Uncle John’s Briefs

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  TASTE IS NOT A FACTOR

  The gross-out game show Fear Factor is no longer on the air, but it’s still going strong with a line of candy based on its most memorable segment: people eating disgusting animal parts. There are lollipops in the shape of a chicken’s foot, pig’s snout, and cow’s heart (flavored lemon, bubblegum, and cinnamon, respectively) as well as candy sheep eyeballs (mango) and “coagulated blood balls” (mmm…cherry!).

  Ancient Egyptians regarded tattoos as a sign of wealth.

  POT STICKERS

  Many toddlers resist potty training because they’re afraid of the toilet. The white porcelain behemoth is supposed to look a lot less imposing with Toilet Buddies: brightly-colored animal stickers that affix to the toilet, making it look kid-friendly enough for the little ones to use it. They’re available in Poo P. Bunny, Puddles Puppy, and Ca Ca Cow.

  NO, YOU’RE REJECTED!

  Most successful writers had a period of frequent rejection letters from publishers (even Uncle John). Now, jilted authors can happily take out their revenge on those who have denied them literary glory with Rejection Letter Toilet Paper. You go to the Web site of a company called Lulu, upload the text of a rejection letter, and the company prints it onto four rolls of toilet paper for you.

  ZOMBIE-UTIFUL

  A few years ago, friends of Canadian artist Rob Sacchetto asked him to draw pictures of them as zombies to use as decorations for a Halloween party. Now Sacchetto runs a business selling Zombie Portraits. For $80, Sacchetto takes a photograph of you and uses it as the basis for a hand-drawn caricature of you as a zombie, complete with rotting flesh, oozing brains, and sagging eyeballs.

  BRUSH YOUR CASTLE

  Sarah Witmer had a tradition with her grandchildren: Whenever they lost a tooth, they’d put it under their pillow and the “tooth fairy” (Witmer) took it away. But this tooth fairy was a little different: A couple of days later, the kid would get a small sculpture of a castle made out of sand and the ground-up tooth. Now Witmer makes “Fairy Tooth Castles” professionally. When your child loses a tooth, you can send it to Witmer. She’ll grind it up, mix it with sand and a hardening agent, sculpt a nine-inch-tall castle out of it, and send it back to you.

  Hector Boiardi—the real Chef Boyardee—catered President Woodrow Wilson’s wedding.

  STAGECOACH RULES

  Stagecoach travel has been glamorized by Hollywood: a handsome hero

  in an immaculate white shirt and string necktie, and a neatly coiffured

  heroine swaying gently as the stage races across the prairie. Romantic?

  Yes. Truthful? No. Stagecoaches didn’t race—good drivers averaged

  5 mph. And passengers arrived covered with dust and aching from

  the bone-rattling journey. These rigorous conditions created

  discord, so at every station, Wells Fargo posted this list.

  Stagecoach Riders’ Nine Commandments

  1. Abstinence from liquor is requested. If you must drink, share your bottle; otherwise you will appear to be selfish and unneighborly.

  2. If ladies are present, gentlemen are urged to forego smoking pipes or cigars, as the odor is repugnant to the gentle sex. Chewing tobacco is permitted, but spit with the wind, not against it.

  3. Gentlemen must refrain from using rough language in the presence of ladies and children.

  4. Buffalo robes are provided for your comfort during cold weather. Hogging robes will not be tolerated and the offender will be made to ride with the driver.

  5. Don’t snore loudly while sleeping or use your fellow passenger’s shoulder for a pillow. He (or she) may not understand and friction may result.

  6. Firearms may be kept on your person for use in emergencies. Do not fire them for pleasure or shoot at wild animals as the sound riles the horses.

  7. In the event of runaway horses, remain calm. Leaping from the coach in panic will leave you injured, at the mercy of the elements, hostile Indians, and hungry coyotes.

  8. Forbidden topics of discussion are stagecoach robberies and Indian uprisings.

  9. Gents guilty of unchivalrous behavior toward lady passengers will be put off the stage. It’s a long walk back. A word to the wise is sufficient.

  Boris Karloff had a pet pig named Violet.

  CELEBRITY LAWSUITS

  Uncle John noticed that a number of the cases in our

  “Strange Lawsuits” file involve celebrities of one

  sort or another. Here’s a sampling.

