The First Touch of Sunlight

by Len Webster

  When Charlotte turned, Meredith peeked over her shoulder to see Sam holding Josh’s hand as they exited the gate. The sight both warmed and brought an ache to her chest.

  “Fatherhood suits you, Sam,” she had whispered before she followed Charlotte down the hall.

  chapter nine

  SAM

  Seven years ago

  Phil: Margot tells me you’re taking Meredith Driessen to school. What happened to your balls? You said you’d never go near her.

  Sam cut the engine and tensed at his best friend’s message. It was true. He had said that many years ago. He checked the clock on the dash to see that he had a few minutes before he’d have to knock on Meredith’s door. He had talked himself in and out of taking her to school plenty of times in the hours since he had last seen her.

  He regretted wanting to be her friend. Regretted knowing that he’d hurt her sooner rather than later. Sam decided that he wouldn’t fall in love with Meredith. He would be her friend. Something he was less than deserving of but craved and needed.

  Sam: I know, okay? I don’t know what happened. I couldn’t say no.

  Phil: It’s the Meredith draw, dude.

  Sam: I’m screwed.

  Phil: Yes, my dear friend, you are. Completely and royally screwed.

  Sam: Not unless we’re just friends.

  Phil: Ha! You’ve been so hung up on Meredith for years. Impossible. Friends are not on the cards.

  Sam: We can do it. I can do it.

  He threw his phone to the side compartment and stared at Meredith’s front door. The moment he walked through that gate, it would be done. His fate would be sealed, and there would be no going back. He’d have to suppress every hint of his infatuation. Bury it so deep he’d never recognise it.

  I can be Meredith’s friend.

  With a nod, Sam got out of the car and stopped at the gate. He placed his fingers on the latch and took a deep breath. Somehow, he believed Meredith would be worth every bit of pain he’d endure. He’d just have to prepare himself.

  Once Sam had opened the gate, he walked up the path to the front door. He knocked three times and waited. The sound of the lock mechanisms twisting had him straightening. Then the door opened to Meredith and her beautiful smile.

  Flawless.

  Just like her.

  “Good morning, Sam,” she greeted and took a step closer to him.

  He sucked in air as the smell of honey engulfed his senses. “Morning,” he said, trying to get his bearings from the fog created by her perfume.

  Meredith closed the door behind her and hiked her backpack onto her shoulders. She let out a sigh that had him frowning. Whatever she wanted, he’d give. Whatever she needed, he’d find. His infatuation became more. So much more. Meredith Driessen had been the force that kept him from drowning. She kept him breathing.

  “Are you uncomfortable with taking me to school? If you’re forcing this, don’t. I’m fine to take the bus.”

  It was Sam’s turn to sigh. “Stop it, Meredith. I want to take my friend to school.”

  He didn’t give her time to speak. Instead, Sam turned and walked back to his car and leant against it, waiting for her.

  “I have to admit I’m a little uncomfortable,” she confessed as she walked down the path, stopping when she stood in front of him.

  Sam put more pressure on his back, shoulder blades digging into the metal surface of the Jeep. “I make you uncomfortable?”

  Her blue eyes brightened, and it caused him to steel his entire body, forcing his jumpy heart to settle.

  Meredith slowly smiled. “I like that you make me uncomfortable. You’re different, Sam. You don’t look at me the way others do. It’s nice.”

  He swallowed hard and stood straight, staring at her. The way she projected her smile was pure and honest. Unlike the boys who lusted for her, he never saw Meredith as a fantasy he wanted. Instead, he saw her as a dream he could never have. The only time he could be hers was in his sleep. Unconscious thoughts were the only ones Sam would have. Fantasies were the bursts of imagination. Dreams were the truth of a man’s aspirations. They differed. Unlike fantasies, dreams led you home.

  Meredith Driessen was what he dreamt of as being his home. He’d give up everything for her. And that was the problem. It would be so easy to give it all up for her. As easy as breathing, as flawless as blinking, and as natural as the flow of running water.

