Uncle John’s Briefs

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  Dozens of other newspapers reported the event, based on thousands of eyewitness accounts. The government had no explanation, except to say that it was definitely not a Chinese craft. Wang Sichao, a well-respected astronomer at Nanjing’s Zijinshan Astronomy Center, studied the reports and photographs, and offered this conclusion: “It is a dimensional flying machine. But whether it is of human origin or extraterrestrial, whether it is controlled inside or remotely, are still unknown. Maybe we will not be able to uncover the truth for many years, but human curiosity will never let us stop searching.”

  The name of toymaker Hasbro is short for Hassenfeld Brothers.

  TO TELL THE

  TRUTH, PART II

  Lie detectors have come a long way since the days of “trial by red-hot

  poker” (see page 120). But are the modern gizmos foolproof?

  BEATING THE SYSTEM

  Modern-day lie detectors are pretty sophisticated, but they have the same flaw that the ancients methods did—they all assume that liars, out of guilt or fear of discovery, will have some kind of involuntary physical response every time they lie. But that isn’t necessarily the case, according to most experts. “I don’t think there’s any medical or scientific evidence which tends to establish that your blood pressure elevates, that you perspire more freely, or that your pulse quickens when you tell a lie,” prominent defense lawyer William G. Hundley once said.

  Still, many people believe that the polygraph is a useful tool when used in concert with other investigative methods, especially when they’re used on ordinary people who don’t know how to cheat. “It’s a great psychological tool,” says Plato Cacheris, another defense lawyer. “You take the average guy and tell him you’re going to give him a poly, and he’s concerned enough to believe it will disclose any deception on his part.” (Cacheris is famous for having represented Aldrich Ames, a CIA spy who passed a lie detector test in 1991 and then went on to sell more than $2.5 million worth of secrets to the Russians before he was finally caught in 1994.)

  FAKIN’ IT

  Two tricks to help you beat a lie detector:

  • Curl your toes or press your feet down against the floor while answering the “innocent” questions. It can raise the polygraph readings to the same range as the “guilty” questions, which can either make you appear innocent or invalidate the results.

  • Stick a tack in your shoe and press your big toe against the sharp point during the “innocent” questions.

  Both toe-curling and stepping on a tack during the innocent questions have the same effect: they raise the stress level of your body.

  The buttoned flaps on the back pockets of Levi’s jeans are called arcuates.

  VIDEO TREASURES

  Ever found yourself in a video store staring at thousands of films

  you’ve never heard of, with no idea what to rent? It happens to us

  all the time—so we decided to offer a few recommendations.

  COMFORT AND JOY (1984) Comedy

  Review: “Quirky, fun little comedy. When a mild-mannered Scottish disc jockey’s girl moves out on him, his world begins to fall apart. He decides to find more meaning in his life by throwing himself into a noble struggle to reconcile two groups battling over territorial rights for their ice cream trucks. Full of dry wit and subtle humor. Sophisticated viewers are more likely to find this good fun.” Music by Mark Knopfler of Dire Straits. (Illustrated Guide To Video’s Best) Stars: Bill Paterson, Eleanor David. Director: Bill Forsyth.

  THE FOUNTAIN (2006) Science-Fiction

  Review: “A present-day medical researcher works on a cure for cancer. Meanwhile, a 15th century conquistador searches out the Tree of Life. Finally, in 2500, a man tries to regenerate the Tree in the heart of a star. At heart, this is a simple fable about love and death, but keeps viewers enthralled from Mayan temples to space nebulae. A complex and gorgeous mini-epic.” (Empire magazine) Stars: Hugh Jackman, Rachel Weisz. Director: Darren Aronofsky.

  SCOTLAND, PA (2001) Comedy/Thriller

  Review: “In this darkly comic and faithful adaptation of Macbeth, Joe ‘Mac’ McBeth and his frighteningly ambitious wife both work at a hamburger joint. Mac is full of ideas about the future of fast food, but his boss isn’t listening. When he passes over Mac to give the manager position to his son, Mac’s thoughts turn to murder.” (TV Guide’s Movie Guide) Director: Billy Morrissette.

