Drift

by Anna Brooks

  “What happened?” I ask, knowing I’m missing something.

  “Not my place to say.”

  “Well, it’s my place to say I think you’re a nice guy, Gio. And I hope you find your ride or die.”

  After this statement, he laughs again, but someone starts messing with the doorknob, Gio jumps up from Carter’s black leather couch and stands in front of me. His hand goes to the small of his back. The door is like an old flip-book as it opens, and when Carter walks through, both Gio and I sigh. I think having him here with me is overkill, but it gives Carter peace of mind.

  “Hey.”

  “You didn’t call, asshole.” Gio grabs his phone. “Almost shot your fuckin’ head off.”

  Carter sets a bag on the countertop. “Shit, sorry. Everything good?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Yes.” We say at the same time.

  “But I’m outta here before your girl tries to talk to me about relationships anymore.” He turns and winks at me, then he and Carter bump fists before he walks out.

  I gravitate toward Carter, and he pulls me to him, wrapping his arms around me and giving me a chaste kiss. “Hi.”

  “Hi.”

  “Are you okay?”

  “Yes.”

  I tilt my head up. “How was work?”

  “Fine. I got my schedule cleared for a little while.”

  “You didn’t have to do that.”

  “I want to. You don’t have a job right now, and that shit that happened is fucked up, and I don’t want you outta my sight for at least a little while.” He’s almost frantic as he speaks. “I can’t lose you. I almost did, and I just… I need you close for a while. You can get a job in a little bit, but for now, just be with me where I can control what happens.”

  I put my hands on his face. “What happened?”

  “You were—”

  “Not me. Something happened, and this brought up whatever feelings you have from that.”

  He steps back. “Nothing happened.”

  “You’re lying.”

  “Why are you even bringing it up? You were almost fucking sold—”

  “But I wasn’t because you saved me. You did that. And there’s something that happened when you were younger—”

  “Bullshit. You met my parents. You sat on that couch”—he points at the living room—“and listened to their stories about how I slept with my baby blanket until I was twelve, and that I got the chicken pox twice. They told you that I played Peter Pan in my fifth-grade play, and I had a hamster named Powder who died on Christmas day when I was seven.”

  “Those were all stories they told me, though. You haven’t told me anything, Carter. And I haven’t brought it up because I can tell you’re still hurting, but you’re holding back something from me. And whatever it was wasn’t something in a photo album.” Not only was this something I suspected earlier, but it was also something Gio just confirmed.

  His fingers tug at his hair, and he walks away from me, pacing in the kitchen in his track pants and a tight white t-shirt.

  “Why don’t you ever talk about it? Why don’t you ever let me help you? I know it has something to do with surfing, right?”

  And just like that, I get Ice Carter. He pushes away from the countertop and brushes past me.

  “What happened?” I beg.

  “Nothing.”

  “What happened?”

  He shakes his head. “I’m not talking about this with you.”

  “Have you talked about it with anybody?”

  “Yes! Okay, I have. I’ve fucking talked until I was blue in the face, but nothing makes it better. Nothing takes it away. The closest I’ve come to peace is when I’m with you, and I don’t want to talk about it with you. I can’t fucking taint what we have because I can’t live without you.”

  My eyes burn, but I don’t let his vows overshadow the real problem. “Did you ever think maybe I could help you get past it?”

  “If we’re really gonna do this, baby, why don’t you tell me about your shit? Ladies first and all that.”

  “What shit?”

  “You know. And the fact that you do and haven’t told me about it is the reason I’d think that you would understand I don’t want to fucking talk about my shit!” He leans into me, and I flinch. All the anger disappears, and he pulls me against him. “Shit, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, honey.”

  I wrap my arms around him. “It’s fine. I shouldn’t push. You’re right. I’m sorry.”

  “You don’t need to apologize. I should never yell at you like that.”

  I don’t disagree but settle into his embrace, which is exactly where I want to be. Forever. But for now, I’ll take today. And I’ll take now.

  And I’ll let him hold me all day and laugh a little too loudly when he tries to make a joke. I’ll smile so he thinks I’m doing okay. I’ll talk his ear off so he can’t bring it up.

  But what I won’t do is let him feel like he failed me. He didn’t and couldn’t ever. Because it’s impossible for him to fail me when he’s already succeeded in saving me.

  Chapter 15

  Carter

  “Carter,” she whispers.

  “Yeah?”

  “Are you awake?” She rolls from her side to her back. The moonlight shining through the slit in the curtain makes her skin glow.

  I chuckle. “Yeah, honey. I’m awake.”

  “Why can’t you sleep?”

  “My mind won’t shut off.”

  “Me either.”

  She bites her lip as if she’s contemplating something.

  “Spit it out, babe.”

  “With everything that’s happened. I’m talking since I’ve met you. With getting fired and the whole soap opera thing, I… I have no idea what I want to do with my life.”

  “You’re young, honey. So young. You have time.”

  “It’s just… I’ve been thinking.”

  I wait for a moment, and when she brings her eyes to mine, I raise an eyebrow.

