Blazing Fear

by Leisl Leighton

  ‘It’s not him, Prita. It’s Nat. There’s another fire.’

  ‘What?’ Her hand was shaking with fury as she grabbed the phone, cold racing through her. Carter! ‘Nat? The kids. Papa. Reid. They’re out for a ride.’

  ‘No, no, it’s fine, they haven’t left yet. Reid’s heading out to meet the fire trucks now.’

  ‘Where’s Flynn?’

  ‘I’m not sure. Your dad’s going to take the kids to my house and keep an eye on them. But we need every hand on deck. Can you come? We’re heading out from the cafe in a few minutes.’

  She wasn’t CFA trained, but that wasn’t why they needed her. It was a scorcher out there and she was needed to look after the men and women who were fighting the fire. They were counting on her and she wasn’t letting them down. She was wrong before. She might be shit at personal relationship stuff, but she wasn’t a shit mother and she sure as hell wasn’t a shit doctor. She was a bloody good one.

  ‘I’ll be right there.’ She hung up and turned to Cherry. ‘I’ll grab whatever first aid stuff we’ve got.’ She had her doctor’s bag—it had been in her car when she’d run into her burning home. But it wouldn’t be enough alone. Luckily, someone had donated a couple of backpacks, so she’d put stuff in there. ‘We’ll need to take bottled water as well to make sure we keep everyone hydrated.’

  ‘I’ll call Barb. She’ll be able to bring what she’s got up at the restaurant.’

  ‘Great.’ Cherry ran out, knowing what needed to be done without being told any further, leaving Prita alone in the kitchen once more. She looked down at the bunched-up t-shirt in her hand and dropped it on the table.

  Flynn was out there. Did he know about the fire? How could he not if he was outside? The scent of it would be all around if it was as big as Nat said. Was he holed up somewhere, terrified?

  She had to find him.

  But she couldn’t. She had a responsibility to everyone who was fighting back the fire, trying to protect their community. Flynn would have to wait.

  At least his terror would keep him safe now he didn’t have the release of sex with her to set him free of it. He wouldn’t be anywhere near the fire.

  Comforting herself with that fact at least, she turned and ran to the office to rustle up whatever she could use to take out into the field with her to help those she knew how to help.

  Chapter 24

  Flynn slammed the door behind him, the sound ricocheting through the valley like a shot, but it wasn’t enough to cool his temper. How dare she! They’d had a deal. And she’d broken it. What the fuck was he going to do now? He’d been relying on her, on the mind-blowing sex he had with her, to help him deal with fire season and push through his weakness. He’d felt so strong when he was with her, like there was nothing wrong with him, and now she’d done this. And then thrown in his face the worst of his fear.

  Living in the past. Of course he was living in the past. It was all he had left of himself. Everything worthwhile had died that day with Anna. Couldn’t she see that? Understand it? And who was she to throw stones? She who had married a gay man so she would never have to be in a real relationship. What the fuck did she know about real love and how it affected a person? What if he didn’t want to let go of the past, huh? What if he liked the way his life was? Had she thought of that?

  He had a mind to go back and tell her. In fact, he was going to go back and tell her. She might be an amazing doctor but she was a bloody horrible psychologist. She’d got him so wrong.

  Hadn’t she?

  He stopped, hands clenching at his sides, his breath a mad rush in his chest, heart thumping hard. Fuck. He had to calm down. Had to get control of himself. See? This is what happened when you let emotions cloud your judgement. He should have known it was a bad idea to get involved with her. What was he thinking? She was a passionate woman. He’d always known that despite her calm doctor act. She would never have lived the life she had if she wasn’t passionate, hadn’t wanted more than she had. It was what had drawn him to her, reminding him so much of Anna.

  Anna.

  Had he betrayed his promise to her? No. He hadn’t forgotten her. Would never replace her. What he’d had with Prita wasn’t a replacement. It was something else. Something completely and utterly foreign and wild and … and necessary.

  What the fuck was he going to do without it?

