Fatal Attraction

by Mia Ford

  I keep trying to cling to this on the happy times that are now nothing more than a memory. I don’t want to go because I gave up my apartment to live here because I was so desperate for the family unit that I wasn’t thinking sensibly. Or practically anyway. The baby is about to come and I keep thinking it might get better, but it isn’t going to, is it? Will’s mood keeps darkening and it continues to get harder. I can’t keep babying him and pussy footing around his emotions when I have a newborn baby hanging from my breast. I need to put my baby boy first. And I don’t have much longer to escape. He’ll be born soon then it’ll be impossible to get out.

  I turn on my heels and I stalk into the bedroom, my heart burning with hurt and rage as I go. I can’t do this anymore, I can’t keep tiptoeing about on egg shells. I need to get somewhere that I feel safe. Will doesn’t make me feel that way anymore, I feel sad and in danger with him. His mood could explode at any given moment.

  I grab my belongings and I stuff them into the nearest bag I can grab. I won’t be able to take everything, but some things will do for now. I hope Michelle will take me in, she’s half offered her spare room to me in a roundabout way anyway, I just didn’t think I would ever be the one to take it. Now I have to.

  The sad thing is, Will doesn’t even come into the room to see what I’m up to. I can hear him shuffling on the couch, still swigging his beer, refusing to care what I’m doing. If this were the other way around I would be on him instantly, trying to help him through his moods. He doesn’t care about me at all, that’s clear. I’m doing the right thing by going. I need to get out of this environment before it becomes toxic. Even more so.

  I storm out into the living room, pursing my lips tightly together as I go. There’s a volcano building behind my mouth and it’s about ready to flow out like poison lava at any given moment. I don’t know if I want it to really, I’m not sure I want to have this argument. I think I just want to slide away with dignity.

  “I, erm…” A thick ball of emotion lodges itself in my throat. “I’m going. To Michelle’s house.”

  Will rolls his eyes and pushes himself into a sitting potion. “You can’t go anywhere. I need to protect you.”

  Oh, that boils my blood. “Protect me?” Yep, that comes out in my very angry voice. “You aren’t protecting me. You watch me like a hawk until it doesn’t suit anymore. As soon as work calls, you ditch me wherever I am. You don’t care about me then. You don’t care about me when I’m getting to and from work, you haven’t cared about me when I’ve been stuck here on maternity leave. You only care when it suits. Well, now it suits me to go to Michelle’s house right now because I can’t stand being here any longer. The mood is fucking terrible.”

  He narrows his eyes and I can see that he’s about to explode too. “Oh, well I’m fucking sorry that I can’t be sweetness and light all the time. My friend just died, on the case that I’m working on. I’m under threat, this asshole Kingpin has made it very obvious that he’s after me, and that’s why Andre got killed. That’s what I want to save you from, I don’t want you to die as well. It’s almost as if you don’t appreciate how much I care.”

  The guilt and stress rolls off him in waves. It makes me feel bad for bringing any of this up at all. Maybe I’ve been selfish trying to express my emotions when he’s clearly going through so much himself. Then again, I’m allowed to have feelings too, don’t I? “I didn’t know any of that, did I? You don’t tell me anything.”

  Will stands now and he paces the room. The heat that emanates off of his body is intense. “I told you enough, you understand what I’m doing. I don’t tell you things to keep you safe.”

  “Why is this Kingpin guy after you anyway? What’s so special about you? I don’t get it.”

  Will’s face turns a funny purpley red shade as he balls his fists up by his side. “I don’t get it either.”

  I sling the bag higher up onto my shoulder. “Well then I definitely need to get out of here. If you aren’t safe then I need to be somewhere I can protect our baby. This is stupid, I can’t believe you’ve kept me here.”

  “I’ve kept you here so I can keep an eye on you! I can’t look after you if you’re somewhere else.”

  “No one knows about us really, only Michelle.” Oh, and Annabelle, but since I’ve heard nothing from her in ages I guess I can assume that she isn’t interested anymore. There’s no point in bringing her up. “And no one knows that my baby is yours, so surely I’m safe? Surely, I will be better away from you.”

  Will’s ragged breaths fall out of his mouth, I can tell that he’s trying to come up with a rational retort but he’s struggling. That’s because it’s dumb. I’m a burden to him. Me living in his home is making the both of us unhappy. It isn’t saving anyone, it’s just adding on stress. If I can get out of here, I can go to Michelle’s while I sort myself somewhere out. Somewhere away from here and him. That’s better for both of us.

  “Right, well I think that’s decided then,” I continue deflated. “I’m off.”

  I pause for just a second longer for him to reach out to me to stop me, but it seems that me and Will are on the same page for the first time in months. I hate that I’m losing my family unit, this is what I want, but if it’s like this then what’s the point? Why should I bother fighting for something that’s never going to happen? It’s a losing battle. Finally, I can see this for what it really is. It’s nothing. It’s not my fantasy.

  I grip onto the door handle and I turn it slowly, trying to keep the tears inside before I escape. Once I’m in Michelle’s house, I can crumble and fall apart then, but I don’t want Will to see it.

