The Playboy

by Alice Ward

  Her fingers were trembling under mine, and I held them tighter. This was too much. “Caitlyn, sweetheart, you don’t have to go through this.”

  Her eyes snapped up, remembered terror lingering behind the determination to finish her story.

  “I remember his cold eyes staring at me. I tried to talk to him with my mind because I didn’t dare open my mouth. He said I was a pretty girl. Then I heard a clicking sound. I froze. I had no concept of death. The only thing I really understood was that he was my dad. He was this hero. He had made this amazing tree fort in the backyard. He swung me really high on the swings. Why was he acting this way? He, um, then took the gun and put it to his ear…there was a horrible loud sound…and I don’t remember anything else.”

  I took her hand between both of mine. “I’m so sorry.”

  She nodded, a tiny movement of her head. “My gran told me he was sick, he had mental problems and my mom was pregnant. We were going to stay with her sister for a while until the baby was born. I found out later, it wasn’t his child.”

  “That was his trigger?”

  She nodded. “Yeah, I think so. Anyway, I moved in with Gran, and I’ve lived with her ever since. I know it’s a super sick, awful story, and we’re, you know on this…” She looked down at her food. “I’ve probably killed the mood, and you’ll most likely never want to see me again. But, you wanted to know why I was scared, that’s why. I have a shrink I’ve seen a few hundred times and a bookshelf full of books that explain it all. For me, I want love. The real kind. The kind that keeps nightmares away and does stupid, fun shit, like going camping in a Yurt or making rainbow slime. I want love that doesn’t ever judge, or, you know, beat you to death with a crowbar.”

  The dam holding back her emotions broke, and tears coursed down her cheeks.

  My heart died for her. I felt every ounce of her pain and it twisted inside of me. Right now, having sex with this incredible woman was the last thing on my mind. I gave her hand a squeeze. “You deserve all that and more.”

  She wiped her tears away and started in on her lobster, trying to avoid eye contact. “Sorry.”

  “No, I’m sorry,” I said. “I’m so sorry you had to live through that. This is reality and it’s what you wanted…needed tonight. I think we’re both in transitional places at the moment and both of us are facing monumental losses. This is life, and life gets so real and so ugly at times. I’m glad you felt comfortable sharing with me.”

  She pushed back her hair. “I don’t really know why I did.”

  “Thank you for trusting me with your story. You’re safe with me, Caitlyn. Entirely and utterly safe. I told you I’d be your friend, so I won’t threaten you or ask you to compromise your integrity. You may not care that I’m one of the most famous men in the film industry…” she rolled her eyes, which made me laugh, “but I deeply respect you. So, you have my word, it’s gold.”

  The admission made me feel vulnerable, so I sawed at my steak with the knife.

  “Thank you.” It was all she gave me, but it was real.

  “You’re welcome. You know, Wenton has given me my next task.”

  She smiled. “Oh, what now? Clowns at the circus?” This was good. She was revving back up to her sarcastic, fun self again.

  “I wish. He wants me to fall in love.” Okay, if we were going to play the morbid card, it was my turn.

  “Well, that doesn’t seem hard. Women must throw themselves at you. You probably just have to pick one,” she said too easily, as if she was telling herself this information, not me.

  “I’ll definitely raise you your one English teacher in China to about a thousand faceless women. I’ve fucked and I’ve done it gloriously. I have had every shape, size, color, and creed of woman. I’ve seen almost every face of ecstasy a woman can make. There might even be a record for the number of women I’ve had, casually with no strings attached. I’m your worst nightmare. In all fairness to me, I was more of a ho-bag when I was in college than recently, but I was getting plenty of play, trust me.” I rolled my eyes and gave her a fake sulking look. “Except now that is. It’s all different.”

  There was a flicker of disgust in her eyes, but curiosity too. “Why is it different now?”

