Secrets

by Lesley Pearse

  Myles grimaced. ‘Right now I’d happily see Michael married to a street-walker rather than “missing, presumed dead”,’ he said sorrowfully. ‘But back then I wanted my son to have a wife out of the top drawer.’

  ‘What a bigot you were!’ Adele could not resist goading him. ‘After I’d run off up to London I used to try and comfort myself for losing Michael by telling myself I’d had a lucky escape not having you as a father-in-law.’

  Adele didn’t want to see Myles ever again after that lunch. He’d told his side of the story with honesty, and she even felt that the nastier side of him she’d seen in Harrington House was a result of years of Emily’s impossible behaviour, but she thought he was what her grandmother called a ‘stuffed shirt’. He didn’t appear to feel any guilt at abandoning Rose. Nor had he lost any of his snobbishness.

  But a few weeks passed and when he called her up and invited her out again, she thought she needed to get to know him better. This time she found him more mellow, far more interested in her than trying to impress on her that he was an important man. By the time they’d met for the fourth time a whole new picture of him was forming. His stern, cold and humourless manner was only a facade. Adele felt he’d been conditioned to form it by his domineering parents, a disastrous marriage, and his career. When he dropped it, she saw the real Myles Bailey, a kind and gentle man who loved his children and grandchildren, a man who hadn’t had much fun or laughter in his life, and precious little love.

  It was during the fourth lunch that Adele found herself really liking him. He told her about some of the more amusing court cases he’d been involved with, and his dry humour and ability to re-create for her some of the more absurd characters he’d either defended or prosecuted had her almost crying with laughter.

  ‘No wonder Michael was so taken with you,’ he said with a smile. ‘You are such good company.’

  Adele just laughed, she couldn’t think of any witty retort.

  ‘I look back at that day at the nurses’ home in Hastings as one of the lowest things I have ever done,’ he said, reaching out across the table and taking her hand. ‘I came expecting abuse, threats and goodness knows what else, I was prepared for an ugly scene. Yet you took my news with such quiet dignity, it took the wind right out of my sails.’

  ‘Don’t let’s talk about that,’ she said, embarrassed by the intensity in his voice.

  ‘But we have to talk about it, Adele,’ he insisted. ‘We can’t sweep it under the table. I have to admit I was relieved you made it so easy for me. But afterwards I felt such an absolute heel.’

  ‘Serves you right,’ she said, attempting humour to sidetrack him.

  ‘I got my comeuppance in a way I would never have expected,’ he said. ‘You see, even though I had to tell you I was your father, I didn’t have any paternal thoughts, not then. Those only came afterwards, when I thought how brave, selfless and gutsy you were, especially when I learned you’d cut yourself off from your grandmother too, and had never told her the real reason. That’s when it hit me. You were the sort of girl any father could be proud of. But how could I be proud? I’d had no influence on your character or upbringing, and I’d been so cruel to you! Do you understand what I mean?’

  ‘I think so,’ she said.

  ‘I wish I knew what to do,’ he said sorrowfully. ‘I was weighing it up this morning before we met, but I still don’t know what is right.’

  Adele frowned, not knowing what he meant. ‘Do? You don’t have to do anything!’

  Myles shook his head. ‘I think I do. I haven’t had anything to do with your last twenty-three years, but I’d like to have a part in your future.’

  ‘We can meet up from time to time,’ she said with a smile.

  ‘But I suspect that each time I see you I’ll want more than a casual lunch or dinner,’ he said.

  Adele took her hands away from his and laughed to cover her sudden nervousness. ‘If we had anything more, people would talk,’ she said.

  ‘That’s my quandary,’ he admitted. ‘I want more and I think I ought to publicly admit you are my daughter.’

  ‘You mustn’t do that!’ she said in alarm. ‘Imagine what a can of worms that would open up! Aside from your children and Emily’s feelings, there’s my grandmother’s too. She would work out immediately how Rose got her house, and that would just about finish her off.’

  ‘But it’s you who should count,’ he insisted. ‘Not them. I failed to do the right thing years ago. I think I should do it now.’

  ‘No. Let it be,’ she said firmly. ‘I’m really touched you feel you want to do that. But just hearing you say so in private is enough. There’s been too much hurt in our families already.’

  ‘You are right in that respect,’ he sighed. ‘But if Michael is found to be alive, I will surely have to reveal it to him. After what he must have been through, don’t you think we owe him the truth about why you dropped him?’

  Adele had not thought about what Myles had said that day until now. Maybe that was mostly because it seemed all hope of Michael being found alive was gone, but also because her life had become so full. She was no longer a recluse in her off-duty time, she had dozens of friends apart from Joan and often went home with them to meet their families.

  She often visited old patients at home too to see how they were getting on, and she was studying as well because she intended to get a midwifery diploma. Dances, going to the pictures or the theatre, and visits back to Rye when she got a couple of days off, all left very little free time to brood about words or deeds in the past.

  She still wore Michael’s ring about her neck, he’d never left her heart. But because she thought he was gone for good, she’d tucked memories of him away and had got on with her life.

  But sitting here in the quiet ward, watching the first rays of daylight trying to filter through the blackout, all those feelings she had for Michael were struggling through too. She could see his face before her, those dark blue eyes, the long lashes and his lips curling up at the corners as if permanently smiling.

  She could also hear Myles insisting that if Michael was alive, he must tell him that she was his sister.

  Adele remembered only too clearly the sheer horror she’d felt when Myles had told her that shocking news. She had had three years to get used to it, yet even now it still made her feel tainted. She had no doubt Michael would feel exactly the same.