  RUN, LOLA RUN (1999) German/Drama

  Review: “A quick stop for cigarettes derails the normally prompt Lola, and now she has 20 minutes to save her boyfriend Manni. The movie mixes film, video, and animation to show how Lola’s journey affects those she encounters during her mad dash. A flawless, 81-minute love story perfect for a generation raised on Sega and MTV.” (Roughcut Reviews) Stars: Franka Potente and Moritz Bleibtreu. Director: Tom Tykwer

  A fine thing: It would take 500 chinchilla hairs to equal the thickness of a human hair.

  BORN INTO BROTHELS (2004) Documentary

  Review: “Two American photographers went to Calcutta to film prostitution and hit upon the idea of giving cameras to the children of prostitutes, asking them to take photos of the world in which they lived. The filmmakers bring out the innate intelligence of the children as they use their cameras to see their world in a different way. (There are no scenes that could be described as explicit, because filmmakers did not want to exploit their subjects.) The movie is a record by well-meaning people who try to make a difference for the better.” (Roger Ebert) Directors: Zana Briski and Ross Kaufman.

  THE MAN WHO WOULD BE KING (1975) Adventure

  Review: “Old-fashioned adventure and derring-do. Two British soldier-pals try to bamboozle high priests of remote Kafiristan into turning over their riches by convincing them that one of them is a god. The acting is ideal, the script is superb, and the film is entertaining.” (Leonard Maltin’s Movie & Video Guide) Stars: Sean Connery, Michael Caine. Director: John Huston.

  LAST NIGHT (1998) Drama/Science-Fiction

  Review: “A film about the end of the world that paints a bittersweet picture. The world will end at midnight precisely and we meet a small group of people as they try to face the end with a certain grace and dignity. As the final hour approaches for the characters, there are moments of startling poignancy.” (Roger Ebert’s Movie Yearbook) Stars: Don McKellar, Sandra Oh. Director: Don McKellar.

  SHALL WE DANCE? (1996) Foreign/Drama

  Review: “This film proves that Japanese filmmakers can fashion charming, feel-good movies every bit as effective as their Hollywood counterparts. The film uses ballroom dancing to explore one man’s struggle for freedom from the suffocating repression of Japanese society. This is a film for anyone who prefers to leave the theater smiling. Winner of 13 Japanese Academy Awards.” (ReelViews) Director: Masayuki Suo.

  Singer Dave Matthews emigrated to the U.S. to avoid service in the South African military.

  I TOAST YOU!

  On a recent trip to Ireland, Uncle John spent many an evening going

  from pub to pub collecting traditional toasts (and many a morning

  after, begging for aspirin). Here are some favorites.

  May you have food and clothing, a soft pillow for your head; May you be forty years in heaven, before the devil knows you’re dead.

  For every wound, a balm.

  For every sorrow, a cheer.

  For every storm, a calm.

  For every thirst, a beer.

  May the roof above us never fall in, and may we friends gathered below never fall out.

  Here’s health and prosperity, to you and all your posterity, And them that doesn’t drink with sincerity, That they may be damned for all eternity!

  Gentlemen, start your livers!

  May we live to learn well, and learn to live well.

  May your right hand always be stretched out in friendship and never in want.

  Here’s to warm words on a cold evening, A full moon on a dark night, And the road downhill all the way to your
door.

  Success to the lover, honor to the brave, health to the sick, and freedom to the slave.

  May the Lord keep you in His hand, And never close His fist too tight on you.

  Old wood to burn, old books to read, old wine to drink, old friends to trust.

  May misfortune follow you the rest of your life, but never catch up.

  Champagne to our real friends, and real pain to our sham friends.

  May you live as long as you want, and never want as long as you live.

  May I see you gray, combing your grandchildren’s hair.

  May the people who dance on your grave get cramps in their legs.

  Health and long life to you, The woman of your choice to you, A child every year to you, Land without rent to you, And may you die in Ireland.

  The 1937 Oscar, awarded to Spencer Tracy, was mistakenly engraved to “Dick Tracy.”

