He and Janie stood motionless. Shame and worry pummelled through him. He wanted to go out after him and make it right. To tell him how he really felt about him. But would he listen?
“I’m so sorry,” Janie said. “He’s never acted like that before, not that harsh.”
“No, don’t apologize, it’s my fault. I should have been more careful. That situation is exactly what we’ve been trying to avoid,” he said through a tight throat.
Janie touched his arm, and despite feeling like hell, awareness rippled through him at the innocent touch, as it always did with her. But Will’s words thundered through him, a cold blanket, a warning, a reminder of why he and Janie couldn’t be together.
“You can’t take all the blame,” Janie said, stepping around to face him. “We both had equal responsibility in that. And I don’t know…maybe we shouldn’t have hidden this from him and been open about it from the start.”
He didn’t know what to say to that. He didn’t know what the right answer was here.
“I’ll go out and talk to him,” she said.
He reached out to grab her hand, and she paused. This was all wrong. The way all of this was playing out. “I’d like to go.”
She withdrew her hand. “Of course. You should. You’re his dad.”
He didn’t have time to think about what it was that bothered him about her statement or the look in her eyes; he needed to deal with Will. Wind rattled the windows, reminding him again that he should hurry up. “I’ll be right back. Hopefully he’ll be with me.”
Aiden opened the door and was greeted by a blast of icy wind and his son turning his back to him. “Freezing out here. Want to come back inside?”
“Nope. Not cold at all,” he said, crossing his arms defiantly.
He walked over to stand in front of him, and, much to his relief, Will didn’t turn back around, but he was staring at the ground. “I know I can’t be the kind of dad that you deserved, Will. It’s impossible because I’m starting way too late. I should have been there for so many things. I know you don’t know me that well yet, and… I guess you have some ideas about your mom, and all I can do is tell you the truth, even if it’s not pretty. She drank too much, but that was the extent of it when she was with me. Or what I knew of, anyway. I’ve made my own share of mistakes, too, and the big one was thinking I was in love with your mom.”
The look he gave him made him wish he could lie, just to spare him. But a part of him knew that lying would only make things worse. Maybe Will didn’t need every detail, but he needed as much of the truth as Aiden could give.
“You mean…you didn’t love her?”
He rubbed the back of his neck, trying to figure out how to handle a conversation like this. He didn’t know what Will knew about adult relationships, and discussing an adult relationship about his mother was an entirely different beast. He wasn’t prepared for this kind of stuff. He’d been a dad for only a hot minute. “I thought I did,” he started. “We had fun together, but I never pressured her to do anything she didn’t want to.”
Will shoved his hands in his pockets. “What happened?”
Aiden fought for the right words, careful words that wouldn’t hurt him or destroy Maxi’s character even more. He didn’t want to protect her, but he wanted to protect Will, and that meant not talking down about his mother. “It turned out we weren’t…well-suited for each other.”
“You weren’t well-suited… Was this, like, in the nineteenth century?” Will said drily.
Aiden cracked a grin. “No. I just don’t know what to tell you, honestly. Our relationship wasn’t going to last, and we went our separate ways. That’s it. I was also really young. I was eighteen, way too young to be living the way I was. Your mom was twenty-one. She left me before she knew she was pregnant, and that was the last I heard from her. I did some growing up since then and went back to living my normal life.”
“Until I came along,” he said, his shoulders slumping again.
“The best thing to walk through my door,” he said hoarsely.
Will turned to him sharply. “For real?”
Aiden nodded and fought the urge to reach out and hug him. He didn’t know if it would be welcome. “For real.”
Will’s face was twisted with anguish, and the need Aiden felt inside to take away this kid’s pain told him so much about his own feelings toward Will—he really loved him.
Not in the way that came from years of knowing someone, but the kind of love that was instinctual, primal. He had a need to protect him, to provide for him, to make him happy, to encourage him, but he didn’t know how he could ever do that, having missed so many years with him. He was filled with so much regret, and if Will didn’t need him so badly in that moment, he’d get his nervous energy out by going for a ride…and then sitting down with a bottle of whiskey and drinking until he couldn’t remember how badly he’d screwed up this innocent boy’s life.
“Look, I’m sorry I snapped at you back there,” he began, his voice sounding choppy to his ears.
Will shrugged. “I don’t care. Didn’t bother me.”
Aiden took a step toward him. “I get that you probably feel like everything’s messed up right now. Who am I to interfere with the relationship you have with Janie? Who am I to jump in, right? I wasn’t there for you. For fifteen years, we didn’t know each other existed.”
Will shrugged again, his chin jutting out farther. “Doesn’t matter. I have a mom; she knew I existed and decided she didn’t want me. So, whatever, I don’t care.”
Aiden’s stomach twisted painfully, and he balled his hands into fists. “I’m sure it’s not that your mom didn’t want you, more that she had some big problems in her own life to take care of and Janie was willing to step in and help. But that’s not what it was for me, Will. I’d have been there from day one if I’d known. And I don’t know what kind of a dad I would have been, but I can tell you, with one hundred percent certainty, that I would have tried my hardest to be the best dad I could be for you. I would have made mistakes—everyone does—but I would have loved you. Instantly and imperfectly, yes, but I would have loved you.”
