Under Her Skin

by Michelle Love

  “Okay, leave Freckles out of this for now.”

  “Who?” She laughs and takes another drink of her beer. “You named the dog already?”

  “I might have. I’m dabbling with the names still. It’s a work in progress. Anyway, I’m starting to feel like I’m having to beg you to marry me and frankly that’s not a thing I thought I’d ever be doing. I did not see myself having to argue about getting the woman I love and she says she loves me to share my life and my wealth.”

  Rachelle rolls her eyes. “She loves you, Blake. It’s a sweet gesture, it really is. It’s just too soon.” She places the empty bottle on the coffee table and sits back.

  “How long then?” I lean forward and look into her eyes as I wait for her answer.

  “I was thinking that if everything went well, and we got along great and all that we could maybe get married for real in three years or so, maybe five. But a piece of paper isn’t a big concern to me.”

  I sit back and my eyes must be as wide as they’ve ever been. “Rachelle, are you shitting me? I’m worth a lot of money. The piece of paper will make sure you get it.”

  She stands up and says, “If anything ever happens to you. Yes, I’m aware of that.”

  “And what about kids?” I ask as she walks to get herself another beer it looks like as she opens the fridge and pulls out another. “When did you think about adding them into our life?”

  “I haven’t given it much thought.” She opens the beer and looks at me. “Sure you don’t want one?”

  I shake my head. “So, give the kid thing some thought. How old do you want to be before you start having kids? I’d like to have them while I’m young enough to enjoy them. Hanging out with that kid at the children’s home got me thinking how much having kids can add to your life.”

  Instead of drinking the beer, she sets it on the bar and taps her temple with her finger. “I don’t think I’ll be having time to raise kids for quite a few years.” She looks at me with a frown. “I’d like to open my own restaurant. Remember that conversation?”

  “People do have kids and still manage to work, Rachelle. You love Pax, you know you’d love to have a baby.”

  Her eyes go dark and I can see something is going through her mind and that’s probably a really bad thing. “I don’t think I’d make a very good mother. I really didn’t have a great example in that department. If it is kids you want, you might want to think about finding yourself another woman.”

  “Rachelle,” I get up and walk towards her, but she turns her back to me and crosses her arms over her chest. “Don’t. Don’t do this.”

  “Blake, this is all too fast. The whole thing. I have to think and I can’t do it around you.” She walks away and grabs her purse off the counter and goes to the door.

  “Rachelle, don’t go. We have a lot to talk about.” I follow her to the door and can feel the cold radiating off her.

  “Not now,” she says as she opens the door. “I can’t talk to you right now. I need to think.”

  I take her by the shoulders and stop her from leaving. “Don’t go. I’ll shut up. I promise. Just stay here.”

  Her head shakes, and she shrugs her shoulders. “I just need some time. I’m not the woman you seem to want. I’m not your normal, everyday mother and housewife. I don’t even know how to be that. You deserve a woman who wants the same things you do. I’m not saying I don’t want them. I am saying I don’t know how to be that woman.”

  “Rachelle, leaving right now won’t solve a damn thing. Just stay here. If anything, I’ll leave.”

  She pulls out of my grip and turns to look at me. “Blake, you stay. I just want a little time to think.”

  My heart hurts and this is anything but what I thought would happen. “Rachelle, this isn’t a normal reaction to a proposal. You do realize that, don’t you?”

  “Nothing about me is normal, Blake. You do realize that, don’t you?” Her head hangs, making her long, dark hair fall over her face, shielding it from anyone’s view.

  I want to grab her and take her in my arms and make her stay. I want to pull all that has her unable to accept love and normalcy out of that pretty little head of hers.

  “I wish you’d stay. We don’t have to talk about a damn thing, Rachelle.”

  She stops and for a moment I think she might come back inside and stop this running thing she does so well. Then she shakes her head and keeps walking. “I’ll be back later.”

  Well, maybe I won’t be here!

