The First Touch of Sunlight

by Len Webster

  Your father’s favourite colour used to be blue, like the water, until he knew my favourite colour was yellow.

  chapter seventeen

  SAM

  Seven years ago

  Beth: Do you have your free periods in the morning tomorrow?

  Sam: Yeah, I do. What’s up?

  Beth: Did you want to come hear the baby’s heartbeat for the first time with me? I heard it a few weeks ago.

  Sam: Of course. What time do you want me to come by and pick you up?

  Beth: Appointment is at 9:30. So around 8?

  Sam: Okay, sounds great. Are you feeling okay?

  Beth: I’m always tired, and I’m getting fat. So yeah, I’m okay. I spoke to the business department, and I’ll be doing the rest of first year of university online.

  Sam: I’m glad you didn’t defer. I’ll call you later. I’m still in study hall.

  “Why are you still texting her?” his best friend, Phil, hissed next to him.

  Sam craned his neck to find Phil’s eyes on his phone and only able to read as far as Beth being tired. His best friend’s nostrils flared as he swung his attention back to Sam.

  “You’re with Meredith now,” he reminded.

  Sam locked his phone and set it on the table. “I’m not with Meredith. And I can text my ex-girlfriend all I want. This shit doesn’t concern you, Phil.”

  “If it involves my girlfriend’s best friend, it concerns me,” he snarled. The anger in his blue eyes had Sam balling his fist. Phil had no idea what was going on in his life.

  “Look, Phil—”

  “Hey,” Meredith’s sweet voice interrupted them and had Sam unclenching his hand. She brushed her blonde hair over her shoulder and sat on the opposite side of the table.

  Calm washed over him. Yesterday was one of the best days of his life. He’d spent the afternoon eating pancakes at the Bear Hunt until he had taken her home. It felt perfect until the very moment he got home and saw his mother. Then reality had sunk back in as the truth simmered in his mother’s glassy eyes.

  “Hey,” Sam said almost breathlessly and then smiled at her.

  “You’re an asshole, Sam!” Phil spat out, collected his stuff, and stormed out of study hall.

  “Is Phil okay?” Meredith asked, brows furrowed and a frown on her face.

  Sam swallowed hard. He understood why his best friend would be angry. It seemed Sam was playing Meredith. And Phil had always liked her as a friend. They were friends more than Sam was friends with her. Getting up from his chair, Sam closed his book and gave her a smile he hoped was reassuring.

  “He’s fine. Footy training and all. I’ll go check on him, and I’ll be back.”

  She nodded. “Okay.”

  It didn’t take long for Sam to leave study hall and find Phil at his locker. Sam noticed no one was around them as he made his way to his pissed-off best friend.

  “You know,” Phil said as he rifled through his locker. “You’ve been infatuated with Meredith Driessen since we were thirteen. You finally have the girl, and you decide to get back with your ex-girlfriend. All the while playing Meredith for a fool. I like Meredith. She’s my friend, but she’s also my girlfriend’s best friend. Margot doesn’t like many people. Hell, I didn’t even think she liked me when we first started dating, but she loves Meredith.”

  Sam sighed. “It’s not what you think.”

  Phil let out a short laugh and faced him. “I saw, Sam. You’re making plans with Beth. You’re leading Meredith on. You’re as shitty as your father.”

  “I am nothing like my father!” Sam roared.

  “Then why are you speaking to Beth? She cheated on you, and you took her back. I thought you were done with her?”

  “It’s complicated.”

  “Complicated?” Phil said unbelievably. “The girl of your dreams kissed you. She searched the entire study hall and smiled the moment she saw you. Why the hell do you want Beth back?”

  His heart threw itself against his chest.

  He didn’t want Beth back.

  He wanted Meredith.

  He wanted to see her look for him and smile the moment she found him.

  But he knew, soon enough, she’d avoid him at all cost.

  “Beth’s pregnant,” Sam said, knowing it would shut Phil up.

