by Alexa Davis
“I can’t be the man I need to be. I need to be alone for now, to see if I can ever be anything else.” I nodded at his words and hid my trembling chin behind my arm.
“Of course. You have to do what makes you happy. But, will you at least consider meeting a dog I’ve been training? He’s so sweet and loving and gentle, but I haven’t been able to find him a forever home. People just can’t see past the scars and the missing ear. He’s beautiful, if only someone would look at him properly, instead of focusing on the stupid, shallow shit,” I cursed, drawing a chuckle from him for my unexpected language.
“He sounds awesome. Let’s make an appointment for first thing in the morning, so I don’t get in the way of your day so much.” I clenched my fists. The last thing I wanted was for any time we spent together to feel like awkward exes.
“The shelter opens at nine in the morning. I’ll meet you by the door at nine fifteen, if that works for you.” He nodded and I unrumpled the damp, snotty shirt I’d used to dry my face and blow my nose. “I’ll get this back to you after I have it laundered. I probably owe you a new one, after your chivalry, giving me the shirt off your back and all, but I’m still mad at you, so you’ll have to settle for your own shirt back.”
“Fair enough.” I heard the smile in his voice and fumed. He always had thought it was funny when I was really steamed at him. Not that it had mattered. As soon as he started smiling, so would I, and before I realized what had happened, I’d forgotten why I was mad. It was only one of the ten thousand things I loved and missed (and despised and bitched) about him. I stood and held out a hand to him, but he stood without my help, shakily sliding up the wall until his legs were under him.
“See you tomorrow, then.” I spun on my heel and walked out, regretting every step I took away from him, even if that was all he wanted from me.
5. George
I watched Callie walk away and finally realized how she had felt when I left her in the woods the day I’d reenlisted. The air whooshed out of my lungs, and I couldn’t refill them under the weight of my regret. She never looked back, I knew, because I limped down the hallway behind her and watched through the scratched, milky fiberglass insert in the swinging door.
I rubbed the palm of my hand over the ache in the center of my chest and wondered if I would ever forget how much I loved her. I knew I needed her. But, it just didn’t seem fair to her to stick around. My parents would be hurt, but if I stayed here, I’d never stop looking for opportunities to bump into her.
I licked the taste of her off my lips and limped back towards the shop and my waiting wheelchair. It had been stupid to go to the one place I knew she’d be, but if I could get a pound puppy off her hands and maybe win myself some forgiveness, I was all for it. So, I’d go adopt a dog and maybe even get her to share a meal with me, but then I was done. I would walk way and let her live her life, free to hate me and love whoever she chose. I managed to take the last few steps unassisted and sank into my chair.
I waved to Tucker, who was buying more crap and corruption for his new dog, and wheeled myself out, laughing at the look on his face when he saw me sitting there, shirtless. I could already imagine what he was thinking about what had happened with Callie and me. The wheels slid on a small puddle at the register and I skidded to a stop in front of my brother, who arched an eyebrow at my bare torso.
“I wish, brother, I really do. That’s all I got to say on the matter.” Tucker barked out a laugh and dropped the bag of Blue Buffalo puppy food in my lap.
“Make yourself useful.” I snorted and hitched the bag up more securely on my lap. I glanced back as the automatic doors slid open, but there was no sign of the familiar ponytail in sight. I was so engrossed with what I hoped was behind me, that I failed to see what was coming at me, and almost crashed into a large man in a panama shirt and cargo shorts.
“Oh my God, George! What on earth happened to you, boy?” I looked up and straightway wished a hole would appear below me and swallow me up, wheelchair and all. I looked up at Thomas Drake and feigned excitement with every fiber of my being.
“Hey, Tom, how are you? You look great.”
“Well, I look better than you, that’s for damn sure. What happened to you? You lose your legs?” I chuckled and shook my head.
“Nah, they’re just a little weak still. I’ll be back on my feet soon. I can’t walk very far yet without getting real tired, but I walk farther every day, and that’s what counts, right?”