  He looked around blindly, hands opening and closing at his sides. He needed to do something. He wanted nothing more than to go up to the stables and get on a horse and ride hard until his head cleared and life had returned to some semblance of normality. Yes, that’s what he’d do. It always helped when things got too much. He couldn’t let this touch anyone at CoalCliff. Just because he was in a bad mood didn’t mean everyone else had to suffer. He would just have to pull his shit together and get through the rest of the day. After, that’s when he could go on that ride, let loose some of this tension.

  But first, he did need to calm down before he went anywhere near the horses. They’d sense his tension and it wasn’t fair on them to make them nervy. A cold shower. Yes. That’s what he needed. He looked down at himself and realised he didn’t have a t-shirt on either. Where the hell was his t-shirt?

  Prita.

  The image of her pulling his t-shirt on slammed into him. She’d stood there, looking sexier than anyone had a right to with his t-shirt hitting her mid-thigh and that dark mane of hair, tangled and glorious, caressing her shoulders and neck. The vision of her made him even angrier, the anger playing alongside his hurt and betrayal, because how could he still want her so badly when she had betrayed him like she had? When she’d tried to trick him? When just the memory of his t-shirt caressing her thighs made him want to march back down to her and put his hands where his t-shirt touched, stripping it off her inch by slow inch and cover her with more than his scent.

  ‘Goddamn it!’

  His voice echoed in the bush on either side of the road that led to his house. He really needed a cold shower now but his mum would be at the house cleaning something unnecessary as she did at this time every day and he didn’t want her to see him like this. He stood there for a moment, skin heating under the pressure of the hot summer sun, uncertain what to do. He couldn’t go back to the house. Couldn’t go up to the stable. Couldn’t go back to Prita. Couldn’t even go to the pool outside the bunk houses as the staff would see him and wonder what the hell he was doing jumping in with his jeans on.

  Maybe he should just head down to the lower dam and dunk himself in the shallow water there. The upper dam was deeper, but after the blaze there yesterday, he couldn’t go there. The lower dam would have to do. The lower one wasn’t as good for swimming, but he could sink down, let the murky water rise over his head and cover him for a moment while he escaped this driving heat. Sink into the quiet and hold his breath for as long as he could until the need to breathe was all that his brain was focused on. He’d done that often after Anna had left him, the cool and the murk of the water and quiet making it so he could just stop thinking. Stop feeling. Yes. He should do that. He needed to get the vision of Prita in his t-shirt out of his mind so he could focus on what his life was about.

  Aaron.

  CoalCliff.

  Living the life he and Anna had planned.

  He couldn’t let go of that, not for her, not for anyone, because to do so would be to betray Anna and everything they’d been to each other. He’d promised her. Promised. He wasn’t a man who broke his promises. Ever. How could she think he would, simply because they’d had the most amazing sex ever?

  No. That wasn’t right. Sex with Anna had been amazing too. It had just been different. They’d both been each other’s firsts. It had been tentative and fast to begin with then grew into something deep and eternal. It was passionate. He’d loved and wanted Anna with everything in him. But it had been a different kind of passion from the one he’d experienced with Prita. A rippling lake as opposed to a raging river. Yes. That’s what he had with Anna. He want
ed the quiet, composed stillness of that passion in his life, not the mess and torment he had with Prita. She made him so mad, made him lose control. He’d hit Bob Thompson for her, had wanted to hit the arsehole who had burned down her house and was threatening her. No, hit wasn’t enough. He wanted to throttle him.

  See? See what she did to him! He wasn’t a violent man and yet here he was, trembling, fists clenched, pacing back and forth with no direction, ready to fight.

  He couldn’t be with her. She made him feel too much. Made him—

  His phone buzzed in his pocket and he swore, stopped pacing. ‘What?’

  ‘Flynn, where are you?’ It was Reid, his voice sounding strained.

  His fingers tightened on the phone. ‘Why? Has something happened?’ Was it Aaron? The last time Reid had sounded that strained was Friday afternoon when he called to say Aaron had been hurt trying to ride Rebel. Had he gone out on a horse to follow Reid and the others even though he knew he shouldn’t? He wouldn’t have been so reckless, would he? Maybe he would because he’d been left behind, alone.