  I didn’t blame her. She tells me she’s had one man in her whole life and can’t trust men because her dad committed a heinous crime against her mother, and I come back with “you’ll never believe how many women I’ve screwed.” Well, I didn’t just eat them all alive, some were pretty adamant that they would have had me at any cost. Regardless, we were beauty and the beast, that’s for sure.

  “This is a little hard to share, but it can’t be harder than your story. I really like you. I know you’re fully aware of that fact.” She shifted in her chair. “Well, I’m conducting something of an experiment at the moment. Ironically, it’s on theme with Wenton’s task. I’ve decided to hang up the ol’ flogger. Just kidding, I’m not into that. But I’ve decided to um…invest more of myself in a relationship.”

  “Why?”

  Because of you.

  “Because I’ve sometimes known a woman’s name when I was with her, and sometimes I’ve had no clue. And… they’re all a blur mostly. So, I plan to remain celibate until I’m able to find a woman who I can share a deeper connection with. Love, however, for me, is as hard as fucking is for you. Trust me, my issues are also deep and tragic.”

  Oh my god was there a reverse on this moment?

  “Why? Why is love so hard?”

  She continued to eat, but I suddenly didn’t have much stomach for it.

  “Well, like you, I don’t have a whole treasure trove of great childhood experiences to draw from. My parents were cold people whose families married them to keep the money from filtering out of their circle. They are a part of generations of old money. These people do business together, lobby politicians together, and practically own their corners of the world. With their enormous wealth comes rules. Marry within the horde, don’t let outsiders in. Outsiders can come to dinner parties and be honored guests but never let them see what happens behind closed doors. Don’t shine too brightly, steer clear of the spotlight, avoid being noticed. Concede to your elders. Turn a blind eye to situations that look unscrupulous, you may not know what dealings are at hand. Always support the circle… even to the death.”

  Her eyes were wide, and I realized I’d laid it on a little thick. But, hell, it was thick.

  “I wanted out of that nonsense, so when I was old enough, I started to make my own money. Yet even with my own independently made fortune, I didn’t escape our wealth and its strict regulations. I was still a son of the tribe. My parents, Wenton, and I are billionaires many times over. The stocks they bought me when I was a baby, long before they realized that they pretty much hated having kids, have already generated much of my wealth. Then there are houses that my grandparents left me and a business I know nothing about in Abu Dhabi that pays to the tune of ten million a month. We’re loaded in ways that are almost humanly impossible.”

  Her mouth was open. I didn’t blame her. It was a lot to take in.

  “However, despite our family’s great wealth, my parents are stingy with money. They didn’t go bashing each other in, I’ll give them that much credit, but they put up with one another, barely. They dealt with money, handling the house and all of their assets well. They ran our home as one would run a business. They had a passing interest in one another and did things together occasionally, but when they weren’t contractually obligated to put on a show of marriage, they were each involved in their own lives.”

  It was Caitlyn’s turn to squeeze my hand, and I was grateful for her warmth and comfort.

  “They never showed affection to one another and they absolutely never mentioned the idea of loving each other. To the contrary, they were always picking at each other’s faults. I came to understand that love meant allowing yourself to be vulnerable to attack. It was an unwelcomed barring of one’s soul for someone else to step
on, trample and obliterate. I never wanted that. In fact, I actively avoided it in every exercise of my existence.”

  She was nodding now, understanding and sympathy playing on her face.

  “I let my body follow its own ethics, the code of lust. This kind of self-regulation fit nicely with my family’s breed of loyalism. Fuck who you want, whenever you want. Fuck them hard, fast, and frequently. Just don’t get caught doing something stupid and don’t bring them to Christmas dinner. I’m sure my parents had multiple lovers over the years, but nobody mentioned them and nobody cared about them. I was destined to be what I am and the only person who ever threw me off my game was Wenton.”

  Caitlyn smiled at the mention of my brother. “How so?”