  “Well, then,” Sam said, unsure of how to reply.

  “To school?” she offered.

  He nodded. “To school.”

  Meredith took a step to his left and opened the car door. Sam watched her, making sure she got in okay. He was tempted to open the door for her, but friends didn’t do that. Not any friends he knew anyway.

  When she closed the door, Sam walked around the car and got in himself. He placed his hands on the wheel and stared at the garage door in front of him. His heart pounded heavily against his ribcage, knowing he was within touching distance of her.

  “Are we skipping classes today? Is that why you haven’t put the car in reverse?” Meredith asked.

  Sam turned his head to see her staring at him with a grin on her face.

  He let out a soft laugh. “Can’t ruin your attendance, Meredith. Everyone will know if you go missing.”

  Her grin faded, and that was when Meredith looked out the windshield and mumbled, “And that’s the problem.”

  “What?”

  She shook her head. “Nothing. Let’s go.”

  Sam hesitated. The sad smile on her face wasn’t one he liked. However, he had concluded that they weren’t that kind of friends just yet. The ones who were brutally honest with each other. So his fingers found the keys in the ignition, turned them, and started the Jeep.

  The ten-minute drive to school had been quiet. Meredith kept her blue eyes on the road, and Sam couldn’t help but sneak peeks of her to make sure she was okay. When she’d catch him staring, she’d smile and look back out the window. It was a Meredith smile. It was neither practised nor forced. It was sweet and breathtaking, stealing pieces of him he wished she hadn’t.

  Sam parked the car in his usual spot and cut the engine. He tapped his fingers against the steering wheel and faced her. This time, Meredith was looking at her hands. The scratch he’d inflicted on her had healed and almost vanished.

  “Meredith,” he said, trying to get her attention.

  He wanted to ask her the one thing that had kept him up at night since his almost drowning. He didn’t understand why she didn’t act the way he expected. There was a lot about her he didn’t get.

  She lifted her chin, and he couldn’t look away from her big blue eyes.

  “Yes?”

  He dropped his hands to his sides and clenched them tightly as he tried to control the erratic beats of his heavy heart.

  “Why?” he managed to get out.

  “Why, what?”

  Sam took a deep breath as he unbuckled his belt. “Why haven’t you asked me why I tried to drown myself?”

  Surprise took hold of those big blue eyes and her lips curved. Not into a smile that displayed a hint of happiness but rather portrayed a depth of understanding.

  “I’m afraid to ask,” she replied and reached for her bag on the floor.

  His eyebrows furrowed, trying to make sense of her words.

  Meredith sighed. “I don’t want to know how unhappy you are, Sam. The idea hurts me because it makes me wish I had spoken to you before that night. I don’t want you to confide in me purely because I saw you and helped pull you out of the river. If you ever want to tell me, I want it to be because we’re friends and not because you feel the need to.”

  “I’m not unhappy when I’m with you, Meredith,” he whispered.

  The car filled with unanswered silence. Sam quickly turned away from Meredith
’s sad eyes and pulled the key out of the ignition. He gripped the door handle tightly for a second then pulled on it and got out of the car. He made his way around to the boot and stared at his number plate. He was unable to understand why he admitted that she made him happier. Although it was the truth, Meredith Driessen also made his life complicated.

  Sam pulled his phone out of his pocket and brought up Beth’s messages. He ignored the ones she had sent early this morning.

  Sam: My mother can’t forgive me, and my father won’t look me in the eye. I have nothing, Beth. I have nothing to offer you or the baby. Just stop.

  Beth: Please, let’s talk.

  Sam: I’m not ready to. Goodbye, Beth.

  Phil: Meredith is standing next to you! Why are you staring at your phone?

  Sam turned his head to see Meredith next to him with a concerned look on her face. She gave him a tight smile and gently set her hand on his forearm. She didn’t ask if he was okay. Instead, she took his phone from out of his hands and slipped it into his left pocket. Then Meredith wrapped her fingers around the car boot handle and pulled it open. She took out his bag and handed it to him.