  Rachelle

  The sun is setting as I walk down the beach. My melancholy mood hasn’t changed. I wish Blake could really take things slow, but I guess it really isn’t in him to do it.

  It really isn’t in me to hurry things along either. I suppose we’re meant to be together since we both come from such opposite places. Opposites attract so the saying goes.

  I kick the sand with my bare feet and wish I could fix myself. Any other woman would’ve jumped up and down when they got a look at that big, beautiful ring Blake wanted to give me.

  Not me though. Deep inside of me there was only one thought. I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve the ring, the money, nor the man. They’re all wonderful gifts that I am sure to ruin.

  The shield I’ve built around my heart to keep it protected is being taken down a pebble at a time by Blake. When he goes all out and rushes forward, they go right back into place.

  I thought the pebbles were gone, but they must’ve been lying around, waiting for a big gush of sentiment to come at me. Blake has flooded me with gifts this last week and I took them all like a champ.

  It surprised me that I allowed him to give me so much. I jumped right on the band wagon with him. We can learn to be rich together, I thought. I do want to make a profitable restaurant anyway. I may as well learn how to have money.

  That’s how I convinced myself that it was okay to take what he was giving me. But the ring and his financial security was just a little too much for me. It would be damn nice to understand why that is.

  I live in Los Angeles. I see gold diggers every day and know there’s a difference in them and rich people with genuine love and respect for one another. Blake and I could be that.

  I respect the hell out of that man. Can’t really say I’ve ever thought so highly of anyone before him. He’s sweet, caring, generous, and faithful. Like a dog that you forget to feed and sometimes forget to bring in out of the cold, but he still loves you anyway. The moment you let him in he’s all happy and frolicking.

  That’s Blake to a tee. I’ve left with no regard what so ever for his feelings and he’s taken me back every time and never made me pay for what I did to him.

  This last week has been amazing. Not only has he treated me like a queen, but his personal attention to me has been out of this world. I even let him tie me to the bed one night and he made me so happy I did.

  He spends time thinking about what will please me in so many ways. I know most men are all about what you can do for them in the bedroom, but Blake isn’t that way at all.

  And here I am walking alone down the beach as the sun melts into the ocean, creating a stunning picture. My sweet man sits at my tiny apartment waiting for my return.

  Not a very fair thing for someone who is as giving and loving as he is. He buys me a fantastic engagement ring and asks me to marry him and I go crazy and leave him alone.

  Bet he never thought in a million years this would have been the outcome of all his planning.

  It occurs to me that we were going to go to Vegas, and he’d asked Kip and Peyton to come along. I wonder if he was planning on us getting married tonight.

  He most likely was, and I just went and fucked the whole thing up. Just because I don’t think I deserve good things.

  I should go back and accept his proposal and bite my tongue to keep my idiot mouth shut. Once we’re married it will be too late to second guess anything.

  It’s not the smartest thing I’ve ever contemplated doing before, but i
t’s not the most idiotic thing either.

  A man jogs by me with a dog on a leash. The dog’s tail is wagging like crazy and it reminds me of Blake’s idea about us getting a puppy.

  Blake is this happy-go-lucky guy and I’m Debbie Downer. He’s all, ‘let’s get married!’ I’m all, ‘But one day we might break up.’

  Man, I’m a real fucking moron!

  I pick up my pace as I head back to my car. I’m going to do it. If he’ll still have me, I’m going to tell him the answer is yes and that we should get our asses to Vegas and do this thing before my insanity catches up to me again.

  It has to be a little bit of insanity after all. What woman in her right mind would look at that ring he had and his gorgeous face and rocking body and say, not now, sweetheart?

  It’s been three hours that I’ve walked and I hope he’s not really pissed at me for being gone so long. Perhaps I should find him a puppy so he can’t be mad at me. He seems the type if you gave him a puppy he’d get over any anger he had in him and turn into a mush ball over the thing.