“Thanks,” Will whispered.
“It’s the truth. I won’t give up on you or leave you. Ever. And I would never intentionally hurt Janie. What you saw…” He let out a shuddering sigh, the cold biting at his exposed skin. He needed to wrap this up and get them both back inside. But he also couldn’t rush something this important.
“I’ll be completely honest with you,” Aiden said. “I have a connection with Janie. I…I think she’s an incredible woman, but we are taking things really slow. Despite what you saw or what you think is going on between us. We are also very aware that you are involved in our lives, and neither of us wants to hurt you. Janie loves you very much,” he said thickly. “And I love you, too.”
Will swallowed hard. “Aunt Janie is the only person in the world who I can trust. I would have been in an orphanage or something if she hadn’t— You know? I keep worrying that if something happens to her— I don’t know. I just can’t handle another adult falling apart on me.”
Aiden reached out to grip his shoulder and look at him dead-on. “Janie is the strongest person I know. She would never, ever, let you down. Do you believe that?”
Will nodded, looking down. “I feel really bad about how I talked to her.”
“We can all say things in the heat of the moment that we later regret. But I’m sure Janie would understand if you tell her how you feel. And she knows that you love her. Don’t ever doubt that. Even when things like this happen.”
Will looked up at him, and for a second, despite how tall he was, Aiden could see the little boy in him, in that vulnerability. “I screwed up a lot today. The horses. Then jumping to conclusions and getting mad at you and Janie.”
Aiden gripped his shoulder. “We all have days like tha
t. I wouldn’t be too hard on yourself, either. You’ve been handling a hell of a lot of stuff, and you’ve handled it way better than I ever could have when I was your age. Will, a month ago we didn’t even know each other. You left the city with your aunt, came all the way across the country, and you didn’t even know if I was going to be a jerk to you when you got here.”
“Then you guys moved in with me. You’re keeping up with school work from home. You should be really proud of yourself. I know it may not mean much now, but I’m proud of you, too. Very proud to be your dad,” he said, his voice catching at the end.
He didn’t know if he should have added that last part, if it was even relevant, but when Will broke out into a wide grin, Aiden knew it had been the right thing to do, even if it felt awkward.
“Can I ask you something personal?”
Aiden tensed. “You can ask me anything.”
“What were your parents like?”
He held his gaze and realized that Will would have many more questions like this. Aiden’s parents were Will’s grandparents, and he’d never meet them. The kid had virtually no family because his grandparents on Janie’s side were also gone.
“Sorry I didn’t bring it up sooner,” he said. “My mom died a long time ago…right after I was born. I have a picture of her, though. I can show you when we go inside. She was really sweet, I’ve been told. And my dad… It was his side of the family that opened River’s Saloon, generations ago. He was… He really struggled after she died. I don’t think he ever got over it. I always thought that whatever joy he had was buried along with my mom. He tried his best, though. I had what I needed. I helped him at the bar, you know, that kind of thing. He had some health trouble, so I took over running the place.”
Will kicked his foot in a pile of snow. “Sorry. So…were you guys, like, close?”
Aiden blew out a gust of frosty air. It felt weird to be talking about this. He and his dad had never had a conversation this intimate. But he wanted Will to know what it was like to have a parent who he could go to for anything. “We weren’t close, no. He wasn’t one for change or for talking about goals or…anything really personal. When I was a kid, Logan and I wanted to become vets, and I remember telling my dad that, and he kind of just blew it off. Told me I wasn’t smart enough and that I should just be grateful to inherit River’s one day.”
Will’s mouth dropped open. “What did you do?”
“I believed him. But I also set out to prove him wrong. I wanted the best grades in the class and in the school.”
“Did you get them?”
“Yeah.”
“Then what did he say?”
Aiden paused for a moment. He didn’t need to tell Will all the details. He would someday. Not today. “He said that grades meant nothing and I’d probably cheated off Logan.”
“Wow. That sucks.”
Aiden let out a short laugh. “It did.”
“Weren’t you mad? Your best friend got to be a vet and you didn’t?”
“Yeah. I was pissed off for a long time, and I let that anger justify doing a lot of stupid things when I was in my late teens and early twenties. But I’m happy now. I made that bar the most popular place in town, and I’m starting this ranch for rescued horses. Then you and Janie walked through my door and made me the happiest I have ever been in my entire life.”
Will’s face turned red. “Really?”
“Definitely. I just want you to know, too, that I think you can do anything you want. Anything you put your mind to. You’ve got your whole life ahead of you, and I’ll be there to help you. Whatever you need, I will always have your back. You can always come to me, even when you screw up, and I will always pick you up.”
Will’s chin wobbled. “We’re going back to Chicago next week, though.”