  “He couldn’t play by the rules. It wasn’t in his DNA, literally. Williams kids are the nicest, sweetest humans. He didn’t have the chops for the family’s breed of ruthlessness. And, honestly, he was someone they wanted to hide away. They never told people there was anything wrong with him. They just kept him hidden. When he kissed that girl, there was rumor of a possible scandal, so they shipped him away as soon as they had even the remotest reason. To be honest, it was the best thing that ever happened to him. At the facility, he had an opportunity to create a life for himself. It was a small life, but better than being locked in his room. When he left, my mom sort of gave up caring for her kids. I was already in my late teens and had spent most of my life at boarding school. She lived at her weekend house and my dad dove into work. I would spend my weekends and holidays with Wenton. He was my real family.”

  Boy, did I overshare.

  It was amazing what vulnerability did to you. It was like diving off an ocean liner into the open water, without anything but the hope that someone will come to your rescue. I felt nauseous.

  “Wow,” she breathed. “People think that billionaires have the best lives, but yours sounded like a nightmare. It’s funny what you don’t know about people when you first meet them.”

  She smiled, and in it was forgiveness, surrender, and trust. Possibly, a truce had been drawn between us.

  “It is funny. And on that note, I just want to confirm that I will not be propositioning you again. Sex is completely off the table. If it ever creeps back onto the table, it will be at your behest.”

  “Mmm, I like this very much. Thank you, and honestly, I’m starting to admire you too. Sorry I’ve been such a judgy bitch.”

  “Oh no, it’s good that you’ve been a judgy bitch, trust me. It’s definitely protected you from ‘super dick.’” I managed to say that with a straight face, and she laughed.

  “Super dick, huh?”

  My grin was as big as hers. “Yes, and should he rise up on occasion with his cape flying behind him, just ignore him. I will try to do the same.”

  She stabbed a fry with her fork. “I’ve been warned.”

  “Like now. He might want to start flying now,” I cautioned just to make her laugh.

  “Super dick who?” she asked while wrangling with a lobster leg.

  The rest of the night we spent eating, laughing, and talking about lame movie gossip. I shared insider gossip that she found amusing and she told me hilarious stories about some of the crazy things her students had done. We just enjoyed each other’s company.

  When the night was over, we walked along the beach for a while, enjoying the moonlight and the sand between our toes. Sadly, though, it was late and time to take Caitlyn home. I had a long drive ahead.

  I’d been in contact with my driver, letting him know we were ready to be picked up. My driver’s name was Robert, and luckily, he had family in Connecticut. As I was getting to know Caitlyn, I was coming to understand her broad worldview — she saw everyone as a person and every person as an equal.

  Robert had been driving for me for years, but I barely ever said two words to him. That started to change after meeting Caitlyn. I began to feel sorry for keeping him away from his family and friends on the weekends, and gave him an option of having the weekends off. Robert thanked me for the opportunity, but he had friends he saw while I was busy with Wenton and he liked the extra money. So, while I didn’t have to drive the long stretch home, it was nearly nine p.m. and time to go.

  When we arrived at Caitlyn’s house, I got out of the car and walked her to the door.

  “I had a great time today. Being with your brother, the karaoke, dinner…everything. Thank you so much, you’ve really changed my life and I especially appreciated our talk.”

  “You’re welcome. I can’t think of anyone who deserves it more. I have a great deal of respect for you.”

  All I wanted to do was kiss her.

  But she leaned in and kissed me. Her kiss was soft, sensual, and sweet.

  And I fell farther down the rabbit hole of love.

  CHAPTER 11

  Caitlyn

  I knew as soon as I came in looking like a star-crossed lover, I was going to hear it from Tammy.

  “So?” she said, looking like a mother about to explode into an hour-long tongue-lashing.

  “So?” I mocked.

  Her eyes narrowed. “Oh no, you don’t.”

  I sighed. “Nothing happened and nothing will happen. I just gave him a goodbye kiss is all. He actually promised to take sex off the table unless I wanted it.”

  “Shut up.” Tammy seemed impressed.

  “Yep, he said, he’d keep super dick—”

  She held up her hand, stunned. “He did not name his cock.”

  “—in his pants,” I finished.

