Blazing Fear

by Leisl Leighton

  Her heart thumped hard in her chest, her breathing coming a little faster as his words pressed into her, pushed her, pulled her. To belong in the way he was talking about. To have a place where you fit and everything was finally right and whole. It was what she’d had with her mum and dad. What she’d been searching for all these years while thinking she was searching for something else. The longing was a sob not just in her chest, but in her entire body. But no matter how much she wanted to fall into that longing, to give into its hypnotic pull, to wish to have for herself what Flynn and Barb and Reid and Nat and all the folks at CoalCliff had—a family, belonging—she couldn’t be a part of it. Not unless Flynn accepted what was between them. On the drive from the fire to here, she’d been a little hopeful that maybe he would, but maybe that was her being delusional. There was so much to get past, not to mention her marriage to Chandra. She’d promised to protect his secret for as long as he wanted it to be protected. Asking for a divorce might break that promise. Chandra certainly thought so, and she couldn’t do that to him.

  She couldn’t say what Reid wanted her to say. There was too much in the way. Wasn’t there? ‘Right now, all I can promise is to get him through this.’

  His gaze held hers and then he nodded. ‘Right now, that will have to do.’

  They worked together, swishing water over Flynn in silence. After a moment she checked his pulse, felt his skin. ‘His pulse is better and he seems to be cooling down. Although, some ice will help.’

  A door slammed on the outside of the house. ‘That will be Nat with the ice.’

  Barb came bustling into the bathroom, Nat hot on her heals, with the fluids and ice and—heaven sent—a saline bag and drip. Nat had thought to go and grab it from Reid and Flynn’s stores. Clicking over into full doctor mode, Prita instructed all of them in what they needed to do for the care of her patient.

  She was in the middle of setting up the drip on the pole while Nat and Reid helped Flynn to sit up enough to sip on the juice Barb had brought him, when the bathroom door crashed open, and with a cry, Aaron rushed in.

  ‘Dad!’

  Reid jumped up and grabbed Aaron before he could launch himself into the bath with his dad, grabbing him around his middle, careful of his sore shoulder even in the moment of panic. ‘Woah, A-man. Slow down.’

  ‘Dad’s hurt. Is he dead?’

  ‘Oh god.’ Nat knelt down in front of Aaron, taking his face in her hands. ‘No, no. He’s fine. Just a little banged up is all.’

  ‘But I heard that Chandra bloke tell Gran that Dad was raving about fallen branches and was in a bad way and I thought maybe he was like Mummy and wasn’t going to come back … come back … to me.’

  The last words were gulped out over sobs, almost unrecognisable as words, but the weight of them sank into Prita’s chest, making it hard to breathe, making her stop, as if the breath of the world was held. Then sound and movement rushed in and Aaron was enveloped in a careful three-way hug from his Uncle Reid, Aunty Nat and his gran. Behind them, Carter and Tilly and Diarmuid appeared in the doorway.

  ‘Sorry. I was trying to keep them occupied,’ Diarmuid said, ‘but he slipped away. These two were sure he would come here, so we followed to see if we could help.’

  ‘It’s fine,’ Prita said, just glad to clap eyes on Carter and see that he was fine.

  ‘Is Uncle Flynn okay?’ Tilly asked, her voice high pitched and full of tears.

  ‘I’m okay. I’m okay.’

  Prita jumped as Flynn’s voice sounded too close to her ear, water slopping against the side of the bath as Flynn pushed himself upright, his hot gaze fixed on his son as he tried to rise. ‘Oh no you don’t,’ she said, hands plastered on his chest as she forced him to lie back down in the bath. Thankfully, she hadn’t yet inserted the canula otherwise he would have made a right mess of his arm with the way he’d pulled himself forward.

  ‘A-man.’ He held his hand out to his son. ‘I’m okay. See?’

  ‘Daddy.’ Reid and Nat and Barb let Aaron go but instead of rushing forward, he took a couple of hesitant steps. ‘Are you really okay, Daddy?’