Aiden felt those words pierce his heart. He knew this was coming. He was going to somehow have to say goodbye to them both. Maybe he’d been completely delusional in thinking that maybe, maybe they would want to stay here with him and build a life like a real family. “Right. But I’m only a phone call away. Anytime. And then you can spend the summer here.”
“Okay.” Will turned to the door.
“Wait, one more thing—”
There was something in his eyes that made Aiden call out to him, realizing that this might be the last time they had a deep conversation like this. He needed him to know this before he left.
“I did get some old pictures and stuff if you want to look at them one day. And…there was a quilt my mom made for me before she died. I can’t say that I’m the most religious man out there, but there’s a Bible verse stitched into it… ‘Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above.’ It gave me a lot of comfort when I was really hating myself, because it reminded me that she believed in me before she ever knew me. And I want you to know that’s how I feel about you. You are good and you are perfect, Will.”
Chapter Eighteen
Aiden stood in the doorway of the barn that had been on his property for over a decade, taking in the musty smells, the sound of a light rain smattering against the roof, the frightened horse that Janie was gently speaking to, and realized this really was his dream come true—with her in it. But it was all going to end. Last night made reality come crashing down for all of them.
His gaze roamed her delicate profile, the full curves of her body in her trademark flannel shirt and jeans, and he knew he wanted her more than he’d wanted anyone. Because he didn’t just want her physically; his whole self was in love with her. And he could confidently say that he actually knew what love was now, because he’d never felt this with anyone.
The sound of her gentle voice cooing to the horse made something inside him soften. He didn’t know how he was going to say goodbye, but he would, because it was the best thing to do. It was the right thing to do.
“Hey,” he said, joining her.
She turned to him and smiled; a balm on his battered soul. “Hi. I was just coming to find you. Did you sleep in?”
He shoved his hands in his pockets. He’d purposely missed morning coffee with her because he couldn’t sit at the kitchen table and fake that everything was okay. And he needed to do this without Will in earshot. He’d been up all night, with Will’s words, his face, haunting him.
Aunt Janie is the only person in the world who I can trust.
I keep worrying that if something happens to her…
I just can’t handle another adult falling apart on me.
He couldn’t make them stay here. He couldn’t force Will away from the only adult who’d ever taken care of him, no matter what Aiden wanted. And he couldn’t make Will love him or trust him.
He leaned down to kiss Janie, because he missed her, because he could never seem to get enough of her. When he pulled back, she was still holding on to his arms.
“I, uh, wanted to talk to you,” he said. “I know last night was rough, and after Will came inside you spoke with him and—”
They both turned around at the sound of a car pulling into the driveway. “Are you expecting someone?” she asked.
He let out a rough sigh. “No. But I’ll go see who it is and then come right back,” he said, marching out of the barn.
“I’ll be here,” she called out as he walked away.
Aiden half jogged over the muddy terrain, cursing the rocky transition into spring and the mess it brought with it. As he approached the house, his eyes narrowed on the form in the distance, tiny hairs springing up on the back of his neck. He knew who that was, in his gut, before the woman rounded the corner of her car and came into clear view…
Maxi Adams.
Shit.
“Aiden! Hi!” she called out, waving and smiling as though they were best friends.
He clenched his teeth so hard he was afraid he might get lockjaw. But he didn’t know how he’d be ab
le to speak without everything coming out as a shout or a growl. “What are you doing here, Max?” he asked evenly as he reached the driveway.
She scoffed, a hand flying to her chest. “Nice hello, considering you haven’t seen me in over a decade.”
Blood rushed to his ears. “Are you for real? I don’t even know what to say to you. There are no words for the level of angry I am. You kept my son from me. You made all the choices. I think the worst part is that you kept him from me, but you weren’t even raising him yourself. And you haven’t bothered to call Janie back once after everything you put her through.”
She lifted her chin. “I know that Janie isn’t the perfect guardian, but—”
“What? That’s not what I’m saying. Hell, Maxi, you still don’t get it. What are you doing here, anyway? Why didn’t you at least give us the heads-up to prepare Will?”
Suddenly her eyes filled with tears. “I didn’t think I’d be welcome.”
He didn’t buy the tears for a second. “What’s the plan? You’re going to just walk inside and yell ‘Surprise!’ to Will?”
She rolled her eyes and sniffled. “I would think as his mother I’d be able to do that. When did you get so judgmental? You were never like that when we were together.”
His stomach churned at the mention of them together. Janie… What the hell was going to happen now? “I was messed up when we were together. You were also a liar; I wasn’t. And I’m surprised you were able to make the journey here with all your health problems.”
She tilted her head. “I was also messed up and have used these years to really focus on getting better.” Her gaze narrowed on his cheek. “Wow. I can hardly even see your scar. Your facial hair really filled in well with age, too.”
He ran a hand over his jaw and tried counting to ten. “When was the last time you saw Will?”
“It’s been a few years.”
“How many is a few?” he started but then realized it didn’t matter. Even one year would have been too much. Or one month. “Never mind, just… How long are you planning on staying?”
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