  THE PLAINTIFF: Mark Twain

  THE DEFENDANT: Estes and Lauriat Publishing Co.

  THE LAWSUIT: In 1876 the Canadian publishers pirated the text of Twain’s book Tom Sawyer and put out a low-priced edition. It cut into legitimate U.S. sales and deprived Twain of royalties. When he wrote The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn in 1884, he was determined to prevent a recurrence. He decided to publish Huck Finn himself…but hold off printing it until he had orders for 40,000 copies. That way, the book pirates wouldn’t have a chance to undercut him.

  Yet somehow, Estes and Lauriat got hold of a manuscript and started selling a pirated edition two months before Twain’s authorized edition was available. Livid, Twain sued them.

  THE VERDICT: Believe it or not, Twain lost the case. He issued this statement: “[The judge has allowed the publisher] to sell property which does not belong to him but me—property which he has not bought and I have not sold. Under this same ruling, I am now advertising the judge’s homestead for sale; and if I make as good a sum out of it as I expect, I shall go on and sell the rest of his property.”

  THE PLAINTIFFS: Ten people named Jeff Stone, including the mayor of Temecula, California; a guy who works for NASA; and Paul Peterson—who isn’t actually a Jeff Stone, but played a character with that name on TV’s Donna Reed Show from 1958 to 1966

  THE DEFENDANT: Jeff Gillooly, Tonya Harding’s infamous ex-husband, who served seven months in jail for plotting the 1994 attack on her skating rival, Nancy Kerrigan

  THE LAWSUIT: In 1995 Gillooly filed to change his name to Jeff Stone (so he could have some anonymity). Other Jeff Stones announced that they were outraged. Mayor Stone said his “hard-earned good name would be sullied”; Peterson insisted Gillooly was mocking his sitcom; NASA’s Stone spread the word that he simply didn’t want to share his name with Gillooly. And then they sued to prevent it.

  THE VERDICT: In a 10-minute hearing, the judge ruled there was no basis for stopping Gillooly from becoming a Jeff Stone.

  The bones of an owl weigh less than its feathers.

  THE PLAINTIFF: Saddam Hussein

  THE DEFENDANT: Le Nouvel Observateur, a French magazine

  THE LAWSUIT: In an article about Hussein, the magazine described him as a “monster,” “executioner,” “complete cretin,” and a “noodle.” Hussein sued for libel.

  THE VERDICT: Case dismissed.

  THE PLAINTIFF: A dentist

  THE DEFENDANTS: Johnny Carson and NBC

  THE LAWSUIT: In the early 1980s, during a broadcast of the Tonight Show, Carson mentioned he’d seen a report saying that dentists were closing their offices due to lack of business. “News like this,” he quipped, “hasn’t made me so happy since I heard the Gestapo disbanded.” An angry dentist immediately sued Carson and the station for $1 million for libel.

  THE VERDICT: Case dismissed.

  THE PLAINTIFF: Dustin Hoffman

  THE DEFENDANT: Los Angeles magazine

  THE LAWSUIT: In its March 1997 issue, the magazine superimposed a picture of Hoffman’s face—from the film Tootsie, in which he dressed as a woman—on a the body of a model “wearing a smashing gown and smart high heels.” The caption: “Dustin Hoffman isn’t a drag in a butter-colored silk gown by Richard Tyler and Ralph Lauren heels.” Hoffman sued for $5 million, saying they had turned him into “an unpaid fashion model.”

  THE VERDICT: Calling Hoffman “one of our greatest living treasures,” the judge ordered the magazine to pay the actor $3 million.

&nbs
p; The A-bombs dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki were nicknamed “Little Boy” and “Fat Man.”

  MANEKI NEKO

  There are countless superstitions involving cats, most of

  them focused on the bad luck that they supposedly bring.

  In Japan and other Asian countries, however,

  the cat is a symbol of good fortune.

  THE BECKONING CAT

  If you’ve ever walked into a Chinese or Japanese business and noticed a figure of a cat with an upraised paw, you’ve met Maneki Neko (pronounced MAH-ne-key NAY-ko). “The Beckoning Cat” is displayed to invite good fortune, a tradition that began with a legendary Japanese cat many centuries ago.