  ‘I’m fine,’ Flynn said, his voice weak and husky, but his eyes bright as they stayed fixed on his son. ‘Come see.’

  ‘Why are you in the bath?’

  Flynn swallowed hard, licking his lips. She lifted the juice and he took a couple of deep swallows as Barb said, ‘You know how I’m always telling you on hot days not to rush around too much and to drink plenty of water?’ Aaron nodded. ‘Your dad didn’t listen.’

  Aaron looked at Prita as if to confirm this was true. She nodded. ‘He got too hot and thirsty, so we’ve put him in a cold bath and he has to drink some juice and water and I’m going to help him out by hooking him up to the saline drip here.’

  ‘Is that bad?’ Aaron asked in a quavering voice.

  ‘I don’t need the drip,’ Flynn said, his eyes firmly on Aaron. She knew what he was thinking, but she didn’t need an act of stupid bravado stopping him from getting better as quickly as he could.

  Keeping her voice calm and firm, she said, ‘Who’s the doctor here?’

  ‘You are,’ Aaron said.

  ‘And what’s the rules about following doctor’s orders?’

  ‘You have to do what they say if you want to get better quick.’

  ‘That’s right.’ She smiled and touched his shoulder. ‘Just like you’re doing with that shoulder, right?’

  ‘Right.’ He turned to his dad. ‘You have to have the drip, Dad, if Doctor Prita says so.’

  Flynn’s lips twitched—a good sign the cool of the bath and the fluids they’d got into him were working. ‘Okay.’

  ‘Good, glad there’s no arguing.’

  ‘Mummy hates arguing,’ Carter piped up. ‘And she’s always right.’

  Prita smiled at her son. ‘Thanks, Carter.’ She wasn’t always right—in fact, she’d so often been wrong lately—but it was lovely to hear his belief in her. She turned back to Aaron. ‘You can give your dad a hug if you like.’

  ‘I won’t hurt him?’

  ‘You could never hurt me, A-man.’ Flynn pulled Aaron to him, cradling his head against his damp chest. Prita’s eyes prickled. Carter sidled up to her and put his head on her shoulder.

  ‘Okay, Mummy?’

  ‘Okay, sweetheart.’

  ‘Can I help?’

  The different colours in his eyes shone intensely in the muted light of the bathroom, but there were no shadows there. No fear. Just concern and the wish to be of use. Heart swelling, she rubbed her nose against his before giving him a kiss on his cheek. ‘You and Tilly and Grumpy could go and make sure Flynn’s bed is ready for him. He’s going to need to lie down for a while. And he’ll also need a jug of water and a glass and a big bowl of ice as well. Can you take care of that with the others for me?’

  ‘I can do that.’ Carter’s chest stuck out as he stood away from her. He went over and took Tilly by the hand. ‘Come on, Tills. We’ve got a job to do.’

  ‘I’ll help them,’ Barb said, her eyes moist, before she followed Diarmuid and the kids out the door.

  Prita turned back to the bath. Aaron had his head on his dad’s chest, staring at her. ‘He’s still hot.’

  ‘Yes, he is. But you can help me deal with that, okay?’

  ‘Okay.’

  As she set up the drip, Aaron helped his dad sip his juice and put ice in the water that Reid and Nat brought in, and Flynn, given no other choice, had to lie back and take their help and act like he liked it for his son’s sake.

  She’d never been so impressed with another human being as she was in that moment with Flynn Findlay.

  Chapter 27

  Prita only left Flynn long enough to shower and change clothes and grab something to eat after they’d moved him to his room and he’d fallen peacefully asleep. She hadn’t wanted to leave him for that long, but she stank of the bushfire and didn’t want him waking to the smell and falling into his fears again. Also, it wo
uldn’t help him if she didn’t eat or drink. But once she was done, and had seen Carter settled into bed in the room they’d been given, her papa taking the bed that had been hers when she’d come back from the hospital, she returned to Flynn and didn’t leave him. People came and went, offering to take over from her, but she refused. She sat by his bedside, keeping him cool and hydrated, stroking his brow, holding his hand, kissing the roughness of his knuckles as he slept, not caring if anyone was in the room to see her do it and watched him sleep.

