Uncle John’s Briefs

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  —Strange World #2

  HOE NO!

  “Leonard Fountain, 68, got so fed up with having his gardening tools stolen from his shed that he rigged a homemade shotgun booby trap by the door. A year later, he was in a hurry to get some pruning done and opened the door, forgetting about the modification. He received severe flesh wounds to his right knee and thigh from the ensuing blast, and was charged with illegal possession of firearms.”

  —Stuff

  THE YOUNG AND THE WRESTLESS

  TACOMA, Wash.—“A seven-year-old boy practicing wrestling moves he had seen on TV bounced off his bed and tumbled out a second-story window. The boy sustained minor cuts and bruises after smashing through the bedroom window and tumbling two stories onto a cushion of grass. ‘He was jumping from the dresser and doing a back-flip to the bed and went straight out the window,’ said his mother.

  “The boy was treated for minor internal injuries and hospitalized in satisfactory condition Friday. ‘It hurts to wrestle,’ he said. ‘I’m not doing any more wrestling moves.’”

  —CNN Fringe

  “I watched the Indy 500 and I was thinking—if they left earlier, they wouldn’t have to go so fast.”

  —Steven Wright

  The White House owns more than 13,000 knives, forks and spoons.

  MY BODY LIES

  OVER THE OCEAN

  When someone passes away and their remains are buried or cremated, it’s said

  they are being “laid to rest.” But for some, the journey is just beginning.

  DANIEL BOONE

  Claim to Fame: 18th-century explorer and American frontiersman

  Final Resting Place: Near Charette, Missouri…or maybe Frankfort, Kentucky

  Details: If you owned a cemetery and wanted to attract new customers, how would you do it? One trick: a celebrity endorsement. Living celebrity pitchmen are best, but dead celebrities aren’t bad either, because they can’t complain.

  That’s how Daniel Boone ended up in Frankfort. When he died in the backwoods of Missouri in September 1820, he was buried in a small graveyard on a farm near Charette, in accordance with his wishes. But in 1845, the Capital Cemetery Company of Frankfort, Kentucky, started looking around for a famous American to bury in its new cemetery in the state capital. Boone was the perfect candidate: He was one of the founders of Kentucky and though he eventually left the state over a land dispute and swore he’d never return, he was still considered a hero.

  Boone was also admired in Missouri, so the owners of Capital Cemetery had to act quickly and move the body before anyone could object. They enlisted the support of some of Boone’s distant relatives, and then went to the farm and talked the new owner into letting them dig up the body. But the graves were poorly marked, so no one knew for sure which one was Boone’s. That didn’t matter: they made their best guess, dug up the remains of two bodies—assumed to be Boone and his wife—and spirited them off to Frankfort for reburial.

  To this day no one knows for sure whether Boone and his wife are buried in Missouri or Kentucky, and it’s doubtful we ever will. After so many years in the ground, there’s probably not enough left for a DNA test.

  In France, it’s illegal to name a pig Napoleon.

  LOST IN TRANSLATION

  A few years ago, a British company called Today Translations commissioned

  a worldwide poll of 1,000 professional interpreters to find the world’s most

  difficult-to-translate words. Here’s their list of the 10 English words

  that are the hardest to translate into other languages.

  AND THE WINNERS ARE:10. Kitsch. “An item, usually of poor quality, that appeals to common or lowbrow tastes.” (Need examples? Stop by Uncle John’s house.)

  9. Chuffed. A British word. A variation on the adjective chuff (“puffed with fat”), it means “proud, satisfied, or pleased.”

  8. Bumf. More Brit-speak. A shortened version of bumfodder, it once meant “toilet paper,” but now refers to paperwork in general.

  7. Whimsy. “A quaint or fanciful quality.”

  6. Spam. The luncheon meat, not the junk e-mail.

  5. Googly. A term from the sport of cricket that means “an off-breaking ball with an apparent leg-break action on the part of the bowler.” To explain the meaning of googly, you first have to explain the game of cricket—that’s what makes this word so difficult to translate. “I am from Lithuania,” says translator Jurga Zilinskiene. “We simply do not have googlies in Lithuania.”

