Uncle John’s Briefs

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  But after you’ve soaped up your mirror, don’t forget the important “wiping off” step. If you don’t, it mirror won’t steam up, but you still won’t be able to see yourself in it because you’ll have a layer of dried soap all over it.

  No place in Florida is farther than 80 miles from the ocean, yet there are over 1,000,000 swimming pools in the state.

  ODD SUPERHEROES

  But are they really any odder than a guy who wears his red underwear over his blue tights or a guy who shoots goo out of his wrists?

  BOUNCING BOY. First appearing in a 1961 Action comic, Chuck Taine drank what he thought was a bottle of soda, but it was really a “super-plastic fluid” that gives him the ability to turn into a gigantic bouncing ball. He even gets to join the Legion of Superheroes (sidekicks of Superboy) along with other uniquely powered characters, such as Matter-Eater Lad (his superpower: He can eat anything).

  ZSAZSA ZATURNNAH. By day, Ada is the meek owner of a beauty salon in a small town in the Philippines (where the comic originates). At night, he eats a piece of magic rock and transforms himself into Zsazsa, a muscular, curvaceous, crime-fighting woman.

  SUPER PRESIDENT. On this 1967 cartoon show, American President James Norcross gets caught in a “cosmic storm” and gains the ability to turn himself into steel, water, stone, or electricity.

  SUPERDUPONT. Satirizing French stereotypes, this 1972 French-made superhero is a snooty, mustachioed Frenchman who wears a beret, carries a baguette, drinks red wine, and smokes Gauloise cigarettes. He flies around foiling the schemes of an enemy organization called “Anti-France.”

  LEECH. His parents abandoned him at birth because he had green skin and hollow eyes. Even his superhero friends (Leech is a minor character in X-Men comics) avoid him because his power is to negate the powers of those around him.

  AQUANUS. An Indonesian version of Aquaman, he can breathe underwater and communicate with fish. But he can do something Aquaman can’t—he can shoot rainbows from his belt.

  GENERATION TESLA. In this 1995 Serbian comic, inventor Nikola Tesla transports himself to another dimension and reanimates a bunch of dead people and gives them all superpowers.

  SPEAKING “TOURIST”

  Here at the BRI, we have nothing but respect for park rangers. Not only do they brave bears, avalanches, and forest fires, they cope with a little-understood phenomenon called “tourists.” Here are some of the silliest comments and questions park rangers have received from tourists at U.S. and Canadian national parks.

  “How far is Banff from Canada?”

  “At what elevation does an elk become a moose?”

  “Do you have a glacier at this visitor center?”

  “Is this a map I’m looking at?”

  “We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?”

  “The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate those annoying animals.”

  “Where does Bigfoot live?”

  “When do they turn off the waterfalls?”

  “There are too many rocks in the mountains.”

  “Don’t all Canadians wear raccoon hats? Where can I buy one?”

  “How come all of the war battles were fought in national parks?”

  “How many miles of undiscovered caves are there?”

  “Are the national parks natural or man-made?”

  “Is there anything to see around here besides the scenery?”

  “Are you allowed to stay overnight in the campgrounds?”

  “Is this island completely surrounded by water?”

  At Glacier National Park

  Tourist: How did these rocks get here?

  Ranger: They were brought down by a glacier.

  Tourist: But I don’t see any glacier.

  Ranger: Really? I guess it’s gone back for more rocks.

  Sesame Street has been brought to you by the letter B more often than any other letter (200+ times).

  NAME YOUR POISON

  What’s the difference between Scotch and bourbon? Vodka and gin? Port and sherry? We’ve always wondered, so we looked them up.

  WHERE ALCOHOL COMES FROM Ethyl alcohol (the kind you can drink) is created by a process known as fermentation. Yeast is added to fruit juice or a “mash” (a cooked mixture of grain and water), and the yeast consumes the sugars, creating two by-products: carbon dioxide and alcohol. But there’s a natural limit to this process. When the alcohol content of the mixture reaches about 15 percent, the yeast loses its ability to convert any more sugars into alcohol. If you want alcohol with a stronger kick than that, you have to continue on to a second process: distillation.

