by A. S. Kelly
I lower my gaze and lose myself in my glass because I know this conversation is going to have repercussions on me that I’m not ready for.
“Thank you, Jason,” he says, putting a hand on my arm. “Thank you for giving me back my baby.”
“I haven’t done anything, Joe.”
“Oh, that’s not true. You’ve done quite a lot. You still are. You’ve given her hope and a will to live. I can’t tell you how long it’s been since I’ve seen her motivated and I couldn’t do anything to stop her slowly resigning to the situation.”
I swallow this beer too quickly. I didn’t even want it, but I’m hoping that with the drink, I can also swallow this lump in my throat.
“Jason, things aren’t going well, but I think you already know that. Alex is stubborn, always has been. She refuses to feel ill and insists that she shouldn’t be treated as such. She wanted to find that job, help out at the café and I know she gives a hand here too sometimes. And I understand her.
“See, she simply wants to live and I had to accept it, so that she would never live with regret. I know that you two, well…that you’ve started dating and I’m not here to say that you shouldn’t be doing what you want, that you shouldn’t do what you feel. The only thing I want to say is…please don’t start something if you’re not planning on sticking it out.”
I set the glass down and take a deep breath before looking him in the eye.
“Believe me, I’m not going anywhere, Joe.”
He nods and dries his eyes again and then smiles at me.
“I’m glad to hear it, kid. You know, I knew your mother pretty well and I have to say that you’re like she was. You both have the same kindness and strength. And the same heart.”
Hearing someone talk about my mother still hurts me but I know Joe means it well.
“Your dad is also a good man. I’ve known him forever. He has had his bad times and went through it in the worst of ways, but he’s a good man like you are. I couldn’t ask for better for my little girl.”
Okay, this is the knockout punch. I bite my lip hard and do everything possible to hold back the tears, but it’s hard. Jesus, is it hard.
“I’ve spoken too much. I’m gonna go now, I don’t want to interfere.”
“Stay, please stay,” I say without hesitating. “We’re going to play in a bit, and I’d like you to hear us.”
“Just for a few songs then.”
“Perfect,” I say, getting off my stool.
“And Jason?”
“Yes?”
“Don’t worry. Everything’ll work out.”
I clench my fists, nod and walk away before my emotions can betray me, showing me for what I really am.
Weak, terrified, lost.
She is here, a few meters away from me, and the awareness that in a few days she could be gone makes every gesture I offer seem useless.
I feel useless.
I understand that all the love in the world cannot save her. All the love that I have for her isn’t enough and never will be.
I can’t protect her.
I can’t protect the woman I love.
—
ALEX
“Hey Dad, come with us.”
“Nah, I don’t want to interfere with your girl talk.”
“Oh Joe,” Rain intervenes. “We’re not saying anything you don’t already know.”
My dad laughs and sits at the table with me and Rain as we wait for the guys to take the stage. I’m happy he stayed to listen to the guys play and is spending a bit of time with us. Makes it seem real, easy. I wish it could always be like this.
I see Liam get up on stage and check the amplifiers and make sure everything’s in place. He is followed by the others, who grab their instruments and get ready for a few minutes before Jason takes the mic.
“Here we are. It’s Thursday night and the Four Reasons To Die are ready to make this night more of a ruckus than it already is thanks to the four pints you’ve already downed…Yes, I’m talking to you Big Ned, it’s useless to pretend you don’t know who I’m talking about. Sorry for the delay, and here we go,” he concludes and I’m thinking, this is the strangest intro I’ve ever heard.
I smile from the table and he rewards me with his dimples and I sink my nails into Rain’s arm, who lets out a scream in surprise. My father looks at me and, laughing under his mustache, shakes his head.
I try to gather myself but I get lost just a second later watching his hands fly over the guitar strings—these same hands that were sweetly caressing my back last night.
’Cause if one day you wake up and find that you’re missing me… And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be.
Oh mama. I wasn’t expecting this.
Thinking maybe you’ll come back here to the place that we’d meet… And you’ll see me waiting for you on the corner of the street.
He doesn’t take his eyes off me and as Liam sings and the others are busy playing on their instruments, he doesn’t take his eyes off of me.
His hands fly on their own, they don’t need to look at the chords, but he is looking at me, because this song is for me.
So I’m not moving, I’m not moving.
And he stays frozen like that, even his hands stop.
’Cause you’ll know it’s just for you… I’m the man who can’t be moved… I’m the man who can’t be moved.
His eyes lock with mine, impassable and sure.
I am able to draw strength and determination from it and wrap myself up in it.
I know I’ll be able to dip into this sense of security when mine wavers. When I won’t have anything to hold on to, I’ll pull out this memory, this contact right here, that has never been separated even by the years passed away from each other.
This is the tie that keeps me living.
This man is my life.
The music ends and the pub fills with its first drunken whistles of the night. Jason sets down his guitar against the wall and comes straight to me and I can feel all dubious eyes upon me.