  “Fuck,” Phil breathed, hand on the locker to brace himself and his eyes wider than Sam had ever seen before. “What … How … Oh, God … Meredith.”

  Sam nodded. “We’ll talk later, okay? Meredith’s concerned about you. So can you walk back into study hall and pretend that everything is all right?”

  “She has no idea, does she?”

  “No.”

  “You’re gonna break her heart,” Phil noted.

  “Yeah,” Sam agreed. “But I can’t let Beth go through this on her own. I gotta choose Beth.”

  His best friend dropped a hand from the surface of the locker. “And when is someone gonna choose Meredith, huh?”

  The swirl of heat in his chest had Sam clenching his fists. “We both know that I wasn’t supposed to be that someone.”

  Phil stepped forward and set his palm on Sam’s shoulder. “You were that someone until you believed you weren’t meant to.”

  Margot: You know, it would have been real smart to have at least told Meredith you weren’t picking her up this morning. She’s just too sweet to tell you what a dick you are. After waiting for you, she ended up missing the bus and got stuck in this morning’s storm. Phil and I are gonna drive her home after first period and before study hall so she can wear some DRY CLOTHES.

  Sam: SHIT. I completely forgot. I’m sorry. I should be done with this appointment soon, and I can take her home to change.

  Margot: Don’t even bother. I like you, Sam. You’re my boyfriend’s best friend. But as Meredith’s best friend, you’re a shit person who she shouldn’t be hanging around. You may not realise it, but you give her false hope. And that pisses me off because you have no idea just how amazing she is. And you don’t see how she stands up for you. You don’t deserve someone like Meredith in your life if you don’t appreciate her.

  Sam stared at the message Margot had sent him. As always, she was right. He never did appreciate Meredith. Not when she had saved his life or when she had kissed him. Or even when she looked at him. He wasn’t even sure if he was capable of appreciating her the way she deserved. Sitting with Beth in the waiting room at the doctor’s was the realisation he needed. This was his life: doctor’s appointments and pregnancy and birthing classes. His life differed from Meredith’s, and he had to stop pretending that he had a reason to be in her life.

  “Beth Lewis,” the nurse called.

  Beth clutched his arm, and Sam tore his focus from his phone to his ex-girlfriend. The concern in her green eyes shimmered intensely. It was the first time Sam was with her for an ultrasound, and the nerves had him on edge. He would finally see the baby. It would be real for him. But not just that; he would also hear the heartbeat.

  “Are you ready?” Beth asked. Her voice held no imbalance. It was practised, as if she were waiting for him to say that he couldn’t do it.

  Sam nodded, shoved his phone in his pocket, and threaded his fingers through hers. His future entwined with Beth’s. He had to remember that. They might never be romantic ever again, but they had to be platonic.

  For the baby.

  “I’m ready,” he confirmed as they made their way past the reception desk and down the hall.

  The female ultrasound technician welcomed them into the room with a warm smile as she brushed her long brunette side-fringe behind her ear. “Good morning, Beth.”

  “Good morning, Alice,” Beth said sweetly as she sat on the bed. It dawned on Sam that she had done these scans alone. She had done a few in the months since she had found out about the pregnancy. Beth had
n’t told him right away. She had apologised and said she had to figure out what she wanted to do before she’d told Sam.

  “I’ll get you to lie back and lift your shirt up,” Alice said. Beth had followed her request, and once her pink shirt revealed her stomach, the nurse laid a towel over her pants. Seconds later, she applied the gel, and the nurse rested the ultrasound scanner on Beth’s stomach and began to search for the baby.

  Then he heard it.

  The thumps of a heartbeat.

  Beat.

  Beat.

  Beat.

  Sam shifted his eyes from his ex-girlfriend’s stomach to the screen. And he saw it. The shape of a baby in white against the black screen. It was beautiful. Sam reached for Beth’s hand and squeezed it. No matter what had happened in the past, this moment made him forget it all.