  Distilled spirits are made in a device called a still, which consists of a boiler, a condenser, and a collector. The fermented liquid is heated in the boiler to at least 173°F, the boiling point for alcohol. All the alcohol (and some of the water) boils off in the form of vapor. The vapor flows into the condenser, where it cools back to liquid form and is collected in the collector. The process can be repeated to increase the alcohol content even further.

  All distilled liquor is colorless when it is first made, but it can darken during the aging process, especially when aged in wooden barrels or casks. Some manufacturers use caramel or artificial coloring to darken their spirits.

  BAR CODES

  • Whiskey. The word comes from the Gaelic uisce beatha, meaning “water of life.” It’s alcohol distilled from fermented grains such as barley, rye, corn, wheat, or a combination. In Ireland and the United States, whiskey is spelled with an “e.” In Scotland, Canada, and Japan, it’s spelled whisky.

  • Scotch. Whiskey made in Scotland. According to international law, only whiskey made in Scotland may be called Scotch.

  According to studies, grapefruit scent can make women appear as much as 6 years younger to men.

  • Bourbon. American whiskey of the type originally made in Bourbon County, Kentucky, typically made from 70 percent corn and 30 percent wheat, rye, or other grains. Tennessee whiskey is similar to bourbon, except that it’s produced in—you guessed it—Tennessee. It’s filtered through a ten-foot layer of maple charcoal, which gives it a milder, distinctive flavor.

  • Brandy. Alcohol distilled from fermented fruit juices. Brandy is short for brandywine, which comes from the Dutch brandewijn, which means “burnt wine.” It can be made from grapes, blackberries, apples, plums, or other fruits. Cognac is a type of brandy produced in the Cognac region of France.

  • Gin. Distilled grain alcohol flavored with juniper berries. Sloe gin is gin flavored with sloe berries from the blackthorn bush instead of juniper berries.

  • Rum. Alcohol distilled from molasses and sugarcane juice, both of which are by-products of the process used to turn sugarcane into refined sugar.

  • Vodka. Distilled alcohol originally made from potatoes, but today mostly made from grain. “Vodka” is the diminutive form of voda, the Russian word for water, and means “little water.” All vodka produced in the United States is required by law to be colorless, odorless, and nearly tasteless, which accounts for its popularity in mixed drinks.

  • Sherry. White wine that has been fortified by the addition of distilled spirits. It gets its name from Shareesh, the Arabic name for the town of Jerez in southwestern Spain, where it originated.

  • Port. Fortified red or white wine. It gets its name from the city of Porto in northern Portugal, where it originated.

  • Vermouth. Fortified white wine flavored with aromatic herbs and spices. It’s no longer true, but the flavorings were originally used to mask the flavor of inferior wines. Vermouth gets its name from wermut, German for wormwood, one of the traditional flavors.

  • Cordials. Distilled spirits combined with sweetened fruit pulp or fruit juices. Liqueurs are similar to cordials, except that the flavoring is provided by flowers, herbs, seeds, roots, or the bark of plants. Many traditional cordial and liqueur recipes are centuries old and started out as medicinal products. />
  Number of glaciers in Glacier National Park in 1910: 150. Today: 27.

  “BUNGA BUNGA!”

  Sophomoric clown or a brilliant satirist of British imperialism? Either way, Horace de Vere Cole was responsible for one of the best pranks in history.

  HIS MAJESTY REQUESTS… In the years before World War I, Britain had the most powerful navy in the world. And the HMS Dreadnought, armed with 10 large guns and powered by a steam engine, was the pride of the fleet. Considered the superweapon of its day, the huge battleship lay anchored under the tightest security in Weymouth. Few outside the Navy’s top officers had ever stepped on board, much less toured its “top-secret” state-of-the-art weaponry.