  “I don’t know if I want to do the soap opera thing anymore. At all. Like, ever.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because I think… I think it was a dream of mine because I thought I would only ever be able to pretend that I was happy. That there wasn’t a guy out there who’d save me. But now that I’ve found the real thing, faking it with someone else doesn’t sound appealing at all.”

  My throat feels like it’s closing in when I swallow. “That’s legit the most beautiful thing anyone’s ever said to me.”

  She shrugs like it’s no big deal when she doesn’t realize how damn much I needed to hear that. “I think when she sent me away, when she told me to make something of myself, I only looked at it as like monetary or with fame. But I think she’d be just as happy and just as proud to know I have a man who makes me happy and protects me.”

  “I’m honored to be that man for you, Billie.” I want to know more about her upbringing, but right now is definitely not the right time to press her for more information.

  “It still kind of doesn’t feel real to me, though. It’s so much better than I ever thought it could be. The actresses don’t do this feeling justice, and seriously, I don’t think I could fake it with anyone else.”

  “What do you want to do?”

  She shrugs again. “Honestly?”

  “Course, honey.”

  “You were right. I feel kind of lost.” Her breath hitches, and a tear rolls down her face. “I don’t know what I want, and I feel like, for the past three years, I’ve done nothing but lie to myself.”

  “You’re strong, Bille. So strong to have been completely alone when you were still so young. You don’t need to decide anything right now. I promise you, I want to take care of you. It’d actually make me really happy to be able to do that, so there’s seriously no rush for you to do anything until you figure out exactly what you want to do.”

  She wipes her face with the sheet and laughs. “I don’t know what I’d do without you
.”

  “You’ll never have to find out.”

  Billie

  We’re watching the sun come up because neither of us slept well, if at all. We moved from the bed to the patio. I’m in front of him, and he’s got his arms around me, and we’ve got a blanket covering us. We barely slept, but I feel so alive. We talked all night about nothing and everything.

  But I didn’t broach the subject about my mom. Until now. I want to tell him. He was right when he said he could tell I was keeping things from him. I just don’t want him to ever see me as the girl I used to be.

  So I take a breath, and tell him, “My mom tried.”

  He sits up a little and turns to face me. “Tried what?”

  “To protect me.”

  He puts a finger under my chin and tilts my head up. “Protect you from what?”

  “My father. He was a mean man, and it was tough, but my mom made it as easy as she could.”

  “Is she…” He swallows. “Is she still alive, baby?”

  “Yes. At least, I think she is. I haven’t talked to her since I left.”

  “Why not?”

  “She told me not to. But Carter, I’m scared to go back because I’m afraid she’ll be dead. I’m afraid it’ll be worse. I’m afraid if I go back, I won’t get to leave again.”

  He looks at me with sympathy, and I’ve never felt as small as I do right now.

  He puts his hands on my shoulders. “Let’s go.”

  “What?”

  “I was going to take you away for a little while with everything that’s happened. I thought it would be good to go somewhere alone where we don’t have to worry about anything else. Let’s go to your mom. You won’t be able to fully relax until you have her back in your life.”

  “But what about your work? I know you said you could take care of me, but—”

  “God, I love you.” He takes a sip of his juice and sets the cup back down on the ground. “Okay, something I haven’t told you because it’s not a bad topic for me, it’s a topic that’s a fuckin’ living nightmare, but I’ll tell you now. God.” He licks his lips, and I watch as his Adam’s apple slowly raises and lowers. “You know I used to surf.”

  I dip my head. “Yeah.”

  “When I say surf, I mean, I made millions of dollars surfing because I was that good.”

  “Oh, wow. I had no idea surfers even made that much.”

  “The good ones do. But this doesn’t change what we have or who we are. All that means to you is that you know you will never want for anything. So if for some reason I lost my job at Royal, I’ve got us covered.”

  My heart beats really slowly. It thuds against my chest but does it at a pace that makes me think it’s just going to stop at any minute. “Why did you stop surfing?”

  “I’m not ready to tell you that.”

  “Why not? I told you about my parents.”

  “The way you look at me, Billie. Like I’m your whole world… I don’t want that to change. And if you knew, I’m afraid that’s exactly what would happen.”

  It wouldn’t. I know it. But the truth is, I know how he feels because I’m terrified if he found out some of the things I’ve done, he’d stop looking at me like I’m his whole world. “I don’t know what else to say, to be honest.”

  “You don’t have to say anything, honey. I just don’t want you worried about little shit like that when you should be focusing on going to see your mom. It’s been what, three years?”

  “Yes.” I want so badly to see her, but how can I possibly ask him to do this. “But I can’t ask—”

  He puts a finger to my lips. “You didn’t ask. I offered. And being with you is where I need to be. Nothing else matters right now, okay?”

  “Okay, but I’m going to tell you now that I haven’t been back there in three years. I don’t… I don’t know if anything’s changed.”

  “You don’t sound very excited to go. I thought you’d want to see your mom.”

  “I do. I’m just scared.” And embarrassed for him to see where I come from.

  His smile reassures me. “You’ll be with me, and I won’t let anybody hurt you. Not even your father.”

