The Solemn Vow

by Bree Dahlia

  I’m unplugging the curling iron when I hear him come in. I took a long shower, deciding to make an effort and dry my hair instead of letting it flip where it may. Between that, a dusting of makeup, and my favorite sundress, I feel more human and less mouse that a hawk ripped apart.

  I go downstairs to Cain’s beaming smile. I forgot how much he used to light up whenever he saw me. A spark of unexpected anger strikes. How dare he not give me enough time to get over him before pulling this shit? But I smile back, letting it fizzle out.

  “You look beautiful, Maddie.” He gives me a quick peck on the cheek before darting toward the stairs. “Give me ten minutes and we’ll go.”

  He rushes up and I wait, envious when he comes down with a minute to spare, showered and changed. Life is unfair.

  “You never did tell me where we’re going.”

  “And I’m not going to. It’s a surprise.”

  I don’t ask him again, but I do get a raging case of the jitters when we get into the city. It’s similar to the feeling of being out in public with Jake. But it’s not until we’re aiming for the glass skyscraper when the sensations amplify. I’m convinced I turn green around the gills.

  “You okay?” he asks, squeezing my hand.

  “This is the surprise?” I stare through the walls into the art museum.

  He nods. “I got us reservations on the roof. I know this is something you’ve always wanted to do.”

  The rooftop sculpture garden. I can’t do it. I promised Jake he’d be the one to take me here for the first time. I’m aware that’s unlikely to still happen. I’m also aware of the irony laughing so hard it’s puking its guts up all over the sidewalk.

  There’ve been so many cut and severed promises flying around in every direction. What’s one more?

  But still, I can’t do it. I don’t even want to be anywhere near here.

  “Thank you for planning this, but I’m not feeling too well. Nauseated. I really hate to ask, but can we go back home?”

  His jaw scrapes the cement, instigating a pang of guilt. “We don’t have to eat. We can just go up and—”

  “No, can we please go home?”

  “Of course.”

  I feel shitty about canceling, but I know I’d feel even shittier going through with it for reasons I can’t explain, even to myself. We return to the car and start the drive back.

  So much for getting out of the house. Less than an hour doesn’t count.

  “Mind if I pick up a pizza?” he asks. “I’m starving.”

  “Not at all.”

  I call in an order for a place closer to home, so we don’t have to wait as long. Thirty minutes later, we’re sitting out on our dilapidated back porch with a couple of beers and a pizza between us. My stomach betrayed me the instant I smelled it. Fortunately, my queasiness didn’t tag along home, and Cain didn’t question my sudden return to health.

  “Lots of stars tonight,” I say, grabbing a slice. It’s a nice distraction, the vastness reminding me that it’s not all about my tiny messed-up internal world.

  “Yeah, that’s one thing about living out here.”

  Outside with Cain under the stars is one of those memories that will always sock me hard. I know that with certainty, even when I’m old and gray.

  “Thank you for not leaving again.”

  “Cain, you know why I’m staying right now.” But do I? I let the acres of flashing light signals hold me spellbound. My backyard is a firefly meat market.

  “And it’s working, so thank you.”

  “You’re welcome.”

  He leans back, bottle resting on his thigh. “The asshole I was to you, you know that isn’t who I really am, right? I never treated you that way before, and I’m never going to treat you that way again. That wasn’t me.”

  “I know.”

  “It was only one session, but the doctor really punched through. She helped me fill in some holes I didn’t even know were there. I learned how to best process the flashbacks that want to get out instead of coping in the ways that I have. It’s been working pretty well this week so far.”

  “You’ve had more memories?”

  He nods. “Bits and pieces.”

  Wow, I had no idea. “About what?”

  “Mainly my uncle yelling about stuff. Breaking stuff. He thought I played too much and helped out too little. Basically, I was an unappreciative sack of shit that stole everything he worked hard for.”

  He chuckles and my mouth drops. “Cain, that is not funny. It’s despicable. I only suspected before, but now I know he’s the spawn of Satan.”

