A Gift of Grace

by Amy Clipston

  “I know,” he said, taking her hands in his and heaving a deep sigh. “We need to keep reminding the girls of the rules in our community and ask them to abide by them. We don’t need a reprimand from the bishop.”

  “I believe in my heart the girls will adjust as long as we support and guide them.” Tears welled in her eyes as she stared into his. “And I need you by my side for this, Daniel. I need you to believe that this is God’s plan for us and for the girls. They’re a gift to us. They’re the children I could never have.”

  Standing, he pulled off his trousers. He then sank back onto the bed and crawled under the quilt without a word.

  “I keep thinking of that verse you read from Colossians,” she continued. “It said, ‘Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.’” She pushed a lock of her hair back as she studied his eyes. “The girls need our guidance but also our kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Don’t you agree, Daniel?”

  He nodded, and his serious expression softened. “Come here, mei Fraa.”

  Nodding, she snuggled under the quilt, and he snuffed the kerosene lamp. He pulled her close, wrapping his warm, sinewy arms around her. While his lips caressed her neck, Rebecca said a silent prayer that the girls would adjust and that the rest of the community would accept them.

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  Rebecca climbed the stairs Sunday afternoon. The girls’ voices carried from down the hall, causing her to smile. She was getting used to the idea of having her nieces in the house, and she loved finally having her own family nearby.

  Although Jessica had rarely smiled since moving in, she had helped out in the kitchen this morning and even made some small talk about the weather. Rebecca had given Jessica her space and not asked any questions about what happened with Katie last night.

  She hoped Jessica would open up and not retreat back into her shell. However, if she did, Rebecca planned to be patient and let the girl come to her when she was ready. She knew she couldn’t win her over by pushing her.

  The voices grew louder as Rebecca padded down the hallway to where Lindsay stood in the doorway of Jessica’s room.

  “I really think it looks nice,” Lindsay said. “It looks homey with those photos there.”

  “Hi,” Rebecca said, sidling up to Lindsay.

  “Hey.” Lindsay smiled. “Jessica’s hanging some photos and wanted my opinion.”

  Rebecca peeked into the room and spotted Grace and Philip’s wedding portrait hanging on the wall facing the door. Her eyes welled with tears at the thought of her sister missing the chance to see her beautiful daughters growing up. She studied her sister’s smile, Grace’s best feature. “Oh, it looks lovely.”

  “I hope it’s okay that we’re putting holes in your walls.” Jessica gave a weak smile. “I found a hammer and some nails and just took it upon myself to start hanging stuff.”

  “That’s fine.” Rebecca nodded. “I told you to make yourself at home, and I think it’s perfectly fine for you to remember your parents.”

  “Even though you don’t believe in photographs?” Lindsay asked from her doorway.

  “Ya.” Rebecca nodded. “We can make an exception since this is your room.”

  “Thanks.” Jessica’s lips formed a sincere smile, and Rebecca stifled a gasp of delight. Her niece had a beautiful smile, just like Grace’s. Rebecca hoped to see it more often.

  “You’re welcome.” Rebecca scanned Jessica’s room. Most of the boxes were unpacked, and her dresser was covered in framed photographs of her friends back home. The room did look homey, and she hoped Jessica felt at home too. “Your room looks very nice.”

  “Thanks.” Jessica tossed an empty box into the pile in the corner. “It’s coming along.”

  Rebecca glanced in Lindsay’s room and also found it well organized. She, too, had photographs of friends and her parents displayed on the walls and on her furniture. A line of stuffed animals sat on her bed along with decorative pillows.

  “You’ve been working hard too,” Rebecca said. “It looks wunderbar.”

  “Thanks,” Lindsay said with a smile before stepping back into her room.

  Rebecca turned to Jessica and took a deep breath. Remembering her conversation with Daniel from the night before, she knew she had to talk to Jessica and remind her to respect their ways and not share her worldly views with Katie or any other Kauffman niece or nephew.

  “I was wondering if we could talk for a minute,” Rebecca said.

