“Sure you can. It’s never too late.” She reached up and caressed the side of his face.
“Maybe so, but it’s not practical. I’m a dad now, too. I don’t want to go back to school to become a vet at forty. Trust me, I’m not losing sleep over this. I’m losing sleep over other things, but not this. If I can keep adding to the rescue horses, then I’ll be happy.”
Her eyes sparkled, and a corner of her gorgeous mouth curved up. “This topic isn’t dead. But I am curious—what are you losing sleep over?”
He reached out and pulled her close again. “You, Janie. I’m losing sleep over you, us, and I don’t know what the hell I’m going to do about it.”
Her head fell against his chest, and her hands tightened around his waist. “Me, too.”
“I wish like hell things weren’t like this. That this wasn’t so hard on Will.”
“You can’t go back and change the past. No matter how hard you beat yourself up, you can’t erase what happened. All you have is now and the future. I think in order to really be there for Will, you have to forgive yourself. Let yourself be happy. That will spill over into every interaction you have with him. You will teach him indirectly that we can make mistakes, but we can also change. We can overcome them.”
His chest tightened at her words and her ability to see the good in him. “You give me too much credit, Janie. I will take that parenting advice, though.”
She glanced toward the closet. “Why were you up here tonight? Was this where you grew up?”
He nodded stiffly. “Yeah. I came here to look for some old school pictures Will was asking me about.”
“Are you okay?” she whispered, resting a hand against the side of his face. He knew she was referring to the state she’d found him in.
“I am now.”
“Do you want to tell me more about your dad?” She stroked her thumb against his cheek.
He ripped his gaze from hers and stared at the ceiling. Forcing himself to speak felt right, even though it was awkward for him. But there was no one in the world he’d trust with this more than Janie. He didn’t know how to finally admit everything when he’d spent a lifetime hiding.
“Growing up with him was…a bit rough. He was physically abusive. Emotionally abusive. Angry. Vengeful. He thought I was worthless. He thought I ruined his life, and he blamed me for my mom’s death. I believed him. I believed who he thought I was over who I thought I was. Over who the world thought I was. Even though I had proof—I had the scholarships, I had the awards, the top grades—none of that mattered, because what I really wanted deep down was validation from my father.”
“When I finally recognized that, I hated myself for it. For needing his approval when I couldn’t stand him. I’m glad he’s gone, Janie. I don’t know what that says about me, but I’m glad he’s dead. I’m glad I don’t have to see him anymore or hear his voice.”
His chest felt tight as those words poured out of him. His eyes were still fixed on the ceiling wanting to hear from Janie made it impossible to take a deep breath.
“It says that you’re human,” she told him. “You can’t just let go of that kind of pain and trauma, Aiden, no matter how good of a person you are.”
He finally let out the breath he’d been holding. She got him. She understood. “Maybe. It’s not something I’m proud of. But he made it so damn hard. Even at the end, I knew he loathed me. Just the way his eyes trailed me around the apartment. I swear if we didn’t live in Wishing River, I would have walked away from this place. I would have cut him off without regret. Maybe I should have. Blood doesn’t make a father.”
“You’re right. But you got through it. You’re here. You survived. You’re so much stronger than you give yourself credit for.”
“I gave up on my dreams because I believed his garbage. I was too scared to go for it. I could have left. I could have become a vet. But I didn’t. I ran his bar like he wanted me to because I believed all his lies.”
“You’re running a profitable bar,” she countered. “You started your own ranch, taking in rescue horses. You have friends everywhere. Was it like this when you took it over?”
He clenched his jaw and shook his head. “No. It was really run-down. It didn’t have the younger crowd. So I turned it around. Anyone could have done that. I made a lot of bad life decisions—and for the record, I’m not grouping Will into that.”
“Well, maybe Will is your sign.”
He tensed. “What do you mean?”
“Maybe he’s your sign that someone was looking out for you from above.”
He pulled her closer. “Janie—”
“Maybe he’s your second chance. Maybe he’s your key to getting closure on your past, on breaking the cycle of violence. Maybe all of this is playing out exactly as it was meant to.”
He squeezed his eyes shut and ran his hand down his face. “You have this unique way of taking hard things and making them into…into things I want to believe in. I do know one thing: I would die before I hurt that kid. I will do anything to earn his love and respect, and I’m so grateful to have a second chance with him.”
She smiled. “Good. So…back to us.”
He held her gaze. “How the hell are we going to do this? Without anyone getting hurt? Without confusing Will? He trusts me to a certain extent, but he made it pretty clear that you’re off-limits.”
“Well…we still have five days left to figure this out,” she said.
He leaned down and kissed her, wishing there was a way, wishing he could give everything up and just go back home with them.
But Wishing River had been his whole life. It was what he knew. The bar, the ranch. No matter how much he loved Will and Janie, this was home. He could provide well for them with what he earned here. That meant more than anything else.
There was no other path for him.
Chapter Seventeen
A few nights later, Aiden was sitting across from Will in the family room, deep in thought about Janie, replaying their conversation from the night at the bar, when the sound of Morris crunching loudly from the kitchen interrupted his thoughts. “Hey, Will, you remembered to feed the horses, right?”