  But then again, that might be something he wants us to pick out together as a couple, as a married couple. I open the car door and climb inside of the beautiful car he bought me and think that I have to learn how to hold my tongue and gauge my reactions to good news.

  It seems I have the opposite reactions that most people have. That’s something I have to change. I’m making a vow to myself right here and now.

  No more Debbie Downer!

  I’m going to follow Blake’s lead and be a happy-go-lucky gal.

  Well, maybe not a gal. A happy-go-lucky young woman.

  There, that’s better!

  Blake

  For the first hour I waited patiently. Rachelle has issues and I am no stranger to them. But when the second hour came I got a little hot under the collar and the third one came and I told myself to get the fuck out of there.

  With a note that told her I wanted to get married or get on with my life, I feel like she knows where I stand. It’s been far too long and I’m ready to start this marriage. Three to five years is too far away for me. I’m no fool and know she’ll never agree with me.

  I left and I am not going to allow myself to look back. I’m done!

  It’s obvious to me that I have to cut Kip and Max out of my life as well, if I am to get Rachelle out and keep her out. I can’t take her constant rejection. No one should subject themselves to what she dishes out.

  I know I’ll hurt for a while, but it will heal just like any other life changing and devastating wound. People lose real parts of their bodies and live. The part that has been pulverized in me isn’t even a real piece of flesh and blood, just feelings.

  I’ll live. Don’t know if I’ll ever love again, but I’ll live.

  The ring I took back to the jewelry store and had to hug the young woman who sold it to me as she seemed more upset than I am. Luckily, Kip and Peyton were out so I was able to get into my helicopter and take off without having to get into things with them.

  I know they’d talk me into staying around and talking to Rachelle. That would only delay the inevitable. She doesn’t want a piece of paper keeping us together and her taken care of.

  Well, I can’t be in a relationship and be selfish. I’m a giver, a person who makes sure the people they love are well cared for and know they’re loved.

  I guess I’m a real bastard!

  My cell phone lights up and plays the wedding march, the song I had just set for Rachelle’s ring tone. I pick it up and hit the reject button. Let her see how it feels.

  I can’t get home fast enough. Once there I will start my life over.

  A life without her!

  And with that in mind I toss my cell phone out of the helicopter. Anyone who has that number is behind me. Forward is the only way to go now.

  Rachelle

  I cannot believe he sent my call straight to voicemail. I sent him a text with the word, yes, written in capital letters and he still hasn’t responded. I pick up my phone and make sure he knows what that means.

  -That is a yes to the question. I want to marry you, Blake, please call or come back. I love you!!!!-

  Time is passing like molasses and I am in agony not knowing where he is or if he’s okay. It’s nearing ten o’clock as I call Peyton to see if they’ve heard from him.

  “Where are you guys?” Peyton asks as she answers the call.

  “That’s an odd way to answer the phone, Peyt. I’m at my apartment.”

  “Then why is the car Blake borrowed here and his chopper gone? I thought you two were heading to Vegas this evening. Why are you still here?”

  “His chopper is gone? Shit!”

  Peyton sighs. “What did you do now?”

  “He came home with a gorgeous engagement ring and asked me to marry him and I freaked out and ended up leaving for a few hours. But I came to my senses and came back to accept his proposal, only he was gone.” I pace as I think what it is I need to do.

  I can’t let the greatest thing to ever happen to me get away!

  “Wow! That’s big. You know he may be done, sweetie. I mean, that’s a pretty big thing you did there. He’s such a sweetheart too, Shelly. I can’t imagine how hurt he must have been.”

  “Damn it! I know! I’m an ass! Peyton, if I lose him I may as well die! God, help me!” I fall on the sofa as my eyes fill with tears. “I don’t know what to do. I called and sent him a text accepting his proposal and nothing. It’s more than him not wanting to talk to me. I’m afraid something might have happened. Now that you’ve told me he’s in his chopper I’m really afraid. Can you call him? Maybe he’ll answer if Kip calls.”