  Damn it, he should have gone with Aaron rather than staying and taking Prita on the table. What the hell kind of father was he? He turned around and began to run towards the stables, the jarring movement making pain stab in his knee. But he didn’t care. He had to get to his son. ‘Where’s Aaron, is he okay?’

  ‘Nothing’s happened to Aaron. He’s with Carter and Tilly.’

  Flynn slowed his pace, aware that his breath was too tight in his chest. ‘I thought you were taking them and Diarmuid for a ride.’

  ‘We were. We were about to set out when Mac called. There’s smoke rising from the bush down in the gully beyond the climbing wall and tree surfing area. It’s heading towards us. Mac’s done a call out for volunteers and he and Ben are heading in now to the CFA to get the trucks, but it looks like it’s bigger than the others we’ve dealt with and Mac asked us to load up our tankers and get them down there ASAP. John’s not here yet, so I need you to drive the other tanker. I know it’s a lot to ask, but can you come?’

  Flynn’s stride faltered, aching knee buckling and he stumbled a few steps forward before catching himself, his phone falling from numb fingers, skittering across the ground. In the distance he could hear Reid’s voice calling out his name, but he couldn’t make himself move. Could barely breathe now that he’d smelled it. He’d been breathing it in and hadn’t even noticed he’d been so mad, his emotions in such chaos. But now Reid had said the word—fire—he couldn’t help but smell it, a faint hint, but to him, it was as if he was standing in a field of smoking ruins, the air full of ash, and he was choking on it, tears burning his eyes as he bent over, hands on knees and tried not to crumble into tiny pieces on the ground. He took in a breath, forcing air into his lungs, but all he could smell now was the smoke from the fire, chewing up all the oxygen. His head was spinning and any moment now, he was going to pass out.

  Shit, shit. Breathe. Breathe.

  ‘Dad?’

  His breath caught, held, shuddered out of him at the sound of his son’s voice so close to him. Then there was a little hand on his back and a face peering at him from the side. Shit, shit, stand up, be normal, don’t let him see.

  ‘Dad? Are you okay? Did you run too fast? Have you got a stitch?’

  ‘No.’ The word was a wheeze past the constriction in his throat, his lungs, but it was a word, and hearing it helped him to unlock his muscles and straighten up. He even managed a smile at his son, yet couldn’t trust himself to reach out and ruffle Aaron’s hair as he usually would. His hands were shaking and were covered in sweat. He shoved them in his pockets and took a breath through his mouth, trying desperately to ignore the scent of burning things stinging the air. ‘It’s my knee,’ he said as an excuse. ‘I twisted it again.’

  ‘Does it hurt a lot?’

  Another breath. A stronger smile. ‘It’ll be okay. How come you aren’t with the others? Reid said you were with Diarmuid.’

  Aaron reached out with his good hand and grabbed his elbow, clinging in a way that wasn’t usual for Aaron. ‘Dad. The fire. I heard Reid say to Nat that if the direction of the wind didn’t change, it will race through the tree surfing area and the climbing wall and keep going. That means it will get in the paddocks where we put most of the horses after the ride today.’ His fingers dug in a little, his chin trembling. ‘You have to save the horses, Dad. You have to. All the men went out with Reid and there’s nobody to move the horses.’

  Shit. Reid needed him to drive the tanker, but Aaron was right—they couldn’t leave the horses where they were if the fire was close enough to take out the climbing wall and tree surfing area down in the gully. The fire set at the climbing wall this morning hadn’t taken because of the rain last night and because the men were keeping a watch out. But the day had been hot and windy and this fire had been started in one of the driest areas of the gully. This wouldn’t be so easy to put out.

  He had to think. He held Aaron’s shoulders lightly, looking him in the eye. ‘I need your help, son. You need to go and get your gran—she’ll be at the house—and then get the others in the kitchen. Rope in the other kids as well.’

  ‘What about Diarmuid and Prita and Cherry?’

  ‘Them too if they want to help. You need to move the horses up to the road. Ride herd on them.’

  ‘I can’t ride.’

  ‘You can hop in the ute with your gran, the others can ride. But get the horses up to the main road and onto the paddock at the upper dam.’

  ‘But the fire there yesterday.’

