sat in the corner on the threadbare recliner. Dark circles ringed her eyes, which looked puffed from crying, and her hair stood up in the crazy spikes and cowlicks of someone who had tossed and turned for several hours before giving up on sleep. Aster noticed her arm was covered in a big white bandage. Little rosettes of blood had seeped through the gauze.

  “What happened to your arm?” Aster asked.

  “So you’re too good for helping out around here, and you’re also too good for curfew?” The words lacked Ruby’s dark humor and Aster felt her guard rise. She’d been expecting this all day.

  “Ruby, I was told to stay away. Ivy doesn’t want me here. You have to know that I wouldn’t just leave you here without reason.”

  There was so much more she wanted to say, but Ruby was like a steel trap with a very loose trigger. If Aster started in too soon and with too much, Ruby would pounce and tear her to pieces.

  “Uh-huh.” Ruby looked away, her jaw trembling. It was as if she wanted to believe Aster but wanted more to hold onto her rage. “So you were with him, I guess?”

  “Part of the time, yes.”

  “I suppose you two are a real couple now?” The word “couple” shot out of her mouth like a ball of phlegm.

  “Yes, but I thought we already talked about this. Is this why you’re so upset right now?”

  “Don’t act like you haven’t been thinking or feeling the things I’ve been feeling. There’s something different about us, and you know it! I thought we could have been…” She looked down. Tears spilled from her eyes and she punched her thigh. “God, why does this have to be so goddamn hard?”

  Aster went to her and kneeled, placing her hands on Ruby’s. “There is something different about us. We’re kindred spirits.”

  Relief filled Ruby’s tear-streaked face. She leaned forward and cupped Aster’s face in her hands. “I’m so glad you said that.” She kissed Aster, her lips as open and hungry as Bryon’s had been earlier. But as much as Aster wanted to lose herself in it and forget everything plaguing her mind and heart, she had to stop dividing herself this way or she’d risk losing th
e two people she cared about most right now.

  “We can’t do this. It wouldn’t be right…”

  Ruby frowned. “Why? Because I’m a girl? I thought you had more courage than that.”

  “No! I’m talking about loyalty! Don’t you understand that this is hard and confusing for me? I care for both of you. But I need you more as my friend right now, Ruby. I can’t be two things at once and I can’t betray either of you.”

  Ruby began to sob anew and she covered her face. “But I thought you loved me.”

  “I do. But I love him too. And I need a sister right now, more than anything.”

  “Don’t make me vomit. This whole house is full of sisters. I think I loved you from the moment I first saw you. And I know you felt the same way. I felt you.”

  Aster’s mind was whirling. This was all her fault. If she’d been honest with Ruby, hadn’t led her to believe that there was even a chance they could be together… How could she make Ruby believe that in a better world, Aster would have chosen her as well?

  “There is so much you don’t know, Ruby. I just need you to trust me. I need you now more than ever to be my friend. And I need to be yours.”

  “Just tell me why it couldn’t be me. Tell me why you chose a guy who probably only has his dick on his mind and would just drop you as soon as you took him for a ride.”

  Aster thought of how Bryon was the first to break their interlude earlier, and she shook her head. “That isn’t true. You don’t know him.”

  “Yeah, you say that now. But they all show their stripes eventually. It’s in the male DNA.”

  “Just stop it!” Aster yelled in a grated whisper and then looked at Ruby’s arm again. “What happened to you? Did you have an accident?”

  Ruby glanced at the bandage and shrugged. “What always happens when I get like this. I go into the shower with my pocket knife, and I try to make the pain I feel inside bleed out through my skin.”

  Aster gaped. She had never heard of such a barbaric ritual. “Does that actually work?”

  “I have twelve scars on one arm, nine on the other, and a few on my legs, and I’m just as miserable as I was the first time I did it. But I guess you become addicted to the sting of the cuts after awhile.” A single tear trickled down her nose and hung from the end for a second before dripping into her lap. “I’m sleeping downstairs tonight. I can’t really be near you right now.” She stood up and grabbed her pillow and blanket from the bed.

  “Ruby I’m sorry—”

  “Just shut up. I don’t hate you, but I feel like I could make myself if I have to lay here and listen to you breathe. I just need to be alone right now. And a piece of advice, I’d get out of here before six. The other girls don’t like you so much right now.”

  Grabbing her pillow, Ruby left the room. Aster listened to her footsteps descend before lying down on the bed to stare at the ceiling.

  She wanted to cry, but she was too tired. The emotional weight of the day dragged her into fitful sleep like a boat anchor. In her dreams, she saw Ruby walking toward her wearing a white dress and holding a red bouquet of roses. The thorns were cutting into her skin, and droplets of blood drops fell onto the white silk. As she drew closer, Aster could see a glint of metal concealed within the roses. It was the blade of a knife.

  -21-

  The knock on the door came just when Oleander expected it would. She had heard the two hussies squabbling above her. In fact, she suspected most of the town had heard it as well. Oleander opened her door to let Ruby in and saw a few other girls standing around in the hallway as well, no doubt gossiping about what had happen. “Back to bed!” she yelled at them before yanking Ruby in and slamming the door.

  It pleased her to see Ruby’s broken face. Broken people were Oleander’s specialty. Not because she wanted to fix them, but because they were useful. “What’s the matter, Dearie?”