  I CURSE YOU!

  Save these classic curses to use against

  people who refuse to toast you.

  May the curse of Mary Maline and her nine blind children chase you so far over the hills of Damnation that the Lord himself won’t find you with a telescope.

  May your daughter’s beauty be admired by everyone in the circus.

  May the devil cut the head off you and make a day’s work of your neck.

  Six horse-loads of graveyard clay upon you.

  May I live just long enough to bury you.

  May you be afflicted with the itch and have no nails to scratch with.

  All your teeth should fall out except one, and you should have a toothache in that one.

  May the seven terriers of hell sit on the spool of your breast and bark in at your soul-case.

  May you be transformed into a chandelier, to hang by day and burn by night.

  May you win a lottery and spend it all on doctors.

  May the devil swallow you sideways.

  May you live in a house of 100 rooms, and may each room have its own bed, and may you wander every night from room to room, and from bed to bed, unable to sleep.

  May you go stone-blind so that you can’t tell your wife from a haystack.

  Your nose should grow so much hair it strains your soup.

  May fire and brimstone never fail to fall in showers on you.

  May you have devoted children to chase the flies off your nose.

  May you back into a pitchfork and grab a hot stove for support.

  May those who love us love us. And those that don’t love us, may God turn their hearts, and if He cannot turn their hearts, may He turn their ankles so we’ll know them by their limping.

  The world’s smallest chameleon, the Madagascan Dwarf, is so tiny that it would fit on your fingertip.

  FAMILIAR PHRASES

  Here’s one of our regular features—the origins

  of some common terms and phrases.

  THE BALL’S IN YOUR COURT

  Meaning: It’s your turn; it’s up to you

  Origin: “This term comes from tennis, where it signifies that it is the opponent’s turn to serve or play the ball. A British equivalent is ‘the ball’s at your feet,’ which comes from football (soccer), and has been in use much longer. How much longer? Lord Auckland used it figuratively in a letter written in about 1800: ‘We have the ball at our feet.’” (From Southpaws & Sunday Punches, by Christine Ammer)

  TO BEAR DOWN

  Meaning: To put pressure on someone or something

  Origin: “For centuries sailors used the word bear in scores of expressions to describe a ship’s position in relation to the wind, the land, or another ship. Most are still used by sailors today. Bear up, for instance, means to head the ship into the wind. Bear off means to head away from the wind, a phrase sailors came to use figuratively whenever they wanted anything thrust away from their person. Bear down in the original nautical sense meant to approach from the weather, or windward, side. It later came to mean to approach another ship rapidly, pressuring them to yield.” (From Scuttlebutt, by Teri Degler)

  BY THE SKIN OF ONE’S TEETH

  Meaning: By an extremely narrow margin; just barely

  Origin: “A literal translation of a biblical phrase from Latin. The biblical source is the passage where Job is complaining about how illness has ravaged his body: ‘My bone cleaveth to my skin and to my flesh, and I am escaped with the skin of my teeth.’ The point is that Job is so sick that there’s nothing left to his body. The passage is rendered differently in other translations; the Douay Bible, for example—an English translation of the Vulgate (St. Jerome’s fourth-century translation)—gives: ‘My bone hath cleaved to my skin, and nothing but lips are left about my teeth.’ The phrase first appeared in English in a mid-16th-century translation of the Bible. It did not become common until the 19th century.” (From Jesse’s Word of the Day, by Jesse Sheidlower)

  In Disney’s Fantasia, the Sorcerer’s name is Yensid…Disney spelled backward.