  “Nah, he was just someone who didn’t want kids, especially someone else’s.”

  “Are you kidding? He’s probably already been sent back to some poor unsuspecting woman so he can inflict mayhem on a new generation.”

  He laughs. “Wasn’t that a movie?”

  “Cain!” But maybe it’s better he can make light of it. What do I know? “What happened the day you found the truck?”

  His face sobers up. “Yeah, that kinda sucked.” He takes a long pull off his beer.

  “You don’t have to talk about it.”

  He shakes his head. “No, it’s all right. Short version is that he locked me in a storage cubby for the night because I didn’t want to go into the basement to clean out the wood stove. My aunt wasn’t around to let me out, so I ended up crying to sleep and pissing myself. Not sure what happened first.”

  “Oh, Cain.” I fear my pizza’s going to come back up. “I’m glad he’s dead,” I mutter. Without thinking, I put my hand on his, and he glances down. I withdraw it back to my lap. I want to comfort him but not give him the wrong idea. I’m so mixed up.

  “Hey, it’s fine. Really. It’s just good that I can talk about these things without having a bad reaction. And I’m sleeping better too.”

  “So, when’s the next appointment?”

  He gives me a funny look. “I told you a couple days ago. It was postponed.”

  “Postponed? No, I don’t remember. Sorry.” Was I that out of it?

  “Andrea called to check up on me, and when I updated her on my progress, she asked if another client could take my next session. Since his is more critical, I said go ahead. I need to call next week and set up something again. But now that I’m remembering and know reasons for all this shit, I think I have a handle on it. Maybe I don’t need any more sessions.”

  “It wouldn’t hurt to keep going to her for a while.”

  He smiles. “If you feel it’s important, I’ll keep going.”

  “No, I mean….” I need him to do this for him, not me. “I should go up now.”

  “Already?” I nod, standing. His lips curve, but this time it looks forced. “Is it okay to give you a hug?”

  “Um….” This is so bizarre. He’s my husband. “I guess.”

  As soon as the words are out, he’s embracing me. Of course, it feels good. His body is familiar.

  “Thank you,” he whispers. He reaches up and strokes my hair, pressing against me harder. My phone rings and I pull away.

  “Good night, Maddie.”

  “Good night.”

  I go inside and swipe my bag off the kitchen table, pulling my phone out along the way. I already missed the call, so I check the log and discover it’s Rowan. I really should call back. We never recovered after our fight. She’d be happy to hear Cain’s getting help and that I’m no longer with Jake.

  I don’t call. I couldn’t bear it. If Rowan’s happy, it’d be misguided.

  My bed beckons me as I near the room. You’d think I’d be sick of looking at it, but with the pretty sheets I put on this afternoon and the fresh flowers I brought up from the parlor, it’s like a whole new haven. I change out of my dress and sink into the mattress, phone in hand.

  I’m not sure how long I lie there, debating about doing a little nighttime text reading when the bedroom door opens. The light from the hall slices through the darkness, and I stash the phone under my
pillow.

  “Maddie?” he says softly. My back is toward the door, and I remain still. I can hear him coming closer. “I’m sorry to bother you. If you tell me to leave, I will. But I just want to hold you a little longer. I’ve missed you so much.”

  Every part of me is locked. I can’t even tell him to leave. Do I want him to leave? He inches up beside me and brings me toward him, his warmth contouring mine. It feels nice. No, it goes deeper than that. It feels like better days, ones filled with starry skies and kind words and connection.

  But I don’t want to feel this way. I silently beg myself not to. He doesn’t make any further moves, just holds me like he said he would. Tears collect under my lids. This can’t be right, even if it feels so good. The tears escape and stream down my cheeks.

  My heart aches for Cain, for what he’s been through, what we’ve been through, but it wasn’t long ago when I pledged myself to Jake. My first love. The one who was also supposed to be my last.

  I start to shake, and he must misread my reaction because now his lips are caressing my neck and his hands are brushing over my bare stomach. It fills me with both arousal and shame. I feel like an imposter. I was planning on leaving him, and now we’re enjoying each other.

