Snowstorm Confessions

by Rachel Lee

  But then he folded into the chair with his legs between hers and he didn’t let go. Nor, in fact, did she, although now she was bent over. Their arms remained tightly locked around each other, telegraphing something approaching desperation.

  She gave in, pressing her face into his shoulder. Then to her amazement, she felt him draw her onto his lap, their hips and torsos meeting fully. The cut-up sweatpants he wore left little to her imagination. He was hard for her. He wanted her.

  At last she drew a deep, gasping breath, grateful to find oxygen again. “Luke...” It came out a mere whisper of sound.

  “Just relax,” he murmured. “I’m hardly in any position to ravish you. But damn, I missed this. I missed us.”

  She pulled her arms out from under his and wrapped them around his neck because she was incapable of doing anything else at that point. He had suddenly become the only rock in the storm-tossed sea of passion that was rolling through her in huge waves.

  It had always been like this between them. Always. It had been about the only glue that had held them together for four years. As it filled her now, it altered her memories of the past, reminding her of the good things she had tried so hard to repress.

  Dangerous? Yes. But oh so good, and she wasn’t in any hurry to give it up. Just being held... It seemed like forever since strong arms had held her and made her feel as if she had come home. It was a feeling she didn’t want to relinquish, however ephemeral it might be.

  Even as her center throbbed for him, a kind of relaxation filled her, softening her, easing tensions she hadn’t been aware of bearing. She welcomed the softening, needing it as much as the passion. How could she have forgotten that he had this power, the power to make her feel soft and safe?

  Because she had fought it in ways that really mattered, never fully giving him herself and her trust. Crippled.

  Slowly she lifted her head, hating the space she was about to place between them. She hated the coward she had somehow become, hated the loss of the most wonderful thing in her life because self-doubt had turned her into a weakling. She had been afraid to do the very things that might have strengthened what they had had. Too confused to do them.

  But as he felt her start to pull back, Luke cradled the back of her head in his palm. “Stay,” he murmured. “Just a little longer. You’re safe, I promise.”

  Safe from what? She would never be safe from herself. But she pushed her concerns aside—all too easy for her to do, she thought sadly—then gave herself up to the moment and the magic.

  Stolen moments she was sure she would have to pay for. One way or another, life exacted a price.

  But she didn’t care. She needed these moments as badly as she needed air to breathe.

  Their hips felt almost fused together by the hunger between them. Her legs went weak, causing her to sink even more into him. His arms tightened, welcoming her, and she felt him shift, just a bit, as if trying to ease his own ache.

  Heat zinged through her. She knew him all too well and was reading his body language like an open book. He wanted her, too. A flutter of panic struck her. She hadn’t sorted out her own problems, and anyway, wanting wasn’t enough. It could only end badly once again.

  But before the panic could fully take root, he turned her head and his until their mouths met. No one had ever kissed her like Luke. No one.

  His mouth was soft on hers, not demanding, but the gentleness of his lips sent more waves of soft heat through her, reminding her of how he could make the whole world go away. Whenever she had been in Luke’s arms, nothing else had existed.

  Nothing else existed now. This was a familiar path, but no less inflammatory for that. Maybe it was even more inflammatory because she knew so well where it could lead.

  He made a quiet sound deep in his throat, not quite a groan, but she knew what it meant. She opened her mouth and gave him entry so that their tongues could duel in an ancient dance, a mimicry of the ultimate act. The warm and damp meeting, the tangling, twisting and teasing of tongues, created needs she would never be able to ignore. He still had that much power over her.

  His arm slipped down her back, circling her rump and pulling her tightly into him. In an instant, her aching need for him grew into a hard-edged hunger. She had been starving for him and had barely realized it.

  At that moment, she’d have given him anything possible in order to find the satisfaction only he had ever brought her.

  But then he pulled his head back. His breath rasped loudly in her ear. Reluctantly she opened her eyes.