  Her eyes met his. “I’m not unhappy when I’m with you either, Sam. If I ever make you unhappy, turn me away, okay?”

  Sam set his bag down then reached for her scarf and adjusted it until the ends were at the same length. “You could never make me unhappy. I could never turn you away.”

  The concerned expression on Meredith’s face vanished, replaced by her rosy pink cheeks, glittery eyes, and heavenly smile.

  That one smile took away a large part of his heart that he would never want back. He was falling, and he would drown Meredith if she held on to him any longer. Sam knew deep down that he’d break his promise.

  I’ll have to turn Meredith away someday.

  chapter ten

  SAM

  Present

  “Buckled in all right?” Sam asked as he squinted at the six-year-old.

  Josh held his Bumblebee Transformer toy and nodded.

  “Do you know who was with your teacher before, Josh?”

  “That’s Miss D. She has a funny last name, so we were told to call her Miss D. She’s my new teacher on Monday.”

  Meredith’s his teacher.

  “W-what happened to your other teacher?” Sam asked as he stood straight, ready to close the car door.

  “Her baby,” Josh answered in a sassy tone that resembled Beth’s.

  “Oh, okay. Well, are you ready to see Grandma?”

  Josh raised an eyebrow. “Is she going to pinch my cheeks?”

  Kid’s got all of Beth’s attitude.

  “You know she will. Why do you even ask?” Sam chuckled.

  “But she always pinches them,” Josh mumbled and pouted.

  “It’s ‘cause she loves you.”

  Sam shook his head and shut the door. Then he got into the driver’s seat and adjusted the rearview mirror until Josh’s brown eyes met his. They had the same eyes, but the six-year-old always had a glimmer in his. Always sceptical of the world for a prep. No matter how much he could blame Beth for the way his life had panned out, he could never fault her for keeping Josh.

  “I love you, kid,” Sam said, staring into the rearview mirror.

  Josh held up his transformed and had the toy bow. “Love you, too. Let’s go to Grandma’s! She normally gives me a Freddo when I visit.”

  His mother had set the cup of coffee in front of him before she sat in the seat across from him. Maria Michaels had aged in the seven years since his secrets, and Meredith’s departure tore apart his family. Wrinkles deepened in the corners of her eyes as she smiled at Josh. She pulled Josh onto her lap as he ate his Freddo chocolate frog.

  “What’s wrong, Sammy?” The glint in her eyes swiftly vanished.

  Instead of meeting his mother’s focus, Sam stared at the six-year-old. The same six-year-old who was oblivious to how much his existence had hindered so much for all involved. But Sam loved him. And every time he thought ill of Josh’s birth, he felt horrible.

  “Josh, buddy, why don’t you go watch TV while I talk to Grandma?”

  “Okay,” Josh had said before he jumped down from Maria’s lap and raced out of the kitchen.

  When the sounds of the television echoed from the lounge room, Sam exhaled and picked up his cup of coffee.

  “Sammy, you’ve got me worried here.”

  After sipping the hot beverage, Sam set the cup down and met his mother’s eyes. “She’s back.”

  His mother’s eyebrows furrowed as she squinted at him, trying to understand Sam’s statement. “Who is?”

  Sam took a deep breath then answered, “Meredith. She’s back, Mum.”

  “Oh, no.” She stood up and began to pace in front of him. “What did she say about Josh?”

  “Nothing,” he responded.

  His mother halted her pacing and sighed. “Sammy.”

  “Yeah.” His fingers fidgeted as he sat uncomfortably under his mother’s pain-filled gaze.

  “She deserves the truth. Seven years is a long time to believe the lies you told. It’s time,” Maria urged.

  “I had to tell her all those things. I had to choose Beth and Josh. It wouldn’t have been fair to her if I’d stayed with her while Beth was pregnant. Meredith always deserved better.”