  According to legend, that cat, called Tama, lived in a poverty-stricken temple in 17th-century Tokyo. The temple priest often scolded Tama for contributing nothing to the upkeep of the temple. Then one day, a powerful feudal lord named Naotaka Ii was caught in a rainstorm near the temple while returning home from a hunting trip. As the lord took refuge under a big tree, he noticed Tama with her paw raised, beckoning to him, inviting him to enter the temple’s front gate. Intrigued, the lord decided to get a closer look at this remarkable cat. Suddenly, the tree was struck by lightning and fell on the exact spot where Naotaka had just been standing. Tama had saved his life! In gratitude, Naotaka made the little temple his family temple and became its benefactor. Tama and the priest never went hungry again. After a long life, Tama was buried with great respect at the renamed Goutokuji temple. Goutokuji still exists, housing dozens of statues of the Beckoning Cat.

  LUCKY CHARMS

  Figures of Maneki Neko became popular in Japan under shogun rule in the 19th century. At that time, most “houses of amusement” (brothels) and many private homes had a good-luck shelf filled with lucky charms, many in the shape of male sexual organs. When Japan began to associate with Western countries in the 1860s, the charms began to be seen as vulgar. In an effort to modernize Japan and improve its image, Emperor Meiji outlawed the production, sale, and display of phallic talismans in 1872. People still wanted lucky objects, however, so the less controversial Maneki Neko figures became popular.

  “If you would be a real seeker after truth, it is necessary that at least once in your life you doubt, as far as possible, all things.” —René Descartes

  Eventually the image of the lucky cat spread to China and then to Southeast Asia. How popular did the Beckoning Cat become? In Thailand, the ancient goddess of prosperity, Nang Kwak, was traditionally shown kneeling with a money bag on her lap. Now she’s usually shown making the cat’s raised-hand gesture and occasionally sporting a cat’s tail.

  In Europe and North America, images of Maneki Neko can be found in Asian-owned businesses, such as Chinese restaurants. And back in Japan, a new cat icon adorns clothing, toys, and various objects: Hello Kitty—a literal translation of Maneki Neko, or “Beckoning Cat.”

  MANEKI NEKO FACTS

  • Sometimes Maneki Neko has his left paw up, sometimes the right. The left paw signifies that the business owner is inviting in customers. The right invites in money or good fortune.

  • Most Maneki Nekos are calico cats; the male calico is so rare it’s considered lucky in Japan. But Maneki Neko may be white, black, red, gold, or pink to ward off illness, bad luck, or evil spirits and bring financial success, good luck, health, and love.

  • Maneki Nekos made in Japan show the palm of the paw, imitating the manner in which Japanese people beckon. American Maneki Nekos show the back of the paw, reflecting the way we gesture “come here.”

  • The higher Maneki Neko holds his paw, the more good fortune is being invited.

  “I don’t need a reading lamp in my living room. I don’t have a toilet in there.”

  —Norm MacDonald

  UNCLE JOHN’S

  PAGE OF LISTS

  Uncle John has a list of 10 reasons why the Bathroom Reader

  should have lists in it. (The list is confidential.)

  7 “OFFICIAL” ATTRIBUTES OF THE PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY

  1. His skin must look like dough: “off-white, smooth, but not glossy”

  2. Slightly luminous, but no sheen

  3. No knees, elbows, wrists, fingers, ears, or ankles

  4. Rear views do not include “buns”

  5. Walks with a “swagger”

  6. Stomach is proportional to the rest of his body.

  7. He is not portly.

  6 MOST COMMONLY MISSPELLED U.S. CITIES

  1. Pittsburgh, PA

  2. Tucson, AZ

  3. Cincinnati, OH

  4. Albuquerque, NM

  5. Culpeper, VA

  6. Asheville, NC

  4 SPORTS YOU CAN ONLY WIN BY GOING BACKWARDS

  1. Rappelling

  2. Rowing

  3. Tug-of-war

  4. High jump

  5 MOST WIDELY ASSIGNED BOOKS IN HIGH SCHOOLS

  1. The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn

  2. The Scarlet Letter

  3. To Kill a Mockingbird

  4. Lord of the Flies

  5. The Great Gatsby

  7 ANIMALS THAT MATE FOR LIFE

  1. Beaver

  2. Orangutan

  3. Fox

  4. Stork

  5. Penguin

  6. Vulture

  7. Pigeon

  7 HIGHEST TEMPERATURES RECORDED ON EACH CONTINENT

  1. Africa: 136°F

  2. N. America: 134°F

  3. Asia: 129°F

  4. Australia: 128°F

  5. Europe: 122°F

  6. S. America: 120°F

  7. Antarctica: 59°F

  6 FLAVORS OF KIT-KAT BARS SOLD IN JAPAN

  1. Green tea

  2. Red bean

  3. Yubari melon

  4. Cherry blossom

  5. Wine

  6. Blood Orange

  5 THINGS INVENTED BY MONKS

  1. Mechanical clocks

  2. Pretzels

  3. Roulette

  4. The @ sign

  5. Munster cheese

  In Keriche, Kenya, it hails an average of 132 days per year.

  EARTH’S GREATEST HITS

  Every so often a hunk of rock hurtles out of the sky and slams

  into our planet, creating a gigantic hole and wreaking havoc.

  Here are some of the more impressive cosmic splats.

  CHICXULUB, YUCATÁN

  About 65 million years ago, a giant meteor six miles wide splashed down in the Caribbean region of Mexico. It probably split in two shortly before impact. The result: two craters that are a combined 102 miles in diameter. The meteors fell in a sulfur-rich area of the Yucatán Peninsula, kicking up billions of tons of poisonous dust. The sky all over the world was dark for six months, making global temperatures drop below freezing. That climate change, according to most scientists, caused the extinction of half the Earth’s existing species… including the dinosaurs.

  GRAND TETONS, WYOMING

  In 1972 a 1,000-ton meteor entered the Earth’s atmosphere high above the Grand Tetons at a very shallow angle and then skipped back out into space like a stone skipping off the surface of a lake (but not before being recorded by Air Force and tourist photographers). If it had gone all the way through the atmosphere, it would have hit Canada and the impact would have rocked the area with a blast the size of the Hiroshima A-bomb.

  TUNGUSKA, SIBERIA

  On June 30, 1908, Russian settlers north of Lake Baikal saw a giant fireball streak across the sky. Moments later a blinding flash lit up the sky, followed by a shock wave that knocked people off their feet 40 miles away. The blast was estimated to be more than 10 megatons, toppling 60 million trees over an area of 830 square miles. What was startling about the Tunguska blast was that there was no crater, which led to speculation about the blast: A black hole passing through the Earth? The annihilation of a chunk of antimatter falling from space? An exploding alien spaceship? Research ultimately revealed that the devastation was caused by a meteor about
450 feet in diameter that exploded four to six miles above the ground. If it had landed on a city, no one would have survived.

  Rule of tongue: Generally, the smaller the pepper, the hotter it is.

  BARRINGER METEOR CRATER, ARIZONA

  Located in the middle of the desert, this crater is important be-cause it was the first one on Earth positively identified as the result of a falling meteor. The meteorite that made the crater was about 150 feet in diameter, weighed about 300,000 tons, and was traveling at a speed of 40,000 mph when it landed. The crater is three quarters of a mile wide and was named for D. M. Barringer, the mining engineer who correctly identified it. He also believed that the actual meteorite was still lodged below the Earth’s surface and could be mined for its iron content. (He died before studies revealed that it had vaporized on impact.) Scientists say a meteor of this size can be expected to hit the Earth every 50,000 years. Since this one fell to Earth about 49,000 years ago, we could be due for another one soon.

  METEOR FACTS

  • So far 150 impact craters have been identified on the Earth’s surface.

  • Oldest crater on Earth: Vredefort Crater in South Africa. It’s two billion years old.

  • Meteors the size of a basketball hit Earth once a month.

  • More than 25,000 meteors bigger than 3.5 ounces hit every year.

  • Meteors as large as the one that hit Tunguska impact the Earth every 100 years or so. Bigger explosions, the size of the largest H-bombs, take place about once every 1,000 years.

  • Terminology: in space it’s a meteor; on the ground, it’s a meteorite.

  • A large meteorite is always cold to the touch. The outer layers are burned off from its trip through the atmosphere; the inner layers retain the cold of deep space.