  “It’s not just that. It’s… what if it really is worse than when I left? What if she’s… what if she’s dead?”

  “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.” He gives me a quick kiss, then pats me on the butt. “Go pack a bag so we can get outta here. I’ll get things with the plane figured out.” I wish I could be as confident as he is, but I’m just going to have to suck it up.

  I allow myself to feel some excitement while he’s not looking as I rush across the hall to my apartment and grab a bag, then throw some stuff in it. I turn out of my room and into the hallway, then scream when I see Carter. “You scared the bejeezus outta me.”

  “Sorry, babe. You have everything you need?”

  “Yep.”

  “Cool, let’s hit it.”

  In his Jeep to the airport, things start to make a little more sense about Carter. I try to think of things and focus on him, so I don’t have a conniption about what’s going to happen when I get back to Wisconsin. I barely notice we parked, but when he turns the ignition off, I sit up straighter.

  We walk through the small airport, and I’m trying my best not to let the insane amount of fear coursing through my body show. His arm draped leisurely around my shoulder offers some comfort, but that’s about it. I don’t want him to see where I came from, and I don’t want to run into my father or anyone else for that matter. There are so many fears that I can’t keep track of them all. Thinking about Carter doesn’t work because everything manages to morph into this weird montage of my shitty life.

  “You okay?” He turns me so my back is against the glass separating us from the runway.

  “Sure.”

  His strong hands come up to rest on my shoulders, and he dips his head. “Liar.”

  “I’ve never flown before.” I lick my lips and glance over his shoulder at the two men who just walked in. They nod at me, and Carter gives them a chin lift as they pass. “I’m just freaked out about it.” Which isn’t a lie, but I’m more afraid of what I’m going to find at home than plummeting to my death on the way.

  He inches closer until his chest rubs against mine. His lips rain kisses on my cheek before he brings them to my mouth, gently coaxing it open with his tongue. I melt into him, gripping the flaps of his jacket and pulling him even closer.

  He hums before pulling away, and I whine in protest. “You still scared?”

  “No. You have magical powers.”

  He smiles. “It’s not magic, honey. It’s love; that’ll do it to ya.”

  “We’re ready whenever you are.” A voice comes from somewhere, but I don’t see who from since he’s pretty much covering me with his body.

  “Be right there.” Carter smiles and swipes his thumb across my lip. “You get scared again, and I promise I’ll take your mind off it, okay?”

  “Okay.”

  Following him outside and directly up the steps of the plane, I’m so confused because even though I’ve never been on a plane or even in an airport, I don’t think this is normal. Once we’re inside, I marvel at how pretty everything is. Four off-white leather seats in the center and two rows across from each other that have three seats each.

  I am way out of my league and way out of my element. Carter puts a hand on my hip and gives me a little tug. “Come sit, baby.”

  After plopping in one of the chairs, he reaches over and buckles my belt. “Ready?”

  “Sure.”

  “It’ll be all right, promise you.”

  Yes, the plane makes me nervous, but the thought of him seeing where I come from makes me want to vomit. Especially after it sinks in just how damn wealthy he and his family are. I should have said no. He’s never going to look at me the same, and if he sees my father… gosh, I don’t want to put him in that position to even be in the same room as that man.

  But I f
eel like this is my only shot. I’ll never be able to get her out on my own, and I’ll definitely never have the confidence to approach my dad alone, so having Carter at my back gives me the extra push I need to finally put my past to rest.

  Chapter 16

  Carter

  “So, uh, what’s the deal with this plane?” She bites her lip, nervousness in the question.

  “It’s the company’s.”

  Her jaw drops a couple of inches before she snaps it shut again. “Oh, gosh. Carter, we have to turn around. We need to go back.”

  “Why?”

  “Because you… you. This is your life. This is what you’re used to. And me… I’m… You can’t see where I come from. I didn’t think this through all the way, what with the possibility of seeing my mom again. Now you’ll realize how messed up I am, and I don’t want you to. I’ve been so worried about everything else that happened that I’m not thinking straight. This… Carter, we can’t do this.” Her fingers twist in her hair, and her face pales. “You can’t see.”

  “It’ll be fine, honey. I promise you.”

  “No, Carter, you don’t understand.”

  I move from my seat across from her to the one next to her. “Then make me.”

  She looks me dead in the eyes; her perseverance a force to be reckoned with even if she doesn’t know it. For everything that she’s been through just since the months that I’ve known her, I almost don’t believe she’s still so level-headed. “I’m trash, Carter. Full-blown one hundred percent trash.”

  “You are not.” I take her hands. “You’re not. What you are is beautiful. And talented. And smart. And mine, Billie. You are not trash. You’re the woman I love, and the woman I love needs to have her mom in her life, so that’s what we’re going to do. I don’t own this jet; it belongs to the company. Yes, I have money, but it doesn’t mean I think I’m better than you or anyone. If anything, you’re too good for me.”

  When she falls against me and grips my arms so tight I can feel her nails through my shirt, I hold her and wonder what the fuck I’ve been doing wrong that I didn’t know how bad this shit really was. How strong she’s been to keep everything in for years and manage on her own.