by A. S. Kelly
“Alex,” he whispers against my lips and my name takes on new meaning as if it were the most erotic thing he could say to me. “We’d better go now or I won’t be able to.”
And I’d like him to. To keep me here, in his arms and never let me go anywhere else.
23
JASON
It’s two in the afternoon and I’m leaning against my parked car in the car park across the street from Trinity College. I know that Alex will pass by here on her way after work.
I called Aaron to let him know I wouldn’t be at the pub tonight. They can get by without me, I’ve got better things to do.
Oddly enough, it’s a beautiful spring day and I couldn’t help but take advantage of it. I need to spend time with her. Time that I myself robbed us of for all these years and which I will regret as long as I live.
What was I thinking of, trying to push her away from me? What was I hoping to get out of it? Was I keeping myself safe from love, from suffering? Safe from me?
I kissed her, I held her close. I touched her all night. I breathed in the sweet scent of her hair.
Of her life.
She didn’t faint, she didn’t have a seizure.
She slept in my arms happily and that’s what I want—that it could be like that every night. And that every next morning, she’d open her eyes.
That’s all I’m asking and it doesn’t seem too much to me.
I see her coming towards me slowly. She walks with a big smile on her face, kissed by the sun and windblown hair, that she brushes away from her face with a spontaneous gesture that makes me swallow hard.
God, help me.
I stop leaning on the car and go towards her, taking off my sunglasses and smiling at her with my whole face.
“Hey…what are you—”
I don’t give her time to finish the question.
I grab her in my arms and inhale her sweet scent, running a hand through her hair. I kiss her forehead and whisper: “I’ve missed you.”
“I think we saw each other this morning,” she says sarcastically.
“That was a long time ago.”
“And we were together all night,” she continues, getting a bit flushed. “Haven’t you had enough of me yet?”
She’s making fun of me?
“I will never have enough of you.”
She shakes her head and wraps her arm around my neck.
“Good to know.”
I kiss her lightly on the lips because I’m afraid of exaggerating, I never know how her heart will react to too spontaneous a contact.
“Jason, you may kiss me,” she says, reading my thoughts.
“That’s what I’m doing.”
“That’s not a boyfriend kiss,” she jokes, before squeezing herself against me, opening her lips and looking for my tongue with hers.
I lift her slightly and accept this kiss and my doubts are melting away, because she’s here, she’s fine and she wants me.
And she’s not dying, for crying out loud.
“That’s a lover’s kiss,” she says, looking at me tenderly.
“You’re right,” I concur, pulling her back to me. “I can do more.”
I take her face in my hands and taste her lips again. I pass my tongue slowly over her lower lip before biting it and letting out a grunt right into her mouth.
“Is that better?”
“Decidedly so,” she says, blushing. “We’re making a spectacle.”
I laugh and, taking her hand, invite her to walk towards the car. I open the door and let her get in before taking my place behind the wheel.
“Where are we going?”
“I’d like to take you somewhere.”
“Shouldn’t you be at work?”
“I took the day off.”
“Jason,” she chastises me.
“They can do without me for a few hours.”
“You shouldn’t be saying no to everything else for me.”
Is that what I’m doing?
“I just wanted to spend the afternoon with you.”
And that’s not a lie.
I just want to be with her. Who could blame me?
I bring her to Phoenix Park. The sun is still high in the sky and with any luck, we’ll have a few hours of light and warmth ahead of us.
Spring is a stupid season that I’ll never be able to understand: yesterday I was wearing a scarf and gloves and it was unbearably cold.
Today, the sun is out and the temperature is up at least ten degrees. It’s enough for us to enjoy this unseasonable weather. I just could not pass it up.
We walk hand-in-hand along the gardens which are manicured to perfection. We approach a little lake and I sit down near the shore, indicating with my hand for her to take the spot next to me on the grass.
She sits close by me, but it’s not enough, it feels like there’s too much distance between our bodies. So I put my arm around her waist and pull her into me. I lay down in the fresh grass and she lays her head on my chest. I take her hand and caress it slowly, making little circles with my finger on her palm. She lays on her back with her face to the sun, eyes closed.
She smiles. She’s happy and calm.
And I feel my heart explode.
“Your heartbeat is going nuts,” she says, putting an ear to my chest.
“Never been better.”
She lifts her head to look at me, to make sure I’m telling the truth.
“You know…it’s nice to hear someone else’s crazy heartbeat for a change.”
I kiss her forehead and run my hands all the way down her long hair, letting the tufts slide between my fingers.
“That’s not the only thing that’s going crazy.”
She shakes her head and smiles again.
“You shouldn’t do it, you know? You shouldn’t be taking time off work, and not playing your music just because of me.”
“I haven’t given up anything, Alex.” I sit up, forcing her to lean into me—her back against my chest and I hold her from behind. “You are the only thing that matters to me.”