  I weep instead of telling him to stop. Somehow the sobs leak through soundlessly. I weep for the man who had my heart first and for the man who healed it. I weep for the pain both of them have caused me and for the pain both of them have endured outside of me. Two men own my heart, and that’s unforgivable.

  His kisses become more urgent, his touch more desperate. The more badly we need this, the deeper my torment. After what we’ve done to each other, after all the shattered vows, neither of us deserves to feel this good.

  In my turmoil, I pretend it’s Jake loving me. I wish for it. And for the briefest of moments, I believe it.

  Until his plea.

  “Burst for me, stellina.”

  I don’t burst. I collapse.

  “Stop,” I whisper. My voice is jagged, cutting as it leaves my throat. I reject him, pushing away even as he struggles to keep the bond.

  “Baby, what’s wrong? Talk to me.” He speaks in soft, soothing tones, but I don’t allow it to tranquilize me.

  “This is wrong. Nothing good will come if we let it go any further.” I bury my face into the pillow, unsure of what I’m saying. “Please just leave.” I hate to see him go. I hate to see him stay.

  He leaves the room without another word, and I hug my knees to my chest, tightening into a rigid ball as the vitality drains from me.

  I’m roadkill. Gutted and discarded on the side of the road, wondering how life can be so cruel. Crippling numbness and excruciating pain shouldn’t be allowed to exist in the same feeling.

  I’ve been ripped open, hollowed out, siphoned dry. I clutch harder to keep myself together for a few more moments, but it’s a fool’s attempt. The tears are leaching everything from me. I have no control.

  More pieces crack. More dirt falls. It feels like my soul implodes and my outer shell crumbles around it. But he’s not here to put me back together and stop me from suffocating. My sobs turn everything into sludge, and I gasp, sucking it deeper within.

  I need the man who fixed me. I need the man who prevented me from breaking.

  My heart needs the man who completes it.

  But he’s not here.

  The last shovelful of earth does me in.

  Buried and breathless.

  A bell chimes and I open my eyes, acclimating to the darkness. I rub my face. It’s sticky and swollen, a reminder that I cried myself to sleep, cried in my sleep.

  I hear banging traveling through the walls, and I wonder if that’s what woke me. A sense of unexplained solace originates in my core and radiates outward, as if I died during a dream and awoke renewed. Not enough to restore completely, but enough to strengthen.

  I’m in the process of discovering where to go next, how to best take advantage of my newfound fortitude, when the stairs alert me to Cain’s arrival. He’s stomping up them, and that’s when it hits me. The banging is back. It’d become such a regular occurrence that I almost forgot it was absent this week. Until now.

  He barrels through the door just as I’m propping up on the headboard. He turns his head from side to side, artificial light illuminating his wild look. This isn’t the real him. To my shock, he grabs my purse off the floor and starts rummaging through it.

  “Where’s your phone?”

  “Cain, what—”

  “Where’s your fucking phone?”

  My throat constricts and burns, like a heavy rope just circled it. I rub the skin, my fingertips heating it further. “I don’t know what—”

  “You say I’m good for nothing? What about you?” He throws my purse to the floor and everything spills out. “You cheating on me, Maddie? You’re the one who’s good for nothing.”

  Oh my God. My stomach is running scared, trying to push through my mouth. “I never said you were good for nothing. What are you talking about?”

  “Where’d you go the weekend you left me?”

  God, acid is everywhere. Burning, burning. “I… I told you I went to Rowan’s.”

  “I know what you fucking told me. I want to know where you actually went. You’ve been pulling away for weeks now. You think I haven’t noticed?” He storms around the room, scanning the dressers. “I want to see your damn phone. I want to know what you’re hiding from me. ”

  Keep calm, keep calm, keep calm. But how the fuck can I do that when there’s so much chaos inside me? Outside of me?