  His mother flinched, and then she pointed at him. “Now, you listen to me, Samuel Ethan Michaels. That girl loved you. She kept taking you back when all you had to do was tell her the truth. Instead, you tell her Beth was pregnant and pushed her aside. You deserved her. You were just a coward!”

  “Mum—”

  “No,” she interrupted. “The girl loved you, Sammy. You just let your fear of letting her down win. She was willing to stand by you when it came to Beth and Josh.”

  “And what about my political career?” he questioned, pitching his voice higher. “The papers, the community, other politicians—they’d have destroyed her. I would have never forgiven myself. I protected her from it.”

  Maria sat back down and grabbed his hands. “Sammy, you did nothing but break her heart. You protected her from nothing. If she did that to you, you—”

  “She’s not capable of what I did,” he stated.

  She’s not a monster.

  “No, she’s not,” his mother agreed. “But what she does deserve is to know the reason why you claimed you never loved her. Why you broke her heart. This time, it has nothing to do with Beth or Josh.”

  I can’t tell her the truth.

  Sam let his head fall. “It’s not that easy. She’s already seen Josh. He exists for her.”

  “How has she already seen him?”

  “She’s his new teacher. She saw us together.”

  “Did you introduce him?”

  He shook his head. “I panicked. I didn’t know what to say, so I dragged him to the car to get away.”

  “Meredith would never hurt him.”

  “She’s incapable of hurting a fly.”

  “Grandma!” Josh yelled out, interrupting them. “Grandma, come watch with me!”

  Maria smiled. “I love Josh, Sammy, but you’re my son. And I want the Sammy who used to come home almost crying because of how much he loved that girl to be forgiven. You never were the vocal type, but your eyes were more telling than your words. Her returning is your chance to redeem yourself. It doesn’t have to be romantically but morally.”

  “Grandma, you have a visitor!” Josh alerted them.

  The sound of the front door closing had Sam instantly on his feet. He glanced at his mother to see her shaking her head, indicating that she was not expecting more company.

  “Maria!” a familiar voice boomed.

  “I’m coming, Josh!” Sam yelled and rushed out of the kitchen. When he entered the loun
ge room, Sam discovered the unexpected guest staring at Josh. His father’s nostrils flared, and his whole body was rigid. “Josh, buddy, come to Dad.”

  Josh tilted his head at the man by the stairs. “Hello. Who are you?”

  Sam’s father flinched as he glared at the little boy.

  Had to be a curious kid.

  “My name’s Josh.”

  Bruce Michaels raised a hand, and that had Sam sprinting to Josh and putting the six-year-old behind him. Sam was eye level with his father. The same father who had abandoned them when Beth had announced her pregnancy. And the same father who had left bruises on Meredith’s body.

  “Don’t go near him,” Sam warned.

  Rage swept his father’s brown eyes. “I wasn’t gonna hurt him.”

  “Like hell!” he spat out. “Come on, Josh. Say goodbye to Grandma, and we’ll take you back to Mum’s, okay?”

  “Okay, Dad,” Josh said in a low voice. “I’ll go get Bumblebee.”

  Sam turned around and watched as Josh collected his toy and switched off the TV. Then his son walked into the kitchen. When Sam heard his mother talking, he pivoted and faced his father.

  “What are you doing here?” Sam asked, unsure if he had vocalised his question louder than his pounding heart.

  “It’s my house, boy.”

  “Your house?” Sam laughed. “You lost it in the divorce. You don’t get to come and go as you please. If you so much as speak to my son, I will hurt you. You lost your opportunity to be in his life. Remember?”

  Bruce clenched his fists and popped out his chest. “I remember. I’m here to see your mother.”

  Sam shook his head. “Get out.”

  “Mari—”

  “I’m trying my absolute best to control my anger and hate for you. Get out of this house. For all the shit you’ve done, I don’t understand how you can walk around thinking so almighty of yourself. You’re weak as shit!”