“Jason…”
“That’s how it is. I can’t go back in time but I can try to make up for it now.”
“You’re already doing that.”
“It’s not enough.”
She turns to me to caress my face, giving me one of her love-filled smiles.
“Thank you for this. For being here, for not running away…for wanting me with you, despite everything. For these moments…”
“Anything for you.” And as I say it I realize there is no truth that is more devastating.
Because it’s true, I would do anything for her, even ripping my heart out of my chest to substitute it with hers if that would help keep her alive.
Because what the hell would my life be without her?
When we were away from each other, I didn’t have a life and I know that after having experienced everything I have with her there would be no turning back for me. Not after having kissed and held her, seeing her smiles and her tears.
Not after having understood what love is and how strong it is. How total and absolute it can be, capable of covering everything, healing everything and cancelling out every fear.
Able to overcome anything.
Even death.
—
ALEX
“You have plans for tomorrow night?”
Jason and I spent all afternoon lying in the grass until the sky decided it had had enough of the sun and sent it packing to be replaced by some dark clouds, leaving us with a beautiful view to look at.
We walked along the River Liffey hand-in-hand as the evening began to fall around us.
“Sure you don’t want to go back to the pub?”
“Nah, they’re doing fine, believe me,” he says, before leaning down to kiss my cheek.
“You hungry?”
“Not really, to tell the truth.”
I’ve been having a hard time eating lately.
“Alex,” he begins in a wor
ried tone. “I know you don’t like being asked continually how you are…but darling, I don’t know how to tell you, the thing is you’re really, really thin.”
“I know.”
“I can’t help but worry about that.”
“It’s the medicine that takes away my appetite and gives me nausea.”
He holds my hand tightly before bringing it to his lips.
“I wish there was more I could do for you.”
I stop and stand right in front of him. I get on tiptoe and take his face in my hands. “You don’t understand what you’re already doing for me.”
He tries to turn his head away but I won’t let him.
“Jason, look at me! This was a perfect day. I don’t remember ever having a day that was so peaceful and so serene and I don’t know when I’ve smiled so much. And yesterday…” I bite my lip again, a bit embarrassed. “It was the most beautiful night of my life. You showed me your heart, you gave me everything that you had and made me feel safe, like I haven’t felt in a very long time. And thanks to you, I’m no longer scared of kissing you, of holding you, of…” He silences me with a kiss. “You are giving me every hope and desire to live and I will be eternally grateful to you.”
“I’m the one who has to thank you.”
“You? For what?”
“I gave all this up, I didn’t think I needed it, that I could do without it. I thought I could control everything, even my heartbeat. I thought I could live without love. It was like being trapped in a deep sleep, with no dreams and no light. And when you came back, it gave sense to my life. You woke me up, opened my eyes and my heart. You have given me something to believe in, Alex. I didn’t have that. Without you, I didn’t have anything and I was nothing.”
I feel my eyes burn and my throat go dry.
“Don’t cry, I don’t want to upset you,” he says, resting his forehead against mine. “I’m fine, it’s just…emotional.”
“Come here,” he continues, pulling me sweetly by the hand. “Let’s go eat something, just so that you don’t faint in my arms.”
We head over to Temple Bar, which is a pretty low-key place with few tourists and just the local crowd that goes from place to place.
We get a baguette with sausage and French fries to share. We choose a spot with some stools facing the window, and as we eat, we watch the people.
I try to take more than one bite because I know Jason is worried and I don’t want to add to his concerns, so I really make an effort not to let him know how grave my situation is.
We leave with our arms around each other and Jason takes me to a place in the square called Oliver St. John Gogarty where they play live Celtic music every night.
“Wanna go there?” he asks, winking at me.
I nod and follow him inside, where music and the warmth of the place and the people singing hits me full on, causing some palpitations. But they aren’t those kinds of palpitations, no, it’s something healthy, it’s adrenalin, pure emotion and it brings tears to my eyes.
Is this what I’ve been missing, I wonder? Is this what life is?
“Would you like to dance?” He smiles.
“I’m not able, I don’t know any traditional dances.”
“Well, are you Irish or aren’t you?”
He drags me to the center of the floor and holds me to him and starts moving in time with the music.
“Where…did you learn?”
“My mother.” He smiles a bit sadly and my heart squeezes in my chest.
We dance, we laugh and we dance some more before sitting down to drink something, chatting with everyone around to us.
And I feel full, alive and happy.
And yet, I’m not doing anything in particular. A walk in the park, a meal eaten standing up on the street, a typical night in a pub, a dance. All things that normal people do every day without thinking twice about it or even appreciating it fully.
I’m here enjoying every minute of it, I’m filling my eyes and my heart with life. I take in all the odors of the street, the pubs, the scent of this stupendous man next to me and I think how I’ve really missed out on everything and how I don’t want to miss out on anything else.
And I feel, for the first time in many years, that I want to live. I want to stick around. For my family, for my friends, and for him. But most especially, for me.