  “Oh, shit!” I cry out in shock as something very unexpected happens. “No, not yet, not now!”

  I glance down, horror filling my eyes. I cannot believe it, this is just freaking typical! It’s not supposed to be right yet, I have at least a week left. This is early, I have to find a way to stop it, at least until I leave…

  “What’s going on?” Will demands, instantly reaching towards his holster for his gun. “What’s happened?”

  “No, no, nothing like that. It’s just…” I give him a hopeless look. “My waters have broken.”

  “Does that mean…” All of a sudden, he sounds much less confident. “The baby…”

  I nod. “Yep. The baby is coming. Now, at the worst fucking time. I have to go to the hospital.”

  “Have you had no signs?” Oh God, Will is panicking. “No contractions, or whatever?”

  “I’ve been in pain, but I just thought it was the stress. I didn’t realize…” No, we can’t argue the toss about this right now, it’s a waste of time. “Do you know what? Forget it, just please get me to the hospital.”

  After that argument, I don’t know what Will is going to do when we get there. He might leave me to go through it alone since he doesn’t seem too concerned with our child, but that’s not my main priority. He can’t be my focus anymore, I have something new now. My baby boy is coming no matter what I want.

  “Yes, I’ll get the car now.” Will’s face has lost all its color which isn’t a great sign. “You just… wait. I’ll… I’ll… I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”

  If he’d been less preoccupied recently then he would, but there’s no point in delving into that right now. “It’s fine. Let’s just get out of here now unless you want me to give birth on your carpet. I’m sure that’s the last thing you need. The clean up will be horrible.”

  He tries to laugh at my crappy joke, but he doesn’t manage it. I guess none of this is really funny…

  Chapter Eighteen – Will

  As I hold baby Jordan in my arms, I realize that my whole world has changed. The foundation that I’ve always existed on has shifted completely. He’s the center now, the focus of my universe. All the petty bullshit that’s ever come before him has vanished into nothing. It’s all about him and his little nose, his adorable mouth, his lovely eyes that are just like his mothers. It might not have been int
entional, but me and Cici made this little guy. That’s going to bond us forever, that’ll solidify us for the rest of our lives. I don’t know what’s going to happen between us, but we have him to keep us together forever. We have a little man to focus on.

  “He’s beautiful, isn’t he?” I say in a moony tone. “I cannot believe that we made him.”

  I turn my eyes to look at Cici, who’s still looking slick with sweat and utterly exhausted. I’ve seen some strength in my time, but what she just did then was nothing short of a miracle. I cannot believe that any human can do that. Giving birth is something else! It’s awoken something inside of me, it’s made me realize that I’ve been sleeping through life for the last few weeks, focusing only on my own problems, not on what’s going on with her. I’ve been selfish, self absorbed, and now I need to be better. She deserves me to be better.

  “I know, he’s lovely, isn’t he? And I’m so happy that we finally decided on a name.”

  “Jordan. Jordan Yoker.” I give her a side eyed look. “He will have my surname, won’t he?”

  She shrugs, clearly too tired to discuss this right now, but it has sparked something inside of me. I want Jordan to have my last name and I want Cici to have it as well. I want us to be a real family. I know that she was about to walk out of my life, but I can’t let that happen. Not just because I want to protect her, but because I like her a lot. I think I might more than like her. I can see her as my wife, I can imagine us really making it work.

  I lie Jordan in his baby bed, now that he’s asleep and I turn to look at Cici. She’s trying to push herself into a sitting position but she’s wincing as if she’s in pain. “Do you need a nurse? What can I do to help you?”

  “No, no.” She pants through the pain. “I’m okay, just… very sore, that’s all. It hurts pushing a baby out.”

  I chuckle at her joke and take the seat next to her bed. There are so many unsaid things floating between us, so much that I want to say. It probably isn’t the right time, Jordan was only born a few hours ago, but I don’t want to leave it as it is. I want to make things right between us. I want us to be okay again.

  “Cici, I’m sorry…” I start while reaching out to touch the soft skin of her hand. “I’m sorry for everything. I know that I’ve been shit recently and I shouldn’t have taken it out on you. That was wrong of me.”

  Her face stiffens, I can see the tension flooding her. That wasn’t what I wanted to happen. “It’s okay. I know that you’ve been through a hard time recently. I understand with what’s happened and everything…”

  Urgh, another memory of Andre. It’s so painful to think about him. It’s crushing me inside. But much as it’s horrible, I know that Andre wouldn’t want me to give up on life. If he knew about me and Cici, then he’d want me to look after her and to make her happy as well. And our child… well he’d want me to do everything for him. He’d want me to fucking get this Kingpin and to bury him six feet under. For him and all of us.

  “Yeah, I know. It hasn’t been easy but that’s no excuse for what I’ve done. I’ve treated you like shit. I’ve been switched off and I haven’t done anything to help you out, even though you’ve needed it.”

  She lifts her eyes off our hands and she looks at me dead in the eyes. “So, what are we going to do?”

  “I… I don’t know,” I admit. “But I think that’s something we should talk about, don’t you?”