  “There’s the baby’s head,” Alice pointed out. “And there are the baby’s arms and hands.”

  “Are you okay?” Beth asked him.

  His gaze remained on the screen, completely in awe of the growing life displayed before them. “Incredible.”

  “Beth, is this …” the nurse began to say as Sam glanced over at her.

  “Sam,” Beth said. “He’s …”

  “The father,” he answered, his heart swelling at the title. He smiled down at the tears in Beth’s eyes. “I’m the father.”

  I’m going to be a father.

  “It’s nice to meet you.” The nurse focused back on the screen and then asked, “Well, would you like to know the gender?”

  His heart stopped.

  His lungs decided to squeeze out the rest of the air that had filled them.

  All he did was nod at the small laugh Beth made.

  Sam bent down and kissed the back of his ex-girlfriend’s hand. “I want to know.”

  “Me, too.” She turned her head to the nurse. “We’d like to know please.”

  He glanced at the screen as the nurse pointed at it. All her previous words meant nothing until she said, “You’re having a boy.”

  I’m having a son.

  Sam had missed the rest of the day. He did not intend to attend his English, politics, or maths classes. After he and Beth received the DVD of the ultrasound, he had gone back to her parents’ house to talk. Beth was an only child. When she had revealed her pregnancy, her parents had been supportive, but they had made it clear she had to finish university for their financial support. He was relieved to hear they had some help in raising a child. For Sam, he could access his inheritance from his late grandfather now that he was eighteen. Although he had planned to use the twenty grand towards university to avoid a large HEC debt, his son was more important.

  As he and Beth spent the day together, he remembered all the reasons he had loved her. The way she laughed and made awful jokes. She’d been the girlfriend he wished to use to get over his Meredith Driessen infatuation. Beth had shown him the spare room that would be their son’s room. Right next to hers and away from her parents. Next week, they’d go out and buy all the things they’d need: a cot, changing table, glider, clothes, and nappies. By the time he had left Beth’s, it was after five p.m. and his mother would be finishing work in a couple of hours. She’d want to know his decision.

  Sam was going to be a father.

  A good father.

  He was determined to be there for his son.

  The beeping from his phone had him picking it up from the compartment next to the brake handle. Sam pulled over and unlocked his phone to read his message.

  Phil: How was the appointment? I called earlier, but it went to your voicemail.

  Sam: It was good. We’re having a son. He’s healthy, and everything looks all right so far.

  Phil: That’s great, man. I’m sorry about Margot texting you before. She got your number from my phone.

  Sam: It’s okay. She wasn’t wrong. I should have told Meredith that I couldn’t pick her up. Did you guys take her home to get clothes?

  Phil: We did. Margot had me drop her home after school, too. Sam, can I confess something?

  Sam: Yeah, of course.

  Phil: After our talk last night, I don’t know how to feel about you and Beth. I get why you’re doing this, but I look at Meredith, and she’s so unaware. She cares about you, and I know you don’t mean to, but you’re gonna hurt her.

  Sam: I’m gonna go to her house and apologise. Then I’ll tell her that we can’t be friends. Stop the inevitable. I don’t want to hurt her either. There’s just no future there. I gotta stop wasting her time.

  Phil: I think that’s for the best. Margot won’t like it, but it’s the right thing for everyone.

  Sam: Especially for Meredith. I’ll stop by her house now.

  It hadn’t taken him long to turn back around and drive to Meredith’s house. The rain had stopped around lunchtime, and the sun was still out. Typical Melbourne weather as they called it. As he parked his Jeep, Sam glanced down at the DVD that sat on the passenger seat.

  He had priorities.

  His son had to matter more.

  Matter more than the girl he was about to leave behind.

  Sam let out a lengthy breath as he pulled the key from the ignition and then made his way out of his car. He shoved the key into his jeans pocket and made his way towards the gate. Once unlatched, he slowly set one foot in front of the other until he was knocking at her front door. After a long moment, it opened, and he straightened his posture.