  On February 10, 1910, Sir William May, the ship’s captain, received a telegram from the Foreign Office, signed by Under-Secretary Sir Charles Hardinge, announcing the impending arrival of the emperor of Abyssinia and his court in England. The emperor was to receive the royal treatment, including a tour of the HMS Dreadnought. The captain immediately ordered his officers and crew to prepare to greet the emperor with all due pomp and circumstance. Guns were polished, decks swabbed, and uniforms washed and pressed in anticipation of the royal tour.

  V.I.P. TREATMENT

  But the telegram was a fake—it was sent by a practical joker named Horace de Vere Cole. A few days later, he and five co-conspirators (including author Virginia Woolf and her brother) blackened their faces and hands with burnt cork, glued false beards to their chins, donned long red robes topped with makeshift turbans (all rented), and took a cab to London’s Paddington Station. Brazenly declaring that he was a state official named “Herbert Cholmondley,” Cole talked the stationmaster into giving them a VIP train to Weymouth, where the delegation was met with a full honor guard and a brass band.

  An Abyssinian flag couldn’t be found (no one knew what one looked like), so one from Zanzibar was used instead. And the band played the Zanzibar national anthem, since that was the only African anthem they knew. (The pranksters didn’t know the difference.) The Navy had no translator either: fortunately, the delegation supplied their own, and his translations were so eloquent that none of the navy officers noticed that the language spoken by the “Abyssinians” bore a striking resemblance to fractured Latin. And as they were shown all of the ship’s accoutrements, they shouted “Bunga Bunga!” in approval at everything they saw.

  According to German folklore, Great Danes were once used to guard against evil spirits.

  There were a few anxious moments. One was when the pranksters realized one of the Navy officers knew Woolf. But the officer never caught on. Another came when their “interpreter” sneezed and almost blew off his whiskers. Again, no one noticed. Weather almost sank the prank, too: Rain began to fall as the delegation arrived at the Dreadnought; Cole managed to talk their way onto a lower deck just as their makeup started to run.

  Finally, Cole decided it was time to get out. They refused lunch (they weren’t sure what dietary restrictions might go along with their made-up religion) and left quickly on the excuse that there were no prayer mats for their daily devotionals.

  The delegation was given a military escort back to their train. Still in disguise and under Naval supervision, the “Abyssinians” requested that waiters serving them dinner wear white gloves. (The train stopped and was held up in Reading to purchase the gloves.)

  SHIP OF FOOLS

  Five days later a photograph appeared in the Daily Mirror, showing the “Abyssinian” delegation with their Naval hosts. In the accompanying article, Cole exposed the hoax and ridiculed the Navy for being so gullible. All over London, sailors were harassed with cries of “Bunga Bunga!” The Admiralty was furious, but its attempt to charge Cole and his party with treason (the delegation had seen top-secret areas of the ship) was hooted down in Parliament and the press. After all, as people pointed out, the only “treasonous” thing they’d done was make the Admiralty and its officers look like fools. Besides, the only actual crime committed was sending a telegram under a fake name.

  The Navy decided to not press charges, but still felt that somebody had to be punished. As the pranksters were all upper class, they could get away with a symbolic act to settle the dispute as gentlemen. Naval officers visited Cole and gave him six symbolic taps on the buttocks with a cane. Cole insisted he be allowed to do the same to the officers. Amazingly, the officers agreed.

  During the Christmas season, Americans use their Visa cards about 5,340 times per minute.

  IRONIC DEATHS

  You can’t help laughing at some of life’s—and death’s— ironies…as long as they happen to someone else. These stories speak for themselves.

  BOB TALLEY, centenarian Final Irony: Talley passed away in London during his 100th birthday party, moments after receiving a telegram of congratulations from the Queen and telling friends, “Yes, I made it to 100.”

  RALPH BREGOS, heart patient

  Final Irony: Bregos, 40, spent more than two years wondering if a suitable donor heart would ever become available. Finally in 1997, doctors told him that one had been found. Bregos became so excited at the news that he suffered a massive heart attack and died.