  “I usually keep it in my purse. Why are you acting like this? Remember what Andrea said. This isn’t you. You know that. I know that.” I keep my tone low as I attempt to talk him off the ledge, but inside I’m screaming.

  “You think you can treat me like this, play me for a fool? That I deserve it because I’m not good enough?”

  “No, Cain. Please. I never said that. Never thought—”

  He charges into the bathroom, and I hear shit flying everywhere. I quickly shove my phone under the mattress, praying it doesn’t make a peep since I couldn’t chance the time turning it off.

  “You’re the one who’s worthless,” he yells out. “You want to leave? Go right ahead. I’m not stopping you.”

  My head is crashing around at warp speed, and I’m strapped in too tight. I want to get off, but something’s toying with me, using me for its amusement. I hug my midsection, but it’s nothing more than a false sense of security. Why is this happening? He was doing so well. Maybe this isn’t about memories at all. It’s about me breaking a vow. But why wait until now to confront me? Why show me so much love only to have it end so ugly?

  He looms in the doorway. “You feel it’s okay to lie because I’m not worthy of the truth? Because I’m good for nothing?”

  “Why do you keep saying that!” I lose it, balling my fists, unleashing the scream.

  “Are you cheating on me, Maddie?”

  No, I reunited with my soul mate.

  “Are you fucking another man?” he yells.

  Not anymore. “Yes.” I just want it to be over.

  His jaw clenches. His face darkens. His eyes are… not him. “Get out.”

  He turns away from me and leaves the room, worlds quieter than how he entered. As soon as I hear the creak, I scramble out of bed and dart for the closet. I throw as much as I can into a duffel bag, grab my portfolio, pack up my purse, and then make a beeline for the bathroom.

  Shit! My phone rings from the mattress. I run over and pull it out, thanking God for the timing, at least.

  Rowan again.

  This time I hit Accept, running for the bathroom and locking it.

  “Finally, Mads. I’m so glad you’re still up. Listen, I need—”

  “Did you tell Cain I wasn’t with you, that I was with Jake?”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Last weekend. Did. You. Tell. Cain?” I pull a plastic bag
from under the sink and swipe a counterful of stuff into it. Not the time to be selective.

  “I haven’t talked to Cain since I stayed at your house. I don’t get—who is that yelling?”

  Cain is coming back up, ranting. “Hold on. Don’t say anything.”

  He pounds on the door. “What the fuck’s taking so long? You wanted to leave, so fucking leave already. Get your worthless cheating ass out of my house.”

  “I’m leaving,” I hiss, and I hear Rowan do the same. When I know he’s gone—our rickety stairs hold no secrets—I let out an “Okay.”

  “Oh my God,” she whispers. “What the hell was that?”

  “That was Cain winding down.” He didn’t sound as angry this time. “Now, you swear he didn’t find out about Jake and me through you?”

  “I swear, Mads. I’ve been calling to apologize, but now I really need to say sorry. I cannot believe my ears. I have so many questions. I—”

  “Not now. I need to get out of here. I’ll talk to you later, okay? As you heard, I have to get my worthless cheating ass out of the house.”

  “Come here. Stay with me. Don’t go to—”

  “I’ll call you from the car.”

  I disconnect. There’s a lot she doesn’t know, a lot I’m ashamed to tell her. I haven’t had the time to make any decisions about where I’m going or what I’m doing.

  I’m about to turn off the phone and shove it into my bra when a text comes in.

  She’s not pregnant.

  I laugh. I fucking laugh. The universe has a warped sense of humor. It waited for the perfect time to deliver me a giant FU.

  I grab my stuff, wishing I could jump from the window or take any other route besides the stairs. There’s no avoiding it, so I do my breathing and leave the room. I pause when I see Cain at the bottom, head down between his knees. I kick my uneasiness aside, make use of my muscles, and step down. I’m expecting more angry insults when he notices me, but the sooner I’m out, the sooner it’s over.

  I’m one foot past him when he lifts his head and stares at me with bloodshot eyes. He looks like he burned himself from the inside out.