  “That guy is a trip.” Tammy shook her head. “Do you have any idea how famous he is?”

  I lifted a shoulder. “A little.”

  “I’m just saying… ‘The Love That Never Died.’” It was Tammy’s favorite movie.

  “He did that?” I asked, truly shocked.

  “Girl, you need to bone up on your Google skills. Hell, yes he did.” She was glowing just a little bit.

  “Well, that’s pretty cool.”

  She rolled her eyes. “You’re hopeless.”

  “How’s Gran?” It was the million-dollar question we were both avoiding.

  “She’s really tired, only woke up once.” Tammy plopped down on the couch. “She’s looking kinda… I don’t know. I’ve never thought of her as old, but…”

  I sat beside her. “Yeah, I know.” I could feel tears heating up my eyes.

  “Listen, Cat, let’s just enjoy this time with her, okay? After work tomorrow, I’ll come over and we’ll get Ricky and have a dinner party. We’ll do whatever Gran wants to do, cook up some of her favorites.” Tammy smiled, basking in the glow of her great idea.

  “That would be perfect, Tam. Let’s do that. Gran will love it.” I felt so relieved.

  I wasn’t afraid of being with Gran while she was sick, but it was hard to watch her deteriorate so quickly. I didn’t know what I had expected her end to look like, but it was like a mush of surreal moments that I simply floated in and out of. Gran sleeping all day, not being able to walk, taking everything at a slow pace. Her body quickly dwindling, her skin loosening, her eyes growing dark. Inside that dying body was the woman who had been my mother, my best friend, and my only real family. Now that entire package was… drifting away. I couldn’t face it. Tammy was good at diversions, and right now, that’s all I wanted.

  We planned our menu and our shopping lists, set the time, and since it was getting really late, she went home. I checked on Gran, who was still asleep. Being in the quite house with nothing else to distract me but my own mind, I thought of KP. He had been so much more than I had expected him to be. I hadn’t had feelings for a man for a long time. I just didn’t make space for them, but he was creeping into my heart. It was terrifying and exhilarating. I thought about texting him to see if he made it home safely but thought it would send the wrong message, so I just went to bed and thought of him, secretly hoping I would dream of him again.

  The next day I woke up to Athena, who helped me give Gran her
meds and make breakfast. Gran was in great spirits but seemed a little fragile. More fragile than I had seen her before, so much so that I couldn’t ignore it this time. We all ate breakfast together at the dining room table, but soon after, Gran was too tired to stay. We moved her to the porch so she could watch the neighborhood and the hustle and bustle of life. She quickly dozed off in her rocking chair.

  While Gran was resting, I asked Athena about the changes I’d been seeing in Gran’s health.

  “She doesn’t seem like herself anymore,” I said quietly.

  “She’s in there and is the same woman she’s always been, but her body is shutting down around her. That’s a hard war to wage.” Athena seemed like she was gearing up for a lecture, one I assumed she had given several times in her line of work.

  “Is there anything I can do for her?” I asked, trembling inside.

  “Be there for her, love her as you always do and…” she paused for a moment, like she knew that what she was about to say would hurt.

  “And?” I didn’t really want to know, but of course I did, desperately. I needed anything that would help me deal with my mounting anxiety.

  “Well, life has many stages. We’re born, we learn to eat solid food, practice the alphabet, deal with bullies, write five paragraph essays, get into college, figure out what you want to be when you grow up, fall in love, have kids, and then you hit the other side of the mountain.”

  She patted my hand. “And you think Gran is near the end of her journey?” My heart squeezed as I said it.

  “Yes, darling. It’s actually no different than the beginning, no less a milestone of existence. What a lot of people do is shy away from this last greatest step. They pretend it’s not happening and deny the person their right to face the last step with dignity and pride. You can’t force a baby to stay in the womb and you can’t stop a person from dying. It’s all part of the cycle of this amazing thing we call life. Your gran probably only has a few more days until that end… that perfect finish. So, what you might do for her is embrace it.”