  I hear her shouting at Kip and he gets close enough I can hear him over the phone. His thick Australian accent fills my ear. “What, love?”

  Peyton gives him the run down as I listen and to hear her say it makes it really sink in what I’ve done to him. Ass isn’t even close to the word I feel like. A total piece of shit who doesn’t deserve to even breathe the same air someone as wonderful as Blake breaths is what I am.

  Kip huffs and says, “Ouch, that’s painful. I’ll give ‘em a ring.”

  “Okay, he’s making the call, Shelly.”

  I wait and listen and after a minute Kip tells her he didn’t answer. “I’m calling Max then,” I say. “Bye. If you hear from him let me know, Peyton.”

  “I will, bye.”

  I call Max and Lexi answers the phone.

  Fantastic, I get to tell my terrible story again and re-live that shit!

  After many gasps and sighs, Lexi says, “Well, hibbetty, bibetty, Shell. That’s a bunch of terrible things, isn’t it? I tell you what that’s a heap more than Max ever put me through. Oh my, poor Blake. He must be near suicidal.”

  “Lex,” I groan. “I’m really getting worried about him. Do you think Max can try to call him? He wouldn’t answer Kip’s call.”

  She yells for Max and he listens to the tale as only Lexi can add all kinds of silly words to it and make me nearly laugh if I wasn’t so damn worried. Then he mumbles something and the next thing I know Lexi is telling me he wants to talk to me.

  “Rachelle, what the hell are you thinking?” he shouts at me.

  I cringe as I’ve never been yelled at by Max and he’s super intimidating suddenly. “Max, I’m just…”

  “No, I don’t want to hear it. No more excuses. A great man asks you to marry him and you act like he did something awful to you. This is enough out of you. I’m not going to get him to talk to you just so you can tear another chunk out of his kind and generous heart. Do you understand me?”

  “Max, I didn’t mean…”

  His voice is booming as he says, “You didn’t mean to hurt him. Yeah, I know your same old song and dance. Well this time you’re going to have to figure things out on your own. You really don’t want me to call him because my advice to him is going to be to forget about you. You are no good for him.”

  “Max, tha
t’s not true. I am good for him. I just got confused and afraid that I don’t deserve him, but the truth is I can be good for him. We are great together and it’s just my insecurities that get in the way. I can control them if I try hard enough, I know I can.” I plop down of the sofa and look at the ceiling.

  “If he’s smart, he won’t accept another apology from you. Do yourself a favor, Rachelle. Get off the couch and go into your little kitchen and take out a wine glass.”

  “I really don’t think a drink right now is what I want,” I say but get up and do what Max is telling me to for some damn reason.

  “I don’t want you to talk, just do what I say,” he commands me.

  I take a wine glass out of the cabinet. “I have one, now what?”

  “Drop it on the floor.”

  “Max, that’s...”

  “Drop the fucking glass, Rachelle!” he shouts.

  I drop the glass and it breaks into pieces. “Okay, I did it. Now what?”

  “Do you see how it’s shattered in a way that you can’t put it back together?” he asks.

  I look at the pieces. Some are big and could be glued, but other parts are smashed into sharp shards while others are pulverized and couldn’t ever be fixed. “Yes, I see it’s destroyed. And now I guess you want me to clean up the mess, right?”

  “No, I want you to tell it you’re sorry,” he says with a much calmer tone to his deep voice.

  “I’m sorry?” I ask with a huff.

  “Just say it.”

  “I’m sorry, wine glass, for breaking you.”

  He sighs. “So what happened?”

  “What do you mean? It’s got to be cleaned up now.” I shake my head at his ridiculous idea and what the hell it was meant to teach me.

  “It’s still broken isn’t it Shell? Saying you’re sorry didn’t fix it, did it?”

  His lesson zooms into my brain and I get a knot in my throat. Telling Blake, I’m sorry isn’t going to fix what I’ve done. Too many times I’ve dropped him and this last time was just one too many.