  “Everything’s falling apart! She’s with that guy and she says she’s in love with him and I don’t know why I can’t just let it go. But I need her and I can’t explain why, and if I can’t be with her, I’m just going to keep cutting myself, only I’m going to cut my wrists and—”

  Oleander couldn’t handle anymore and she slapped Ruby hard across the face. Gods that felt good. “Shut up and sit down.”

  Ruby slowly lowered herself onto the bed, rubbing her cheek. Her eyes were wide and watery pools. “Why did you hit me?”

  “To stop your blessed blubbering, and don’t think I won’t do it again. Now tell me what you want me to do about your puppy love problem.”

  “Can you make her love me, or were you just making fun of me?”

  Oleander went to her bureau and selected the bottle of potion she’d brewed earlier using Ruby’s tears. It wasn’t a typical love potion, per se, but the girl didn’t need to know all the details. “Right here, dearie. Down the hatch, and the girl is yours. You only had to ask.”

  Instead of taking the bottle, Ruby got up and began pacing around the room again, chewing on her knuckles. “What would happen if I gave something to someone else?”

  That question was unexpected, but welcome. Oleander was never one to turn down the opportunity to work her magic. “What did you have in mind?”

  “I don’t need a potion to make her love me. She already does. I know it. She told me she does. That’s why this is so messed up.”

  Oleander pocketed the bottle in her robe. “Then I guess you don’t need this.”

  “But I need to get rid of him,” Ruby said. “This stupid boy she’s seeing is ruining everything, and I want him to go away!” Her eyes were bloodshot and glassy. Oleander drank in that frantic and irrational hate as if it was lifeblood.

  That was an even better idea than the original one. Oh my, was it ever.

  “I can make him, as you say, go away. It’s possible that she will come to you for comfort, but it isn’t the same as a love potion. She still might reject you or even blame you for what happens.”

  Ruby shook her head hard. “She won’t reject me. She would need me, and I’d be there for her. Who else would be in this stupid place? I don’t care what it takes.”

  Oleander smiled. The girl was hooked. “Good, because this won’t work if you don’t commit. People are going to get hurt from this. As long as you’re willing to accept that and the blame should it fall on you…”

  “Look, I just want us all to be happy. And I know she’ll be happy with me. She just needs help realizing it. Goddamn, why can’t things ever work out the way I want them to?” The girl punched the palm of her hand. Oleander liked that fury. Oh yes she did.

  She took the potion back out of her robe and went to the station of herbs and tonics she had set up in Ivy’s armoire. “You don’t tip the favor of the universe in your direction without risk.”

  “Look at all that stuff. You really are some kind of witch, aren’t you?”

  Oleander whirled around. “You would do best to stop with that kind of talk. For your own sake. Since you are putting your fate into my hands, you defer to me now. I own you.”

  The girl’s lip quivered. “But I was only asking…”

  “You never ask me. I tell you what I think you need to know. Your glib tongue days are over. Or I can dump this out and leave you to cut yourself in the shower alone until you hit an artery.”

  The girl’s face went slack, but she kept her mouth shut. She wasn’t as stupid as she looked. Oleander returned to work altering the potion. Its basic structure was right, but it just needed a couple tweaks. Soon, a salty-metallic odor filled the room.

  “That…stinks.” said Ruby.

  “Your type would think so. It’s male essence.” In reality, it was bull semen, but why spoil the mystique? Once it was done, she shook the bottle and handed it back to Ruby. “Give this to him. I don’t care how you do it, but if you want it to work, that’s how it has to be done.”

  Ruby took the flask. “How do I get it to him without making sure she doesn’t get any too? They�
�re always together. She might want to share whatever I put it in.”

  “The potion wouldn’t have any real effect on her. It’s designed now to only work on males.”

  “Are you sure it won’t, like, poison him?”

  Oleander stepped close enough to back the girl against the door. “If I’d wanted to make a poison, I would have made one. Just give it to him. If you don’t, then you know what you stand to lose. Don’t make me feel I’ve wasted my time, or I will get it back. One way or another.”

  Ruby nodded. “Okay. I’ll do it.”

  “Good. One more thing. If you tell anyone about our little pact, I will make you disappear entirely.”

  After sending Ruby trudging down the hall, Oleander closed her door leaned against it. The dominoes were all lined up, and her temporary protégé was about to tip the first one.

  -22-

  Aster awoke to indigo light in the room. When she looked out the window, she saw a pink band of sunrise on the horizon. The clock read 5:30. After taking a few minutes to bathe herself in the sink and throw on some clean clothes, she came down the stairs to the smell of something delicious baking in the oven. Ruby sat at the kitchen table staring into a mug of coffee. The two met each other’s eyes for a second and looked away. “I couldn’t sleep, so I decided to do some baking.”

  Aster took a seat across from her, trying to search for the right words. It seemed easier to keep things casual. “I never would have guessed you were into that.”

  “Mom ate a lot of sweets back when she was high all the time. I used to bake her chocolate chip cookies in monster batches. Cakes and muffins too when she asked for them. It was all I knew to do for her. My time as an enabler started early, I guess.”

  “You didn’t know any different. You just wanted to help your mother.”