  TO EAT ONE OUT OF HOUSE AND HOME

  Meaning: To eat large quantities of someone else’s food

  Origin: “Its first recorded use in English was by William Shakespeare, who used it in his play Henry IV, written in 1597–98. In Act II, Hostess Quickly of the Boar’s Head Tavern is complaining about Sir John Falstaff, who has been lodging with her, eating huge quantities of food, and avoiding paying his bill: ‘He hath eaten me out of house and home, he hath put all my substance into that fat belly of his…’ The phrase out of house and home was in use as early as the 13th century, and during the 15th century people often said ‘he hath eaten me out of house and harbor.’ Shakespeare combined the two phrases.” (From Inventing English, by Dale Corey)

  NOT UP TO SNUFF

  Meaning: Below standard

  Origin: “Englishmen were so fond of finely powdered tobacco, or snuff, that its use was nearly universal throughout the kingdom. Connoisseurs would pride themselves on knowing their snuff. One derided as not up to snuff was considered an amateur at judging powdered tobacco. But soon the phrase expanded to any person or product considered to be less than discerning.” (From Everyday Phrases, by Neil Ewart)

  TO PAY THE PIPER

  Meaning: To accept the consequences

  Origin: “Street dancing was a common form of amusement during medieval times. Strolling musicians, including flute players, would play for a dance wherever they could gather a crowd.

  “Frequently a dance was organized on the spur of the moment. Persons who heard the notes of a piper would drop their work and join in the fun. When they tired of the frolic, they would pass the hat for the musician. It became proverbial that a dancer had better have his fun while he could; sooner or later he would have to pay the piper.” (From I’ve Got Goose Pimples, by Marvin Vanoni)

  Japan has .25% of the world’s land mass, but 10% of the world’s active volcanoes.

  THE JOY OF SECTS: A QUIZ

  And by that, we mean religious sects—particularly the ones that thrive in

  Pennsylvania. Here’s a quiz to help you avoid embarrassing gaffes the next

  time you’re visiting the Keystone State. (Answers on page 285.)

  1. You see a group of girls in old-fashioned clothes. They’re probably…

  A. Mennonites

  B. Quakers

  C. Amish

  D. Moravians

  2. One weekend, you notice men moving benches into a home that has dark green window shades. You should…

  A. Call the police to report a bizarre case of burglary, in which thieves are putting furniture into the house.

  B. Check the entertainment guide in the local paper to see if a concert is scheduled.

  C. Realize it’s basketball season, buy some pretzels and beer, knock on the door, and ask if you can watch the game.

  D. Ignore the whole thing, unless you’re Amish.

  3. You’re invited to a “Love Feast” at the local Moravian church. You should…

  A. Bring all your souvenir buttons from Woodstock.

&nb
sp; B. Practice your musical scales.

  C. Bake a pie.

  D. Make sure the iPod is charged up because there’s likely to be a long, boring sermon.

  4. You’re at an all-day religious service with non-stop sermons. The preachers don’t pause, even when the listeners get up to eat. At the end of it all, people pair off and wash each other’s feet. Who are these people?

  A. Quakers

  B. Amish

  C. Schwenkfelders

  D. Moravians

  5. A Mennonite, a Quaker, an Amish, and a Moravian walk into a bar. Which one orders tea?

  Q: What are a meatball, a Captain Hook, and a gopher ball? A: Types of baseball pitches.

  Q & A:

  ASK THE EXPERTS

  Everyone’s got a question they’d like answered—basic stuff,

  like “Why is the sky blue?” Here are a few questions,

  with answers from the nation’s top trivia experts.

  WEIGHTY QUESTION

  Q: Why doesn’t pound cake weigh a pound?

  A: “Traditionally, it was made with a pound of flour, a pound of sugar, and a pound of butter. That would make three—enough to shatter the pound barrier and cause a crash landing directly on your hips. Incidentally, the same name game is played with cupcakes. The original recipe called for one cup of each ingredient. And you thought it was because they’re baked in those cute little paper cups.” (From Crazy Plates, by Janet Podleski)

  SICK OF IT ALL

  Q: Why do people get sick more often in the winter?

  A: “It is not cold feet and wet heads that are the problem, disease experts say, but the fact that human beings are warmth-loving social animals. At least in cold climates, widespread outbreaks of diseases like colds and influenza tend to start in winter months, when people spend more time together indoors in close quarters with the windows shut. The cold months also bring children, those well-known vectors of bacteria and viruses, together in the classroom, where they can pick up infections and take them home to the rest of the family.” (From The New York Times Second Book of Science Questions and Answers, by C. Claiborne Ray)