  Exhaustion did finally creep up on her because she woke with a start, the room completely dark. Someone had come in and pulled the thick curtains across the windows and turned off the light and placed a blanket over her in the chair she was sitting in.

  She stood up, rubbing her eyes and yawned. She was thirsty and her mouth tasted horrible. She turned on the bedside light and poured herself some water, gulping it down, then returned to the chair beside the bed to watch Flynn as he slept. He looked so peaceful in sleep. Like he didn’t have a care in the world. She couldn’t help bending over and kissing his forehead, his lips, stroking his hair back from his face, breathing in the scent of him.

  She’d almost given up on him. On everything. She’d been such a fool.

  She’d said to him that he was living in the past and letting fear rule his life, and the irony was, that was exactly what she’d been doing. She’d wanted what her mother and father had, but at the same time had feared it. Feared being rejected. Feared loss. That fear had made her deny being loved by her mother’s family, of belonging to them, holding herself apart because of beliefs she’d only just discovered were not true. She’d got that wrong and she’d got this wrong too.

  Love wasn’t something to fear. It didn’t hold you down. It was something to embrace. Something to strive for. Something that opened you up and set you free.

  She wanted Flynn. Wanted his love. She’d thought she could walk away and leave him and it would be for the best. But sitting here, watching over him as he slept, taking care of him, she realised that walking away from love could never be for the best. How could she have given up so quickly before—not just on Flynn, but on everything? That wasn’t like her. At least, it wasn’t like the person she wanted to be. The person she should be. A stayer. Not a runner.

  She was going to fight for everything that would make her happy. Carter. Her home here. Her business.

  And Flynn.

  And she was just going to have to make him see that he wanted that too. Needed that too. Because the alternative wasn’t worth thinking about.

  ‘Prita?’

  She jumped a little, her hand jerking on Flynn’s as she turned to face Diarmuid, blinking in the light streaming through the door behind him. Not the dull light of a bulb, but daylight. Had she been sitting here all night?

  ‘Sorry, I don’t mean to disturb you. Carter’s still asleep and I just wanted to see how you are.’ His voice carried across the room even though he was whispering. It made her smile—Diarmuid Brennan couldn’t help being loud even when he was trying for soft.

  She held her hand out to him and he crossed the room to take it. ‘Thank you for being here.’

  ‘You never have to thank me for that.’

  ‘I feel like I’m ignoring you though.’

  He sat on the chair Barb had been occupying earlier. ‘You have a patient to take care of.’

  She glanced at Flynn, her gaze lingering on the strong features she so loved. ‘He isn’t only a patient.’

  ‘You love him.’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Does he deserve you?’

  She smiled. ‘We deserve each other.’

  ‘Good.’ He tipped his head, gaze roving over her face. ‘The question is, will you fight for him?’

  ‘Yes.’

  Another squeeze of her hand. ‘That’s my aingeal.’

  She leaned over and kissed his cheek. ‘I love you, Papa.’

  ‘I love you too, aingeal.’

  He kissed her forehead then sighed. ‘I don’t want to bring you more worry, but we really need to talk about what is going on with this Keith Blake who claims to be Carter’s father.’

  ‘He can’t take him. He’s mine. Samantha wanted me to look after him.’

  ‘That’s true and my lawyer says it certainly gives us a strong case. But we have to go through a DNA test to prove paternity and if that happens, and it is proved he is the biological father, then he does have a claim. We can’t put our heads in the sand about it. We need to shore up our side of things. It certainly doesn’t help at the moment that you no longer have a home and your business has been affected.’

  ‘We’re not homeless.’

  ‘No. But the future isn’t as certain as it was a week ago. Our lawyer says that Mr Blake is already petitioning that you aren’t a stable parent. That your lifestyle and your marriage to Chandra show that.’

  ‘What? I’ve done nothing but give Carter stability since he came to live with me.’

  ‘I know. But you losing your home and business certainly doesn’t help our case if that’s the way he’s pushing it.’