I feel my heart go right to my throat and my legs turn to jelly. He stops just short of our table. Dad and Rain get up and walk away discreetly, as he sets his hands on the wood and leans towards me.
I can hear background noises, the buzz of the pub, the clinking of glasses and Liam talking at the microphone, but I’m not able to distinguish the different sounds.
I look at him and in an instant I realize that there is no other world.
There is no other face, other eyes, lips or hands.
Another man.
Another love.
“I want you to promise me something,” he says seriously. “You have to promise me now, Alex, that you’ll stay with me forever and that you’ll never leave me again.”
“Jay…” I whisper.
“Jason,” he corrects.
“I can’t promise you that, and you know it.”
“I need to hear it, Alex. Please.”
And even though I know it’s something I can’t say, I can’t resist the way he is looking at me and the words he is saying.
“I’ll never leave you again, Jason.”
“Okay,” he says, relaxing his shoulders, and he takes a chair and sits next to me. “Because that would be a problem.”
I shake my head and wrinkle my forehead.
“It would be a problem if you decided to do it because I will not let you go anywhere. I swear to you. You are the love of my life, Alex McBride, and I will never give you up again. I will be there. For you. Forever. No matter what.”
There are many things I’d like to reply, but in all truth I’m not able to emit a sound.
I’d like to tell him that what’s happened in the past isn’t important now because the only thing that matters to me is the way he is looking at me and I wish it would go on forever.
“And now, if you’ll permit me, I’d like to take you away from here. To kiss you too…not necessarily in that order.”
&nb
sp; I laugh through my tears as he stands up and takes my hands, inviting me to do the same. He rests his forehead on mine and speaks into my lips: “God, Alex, I wish you could know what I feel just standing next to you. I’m not able to explain it…but I would, I’d like to try, believe me.”
And then he takes my face in his hands and he kisses me.
And I let myself be kissed, without anxiety, without thinking about my heartbeat or the operation or death itself.
I don’t think at all, and maybe I’m not even really here because I lose myself in him, forever.
25
JASON
We leave the pub, the noise and the curious eyes that haven’t taken their leave of us, even for a second. I hold Alex to me and kiss her temple as I feel her shaking by my side.
“Are you nervous?” I ask, looking at her.
“No, I’m fine, I’m just cold.”
“Well then, let’s get off the street. I’ll take you to dinner, what do you say?”
“To be honest, I’m tired and I don’t really feel like going out.”
“Want me to bring you home?”
“To your house. Bring me to your place.”
To my place? Good Lord.
“O-okay,” I murmur, not quite convinced.
“Don’t you want to?”
“What’s that?”
“Don’t you want to be with me?”
What the hell kind of question is that? I want to be with her every second of every damned day. It just makes me nervous being too close to her alone. Because I’m afraid to accelerate things, afraid to hurt her.
“Of course I want to be with you, Alex. Let’s go home, I’ll make you something to eat and we can do what you want. Watch a movie, play cards…”
“Play cards?” She’s making fun of me, and she’s right. I’d do the same thing if I were in her place.
“Anything you want.”
She smiles and lets her head relax on my shoulder.
Whatever you want, Alex.
Anything that makes you feel good and keeps you living.
“Need a hand?”
When we get home I open the fridge and pull out what I’m able to dig up. We’re not great architects of food in this house. We’re lazy and always in a rush, we don’t have time for shopping or cooking, but Rain likes to go to the market and when we’re lucky, we can scrape up something edible.
I’ve found a chicken, some mushrooms, potatoes and am trying to put everything together in a pan, with passable results.
“It’s almost ready, relax.”
As I’m at the stove in the kitchen, I hear Alex moving around in the house, touching things, looking at pictures. It doesn’t bother me to have her here, looking around. It puts me in a good mood and I find myself smiling.
It all seems so normal and natural. She’s already part of my daily life, as if it had been this way all along and that our lives hadn’t taken different paths.
I think this is how you’re supposed to feel with the person you love, with a person who belongs to you. Everything feels spontaneous and comes naturally, you just feel like yourself.
I turn off the flames on the hob and put some food on our plates. I bring it to the table, where she has already set out the cutlery and I invite her to sit in front of me. She smiles at me and sits down, after having taken some pills that I don’t want to know anything about.
“Thank you,” she tells me as she tries a bite of food. “It’s all perfect, Jason. You’re perfect.”
Okay. And now? Should I throw down my plate and jump on top of her? How am I supposed to respond after her eyes have looked at me down to my soul, giving me all of the love I’ll ever need?
“You are perfect, Alex.”
She shakes her head and smiles bitterly, taking another sip of her drink.
“No, I’m not and you know it. I’m sick and I always will be.”
“Your illness doesn’t define who you are. You aren’t your illness. You’re my Alex, my wonderful, sweet Alex.”
She smiles at me with big eyes and lets her silverware go and I know it’s not because it isn’t tasting good.
“I have to tell you something,” she says and I also forget about dinner.