For the first time I feel like I want to live for myself.
Jason walks me home by eleven. I’m very tired and it’s hard for me to stay on my feet but I try to keep a smile on my face, the same one I’ve had all day long.
“I wore you out, didn’t I?” he asks me, stopping a few meters from my door.
“I had fun. It was a wonderful day.”
“I’d like to keep it going.” His tone of voice is somehow hard to pin down.
I rest my hands on his chest and give him a butterfly kiss. Then I turn and go inside, leaving him on the curb of the street.
I go directly upstairs into my room to look at him through the window.
“Knock, knock. May I?” my dad asks from outside.
“Of course.”
He comes across to the window and glances out behind him to see what I’m watching. Without a word, he kisses my cheek and I can feel him smiling under his mustache. He goes back to the door and closes it behind him.
And I take a few minutes to watch Jason walk away into the night with a smile on my lips and love in my heart.
24
JASON
“We’re playing tonight, Jay, you know that, right? It’s Thursday and we always play on Thursdays. Please don’t forget about us.”
I told the guys I have things to do tonight and I have no intention of changing my mind. I want to stay with her, for as long as possible.
“Aaron, nothing’s going to happen for one night—”
“Jay,” he interrupts me, putting a hand on my shoulder. “I know you want to stay with her, I understand it. But you can’t just forget about your work and all of your commitments.”
“Oh, come on! What is this, Aaron? No one gives a shit if we play or not.”
“Well…it matters to us. We don’t have a manager now and that’s alright, but that doesn’t mean we have to give everything up. Music has always been our escape, Jay. Always.”
“Yeah, maybe it used to be like that, but things are different now.”
Aaron sighs with strained patience. “Friend, I know that Alex is the most important thing to you in this moment. I understand it and I stand by you. But you need to think about yourself too. What are you going to do if—”
“If she dies? Is that what you’re trying to say, Aaron?”
“You can have her come here, to us.”
“You don’t understand, Aaron. I need to spend time with her. To let her really know that I am here.”
“I know that, buddy. But I think she needs a bit of normality, don’t you? To be among people, with friends. She needs to live, Jay, not live just off of you.”
I huff and sit down on the stool. I rest my elbows on the counter and put my head in my hands. I need time to think, but I don’t understand how much time I have available.
Aaron’s logic makes sense. Alex does need to have a normal daily routine, to feel like she does have a life apart from me. I know I’m selfish because I’d like her all to myself. Seems like I never learn.
“It’s what she needs, trust me.”
I take my phone from my back pocket and send her a message. I know she’s working and I don’t want to disturb her so I write that I’ll come pick her up and bring her here and then we’ll go out after that, just me and her.
She replies after a few minutes and says her dad will drop her off as soon as he closes the coffee shop.
I get up and get to work, I have to keep my mind busy otherwise I’m not going to be able to face these days and instead I need to stay strong. I have to be a rock to be able to support her and help her understand everything is going to be alright.
Because everything is going to be alright.
It has to be.
“Hey, Patrick! They’ve been waiting on those fucking beers for twenty minutes!” I yell at the man who is working hard behind the counter.
I’m worked up and can’t keep my eyes off the clock.
I have to see her, now.
I have to hold her and know that she’s okay.
I sit down to get my breath when a pair of cold hands cover my eyes. There’s no need for me to turn around, for I’d recognize her scent in the middle of a toxic cloud. I turn around slowly and her smile makes me bend in two.
Good Lord, please, let her always smile like this.
“Hello, Sunshine!” I greet her and despite her beautiful eyes, her color is nothing to be happy about, but I try not to let my worry show.
“I hope you don’t mind, but my father stopped by to say hello to you all,” she says, indicating a figure standing behind her.
“I wanted to come check out this place.”
Alex’s father hugs me tightly for a few minutes and seems to have a hard time letting go of me. Sighing, he lets go and his eyes betray his worry.
“I’m happy, sir.”
“Sir? Child, I have known you since you were in diapers!”
I laugh and ruffle my hair to mask my embarrassment.
“So, how are things going for you boys? Seems to be a jumping place.”
“We can’t complain.”
“While you two catch up, I’m going to go say hi to Rain, okay?” Alex tells us. “See you in five minutes.” Alex leaves us and I follow her with my eyes until she disappears in the crowd.
I turn again to her father, who has decided to have a breakdown here, now, in front of me. He wipes his eyes with the back of his hand and says nothing, looking at the spot from where his daughter disappeared.
“Sit down, let me offer you something to drink,” I tell him.
He sits down and I order two pints from Patrick.
“Excuse me dropping in like this. I don’t want to be nosy.”
“Don’t talk that way Joe, you’re part of the family.”
He forces a smile and takes a sip of his beer.
“I wanted to tell you that she’s happy, you know?” he goes on. “I haven’t seen her like this since before everything started.”