  “Sorry,” he said. “I seem to remember promising not to ravish you.”

  She didn’t want to move, but knew she had to. Everything seemed to be careering off course, and the little cocoon she had made for herself was in danger of rupturing wide-open.

  She couldn’t let that happen. Not with Luke. They had too much history to mend. It would only lead to more pain.

  But pushing herself off his lap proved to be among the hardest things she had ever done.

  When she at last stood across the kitchen from him, every cell in her body felt drained of strength, every urge within her directed at him.

  He just looked at her, saying nothing, his eyes a bit heavy-lidded as if he were feeling the same way.

  She forced words to pass her lips. “This can’t work, Luke.”

  “Maybe not.” He sighed and closed his eyes, and in that instant she realized just how vulnerable he had made himself to her. He’d let her know that his desire for her hadn’t waned. That he still missed her. He’d exposed himself in ways she had rarely dared to.

  She pivoted quickly and stared into the sink full of potato peelings. If anything, her confusion had grown. Was there any hope of rebuilding? Did he want to try? Could she change enough, open up enough, figure herself out enough?

  Gripping the edge of the counter, she squeezed her eyes shut and ordered herself to calm down before she did something stupid that might hurt them both. Sex was not enough. It was never enough.

  If she were to decide she wanted Luke again, she was going to have to figure herself out, and right now that didn’t look too likely.

  She would have to discern what she needed beyond sex from him. What kind of future she really wanted. What she needed around the corner. Picket fences? Kids? Less travel on his part?

  Learning that would mean plumbing her dissatisfaction with their marriage. Honestly looking at what had made her unhappy, all the things she had felt without ascribing them to anything, all the things she had swept under the rug.

  It would mean finally knowing herself and whether her feelings were valid. That scared her. It scared her almost as much as losing the most important thing in her life had: Luke.

  “I’m scared,” she said finally.

  “That’s a step in the right direction. Wanna talk about it?”

  “Not yet.”

  “Fair enough. But thanks for telling me.”

  “Aren’t you?” she asked.

  “Scared? Hell yeah. I didn’t realize until you opened the door to me the first time how much I wasn’t over you. I came to defend my honor, and instead found out just how much I’d never wanted to let you go. Why wouldn’t I be scared?”

  “So it’s not a crazy feeling?”

  “I don’t think any of your feelings are crazy. Just talk about them. Please. And in the meantime, rest assured I’m not expecting one thing from you. We tore something down. We shredded it. I have no great hope that we can find a way back from that. But whatever, I’d at least like to know whatever you can tell me about what happened, about what’s going on now. I’m not afraid of your feelings, Bri. Just keep that in mind.”

  He wasn’t afraid of them, but she was. From a very early age she’d learned her feelings were wrong. Almost all of them. If she wasn’t happy, something was wrong with her. Intellectually she could know that probably wasn’t true, but the lesson had been learned at a much deeper level.

  Now here she was, just past thirty, and
she still didn’t know what was true and false.

  Silence lingered for a long time. Finally Luke broke it, changing the subject entirely. “How do I get ahold of Jack to build that ramp?”

  After a moment she turned. “I can call him. You don’t like him.”

  “I don’t have to like people I hire. I figured that out a long time ago. But this is a job he’s going to do for me.”

  She studied his face and saw determination there. His jaw appeared tight, and the faint creases around his eyes had deepened. Too much determination for such a small thing, but she could see no point in fighting it.

  “It’s on auto dial. Just grab the phone.”

  She went back to slicing the potatoes into a saucepan so she could make mashed potatoes to go with the broiled chicken breasts. Broccoli with cheese sauce would come next. Simple but important tasks, important in that they gave her some space and allowed her to calm down from her close encounter with Luke.

  She felt amazed that the passion could still flare between them that way. It was as if the ugliness of their final fights and separation had never happened. She wouldn’t have thought it possible that he could still awaken her hungers so easily.

