The First Touch of Sunlight

by Len Webster

  Phil loved her just as much as Margot loved him.

  It was mutual.

  It was real.

  And Meredith wanted that.

  “I’ll be back,” she told her parents and gave them a somewhat happy smile. It was definitely forced. When she made it to Margot and Phil, their parents had their cameras pointed in their direction.

  Margot snaked an arm around her back and leant close to her ear. “Okay?”

  She nodded. ‘Okay’ was an in between response. It was a pretender’s favourite word. Meredith’s favourite word. She wasn’t okay. Having to line up near him as they graduated from high school was torture.

  It suffocated her to see him smile and be all right with his life.

  She felt as if she were dying inside.

  She loved him.

  Told him so many times and it wasn’t enough.

  She wasn’t enough.

  I’m not Beth.

  “See, Margot, why can’t you be more like Meredith? Look at her posture and that smile. Meredith, honey, you look stunning,” Mrs Hepburn said with a shimmer in her eye.

  She was proud.

  Meredith felt Margot tense next to her.

  It had always been that way. Margot had never lived up to her mother’s expectations. She was never perfect.

  Phil had won her over when he’d screamed, “Why the fuck are you the most imperfect girl I’ve ever met? How dare you not know how to recite Shakespeare to me while you knit socks and brew tea?” Then he had climbed on top of the picnic tables outside the canteen and shouted, “This is Margot Hepburn. If you don’t think she’s fucking perfect, you come see me. I’ll put you all in your place. The girl I love is perfect.”

  Phillip Hall had earned a week’s worth of after schools for the use of the word ‘fucking’ during lunch.

  “Oh, no,” Meredith said as she craned her neck to stare at her best friend. “Margot is the perfect one. Trust me, Mrs Hepburn, you have no idea how strong and beautiful she is. Some of us are ugly inside. But not Margot. I’m so proud of her.”

  They had taken photos before her parents joined them. They all chatted and spoke of how excited they were to be having dinner together in the next hour. Meredith, Margot, Phil, and their parents.

  It hadn’t taken Meredith long to zone out. Her mind sunk into a pit of memories that threatened to drown her. Suffocate her. Deny her breath and existence.

  Suddenly, fingers wrapped around her arm and Meredith was yanked out of her haze to focus on Margot’s serious facial expression.

  “Christ, Meredith, what was that back there? Why the hell did that sound like a goodbye?” Margot demanded.

  “It wasn’t,” she lied. “Your mother needs to realise how amazing you are.”

  She rolled her eyes. “Have you not met my mother? That’s never gonna happen. I’m not Megan, and I’m certainly not Coop. I’m the failure child because I’m nothing but charming.”

  “You’re more than just charming.”

  “This is why you’re my best friend.” Margot smiled then shuffled towards her boyfriend to take even more photos.

  Meredith turned to her parents and smiled. “I’ll meet you guys at the restaurant. Phil will give me a ride. We still have some more photos to take, and it gives you both enough time to check on Dutch.”

  Her father stepped forward, cupped the back of her head, and brought her forehead to his lips. Then he said, “Okay, Merida. We’ll see you there.”

  Her cheeks hurt.

  Forcing a smile was painful.

  Forcing almost a hundred of them was unbearable.

  But she wouldn’t see all her classmates after exams, so at least they’d have pictures of her with them. Make-believe moments they could look back on.

  Every hug she gave and every good luck she’d said had meaning. They didn’t know it yet, but she did not intend to come back. Tonight, she’d pull Margot aside and tell her that she got an early acceptance to Rotterdam University in Rotterdam, Netherlands. It was all thanks to her grandfather, who was not only alumni but also a former literature professor. She had stopped by Margot’s the other night to find that she’d gone out. Instead, she had gone to Margot’s brother, Cooper, for advice. He had encouraged her, telling her to escape the bubble they lived in.

  She knew it would hurt her best friend when she left, but Meredith couldn’t stay.

  She couldn’t remain in Warren Meadows and watch Sam raise his child.

  It wasn’t fair to her or his baby.

  She wanted to support him, but her love had been wasted.

  As Meredith made her way to the graduation gown and cap drop-off, a woman stepped in front of her. She had chestnut hair and dark brown eyes. They were gentle and sweet. They also appeared to have an apology in them.

  “Oh, I’m sorry,” Meredith said to be polite. “I must be in your way. Let me just step—”

  “Are you Meredith?”

  She flinched. She didn’t recognise the woman. “Yes, ma’am. I am. Have we met?”

  The woman set her palm on her chest. “I’m Maria Michaels. Sam’s mother.”

  She didn’t have to say that she was Sam’s mother. The Michaels surname was all Meredith needed.

  Her heart plunged.

  She had thought she’d gotten away with her deflecting Sam plan. It hadn’t been so hard since he practically ran in the opposite direction to her.

  Fake it, Meredith.

  Pretend.

  Just a few more weeks and you’ll be in Rotterdam.

  Miles and miles away from here.

  “Hello, Mrs Michaels,” she said in the sweetest voice she could summon to aid her. “It’s so lovely to meet you.”