  STANLEY GOLDMAN, candidate for mayor of Hollywood

  Final Irony: At a campaign stop, Goldman chided his opponent for being “too old for the job.” Moments later, he dropped dead from a heart attack.

  ROBERT SHOVESTALL, gun enthusiast in Glendale, California

  Final Irony: Shovestall, 37, died from an accidental gunshot wound. According to news reports, he placed a .45-caliber pistol he thought was unloaded under his chin and pulled the trigger. The incident took place “after his wife’s complaints about his 70 guns prompted him to demonstrate they were safe.”

  ANONYMOUS MAN, from West Plains, Missouri

  Final Irony: According to news reports, the suicidal man set himself on fire, only to change his mind moments later and jump into a pond to extinguish the flames. Cause of death: drowning.

  ELIZABETH FLEISCHMAN ASCHEIM, pioneering X-ray technician at the turn of the 20th century

  Final Irony: Ascheim often X-rayed herself to show patients that the treatment was safe. Cause of death: “severe skin cancer.”

  What do the four H's in 4-H stand for? Head, heart, hands, and health.

  MY OTHER

  VEHICLE IS IN ORBIT

  We keep thinking that we’ve seen every clever bumper sticker that exists, but every year readers send us new ones. Have you seen the one that says…

  I’m Still Hot. It Just Comes in Flashes.

  Remember: It’s pillage first, then burn.

  I’ll rise, but I won’t shine

  It’s my cat’s world. I’m just here to open cans.

  Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

  The closer you get, the slower I go

  Coffee makes it possible to get out of bed; chocolate makes it worth it.

  My dog is smarter than your honor student.

  If all else fails, stop using all else.

  Don’t Drink and Derive. Alcohol and Calculus Don’t Mix.

  What would Scooby do?

  EVERYTHING I NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED IN PRISON

  BOTTOMLESS PIT OF WANTS AND NEEDS

  I’m so old that “getting lucky” means finding my car in the parking lot.

  Welcome to Middle Earth. Now go home.

  PHYSICALLY PFFFFFT!

  The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

  Dangerously under-medicated.

  A barrel full of monkeys would not be fun— it would be horrifying

  When life gives you lemons, shut up and eat your lemons

  Worldwide, more than 250 lakes are reported to be home to a lake “monster.”

  YOU STOLE WHAT, NOW?

  Thieves…you just never know what they’re gonna steal next.

  STICKY FINGERS Someone stole the head off a life-size wax statue of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart from a museum in Salzburg, Austria, in 2005. “
It must have happened between 8 p.m. Friday, when we closed, and today before 9 a.m.,” employee Elisabeth Stoeckl told reporters. “When we opened up again, Mozart’s head was gone,” she said, adding that the stolen head was worth about $18,000.

  HE’S A LITTLE SLOW

  In 1999 a man in Los Angeles was arrested after leading police on a slow-speed chase…on a stolen steamroller. An officer stopped the runaway steamroller by climbing aboard and shutting it off. The man’s excuse: “I was tired of walking.”

  TIKI TACKY

  Security cameras in a Wellington, New Zealand, library captured shots of three masked vandals as they walked up to a tiki—a wooden figurine made by the country’s indigenous people, the Maori—chopped off its wooden penis with chisels, and then ran away. The artist who had carved the tiki, Kerry Strongman, called the theft an insult to the mana, or “pride,” of the city, and immediately began work on a replacement penis for the statue.

  IS THIS HOT?

  In September 2006, USA Today reported that at least seven men had been electrocuted and killed since July trying to steal copper wire from live power lines. Three of the deaths were in Detroit, the latest being when the body of a 24-year-old man was found near a utility box. A pair of wire cutters was found next to his body. Authorities said the would-be thieves were motivated by record-high copper prices—the price of scrap copper has doubled in the last year, according to the report, to about $3 per pound.