  “Sam,” Meredith said, surprised. She wasn’t in her school uniform. Instead, she was in a pair of dark blue jeans and wore a red tank top.

  “Hey, Meredith.” He swallowed hard, taking in that small, careful smile she made. Although Beth was the mother of his unborn child and he had once been attracted to her, no one was as beautiful as Meredith was.

  No one as sweet.

  Or as innocent.

  On paper, Meredith was perfect.

  Her one flaw: thinking Sam was worthy of her time, affection, and her kisses.

  Not anymore.

  He’d rid her of that flaw by subtracting himself from her life.

  “You missed class today. Is everything okay?”

  The worry in her voice and eyes had guilt knotting his stomach. It made him feel uneasy. It made him feel like a monster. But he’d be one if he continued with their friendship. Year twelve would soon be over, and the end of high school was looming. He’d never see her outside of the hours they normally spent within the four walls of a classroom.

  “Everything’s fine. I’m sorry about forgetting to text you about not being able to take you to school today. Margot told me you had to walk in the rain, and I am so sorry. I should have been there, and I wasn’t. I let you down,” Sam said honestly.

  What are you doing, Sam?

  You’re meant to be ending whatever this is.

  He clenched his eyes closed for a long second. He was supposed to say goodbye. Instead, he was apologising. His mouth defied his mind. It had listened to his heart, working together to further complicate his life.

  Meredith’s smile doubled the guilt he felt as it latched onto the organ in his chest, making it heavier and more painful to bear.

  “Go home, Sam,” she ordered in a dry voice that didn’t sound like her at all.

  “What?” he breathed.

  She shook her head. “I told you … I’m not some stand-in friend. You have priorities, and I’m not one of them. I don’t know why I believed I mattered. Delete my number and go on with your day. I’ll see you at school.” Then she gave him a tight smile and closed the door in his face.

  Sam stood there, stunned.

  “What just happened?” he wondered out loud.

  After staring at the door for a few moments, Sam retreated to his Jeep. Once inside, he picked up his phone and found the reason for his strange exch
ange with Meredith.

  Phil: SHIT! Sam, I think I fucked up. I accidentally told Margot about you forgetting Meredith for Beth (minus the bun in the oven), and she stormed into her room with her phone. I can hear them chatting. I’m sorry.

  Sam dropped his phone into his lap and rubbed his face with his palms. He should be glad that Meredith had a reason to hate him. It was an easy way out. But his guilt-ridden heart told him there was no easy way out. He’d hurt Meredith. And he hadn’t wanted to.

  But there was no balance between Beth and Meredith.

  He had to lose one.

  And unfortunately, by default, he had to lose Meredith if he wanted to be in his son’s life.

  chapter eighteen

  SAM

  Present

  Sam’s eyes roamed the speech he had written for Minister for Roads Gary Howard. Just a routine platform speech Sam had to write. It wasn’t that difficult, considering it had the same points and key arguments as the last speech Gary had done in Toorak several months back. The Minister’s platform was a new freeway that would link the outer suburbs to the inner city neighbourhoods. It was going to cost the state government millions, but for efficiency and congestion, this project would ease the traffic travelling in and out of the city. The only problem was convincing homeowners to sell their houses to the state in order to demolish them and use their land. It was tricky, and it was highly disliked by many, but the Labor government needed that asset. And for Sam, he was sure the speech he’d written would appeal to many motorists.

  Sam had locked himself in his office all weekend to perfect it. From the tone to the particular words used, he had to be careful to ensure that Minister Howard didn’t sound ignorant or like a complete asshole. Overall, Sam was happy with it. It would need a little tweak in the middle so that the speech flowed, but he was done. And as a reward, he sat back in his leather desk chair and breathed out, allowing himself several minutes of relaxation before he went back to it.