  Jessica shrugged. “Sure. What’s up?”

  “Last night, when you were talking to Katie, you let her use your iPod and you showed her your computer.”

  Jessica nodded. “Yeah. So?”

  “Well, her dad wasn’t very happy, and he said something to Daniel about it.”

  Jessica rolled her eyes. “You’ve got to be kidding me. Is that why he left in such a huff?”

  Rebecca sighed and frowned. “That was part of it. I know it may seem ridiculous to you, but not everyone in our community is as open-minded as we are. We really need you to not share your music and technology with the other Kauffman children. Their parents may get upset about it, and it creates an uncomfortable situation for everyone. So, please just keep your music to you and Lindsay. Does that sound reasonable?”

  Jessica nodded. “Yeah, I guess so.” She then gave Rebecca an unsure expression and cleared her throat. “It would be nice if I could meet some kids like me. I saw a little convenience store up on Route 340 on our way here last week. I was wondering if I could walk up there today and see if there were any other kids hanging out since I have to start working tomorrow.”

  Rebecca’s stomach tightened. Going out on a Sunday was not permitted, unless they were visiting family. Besides, it wouldn’t be proper to let Jessica wander around alone. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

  “Why?” Jessica raised an eyebrow in question. “My room is clean and picked up. I think I deserve a break.”

  “Today’s Sunday. Since we don’t have service, we have devotional time without a formal service again until next week. We usually visit family members and friends, but we chose to stay home today so you two could get settled.”

  “That’s not fair!” Jessica gestured wildly as her voice shook with anger. “I’m not a member of your church, so why does it apply to me?”

  “Because you live here under our roof.” Rebecca kept her voice calm. “I know this is a difficult adjustment for you, but you need to respect our rules.”

  “This stinks!” Jessica stomped out of the room and toward the stairs.

  “Where are you going?” Rebecca called after her.

  “For a walk around the pasture since I’m not permitted to leave the property on a Sunday,” Jessica yelled over her shoulder while clomping down the stairs.

  Rebecca stared down the empty hallway. She considered going after her, but wanted to give Jessica her space.

  Sorrow and disappointment gripped her. She wished she had the magic words that would ease Jessica’s mind and heart. How would she ever get through to this child? Being a guardian was so much more difficult than she’d ever imagined in her wildest dreams.

  Closing her eyes, she thought of Grace. She wanted the girls here.

  God sent me these children to replace the ones I couldn’t have.

  Warmth filled her, replacing the disappointment.

  Jessica needs patience. She’s hurting.

  Elizabeth’s favorite verse echoed in Rebecca’s mind — “Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.”

  “She doesn’t mean her hateful words,” Lindsay said, cutting into her thoughts. “We both miss our parents so much that we say things we don’t mean.”

  Rebecca stared down at Lindsay. “I still remember how difficult it was when I lost my mother.” She wrapped her arms around her. “Let’s give Jessica some time alone to calm down. We’ll ch
eck on her after a bit.”

  Lindsay sniffed and swiped her cheek. Then her eyes were wide and eager. “I’d like to join you and Uncle Daniel for your devotionals. I miss my church back home, and I enjoy hearing the Scriptures when Daniel reads them.”

  Hopefulness soared in Rebecca’s heart at the light she found in Lindsay’s pretty face. Grace had in fact instilled a Christian faith in her girls. They may not have been Amish, but they did believe in Christ.

  Oh, how she missed her dear sister. She ached with her and her nieces’ loss.

  “I’d love for you to join us,” Rebecca said softly, her voice thick with emotion. “We’re going to start our Bible reading as soon as Daniel comes in from feeding the animals.”

  Lindsay gnawed her bottom lip as if deep in thought.

  “What’s on your mind?” Rebecca reached out and pushed a lock of hair back from Lindsay’s face. “You can talk to me. I’ll always listen.”

  Her niece met her gaze, her expression unsure. “Would you tell me more about my mom and her life here?”