  “You have me now,” she says quietly. “And you have Jordan. Maybe you should rethink your job. Or not necessarily your job, I’m sure you don’t want to give up being a cop, but your role on this case. Andre has already…” She stops when she sees me flinch. “Sorry, but I don’t want the same to happen to you.”

  “Cici. I love you.” As soon as those words come out of my mouth, I realize just how true they are. I do actually love her. I’ve been falling in love with her ever since the very first day that I met her. “I love you a lot, and I want to give you everything. I want to be with you, to be the best version of myself for you because I know that you deserve that. I want to be your man. I even want to be your husband one day…”

  She sucks in a shocked breath. “Will, what are you saying? Are you listening to yourself?”

  “I am, and it’s true.” I smile and nod, accepting it fully. “I do love you and I want all of that.”

  “I… I love you too.” She furrows her eyebrows at me. “Why do I feel like there’s a ‘but’ coming?”

  “Because there is,” I admit. “I love you, but this is something that I need to do. It’s wonderful to think about leaving this case and moving on to something else, but I can’t. Kingpin has targeted me, and it’s gone too far for me to change that now. He wants it to be me, he wants me to be the one who find him. It’s a cat and mouse game.”

  “But surely that’s even more reason to walk away? To protect me and Jordan?”

  “I can see where you’re coming from, I really can, but that isn’t right. I have to solve this.”

  I beg her to understand me again, just like she has done every other time. The best thing about Cici is that she usually understands what I’m about without me needing to explain, but this might be a step too far.

  “Okay.” She finally nods slowly, agreeing with me. “Right, I see. So, what about us?”

  “I’m doing this to keep you safe, because I love you both…”

  “No.” Cici shakes her head, shutting me down. “I don’t mean that, I mean practically.”

  “I still want you to live with me, I still want you there so I know you’re both safe. I know it isn’t ideal, I’m aware that I’ve put you through a lot, but I want us to give it another go. Can we do that?”

  Cici pauses and I can see her chewing the inside of her mouth. She’s thinking about this, probably trying to work out any other way that she can make this work, but thankfully in the end she nods and agrees with me.

  “Yeah, okay. That’s okay. But if I’m going to live with you I want you to be more honest with me. I don’t feel like you’re protecting me by keeping me in the dark. I would much rather know.”

  That’s something I can’t promise. There’s no way I can lay everything on the line because of police confidentiality and safety. Cici doesn’t get it, I am keeping her safe, but I can do more.

  “I’ll be more honest,” I promise her. “I’ll tell you what I can tell you, okay?”

  She doesn’t look impressed, but in the end, she agrees. “Okay fine. If I need to know it. You must tell me.”

  At that moment, Jordan starts crying again, demanding our attention. We both spin our eyes to look at him and smile together. Having a common goal, someone to protect will only bring us closer. It isn’t going to be easy, there will be bumps along the way, but I think together we can do it. Now that we’re a little more open to one another, now that I’ve brought my walls down, I feel like we’ll be okay in the end.

  “Pass my baby here,” Cici says with a smile. “I think he’s a hungry boy and he needs a feed.”

  She’s got a natural maternal instinct too, which is amazing to see. I’m awe struck by her, I find her fascinating. I can’t wait to see her blooming in this role. Now, it’s up to me to make sure that happens smoothly. I have to make sure that Kingpin never learns about me and Cici. It’s the only way…

  “Do you think it might be time to start telling people?” Cici asks me quietly. “I don’t mean everyone, just, like, family and stuff?” She gives me a hopeful look. “I don’t want my mom to find out in a few months’ time that I have a baby, she’ll never forgive me! Can I just tell her? I won’t even tell her that you’re the father?”

  As she raises a heart stopping eyebrow at me, I find myself unable to resist. Not all families are distant like mine, I barely speak to my parents. I know from the wedding that Cici comes from a close knit set up. I can’t stop her from involving her mother in her baby’s life, that isn’t really fair, is it? I don’t have to like it. I just have to accept it and do what I ca
n to make everyone safe. Cici clearly needs to tell her mom, which is fine.

  “Sure, just your mom for now,” I tell her with a weak smile. “You know I wouldn’t do this if I didn’t think it might cause issues. I don’t want you to feel isolated. It’s just until we catch Kingpin.”

  I need to do it now, there’s no more holding back. I’m going to jump on this and make sure it’s solved. Too many lives are riding on it now. I’ll stay up all night long, every night, scanning clues until I find one. I mean, there’s still that pharmaceutical company that I didn’t get to examine. With everything that’s happened with Andre, I’ve been side tracked. But now I can get back onto it. I can find out exactly what’s going on.

  An excitement building in my chest, I’m ready now to get back to it. I’ve been in the office not really there in mind, but now that’s going to change. I have something to fight for again. Someone to fight for.

  Cici looks up at me and she gives me a really genuine smile. “If we really do love each other, then all of this will be a blip. We’ll get past it, we’ll have a real future as a family, and this will all be a distant memory.”

  Now, if that isn’t something to work towards, then I don’t know what is. The idea of being a real family with a calm and happy future is everything to me. I want that more than I ever thought I would.