Aiden waited for Will’s answer, but he already knew what it was as his son’s face turned white. This morning, Will had asked if he could go and feed the horses. Aiden had readily agreed, knowing he had watched and helped him do it many times. Aiden also thought it was good for him to have some independence. But it was a big responsibility, and Aiden hadn’t had a chance to get out there to double-check everything had been done correctly.
“Oh, crap. I forgot.” Will’s tone rose higher with each word. “I got a text and then got sidetracked. I’m so sorry…Aiden. I can go now.” He jumped up from the couch.
Will was a kid in so many ways. Just like he’d been. This unexpected, unwelcome jolt of anger rushed through him, and he wanted to snap at him for being irresponsible. But that was quickly followed by self-loathing and panic, because that’s what his father would have done.
He needed air. He needed air, and he needed to erase the other memories that were swarming him and confusing his past with his present.
“Don’t worry about it. I’ll go,” Aiden managed to mumble, embarrassed. He went through the motions of putting his jacket and boots on, rushing through everything, knowing he needed to be by himself and he needed to breathe.
Aiden shoved the back door open and took massive gulps of air as the memory of telling his dad he’d forgotten to take out the trash at the bar stole his breath. He’d been so absorbed in finishing his homework in his dad’s office that he’d forgotten. His dad had knocked him down so fast, so hard, that Aiden hadn’t even seen it coming. And for a moment, lying on that floor, his lungs wouldn’t work. But his ears unfortunately did.
You’re stupid, Aiden, and no amount of studying will make you smart. Conce
ntrate on your responsibilities around here.
Aiden trudged through the snow, toward the barn, not feeling any anger toward Will. But he was shaken with himself. He knew in his gut he’d never lash out at anyone physically, let alone his own kid. He understood as an adult just how screwed up his dad had been.
But being an adult meant you didn’t get to blame your problems on your parents anymore. He could acknowledge why he was feeling a certain way, but he had to determine how he would act. He didn’t want to be quick to anger, and he never wanted Will to fear him. Janie had done an incredible job raising him, and he only wanted to enhance what she’d already done.
He knew who he was deep down, and he could control his anger. And Janie knew who he was. He’d let her in. She had seen a part of him no one had. She knew more about him than the people he’d grown up with. After their time together at his old apartment, something had shifted. A weight had been lifted for him, and for the first time in his life, he understood what it was to feel connected to someone—someone who saw the best in you.
Once inside the barn, he busied himself with checking the feeders and water buckets and then got to cleaning out the stalls. He had always valued his time out here because it was a way for him to clear his thoughts. It was also a manifestation of one of his dreams coming true. Now, with Will in his life, he could keep building this ranch. And if somehow Janie stayed in his life, he knew she would love this, too.
An hour later, he made it back into the house and found Will waiting in the kitchen for him. “I’m glad you’re back,” Will said, his hands stuffed into his pockets and his shoulders slouched forward.
“Everything okay? Did you need something?” Aiden started washing his hands. “You can always come out and find me.”
Will shrugged, looking down at the ground. “I was afraid you were pissed off at me. I really screwed up.”
Aiden’s chest tightened. He dried his hands and walked over to Will. “Hey, it’s okay. Everyone makes mistakes. I get it. I’m not mad at all. I remember what it’s like to be your age, with so many things distracting you, and you’re not used to having animals to think about. Pretty soon, this will become second nature to you. You’ll do it without even thinking about it.”
Will’s face lit up, and he straightened. “Thanks, Aiden. I… You just looked so upset.”
Aiden ran a hand over his chin. “I’ve been told I can look kind of mean on occasion. Maybe it’s the scar,” he said with a rueful laugh. He hated that Will thought that. “But never be afraid of me, okay? I’ll never hurt you.”
“Oh, I know that. Okay. I’m, uh, going to go finish up my homework. Aunt Janie just got home; she’s showering.”
Aiden nodded, relieved that Will seemed okay. But most important was that Will blew off the part about Aiden never hurting him, like it never would have even occurred to him. That was the biggest compliment he could get. “I’ll call you when dinner’s ready,” he said, pulling out a bottle of Janie’s favorite wine.
Will was standing in the doorway, watching him with an odd expression.
“Everything okay?”
“Yeah,” he said, then disappeared.
…
A few hours later, after dinner and after Will had retreated to his room, Aiden sat beside Janie and refilled her wineglass, wondering how the hell he was going to watch her walk out of his life. But the fact that he couldn’t turn away from her, that the light in her eyes drew him in, made him realize how much he loved her. His world these past few weeks had become complicated as hell…and he welcomed it because she and Will were in his life. He loved sitting with her in his kitchen in the morning. He loved sharing the first coffee of the day with her. He loved hearing her laugh, seeing her smile. He loved the way she cherished his son.
He loved the way she loved. Unabashedly. It filled the house with her light. She taught him how to love and be loved. It was something he had never been around. And sap that he was turning into, he wanted more of that.