“This is the last night I’m going to be able to stay here,” she continues, lowering her glance. “Starting tomorrow I’m going to be undergoing some medical tests. They might even decide to keep me there until the operation.”
I rest my elbows on the table and let my head fall to my hands.
“What? Why?”
She shrugs her shoulders.
“Are you…unwell?”
I don’t know how to say it. I don’t know how to ask her if she is dying, right now, in these hours, right in front of me.
“They prefer keeping me under observation, it’s just a bit…safer,” she says in a trembling voice.
“You’ve gotten worse, haven’t you? And it’s my fault,” I say, resigned to it.
And I believe it. In fact, I’m sure of it. My nearness, the pressure I’ve put her under. I’m just hurting her.
“No, Jason. It had already started before you came back into my life. We’ve tried several things and they haven’t worked. It would have happened anyway, believe me. It’s not your fault.”
And yet I can’t help thinking it is.
I feel guilty, impotent and alone. Terribly alone. But I have to be strong to react—for her and for me.
“Okay,” I tell her, wiping my eyes before extending my hand to her. “We’ve got tonight and then…all the other nights after that.” I try to sound reassuring and calming, even if I’m feeling anything but.
“If they’ll come,” she says, squeezing my fingers.
I don’t feel like contradicting her because I don’t want to waste a moment. So I let go of her hand and stand up and go to the other side of the table, kneeling down in front of her. She puts her hands in my hair and smiles sweetly at me and with every second that passes I feel myself dying a little.
I lean up to her and kiss her tenderly, to let her know I am hers, for always, no matter what happens in the next few days or years. Then I move and take her hand, inviting her to stand up. I slip an arm under her legs and the other behind her shoulder and lift her up to me.
She doesn’t pull back, get scared or say anything. She rests her head on my chest and cuddles up in my arms.
And I feel her penetrating under my skin, layer by layer; as she slowly fills my soul, wrapping it up in her infinite sweetness; as it opens the door to my heart and takes possession, making it its home.
—
ALEX
He takes me in his arms and I rest my head on his chest. He carries me upstairs, to his room, into his bed, where I want to stay tonight even if it turns out to be my last.
He sits next to me, rubbing my hair that’s spread out on the pillow.
“I want to do everything with you, Jason,” I confess.
He stops touching me, closes his eyes and sighs in search of the courage he doesn’t feel in this moment. Even if I’m not afraid, he is—terribly afraid.
“Are you scared?” I ask him, raising myself to my elbows.
He opens his eyes and looks at me intensely, as if his life depended on this contact.
“I’m afraid that this could be our last night and that it’s not enough for me.”
He turns his back on me and again takes his head into his hands. I sit up and hug him, resting my head on his shoulder.
“I want to live now, Jason. Here with you. I don’t want to think about tomorrow or next week. I just want to think about me and you together right now.” I pause a few seconds but he doesn’t move a muscle. I lift my head, moving closer to his ear.
“Make love to me, Jason,” I whisper as his body goes stiff at the sound of what I’ve just proposed. “I want to be yours.”
“Alex…”
“Don’t make me beg you. You told me you wanted to do lots of things, that you wanted to make
up for some lost time, that you wanted to be my boyfriend. Well, this is it. Be my boyfriend and make love with me now. I want to be yours forever.”
“But you already are.”
“I want to really be yours in every way. I want this memory for the both of us. But if it should hurt you too much, then what we have now will be enough for me.”
“It’s already so difficult, Alex. If I should sleep with you now…I really don’t think this one time will be enough for me. I can’t live without you, don’t you understand that? I don’t want to. I’m doing my best here, I’m trying to be strong about it. But if I were to really feel you…” He sighs. “I wouldn’t even be able to breathe away from you.”
“I understand,” I whisper next to tears and letting up my grip on him. “That’s okay, we’ll just stay like this.”
“No, it’s not okay,” he says, decided. He takes my face in his hands and brings it right to his lips. “I’ve waited for this moment my whole life, Alex,” he concludes before kissing my mouth.
My heartbeat accelerates and it’s hard for me to catch my breath, but I don’t want to panic, I don’t want to change my mind or give up this chance with him.
“I want to make love with you,” he whispers, separating himself from me as I gasp for air. He pushes me sweetly down on my back and lays over me, resting his elbows by my head. “I want to be the first and the only man you give everything to, and I’d like to give you everything that you deserve.”
He kisses the corners of my mouth. “I want to watch you, caress you, kiss you and let you really know what I’m feeling, what I’ve been keeping for years, because you are the only woman for me. The only one I am able to give myself completely to. You’re the one, Alex. You’re the part of me that was missing. I knew it when I was thirteen years old, at fifteen at twenty…You and I together are simply perfect.” He bites my lip and smiles broadly. “So, yes, Alex, I want to make love with you more than anything else in the world, because I too need to feel like you are mine. To feel that we belong to one another, but I don’t want to force you, pressurize you or make you feel uncomfortable in any way,” he says, continuing to kiss my face tenderly between his words. “We can stop whenever you want, alright? Just tell me.”