“How long you been back? You going to stay out at the ranch?” Tucker came back for the bag of dog food, and Tom motioned me to follow him off to one side, so we could stand in the shade and stop holding up the customers drifting into his daughter’s store.
“Naw, I’m gonna give the newlyweds some space, get some work out here. Not easy with the chair, but it makes me work harder to get out of it.” Tom clapped me on the back and grinned.
“I always told you that you could come back and work for me if you didn’t go career, and I just lost a foreman. Why don’t you come back? You can go light lifting until you’re ready to climb ladders again.” He grinned, and I prayed the beads of sweat on my forehead could be blamed on the heat.
I needed work. I had once been awfully good at building all kinds of things for Tom. It seemed too good to be true that I just slide right back into my old life. Callie would be pissed. After what she’d put me through back in the shop, I was playing with fire. So, of course, I took him up on the offer.
“If you can be patient with me while I relearn how to walk, I will figure out how to manage whatever else in the meantime. Can I start Monday? I’m still looking for a place to live, and my belongings will be here at the end of the week, so I’ll need to finish unpacking.”
“Do what you need to do; I’ll be ready for you. I just hope you don’t hate deskwork so much you leave before you get back outside. I always meant for you to learn the business side of things, now you have the chance. Maybe you’ll be my competition someday.”
I shook my head. Half the weight of the world lifted off my shoulders just knowing he thought I was worth bringing back on, despite everything with Callie and my new incapacitated state. I bowed my head and forced back some unmanly tears of gratitude and reached out for his hand.
“I will see you bright and early Monday morning. At your main office?” I realized I had no idea where he was building these days.
“Naw, I’ll send a truck for you, make things easier. You staying with Tuck?” I nodded my assent, and he shook my hand vigorously. “I look forward to it. Now, I better go take my daughter to lunch before she starts to wonder if I forgot.”
My stomach clenched in panic and I wondered if he’d take it all back when he saw she’d been crying. Too late to stop him, I left it up to God and made my way through the lunchtime errand-runners to Tucker, who was much more optimistic about my job prospects than I was.
“She obviously never told him what an asshole you were, or he wouldn’t have offered. She’s not going to up and change her story now,” he reminded me as he handed me a beer. I tipped it back and poured the ice-cold microbrew down my throat.
“Thank God for that.” I adjusted my legs on the couch I was reclined on and tried to make myself just comfortable enough that I could avoid taking pain meds. I’d heard a lot of ugly stories about men getting hooked on their painkillers and I wasn’t about to be one of them. Tuck saw me squirming in my seat, trying to find a comfortable position. He disappeared into the kitchen and came back with his hand in a fist.
“Hold out your hand,” he ordered. I glared at him and he shook his fist at me. “It’s Tylenol. You probably shouldn’t take it with beer, but at least it’s not addictive and it might take the edge off, okay?”
I opened my hand under his and he dropped two extra strength gel caps into my palm. I tossed them back and washed them down with beer. He was right. Not getting addicted didn’t have to mean not doing anything at all. My legs were still antsy, but I figured I had
probably bought myself a couple of hours extra of no Vicodin once they kicked in.
Now, I had a job, I’d pissed off and then chased off the only woman I had ever loved, and was looking for an apartment online with Tuck’s laptop across my aching legs. I finished my beer just in time for my overly generous brother to switch out my empty for a new bottle. My to-do list was looking pretty damn good, I had to admit.
I almost forgot about my appointment the next morning with Callie, but made sure I set an alarm to wake up to. I went ahead and took the godforsaken pills the VA hospital had loaded me up with so I could sleep and lay in bed until they kicked in, thinking about the way Callie had tasted when we kissed, salty from the tears, with the same sweetness underneath that I couldn’t forget, no matter how hard I tried.