The only problem they both had was keeping their hands off each other with Will around. They had to be careful to never be caught in a compromising position, so that basically meant hands off all the time. They had both been working different hours, and whenever they were home together, so was Will. He knew this wasn’t going to last forever, and sometime soon they were going to have to figure out how to tell Will.
Janie pulled out her phone and handed it to him, her eyes dancing.
He looked at her quizzically. “You want me to call someone?”
She shook her head and smiled at him over the rim of her glass. “You mentioned how hard it was for you to know you missed so many years with Will. This won’t do much, but it’s a start. Swipe right. Pics from day one.”
A tremor ran through him as he tore his gaze from hers to the one on the screen. His heart raced, and he glanced over his shoulder, making sure Will was still in his room before looking at the pictures.
His eyes blurred at the sight of Maxi holding a baby. His baby. Anger and awe ripped through him until only self-pity was left behind. He flipped through the pictures, desperate for more. Maxi was only in the first few pictures, and they quickly turned to just Will and Janie.
As he went through them, he fell in love with the woman beside him on the couch even more. Hell, she’d been a kid herself—she looked so young. But there she was, holding Will in front of a first-year birthday cupcake, then a second. She was laughing. Holding him. And he… His little boy looked up at his mother, Janie, like she was his entire world. He looked like a kid who’d been showered with love.
Aiden cleared his throat and blinked rapidly, reaching for his whiskey and finishing it off, needing something to numb the pain. “Thank you,” he managed.
She reached out to hug him, and he held on to her tightly. He was going to want to go back and see those pictures again. There was no greater evidence of how much time had gone by than seeing a child age through pictures. So many years. And the pictures weren’t enough. He wanted all the stories. Maybe if things kept going so well with Will, he would ask him.
“You’re welcome,” Janie said. “I also have a video for you to watch. I have all the school pictures. The crafts. The cards. I’ll give them to you, and if you want, we can go through them together.”
He scrubbed his hands down his face. “It’s hard to look at those photos, you know? I mean, I want to inhale all of it. I want to know everything I missed, even though that’s impossible. But at the same time…God, Janie, it’s hard to look at all that. I missed everything. First steps. Words. First day of school. Everything. I’ll never get that back, and I’ll never be able to make it up to him.”
Janie leaned over and framed his face, looking straight into his eyes. “It wasn’t your fault. But he’s here now. You just keep going forward. You’re doing great.” She leaned into him and kissed him softly, deeply.
His hand went to the nape of her neck, needing everything she was offering, momentarily giving in to the desire that only grew with each day. He didn’t think he’d ever get enough of her.
“What the hell?”
Will?
“What are you doing? First my Mom, now Janie. Are you guys drunk?”
The room went silent as Aiden looked up at his kid, not the same smiling kid in the pictures. He and Janie jumped apart like they’d just been burned. This kid looked more like a young man, his face going red, the veins in his temple pronounced.
Shit. How had neither of them heard him approach?
You ruin everything, Aiden.
“Will, what are you talking about?” Janie said, standing up.
Aiden was trying to grapple with everything Will had said. But this was what they’d been afraid of. And Will clearly didn’t trust him enough to give him the benefit of the doubt. He couldn’t blame him, though, walking in on them in that position.
Will’s
hands were in fists by his side. “Don’t trust him, Janie.”
Aiden stood up. “Will, it’s just a drink. We’re both adults. No one is taking advantage of anyone.”
Will’s gaze darted back and forth between him and Janie. “You were kissing her.”
“Will, honey, it’s okay,” Janie said, her tone suddenly very motherly. “We both know what we’re doing. And I love your mom, but I’m a very different person than she is. I can handle a glass of wine. So can Aiden. No one is drinking more than they should.” She reached out to touch his arm.
Will stepped back. “This is how it starts, and then what? You guys are going to hook up and…and… I can’t believe you’d do this to me. Look at what happened with Mom. And then what? You break up and Aiden takes off? Or you take off?”
“Your aunt hasn’t done anything wrong, and I would never do anything to hurt her,” Aiden said roughly. Will thought he was responsible for his mother’s addiction. The worst part was he could see how all the pieces fit from Will’s perspective. Aiden owned a bar. Maxi was always away, too “sick” to take care of her own son. They were together just long enough to make a baby, and then it all went to shit. Of course Will would think Aiden was the reason. It hurt like hell, but he would have to deal with that. He didn’t want to be the cause of any kind of rift between Will and Janie.
But Janie still came to his defense. “Will, Aiden isn’t responsible for what happened to your mom. She made her own choices.”
Will shook his head. He was too emotional, and Aiden understood that, but they weren’t going to get through to him until he calmed down. “I thought you were better than this, Janie,” Will said. “I never thought you’d shack up—”
Aiden held up his hand. “Hey, don’t speak to your aunt that way—”
Will snapped his face toward him. “You can’t tell me how to speak. You can’t just think you can give me a place to crash and buy me shit and you’re going to win the dad of the year award.” With those words hanging in the air, he stormed out the front door.
Wishing for a Cowboy Page 19