  “Let’s go have some iced tea and talk.” Taking her hand, Rebecca led her down the stairs.

  Lindsay stared at her half-full glass of iced tea and pursed her lips. “I know my mom grew up here with you. She told Jess and me a few years ago. But I still can’t imagine my mom in Plain clothes. I guess I just can’t see her as anything other than my mom in her favorite jeans and a striped, button-down shirt.”

  Rebecca nodded while memories crashed over her. It was ironic how she still imagined her sister as Amish, even though it had been twenty years since Grace had worn her prayer Kapp.

  Her niece met her gaze, and the intensity in her eyes caught Rebecca off guard. “Why did she leave? What made her decide that she didn’t want to be Amish?”

  Rebecca took a deep breath, debating what to reveal about Grace’s past. “Your mamm wanted more than what the People could offer.”

  “What do you mean?” Lindsay rested her chin on her hand, her gaze unmoving.

  “When we turn sixteen, we go through something called Rumspringa.”

  “What’s that?”

  “It means ‘running around.’ It’s a time when we’re permitted to experience the world and decide for ourselves if we want to be baptized and join the church or live among the English.” Rebecca stood and snatched a plate of cookies from the counter while she silently debated how much to tell Lindsay. “Your mom was working in the market one day selling vegetables when she met a couple of college students who were working on a paper about the Amish. They wanted to interview her, and she wound up interviewing them about their lives at school.”

  Lindsay snatched a chocolate chip cookie from the plate. “So, she decided she wanted to go to college?”

  “Yes and no.” Rebecca lifted a cookie and broke it in half. “She knew she wanted to go to college, but our dat pressured her to join the church with her peers. She joined and was very unhappy.”

  “So she left?” Lindsay bit into the cookie.

  “Not right away. She tried to hang on for a couple of years, and a few young men wanted to court her. But Grace was never happy. Her dissatisfaction became worse until she finally couldn’t take it anymore.”

  “What happened?”

  “She became obsessed with college. She went to the local library and took out college catalogs and studied them late at night in her room.” Rebecca took a bite of the cookie. “She wrote letters to the college boards asking about scholarships. She wanted to have a job beyond our farm and the market. Once she met your father, her fate was sealed. They fell in love, and he promised her a good life back in Virginia. He said he’d help her get her GED and then go to college.”

  “Why is college bad?”

  Rebecca met her gaze. “We believe that education causes pride, and pride is a sin. Our community doesn’t educate our children past the eighth grade because we believe an eighthgrade education is enough to prepare them for our lifestyle.”

  The girl tilted her head, considering the statement. “I don’t know if I agree with that. Education opens the mind to new ideas.” She wagged her finger. “My dad always said education is the most important thing we do. He said school was our job, and he’d get upset if I didn’t bring home at least a B.” She grimaced. “That’s why he was frequently upset with me. I had trouble bringing home C’s, let alone B’s. Jessica is so much smarter than me.”

  Then Lindsay brightened. “I may not be good at school, but I do agree it’s important for getting ahead in life. Without an education, you can’t go very far in the business world. That’s what Dad always said.”

  Rebecca nodded with understanding of the differences in their culture. “I respect what your dad said, but those are our beliefs.” She pursed her lips at Lindsay. “And you aren’t stupid, Lindsay. Jessica may be a better student, but I can tell you’re a very smart girl. You have a wealth of common sense. Don’t ever let me hear you say you aren’t smart.”

  Lindsay ate another cookie. The intensity in her eyes illustrated she was deep in thought, mulling over the conversation. “I heard Mom met Dad in a market.” A smile formed on her pink lips. “She told a story involving lettuce or tomatoes or something.”

  Rebecca smiled. “Ya. She had gone to the market to deliver some eggs and produce, and your dat was there. Apparently, it was love at first sight.”

  “And she knew then she belonged in the English world.” Lindsay grabbed another cookie from the plate.

  “It wasn’t quite that simple. Your father wanted your mother to go with him back to Virginia right away, but she was afraid at first. It took him a few months to convince her to go. He went back to Virginia a week after they met, and he wrote her letters. He even came up and met her in secret a few times.”