6. Callie
I tried to settle my thoughts by going over my talking points for my TAWSAD appointment with George. I knew he was fiercely independent and worried that he’d push himself too hard, too far, without a constant companion. I was also stunned that my father had asked George to go work for him at his construction company while George was sitting in front of him in a wheelchair.
Dad had reminded me repeatedly how resilient and strong my ex-fiancé was. My only argument was to gape like a fish in a boat and repeat “wheelchair,” like it was my new mantra. In the end, Dad had promised to keep him behind a desk unless it was clear that he was completely healed from at least the physical injuries he’d sustained. I fought to relax and block the memory of how good his hard muscles had felt under my fingers, the curl of his chest hair around my fingers as I dug my fingernails into his skin.
There had been a time when I had traced every tattoo on his shoulders and back with my tongue as we had explored each other’s bodies for days on end. Now, he was a stranger in a body I was too familiar with. I had to convince him that he didn’t have to be alone, but I worried that even if I managed, the woman he’d hold in his arms, who would be the one to run her fingers through his unkempt hair and stare into his hazel eyes, would not be me.
I rolled over on my side, the ache between my legs echoed by the empty feeling in my chest and the headache forming behind my eyes. The sun peeked in around the edges of my curtains, and I cursed out loud to the empty room. I was getting tired of being tired and lonely. I had to set my bruised heart and ego free. I edged my feet out of the covers and sat up as my feet reached for the floor. I didn’t know how not to love him, but I would stop trying to convince him that he could love me.
My tears were instantly washed from my face by the rainfall of the shower. I dried and dressed deliberately and professionally and left my hair down, knowing he preferred my customary (lazy) messy ponytail. I had no stomach for breakfast, but added cream to my coffee and called it good enough to get me through the morning. No matter how much I dragged my feet, it seemed that I was accomplishing every task in record time, and before I knew it, I was on the road, headed toward the shelter.
I called ahead and reminded Shaylen to put Xavi in the middle of the pups to be shown to George, and stopped briefly at the shop for a few bags of dog food and boxes of treats to donate to the shelter. When I arrived at the shelter, George was sitting outside, a lit cigarette in his hand. I arched an eyebrow and he put it out in the outdoor ashtray with a wry smile.
“I thought I had quit for good until all this came down. Now I keep finding reasons to have just one more. The worst part is that the docs say that smoking makes the pain worse. What the hell, right?”
I shrugged noncommittally and held the door for him without answering. I didn’t know what to say, and it wasn’t any of my business what he did now, anyway.
George was the most nervous I’d seen him since he reappeared in my life, and it was rubbing off on me. I knew if he wasn’t careful, it would rub off on the dogs, too. I brought him a water and tried to make small talk with him to calm him down while Shaylen brought the dogs to the holding pen right outside the door of the room we were in.
“So, George, we’re going to introduce you to some good dogs who can help with anxiety, high stress situations, and can assist you with feeling and staying calm when the world gets to be a little much for you. These guys have already been trained to help in general ways, and when you meet the dog that is a good fit for you as a partner, you train together to make both your lives peaceful, calm, and low stress.” George nodded his understanding and kept rubbing his hands together. There was no way he could meet the puppy candidates in the state of mind he was in.
I excused myself and jogged into the kneel area. I found a pretty little hound dog that had been at the shelter for almost a year and had been amazingly successful at bringing dogs out of their shells and calming upset children and the disabled. Slinky got her name from the way she wriggled and rolled over at the slightest hint of a possible belly rub. There was no sweeter dog in the world, and I had been tempted more times than I dared to count to take her home myself. I knelt and looked deep into her sweet brown eyes.
“If you can get him to pull it together, I will owe you forever. I will bring you treats and rub your belly every damn day.”
“Then you best just take her home. I’ve had the adoption papers filled out for about a month; let me know when you’re available to sign them.”
I squinted up in to the fluorescent lights buzzing down over my head. Shaylen was standing with her arms folded. I looked back down at Slinky, who was sitting with her tongue lolling out like she already approved the move and was just waiting on me.