  4. Poppycock. “Nonsense; empty writing or talk.” From the Dutch word pappekak, which translates literally as “soft dung.”

  3. Serendipity. Finding something valuable, useful, or pleasant that you weren’t searching for; a happy accident.

  2. Gobbledygook. Wordy, unintelligible nonsense.

  …and the most difficult-to-translate word in English is:

  1. Plenipotentiary. “A special ambassador or envoy, invested with full powers to negotiate or transact business.”

  A group of hummingbirds is called a hover; a group of sparrows is a quarrel.

  THE SAD TALE

  OF CENTRALIA

  On Valentine’s Day, 1981, eleven-year-old Todd Domboski was walking through

  a field in Centralia, Pennsylvania, when a 150-foot-deep hole suddenly opened

  beneath his feet. Noxious fumes crept out as the boy fell in. He only survived

  by clinging to some newly exposed tree roots until his cousin ran over

  and pulled him to safety. What was happening here…and why?

  COAL COUNTRY

  Eastern Pennsylvania is anthracite coal country. Back at the turn of the 20th century, miners were digging nearly 300 million tons of coal per year from the region, leaving behind a vast subterranean network of abandoned mine shafts. In May 1962, while incinerating garbage in an old strip mine pit outside of Centralia, one of the many exposed coal seams ignited. The fire followed the seam down into the maze of abandoned mines and began to spread. And it kept spreading—and burning—for years.

  Mine fires in coal country are actually not all that uncommon. There are currently as many as 45 of them burning in Pennsylvania alone. Unfortunately, there’s no good way to put them out. But that doesn’t stop people from trying.

  • The most effective method to extinguish such a fire is to strip mine around the entire perimeter of the blaze. That’s an expensive—and in populated areas, impractical—proposition. Essentially, it means digging an enormous trench, deep enough to get underneath the fires, which are often more than 500 feet below ground.

  • An easier (but not much easier) method is to bore holes down into the old mine shafts, and then pour in tons of wet concrete to make plugs. Then more holes are drilled and flame-suppressing foam is pumped into the areas between plugs. It, too, is a very expensive project, and it doesn’t always succeed.

  • The cheapest way to deal with a mine fire by far is to keep an eye on it and hope it burns itself out. (One fire near Lehigh, Pennsylvania, burned from 1850 until the 1930s.) After a 1969 effort to dig out the Centralia fire proved both costly and unsuccessful, they admitted defeat and let the fire take its course. By 1980, the size of the underground blaze was estimated at 350 acres, and large clouds of noxious smoke were billowing out of the ground all over town. The ground temperature under a local gas station was recorded at nearly 1,000°F. Residents of the once-thriving mountain town began to wonder if Centralia was a safe place to live.

  In 1920 more than half of all Hollywood movies billed the leading lady above the leading man. In 1990, only 18% gave top billing to the female star.

  EXODUS

  When the boy fell in the hole and almost died, the fire beneath Centralia became a national news story. The sinkhole—caused by an effect known as subsidence, which occurs when mine shafts collapse, possibly because the support beams are on fire—put the town’s 1,600 residents in a fix. Their homes were suddenly worthless. They couldn’t sell them and move someplace
safer—no one in their right mind would buy them.

  The townsfolk were given a choice: a $660-million digging project that might not work, or let the government buy their homes. They voted 345 to 200 in favor of the buyout, and an exodus soon began. By 1991, $42 million had been spent buying out more than 540 Centralia homes and businesses.

  GHOST TOWN

  If you were to visit Centralia today, the first thing you’d notice is that there are more streets than buildings. At first glance, it would seem that someone decided to build a town, but only got as far as paving the roads. If you looked a bit closer, however, you’d notice the remnants of house foundations. Looking still closer, you’d see smoke still seeping out of the ground.

  Just after the buyout, nearly 50 die-hard Centralians continued to live in the smoldering ghost town. Since then, the number has dwindled to less than 10. Experts estimate it will take 250 years for the fire to burn itself out.

  “Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man’s character, give him power.”

  —Abraham Lincoln

  THAT’S ABOUT

  THE SIZE OF IT

  Most people never give a second thought to life’s most important questions,

  such as: How tall should a bowling pin be? Fortunately for them, Uncle

  John does. Here’s a look at the standard sizes of everyday objects.