  ‘I have a home. CoalCliff is one of the best places we could be for Carter right now. He loves it here and feels so safe. He hasn’t had a single night terror since we came here, despite losing the house.’

  ‘That’s wonderful. We need to note that down.’

  ‘I will. And in regards to the money, I’ve barely drawn on the money Mum left me over the years and if I can get the insurance moving, I’ll be back to building my business and home as soon as possible and, in the meantime, I’m running my clinic out of the cottage. If he’s going after me by saying I don’t have a roof over my head or a job, then he’s not got a leg to stand on.’

  Diarmuid patted her on the shoulder and smiled. ‘You remind me of your mother when you get feisty like that.’

  ‘Do I?’

  ‘Yes. And with that kind of determination, I know we’re not going to lose Carter to this arsehole.’

  ‘Damn right.’

  He kissed her cheek and then stood up.

  ‘You’re going?’

  ‘Yes. I need to call the lawyer and tell him to put things into action for this fight. I also want to call a buddy of mine who’s a kind of private eye. I asked him a few weeks ago to start to look into this bloke. I didn’t want to say anything, because there might not be anything to find. But I figured if Sam didn’t want him in hers and Carter’s life, there must have been a reason. I just want to see if my mate’s discovered anything that will help us win the case.’

  ‘Good idea. Will you come back after?’

  ‘Later. Reid’s going to take me and Carts out for that ride we never had yesterday. I just came in to check if you needed anything and to have a quiet chat while Carts was still asleep. We don’t want him being upset by this.’

  ‘No, we don’t. He doesn’t need to know anything about this yet.’

  ‘I agree.’ He stroked over her hair. ‘I know you want to be here with your man, but you need to rest too.’

  ‘I will, Papa. In a little while.’

  ‘Make sure you do.’

  Diarmuid kissed the top of her head just like he had when she was little, the gesture warming her in a way that she hadn’t known she needed until then. She walked him to the door and then closed it quietly behind her, turned and saw Flynn staring at her.

  ‘You don’t have to leave.’

  She smiled softly at him. ‘I’m not.’

  He shifted up in the bed, leaning against the bed head, waving away her assistance. ‘No, I mean you don’t have to hurry away from CoalCliff. You can stay as long as you like. If it’s good for Carter. If it will help you to win your case. If you want.’

  Her gaze raked over him. What was he saying? How much had he heard of her conversation with her papa? Not that it mattered. She didn’t want to hide her feelings away anymore. ‘I’m not in a rush to leave. I thought I was, but I’m not.’

  ‘G
ood.’ He reached out and took her hand in his, pulling her close so that she had to sit on the bed. ‘I’m sorry for what I said yesterday. It was stupid and cruel.’

  ‘I shouldn’t have said what I said either. I’m sorry.’

  He shook his head, his gaze never leaving hers. ‘You were right. I have been clinging to the past. To the ghost of the future I thought I would have with Anna.’ He paused, thumb brushing over her hand, circling, stroking. ‘I just didn’t know how to cope without it.’

  She took a deep breath. If she wasn’t going to hide her love away, she couldn’t hide her concern away either. ‘Everyone was so worried about you, Flynn. They’ve been so worried.’ She squeezed his hand. ‘I know you never meant to worry them, that you’ve been trying to protect them, but it doesn’t work that way. If you really want to not worry them, you have to get help. You suffered a serious trauma and you’ve never got over it. You’ve been so strong, but sometimes, strength isn’t enough.’

  ‘I know.’

  His quietly spoken words made her snap her mouth shut on what she was going to say. ‘You do?’

  He looked at their joined hands, thumb stroking, stroking. ‘I thought I had to deal with it alone. Thought it was just my weakness and that I had to do better. Live up to what I had built in my head about Anna and our relationship and her expectations of me.’ He smiled, the smile sad, mixed with chagrin. ‘You know, I had twisted the last moment with her in my head until I made myself believe she’d asked me to never replace her, and I have never wanted to. Until you.’

  Prita sucked in a breath. ‘Did she ask you that?’