  Clearly he could, and that made him one very dangerous man.

  She tensed when she realized he had reached Jack. Luke’s dislike of him was so obvious that she anticipated it had to bleed into his voice as they spoke, but it didn’t. Luke was both pleasant and professional.

  “You mentioned building a ramp for me the other day. I’d like to hire you to do it. I don’t want Bri paying for it.” Silence. “That would be great. And do me another favor, please. Charge me up front for taking it down when I’m able to move out. I don’t want her to have to deal with the mess when I’m gone. Thanks. I really appreciate it.”

  As easy as that, he’d hired Jack. She wondered how this was going to work out. Luke was a geologist, but he was also a builder. What if he critiqued Jack’s work?

  “I can almost feel your tension all the way over here,” Luke remarked. “I was pleasant.”

  She turned toward him again. “You’re not going to criticize him, I hope. He knows what he’s doing.”

  “I’m sure he does.” Luke paused. “And I’m equally certain I’m going to watch him do it.”

  “Luke!”

  He shrugged and half smiled. “Nothing like two guys discussing a carpentry project. A great way to make friends.”

  She almost asked why he would want to do that, given that he’d made his opinion of Jack clear. But then she decided it didn’t matter. As Luke had said, he’d hired plenty of people he didn’t like. Maybe this was his way of getting past it.

  The doorbell rang and she quickly dried her hands on a towel before going to answer it. Mike Hanson, a long, lean guy who adopted the appearance of a mountain man complete with beard, stood there, a smile on his face. “I thought it was time I dropped in on the boss man.”

  She had to laugh. “I wondered where you were.”

  “He’s had me playing mountain goat for him. The guy doesn’t let up, Bri. Ever.”

  “Come in. He’s in the kitchen. I’m making dinner. Want to join us?” Doing a quick mental calculation, she decided she had time to thaw some more chicken.

  “I’d love to, but you didn’t plan on another mouth.”

  “No problem,” she said as she closed the door behind him. “I’m still at the point where I can adapt.”

  She led the way to the kitchen and waved him to one of the dinette chairs. “You guys might be more comfortable in the living room.”

  “If you’re not throwing us out,” Luke answered, “I’d rather stay here. I need the scenery change.”

  She poured coffee for both of them, then went back to work, half listening to their conversation. This was, she realized, the closest to Luke’s work she’d ever gotten. These conversations had always played out elsewhere.

  “That snowfall the other night didn’t help one bit,” Mike said. “You can hardly pick out the terrain up there now. If we had open ski slopes, we’d be jammed with business.”

  “That’s the idea.”

  “Yeah, but right now...” Mike trailed off, then said, “I’ve been using that ground-penetrating radar like you told me. We’ve got some fault lines up there just like you thought.”

  “I could see some of them when I was up there. So show me.”

  Bri looked over her shoulder and saw long rolls of paper being spread out. To her it looked like a bunch of lines.

  “We’re going to have to move some of the slopes a little more than we thought,” Mike went on, clearly pointing out areas of interest. “But the important thing is to do some blast testing to see how stable these areas are.”

  “It’s mostly the surface faults I’m worried about. I don’t want rock slides falling on the slopes.”

  “We can manage that. I’m just saying we’re going to have to do more blasting than we thought. I don’t know how HQ is going to feel about that. At some point clearing the risks away is going to get expensive.”

  Luke continued to pore over the printouts and was nodding as he did so. Bri turned back to peeling a couple of extra potatoes and getting those chicken breasts thawed.

  The things she’d never thought about. Surprise took her as she realized she was genuinely interested.

  “I don’t think it’s impossible,” Luke said. “Not yet anyway. Damn, what kinds of maps were the designers using?”

  “Topographic, probably. Not every inch of these mountains has been surveyed for faults. I’m starting to wonder if that’s why the plans for this place keep dying.”