  ‘Is out and Mac said it only really took out the old tree and a bit of grass. So they’ll have water and grass and they’ll be safer there than anywhere else right now. The road will act as a fire break if the fire climbs higher up the hill. Your gran will know what to do. But I need you to help her, okay? I have to go help Reid and the other volunteers at the fire face to try to stop it from getting here. But I need you to be in charge of saving the horses. Can you do that?’

  Aaron’s chin had stopped wobbling and the panic in his eyes cleared as he nodded solemnly. ‘I won’t let you down, Dad.’

  ‘I know you won’t, A-man.’ He pulled him in for a rough hug and kissed the top of his shaggy head. His son was worried about letting him down? There was no chance of that happening. More likely the other way. He’d almost let Aaron down. Let all of them down because he’d let his weakness almost get on top of him.

  No more.

  He was going to prove to himself, and to Prita, that he wasn’t living in the past. That he didn’t need her or anything but his own determination to get him through. That he wasn’t making decisions based on fear of moving into the future. He’d done nothing but move into the future after Anna had died. Look at what he’d done around here. Everything he’d sacrificed. He wasn’t about to lose it now because fear was making it hard for him to move.

  If his son was brave enough to help save what he loved, then he, Flynn Findlay, wasn’t going to let him down.

  He kissed Aaron again then pulled away from him. ‘Now go. Help your gran. Keep our horses safe.’

  ‘I will, Dad.’

  He picked up Flynn’s phone and handed it to him, then he was off, running back up the hill. Flynn should have called out to him to slow down, to not chance falling over, but that would be babying Aaron when what he needed was his dad’s confidence in him and his ability to do the job he’d been given.

  His son was amazing. The best thing in his life.

  He was going to do everything he could to live up to the gift of that fact. He was going to push past the livewire of fear that was infesting him with every breath of smoke-tinged air, and man up. Be the father he’d always wanted to be. Prove Prita wrong.

  He looked down at his phone. Reid had hung up. He called him as he limped up the road, told him he’d be there, could hear the sound of the pump in the background. ‘You already filling up?’

  ‘Yep. The other one’s up
by the barn. You’ll need to bring it down to fill up—I haven’t had a chance to fill them up after the last fire.’

  ‘I’ll be right there.’

  ‘I’ll be done by the time you get here. I’ll meet you down at the fire face.’

  ‘Where is it?’

  ‘They’re on the fire track near the ridge. The fire was started near where we picnic with the camp kids.’

  Shit. Another place Prita had been to recently. Mac and Reid had called her out there just last week when one of the camp kids had sliced his hand open on a sharp rock when they’d stopped for lunch. Carter had been on the ride too.

  This was further proof—as if he needed it—that someone was after Prita and they didn’t care what they destroyed to get to her. Well, they sure as hell weren’t going to destroy anything further. He was going to make certain of it. He would protect what was his.

  Chapter 25

  Flynn filled the tanker and when it was full, got into the cab and drove as fast as he could towards the mouth of hell. Rage drove him, allowing him to choke down his fear as he drove through drifts of smoke to where the CFA volunteers were battling the growing flames. When he got there, rage pushed him to get out and hook up his full tank to fire hoses then go join those fighting the flames. Even as the heat pushed into him and the roar and crackle filled the air so there seemed to be no other sound, rage didn’t allow his fear to strangle him. He ran to one of the CFA trucks, dragged on the spare gear that had been brought for those who came to the fight later, shoved on a mask so he was breathing in oxygen untainted by smoke, took one of the hoses, marched down to the fire face, and fought like he’d never fought before.

  Fought himself. Fought the flames. Fought the heat. Fought the heaviness of the hose and the fatigue that pulled at him alongside the terror. Not terror of the flames. It had never truly been the flames he had an issue with. It was what they left behind, the scent of burned things clinging to him, making him shiver and sweat and sink into the dark thoughts that brought on the nightmares and self-doubt. With the oxygen mask on, he couldn’t smell the smoke. Only his rage and sweat and the determination that was a savage tang in his mouth, his nose, his throat. He focused on the now. Not the past. Not what was to come. Only that the fire wouldn’t win today. It wasn’t going to take away anything else he loved.