  Soccer Ball: Must measure between 27 and 28 inches in circumference and weigh 14 to 16 ounces.

  Napkin (dinner): Should be no less than 183 square inches, unfolded. (A cocktail napkin should be no larger than 100 square inches, unfolded.)

  Boulder: An “official” boulder must be at least 256 millimeters (10.07 inches) in diameter.

  Pebble: A pebble must be no smaller than 4 millimeters (0.16 inch) and no larger than 64 millimeters (2.51 inches) in diameter.

  Bowling ball: Should be 27 inches in circumference and weigh no more than 16 pounds.

  Bowling pin: Should weigh between 3 pounds, 2 ounces and 3 pounds, 10 ounces and should be exactly 1 foot, 3 inches tall.

  Dart: Cannot be more than 1 foot in length, or weigh more than 50 grams.

  Dartboard: Must be hung so that the bull’s-eye is 5 feet, 8 inches above the floor. The person throwing the dart must stand 7 feet, 9 ¼ inches from the board.

  Wash cloth: Should be a square of cloth no smaller than 12 by 12 inches and no larger than 14 by 14 inches.

  Compact car: Must weigh at least 3,000 pounds, but no more than 3,500.

  Parachute: To slow a 200-pound person to a landing speed of 20 feet per second, a parachute must be 28 feet in diameter.

  Golf ball: Must weigh no more than 1.62 ounces, with a diameter no less than 1.68 inches. (A standard tee is 2 inches long.)

  King mattress: Must be no smaller than 80 inches long and 76 inches wide.

  Jumbo egg: One dozen jumbo eggs should weigh no less than 30 ounces.

  “Yesterday’s home runs don’t win today’s games.” —Babe Ruth

  FINAL THOUGHTS

  If you had to pick some last words, what would they be? Here are a dozen that people are still quoting.

  “Don’t worry—it’s not loaded.”

  —Terry Kath, leader of the band Chicago, playing Russian roulette

  “I should never have switched from Scotch to Martinis.”

  —Humphrey Bogart

  “How about this for a headline for tomorrow’s paper? French fries.”

  —James French, executed in the Oklahoma electric chair, 1966

  “I’ll take a wee drop of that. I don’t think there’s much fear of me learning to drink now.”

  —Dr. James Cross, Scottish physicist and lifelong teetotaler

  “Am I dying, or is this my birthday?”

  —Lady Astor, awaking to find her relatives gathered around her bedside

  “And now, I am officially dead.”

  —Abram S. Hewitt, industrialist, after removing the oxygen tube from his mouth

  “I’ve had 18 straight whiskeys. I think that’s the record!”

  —Dylan Thomas, poet

  “Why, of course….That’s His line of work.”

  —Heinrich Heine, German poet, on being told that God would forgive his sins

  “So little done. So much to do!”

  —Alexander Graham Bell

  “I desire to go to hell and not to heaven. In the former place I shall enjoy the company of popes, kings, and princes, while the latter are only beggars, monks and apostles.”

  —Niccolo Machiavelli

  “Waiting, are they? Waiting, are they? Well, let ’em wait.”

  —General Ethan Allen, Revolutionary War hero, on being told, “The angels are waiting for you.”

  “Either the wallpaper goes, or I do.”

  —Oscar Wilde

  Raw coffee beans, soaked in water and spices, are chewed like candy in some parts of Africa.

  ANSWER PAGES

  PLOP, PLOP, QUIZ, QUIZ

  (Answers for page 25)

  1) Maxwell House coffee

  2) Allstate insurance

  3) Perdue chickens

  4) Brylcreem

  5) Federal Express

  6) Schlitz beer

  7) Hebrew National hot dogs

  8) Alka-Seltzer

  9) Morton’s salt

  10) American Express

  11) Packard

  12) Remington shavers

  13) Timex

  14) AT&T

  15) Yellow Pages

  16) Energizer batteries

  17) Marlboro cigarettes

  18) Bactine ointment

  19) Milk

  20) Cattlemen’s Beef Board

  21) Delta Airlines

  22) Bartles & Jaymes wine coolers

  23) Chrysler Cordoba

  24) General Foods International Coffees

  25) Irish Spring soap

  26) Pepsi

  27) Motel 6

  28) DuPont

  OL’ JAY’S BRAINTEASERS

  (Answers for page 185)

  1. BRIGHT THINKING

  Standing in the hallway, Amy turned on the first light switch. She waited two minutes and then turned on the second light switch. Then after another minute she turned them both off. When she walked into the library, one was very hot, the other was slightly warm, and the other was cold—making it easy for her to tell Uncle John which switch turned on which lamp.