  “Yeah.” Luke sighed. “We could find more open places for the slopes. We might have to. Places where a rock slide couldn’t roll far enough to reach them.”

  “Slides are inevitable, but I agree we need to minimize them.”

  “So let’s start looking for wider bowls between the peaks. Safer places. I know we’ll have to run one expert course through the roughest terrain we can find, but clearing the way for just one slope wouldn’t be as expensive.”

  “Agreed.”

  After that the conversation grew too technical for Bri to follow. She only vaguely listened, but was glad to hear Luke sounding really involved and interested. After that concussion, she’d been so worried about long-term effects, but there didn’t seem to be any, except once in a while he mentioned being a bit dizzy. As a nurse she knew that no concussion could ever be treated lightly, so he was one lucky guy in that regard.

  But why would someone have pushed him? It just made no sense to her. Trying to kill him wouldn’t stop the onrush of progress if the people with the money wanted it. They’d just send someone else to do Luke’s job, and maybe hire a few security guards.

  But she couldn’t imagine anyone around here having it in for him personally. He hadn’t been in town that long—little opportunity to make a serious enemy.

  So that left someone who was either remarkably stupid, or crazy. Neither one felt very good to her.

  She was glad Mike had come by, though. It had cut the growing sexual tension between her and Luke, switching it off as effectively as if he had turned off the power. She simply wasn’t ready to deal with that again. There had to be more between her and a man than last time. Luke could get her motor humming all too easily, and when that happened everything else ceased to matter.

  Until she had started to feel that something was lacking, something was wrong, something she couldn’t even identify. Worse, Luke had always been good to her. Kind, gentle, loving, caring. All those greeting card sentiments wrapped up in one man. So what had there been to make her so unhappy? Hell, she’d often felt absolutely ungrateful for those times when she felt a lack, had told herself to appreciate what they had.

  She’d worked her way out of every single one of those moods and back to happy Bri. Or happy Brianna as her parents had called her as a child, until she started to grow up and express another side of herself. H
ow many times had her mother asked her, “Whatever happened to our happy Brianna? We nicknamed you Happy, you know.”

  Yeah, she knew. But life had been happening to happy Brianna. Growing up, fights with friends, the inevitable teenage sense of alienation, boyfriends who didn’t work out. Hormonal changes. Everything seeming to change, for that matter, at lightning speeds.

  So basically, she hadn’t been a blissful idiot anymore. She’d had problems, and new feelings to deal with. Sometimes strange feelings. Longings she could barely contain. A future that sometimes looked exciting and sometimes terrifying. All the adolescent mess.

  And no one to share it with other than her girlfriends who were shooting through the same rapids.

  So she hadn’t been perfectly happy, but any time she wasn’t she’d been criticized or even condemned for it. She’d learned to hide and then dismiss those feelings. Clearly something was wrong with her.

  But if something was wrong with her, maybe it hadn’t been her feelings. Maybe it had been locking them away. Remembering what Luke had said about not knowing what he could do when he didn’t know what was wrong made such sense to her.

  She had cut him out of her emotional life and then signaled again and again that she wasn’t happy, only to pivot around and be happy Bri again.

  God, she must have been confusing to deal with. Worse, she had attributed her feelings to him. If she was unhappy, so must he be. But had she ever asked? No. If he was unhappy, why wouldn’t he cheat?

  What a mess!

  She was beginning to think that the very least she owed him was a huge apology.

  She was glad at last to put dinner on the table, grateful for Mike’s presence as the conversation turned to lighter matters. They told her stories about some of the jobs they had worked on together, keeping her entertained. She noticed that Luke was beginning to look awfully tired, but she suspected that if she suggested he get back into bed he’d argue, at least while Mike was here.

  She wondered if he was concerned that Mike was reporting to their bosses on how well he was doing. That maybe he could still lose his job, even though he’d gone into high gear pretty quickly, touching base back home, letting them know he could manage quite well.