“Okay, honey, I guess I’m going to take you home today.” I bit my lip. My oldest and best friend, an English Bulldog named Tank, had died not long after George had left. I had written to tell him because no one else could understand my grief better. Three weeks later, he’d finally Skyped from some tent on the other side of the world. It was the only time we’d spoken after he left. His eyes had been rimmed in red, and I knew that even though it had taken him forever to call, for him, the grief was fresh and raw.
We had cried together over my ugly, goofy old friend, until he ran out of time. I hadn’t wanted to move anyone new into my heart or my house, of the two or four-legged varieties. Now, looking down at the happy, silly face staring at me with trust and love in her eyes, I knew Shaylen was right and it was time to give the sweet retriever a forever home. Slinky and I entered the room and she ran to George without a second of hesitation, completely ignoring Shaylen and Oscar, the elderly man she usually shadowed as he volunteered.
The three of us whispered amongst ourselves and Oscar gave me a hug with tears in his eyes, while George and Slinky communed. When I looked up, George was watching me, a worried look on his face.
“Slinky is coming home with me today,” I explained, as Slinky, hearing her name, ran to me and sat like a little lady at my feet, staring up at me.
“She is an amazing little creature,” he admitted. “I’m glad I get to be here for this. I wasn’t sure you’d ever find someone you could love as much as Tank.” I nodded, tears stinging my eyelids.
“How you feeling?” I asked him, changing the subject.
“I’m rarin’ to go. If the others are as friendly as this little girl, I think my biggest problem will be taking just one home.” Shaylen laughed.
“You think that,” she replied, “but these dogs are special, and when you have your perfect partner, you’ll both feel it. It’s like magic…or psychic ability. I haven’t been able to figure it out, they just know.
Oscar and I nodded along, twin bobble-heads holding up the far wall with my sweet little girl lying on my feet, perfectly happy to stay with me now that she’d accomplished her directive.
I held my breath and tried not to even look at George or the first dog Shaylen walked in, a pretty Staffordshire with a bubbly personality and face-splitting grin. She couldn’t settle down and wouldn’t give George the time of day. Next was a calmer, but equally disinterested German shepherd. When Xavi trotted in, he came to me first, and then said
hi to Oscar. I was already ready to give up when he cocked his head to one side and cautiously approached George.
He sniffed his hands and so suddenly Shaylen couldn’t grab his leash, launched himself at George’s face and proceeded to attempt to lick it off. I had never seen him act like that before, and my first thought had been for my ex-lover’s safety. But I didn’t have to cross the room to help. George lifted the Pit bull into his arms and Xavi tucked his big, square head into his neck and sighed, tail wagging so fast it was almost a blur, thumping loudly against George in a staccato rhythm.
“Well, um, we have two more dogs we really should bring in before you make a decision.” Shaylen took over as I knelt by the wheelchair and scratched Xavi’s tummy. Slinky followed me and jumped up so her forepaws were on George’s leg. Xavi leaned forward and kissed her on the nose, and I looked up to see George staring down at me, ignoring the animals wriggling and threatening to send the chair tumbling.
“I think we’re going to call it good, Shay. I mean, let’s be honest; we’ve never seen anything this perfect. It’s not likely to happen again.” I looked up into George’s eyes and continued. “Congratulations. It’ll be hard work, but in the end, I promise you that Xavi will be the best friend you ever had.” George looked at me hard.
“No, he won’t.” My eyes widened in shock before he continued. “No one can ever replace my best friend. No matter how much I try to chase her off, there will only every be room in my heart for one true love.”
I opened my mouth to reply with one of the many scathing remarks I’d honed for when I saw him again. Instead, I shut my mouth with a snap and took a breath. I stood and kissed George on the forehead. It was a smaller town than either of would like to have believed. There was plenty of time to make a scene later. Right then, the only thing that mattered was how happy Slinky and Xavi were, wrestling and chasing each other like puppies.