  “Mum, let’s—”

  “Sammy, you haven’t had a picture with Meredith,” his mother said gently, shaking the digital camera.

  Meredith didn’t face him.

  She refused to.

  She didn’t trust her heart.

  “It’s fine, Mum. I have plenty of pictures of today,” he said, roughly.

  The flinch her body made was one she cursed at.

  His mother glared at him. “With everyone but Meredith. It’s just a picture, Sammy. Please?”

  Sam groaned as if this were torture for him.

  It was some form of torture for her, too.

  “Is a picture together all right, Meredith?” she asked with so much gentleness that Meredith couldn’t say no. Maybe it was the soft way she spoke her name.

  It was soothing.

  Meredith nodded her head, afraid of how her voice sounded with Sam being so near her.

  “Okay,” Mrs Michaels said, holding the camera up. “Sammy, a little closer to Meredith, please.”

  He sighed.

  That one sigh hurt her more than his words could.

  The air in her lungs thinned the moment his arm pulled her close to his body. She thought his arm would go the moment they were next to each other, but it stayed. Continued to ruin her in every way imaginable.

  “How do you both know each other?” his mother asked.

  Please stop, Mrs Michaels.

  “Just school,” Sam answered.

  “Actually, we had English together this year,” Meredith explained; the break in her voice was so clear that it caused her to shut her mouth instantly.

  She had just added to her own pain, and it needed to be stopped.

  “Oh, that’s nice.” Mrs Michaels smiled and then said, “Done. Thank you, Meredith.”

  “No problem.” She took a step away from Sam. “I’d better get this gown and cap returned. It was so lovely meeting you, Mrs Michaels.”

  She smiled. “So great to meet you, Meredith.”

  One last look, Meredith.

  Taking a deep breath, she turned and fa
ced Sam. His brown eyes seemed remorseful. Or at least, she wished they were. But it was time to stop living a life of pretend with him at the centre of it.

  Samuel Michaels in a black graduation gown and cap—that would be how she remembered him.

  The Samuel Michaels who had graduated high school and was about to become a father.

  The Samuel Michaels she had fallen in love with.

  “Good luck on your exams, Sam,” she wished and then gave him a smile she knew he saw through. She stepped around him and continued until she was at the drop-off table. Then she removed the gown and cap and handed it to the waiting teacher.

  After a deep breath, she straightened her spine and squared her shoulders, walking away from the school’s gym and towards the front gate of the school.

  She had somewhere to go before she said goodbye.

  Staring at the wooden cross staked in the ground, Meredith let out a deep exhale. The flowers by the tracks were fresh because people still stopped by to mourn him. Meredith hugged herself as the cold wind whipped across her exposed skin, courtesy of her graduation dress. The emerald coloured dress hit just above her knees. Modest and simple. The high heels she wore matched. It made her appear taller with her graduation gown.

  According to witnesses, she stood where Shaun had, too. He had stood on the platform, waited for two trains to pass, and then jumped in front of the third. He had left a suicide note that his parents had shared on his Facebook page. It simply read:

  Tell her I’m sorry.

  That I was and am a coward.

  Meredith had wondered if it was about her. If she was the ‘her’ he had written the note to. She liked to believe so. It only made sense that she was. He had jumped off the tracks a few weeks after he’d forced himself on her—took her virginity without consent and ignored her pleas for him to stop.

  Shaun Yeller had taken the easy way out.

  He couldn’t even apologise to her.

  He died with his guilt.

  A train horn sounded in the distance, and she took a small step forward. Then another until the train shot straight past her, whipping her hair in the direction it sped.

  Between every carriage that went past, she saw the cross and the flowers. For a long time after her rape, she had blamed herself. Then, almost a year later, she had blamed herself for not feeling like a victim.

  Being with Sam made her forget Shaun Yeller.

  She might never forgive Shaun.

  But she could forget him.

  Meredith blinked at the wooden cross and spun around. She took long strides until she sat down on the cool green-painted steel bench. Her hands wrapped around the edge, and she stared at the field in front of her.

  Tall green grass with yellow wildflowers poked through.

  chapter thirty-six

  MEREDITH

  Present

  “You’ve reached Samuel Michaels. Please leave a message after the beep,” his voicemail instructed.

  She laughed. “Wow, so formal.”

  Then the beep sounded in her ear.

  “Hey, it’s Meredith. Your voicemail greeting lacks … well, everything. We’re gonna work on that. I’m here at Margot’s party, and you’re … not. I’ll see you when you do get here. I love you.” She hung up the phone once she stepped out of the townhouse and onto the alfresco.

  “Did I just hear that correctly?” Phil’s deep voice had her jumping. He laughed at her. “So you and Sam are …”

  Meredith smiled at him. She wanted to say together, but they’d only spent a week together. It was an amazing week, but he never defined what they were. However, he did appear to be upset about her finding a new school after she’d finished taking over for Charlotte’s maternity leave.

  “Still figuring it out,” she answered.

  Phil’s eyes twinkled, and a smirk appeared. “I like that. Listen, Margot’s had a bit to drink.”

  “Already?”