  “Really?” Lindsay’s eyes glittered with awe. “How romantic! It sounds like a love story from a movie or book.”

  Rebecca chuckled at her excitement. She was so innocent and so sweet. “Your dad pursued your mom and refused to take no for an answer. It took him about six months, but he finally convinced her to go with him. It was a very difficult decision for her to make, since her only immediate family left was your grandfather and me.”

  “How did my grandfather react?”

  Rebecca shook her head as the memories replayed in her mind’s eye as if it were only yesterday. She could still see Dat’s face turning as red as a tomato and his brown eyes smoldering when he told her that if she walked through that door to go with the Englisher, she was never welcome in his house again. He said if Grace left the church, she would be dead to him and would no longer be his daughter.

  A frown overtook Rebecca’s lips. She couldn’t tell Lindsay those words; they would hurt her too much.

  “He was furious,” Rebecca whispered. “Your poor mother tried to explain she felt like she belonged somewhere else. She believed God had a different plan for her than He did for me. But Dat wouldn’t listen. He told her she was no longer his child.”

  Lindsay’s eyes filled with tears. “How could he treat his daughter that way?”

  Rebecca sighed. “He was a tough man. I think he believed he was doing the right thing. Our community believes in shunning a member out of love in order to encourage them to come back into the Faith. But it didn’t work with Grace. Her mind was made up. She left and didn’t come back until Dat’s funeral.”

  A lump formed in her throat at the memory of the loss she experienced the day her sister left. The wound was still fresh in her heart even twenty years later.

  “How did you and Daniel meet?” Lindsay asked, wrenching Rebecca back to the present.

  Rebecca wiped her eyes and cleared her throat before she spoke. “We knew each other our whole lives.”

  “So how did you start dating?”

  “At a singing.”

  “A what?” Lindsay tilted her head in question.

  “A singing is a social gathering young people have on weekends. They gather in a barn and sin
g hymns and talk and laugh. It’s a lot of fun. Daniel invited me to ride home in his courting buggy one night, and we started seeing each other.”

  Lindsay smiled. “That’s romantic too.”

  Rebecca gave a little laugh. “That’s how our young people date.”

  “It sounds more romantic than going to the movies or going to a dance. If you’re alone in a buggy, you can really talk and get to know each other.”

  Rebecca nodded. She’d never thought about it that way. However, the girl was right. Riding around with Daniel was romantic back then. She thought he was the most wonderful man in the world, and she was so happy and humbled he’d picked her.

  Her niece looked down at Rebecca’s hands. “You don’t wear a wedding ring.” She studied Rebecca. “You don’t wear any jewelry, do you?”

  Rebecca shook her head. “No, we don’t. It causes pride. Men grow beards when they marry.”

  “Jessica wears Mom’s wedding ring on a chain around her neck.”

  Rebecca nodded. “I saw that.”

  “I have Dad’s in a box in my room.” Lindsay ate another cookie and drank more iced tea. She suddenly looked over at Rebecca and her eyes filled with tears. “I miss them so much I can’t breathe sometimes.”

  Rebecca swallowed a lump in her throat and took Lindsay’s hands in hers. “When my mamm died, I thought I’d never make it through another day without her. But somehow, I went through my daily routine and every day it got a tiny bit easier. Over time, hurt slowly transformed from a deep chasm in my heart to a small wound. You’ll always miss your mom and dad, but someday the grief won’t hurt as much as it does now.”

  Lindsay squeezed her hands. “Thank you for having us, Aunt Rebecca.”

  Rebecca bit back tears. “No,” she whispered, her voice quavering with love. “Thank you.”

  Rebecca watched Lindsay’s face brighten while Daniel read from the book of John. The excitement in her niece’s pretty face warmed her heart. Grace and Philip must have taken the girls to church and taught them about God’s love. Rebecca hoped their faith would comfort them during this difficult time.