  2. MYSTERY JOB

  Brian works at a library.

  3. SIDE TO SIDE

  The river was frozen.

  4. SPECIAL NUMBER

  8,549,176,320

  When spelled out, it contains each number—zero through nine—in alphabetical order.

  The horns of a male bighorn sheep can weigh up to 30 lbs.—as much as all the bones in its body.

  5. TIME PIECES

  An hourglass. It is filled with thousands of grains of sand.

  6. WORD PLAY

  If you remove the first letter of each word and place it on the end of the word, it will spell the same word backwards.

  THE JOY OF SECTS

  (Answers for page 230)

  1. A or C. Bravo if you eliminated Quakers and Moravians right away—they don’t wear old-fashioned clothes. As for the other two, take another look at the clothes. Color doesn’t matter, but patterns do. The Amish wear only solid colors, so anything else suggests the girls are Mennonites.

  2. D. Amish communities do not have churches. Instead, they hold Sunday services in different homes each week, so a wagonload of benches is delivered to the designated house. Most Amish homes have dark green window shades. Why the plain, identical window treatments? The Amish community would consider decorative shades or frilly curtains signs of vanity.

  3. B. Although a basket of buns and mugs of coffee may be passed around, the Moravian Love Feast is actually a festival that includes the singing of hymns and the playing of devotional music. The practice imitates early Christian celebrations that in
cluded prayer and sharing a meal. Moravian Love Feasts are held on holidays, anniversaries, and other special occasions.

  4. B. You might see foot washing at a pre-Easter service in a Catholic church, but the Amish hold the only ceremony in which everyone gets their feet cleaned—a special adults-only communion service called Grossgemee in the spring and fall. The service lasts all day, and the adults wash each other’s feet to imitate Jesus, who once washed the feet of his disciples.

  5. Most likely, the Quaker. That’s the only sect of the four that originated in England, and the British are avid tea drinkers. None of these groups approve of drunkenness, but all of them actually do allow moderate drinking. Amish men enjoy beer, and the others have changed their attitudes toward drinking over time. Mennonites in the United States were completely against alcohol during the 19th and early 20th centuries, for instance, but the sect has since relaxed that stance. Today, about 60 percent of Mennonites consider moderate alcohol consumption to be acceptable.

  What’s a bipennis? Surprise! It’s a medieval double-sided axe.

  NAME THAT COUNTRY

  (Answers for page 269)

  SAVED: El Salvador. El Salvador is Spanish for “The Savior.” The Spanish conquered the Pipil, claimed the land, and gave it a new name in 1524.

  NOTHING TO IT: Namibia.

  THE NAMELESS NAME:

  Australia. Pre-18th-century maps show a large land mass labeled Terra Australis Incognita, Latin for “The Unknown Southern Land.” Geographers had never seen the land, but insisted that without it, the Earth would be lopsided.

  OVER THERE WHERE THE SUN COMES UP: Japan. In China, jih means “sun,” pun means “east,” and since the sun rises in the east, jih pun means “sunrise.” Referring to the islands east of China, it means “land of the rising sun.” Japan derived from the Malaysian version of the Chinese name: Japang.

  GRECIAN FORMULA: Great Britain. Pythaes sailed around this island around 300 B.C., naming it Pretanic, after the Pritani, or the Prits. Pritani is believed to be a Celtic word meaning “people with designs,” because the Pritani were extensively tattooed. When the Anglo-Saxons attacked in the 400s, many Britons fled to the European continent and settled what became known as Brittany. To differentiate it from this “lesser” Britain, the island was thereafter called Great Britain.