  “Yeah, her mother’s here,” he explained. “What did you get her?”

  “Her favourites,” she said, handing him the envelope. “A gift card from every store she loves.”

  “Including …”

  “The Cheese and Works. We all know that you are the one who loves that cheese palace and not Margot. Where is she?” Meredith asked, staring out at all the partygoers on the lawn. There were some familiar faces from high school and from the primary school they both worked at, but the rest, she didn’t know. Meredith assumed they were all the people Margot had met in the seven years since they had said goodbye.

  “She’s somewhere down there. You just missed Coop. He and Peyton have gone down to get more ice since Megan’s husband tipped over the damn Esky.” Phil took a step to her right and set her envelope on the table of presents.

  “Megan got married?”

  He laughed. “I know, right? Weird. We all couldn’t believe it when she got engaged. But he’s cool. All right, follow me.”

  And she did. Off the alfresco and on to the grass. Phil had introduced her as “Margot’s best friend” to every single person he presumed she didn’t know. She’d met all different kinds of people. It was strange to see such a diverse mix of friends. Margot was very particular about who came close to her.

  “Baby,” Phil said. “Meredith’s here.” He set his hand on his girlfriend’s shoulder and twirled her around.

  Margot’s eyes had that almost-completely-drunk gleam to them, and almost-completely-drunk Margot was dangerous. She spoke her mind. She spoke her true feelings.

  Her best friend’s nostrils flared, and rage now consumed her light brown eyes. “I don’t want you here.”

  Meredith flinched. “What?”

  “Margot, think about what you’re about to say,” Phil warned.

  Margot pushed her boyfriend’s arm from her. “How dare you come back and ruin everything!”

  The party around them silenced.

  Meredith had no clue what Margot was saying.

  “Margot, you’ve had a little bit to—”

  “Don’t tell me what I’ve had. You don’t know me, Meredith. You have no idea what I’ve gone through in the last seven years. You just take off and leave me behind to deal with the mess. You’re selfish. You have always been selfish! Oh, poor Meredith. Samuel Michaels didn’t love you. Boo-fucking-hoo! Did you really think he’d choose you over the mother of his child?”

  “Margot!” Phil yelled. “You are out of line.”

  She let out a bitter laugh. “No, Meredith’s out of line. She comes waltzing back into our lives like it’s okay that she ran off. Do you want to know how selfish she really was? We were sixte—”

  Oh, my God.

  “Margot, please, stop,” Meredith desperately begged.

  Not here.

  She took a deep breath and shoved her wine glass to Phil. “We were sixteen,” she continued. “We went to a party that she didn’t even want to go to. Shaun Yeller raped her, and she never told me. Kept it from me. Her best-fucking-friend!”

  There were gasps.

  Then some whispers.

  “Tell them, Meredith!” Margot demanded.

  Flashes of Shaun violating her resurfaced for the first time in years.

  Meredith’s stomach churned, and she could feel the bile rising in her throat. She wanted to leave. She wanted to turn away from the hate that consumed her best friend’s face. Margot had known all this time that Shaun had raped her. Instead of keeping it to herself, she’d told Meredith’s shameful secret to everyone at the party. People Meredith had grown up with. Strangers Meredith had just met.

  Her breathing heaved, but no air aided her dry and struggling lungs.

  Wrapping her arm around her stomach, Meredith stumbled back. “Y-you knew.”

  “It wasn’t hard to put two and two together. I watched you leave his room.
I heard him gloat to one of his friends,” Margot said. Then she took a step closer. “Leave my party, Meredith. You are no friend of mine. If you were, you wouldn’t have stabbed me in the back and taken the position.”

  Position?

  “What position are you talking about?”

  “You probably fucked Harry for it,” she sneered.

  It was as if she’d been punched in her stomach. All week, the assistant principal had been singing praises over Meredith’s involvement in the school play. Margot hadn’t received any. Meredith had taken no position, as she wasn’t offered one. She had already started to look for a school that would hire her full-time.

  “That’s enough, Margot!”

  That voice.

  She craned her neck to the left to find Cooper Hepburn, Margot’s older brother, standing there with a bag of ice in his hand. He appeared completely horrified. Next to him was a beautiful, light brown-headed woman. She was almost as tall as he was. From where Meredith stood, she could just make out that her eyes were light blue in colour.

  Meredith had always loved Cooper in a brotherly way.

  But this was not how she wanted to be reunited with him.

  “You’ve always stood—”

  “Stop, Margot. Careful what you say next,” Coop warned. “You just shamed Meredith for being a victim of rape.”

  The ‘R’ word returned.

  The force of the word slammed into her chest.

  Meredith became lightheaded.

  Flashes of Shaun appeared once again, and it made spots of darkness appear in her vision.

  She took another step back and took in the speechless party attendees. They sympathised with her. Saw her as a victim. As pathetic. Some even had that spark of curiosity in their eyes. Others wore that ‘she must have done something for it to have happened’ accusation on their faces.

  Then her eyes returned to Margot’s, and Meredith saw only fury.

  It was enough for her to turn and walk back towards the townhouse. Cooper blocked her attempt to flee.