  Things had been further complicated by Emily, Rose and Honour becoming such good friends. In the past year they’d spent a lot of time together. What would be more natural than for the two families to want to join forces to celebrate when Michael came home?

  Yet Emily and Honour would be secretly hoping that he and Adele could patch up whatever their differences were. On the other side, Adele, Myles and Rose would all be trying to stand aloof and hide their destructive secret.

  Michael would be right in the middle of the two camps, and he’d be completely confused by conflicting signals unless he was told the truth.

  Yet even if by some miracle he could accept it, how would the pair of them know how to behave with each other? Adele couldn’t imagine ever being able to hug him the way a real sister would. Surely just an innocent brush against him would make her feel guilty? They’d be nervous of each other and the fact that their secret had the power to hurt so many other people.

  Presumably Myles would’ve been told about his son at the same time Emily was, and Adele thought perhaps she should ring him later and arrange to meet again so they could discuss all this.

  ‘But he’s alive,’ she reminded herself, for surely nothing should detract from that fantastic miracle. ‘We should just celebrate that for now, and not ponder on what to do when he gets home.’

  As Adele sat at the ward desk, Myles was in the stable yard at The Grange, his home in Alton. He was filling his car up with the last of the petrol he’d stored in case of an emergency. He had woken at five, too thrilled by the news about Michael he’d received the previous e
vening to sleep any longer. He hadn’t telephoned Emily then because of the late hour, and so he decided that today, instead of taking the train to London to work, he would drive over to Winchelsea so they could celebrate together.

  He was somewhat surprised that his first thought was to rush to her. Over all the years of rows and bitterness, he had grown used to disregarding Emily and thinking of all three children as his, alone. If he did sometimes concede they had traits from their mother, it was always the negative ones. In the past, if there was anything to celebrate, he wouldn’t for one moment have asked Emily to join him.

  It was only when Michael was reported missing that he saw Emily as an ally. Until then she’d been a nuisance, an embarrassment, someone he would gladly have cut right out of his life and done his best to forget. It was only a sense of duty and responsibility which made him visit her.

  But once he believed Michael was dead, Emily was the only person who he knew would share his grief. The only one he could reminisce with. And he rushed to her and she gave him solace.

  Then she told him of her close shave with death, and how Rose rescued her. He found it absurdly ironic that it was Rose and her mother’s influence that was helping Emily hold herself together so well, and in turn supporting him. On some of the darkest days he felt God was playing some terrible joke on him. Why should it be that he could only gain comfort from an estranged wife who had never given him any before, and feel indebted to another woman who had brought him great heartache?

  Yet by recognizing that Emily was still important to him, Myles found it harder to decide what to do about Adele. He wanted her in his life, up in the forefront of it, visiting his home, meeting his friends and colleagues. He wanted to treat her as a daughter, not meeting her in secret as if he were ashamed of her.

  Until last night, 80 per cent of him believed that he must tell his whole family about her. He didn’t expect Diana and Ralph to be very happy about it, but he’d thought that if Michael was found alive he would prefer to know the truth about why Adele ran out on him. But now Myles was afraid his desires were selfish and that the truth would bring nothing more than hurt.

  Myles arrived at Harrington House shortly after nine, having stopped a couple of times en route so he wouldn’t arrive too early. He was so keyed up now that he could barely stand still and wait for the door to open.

  The door opened, but it wasn’t the housekeeper or Emily standing there as he expected. It was Rose.

  A cold chill ran down his spine and he moved back. He knew of course that Rose spent a lot of time with Emily, but he hadn’t run into her before, and hadn’t for one moment anticipated she might be at the house today. She looked so very different too to the way she’d been when he last saw her in his chambers.

  ‘Don’t look so stricken,’ she said in a low voice. ‘I’ll behave perfectly.’

  He assumed that meant she intended to act as if they’d never met before, but only a complete fool would trust a one-time blackmailer.

  Yet this Rose had nothing in common with the brazen, over-madeup harpy who had stormed into his chambers. She looked pretty and fresh-faced in a simple print dress, with bare legs. Gone was the elaborate hair-style – now her blonde hair hung down her back in one neat plait. She might be in her forties now, but she looked closer to thirty.

  ‘I am not your enemy,’ she said in a low voice, then quickly explained why she was there. She said she was just about to go up and help Emily down the stairs, and then telephone Adele at the hospital. The respectful way she spoke and acted was as if she were a younger sister of Emily’s, meeting her brother-in-law.

  ‘Come on in,’ she said more loudly, switching on a bright smile. ‘I’ll just make you both some breakfast, then I’ll clear off and go and tell my mother the wonderful news. You two have a great deal to talk about today.’

  Myles’s fear abated as she flew up the stairs. Adele had claimed she’d changed for the better, and he supposed that if she was going to tell Emily anything, she would have done it a long time ago.

  ‘Oh Myles, isn’t it wonderful news?’ Emily said rapturously as she came hobbling down the stairs on Rose’s arm. ‘I’m so glad you’ve come. No one else could possibly know how I feel today.’

  Myles involuntarily went to hug her once she was down in the hall, something he hadn’t done for years, and she responded with great warmth. She giggled and caught hold of his cheeks, pinching them affectionately between her fingers. ‘I think we must be the happiest people on this earth today. I feel about eighteen again.’

  Myles thought she looked lovely. Her cheeks were flushed, her eyes shining, and he was reminded of how much he had loved her once.

  Rose laughed too, and it was the sound of someone who shared their joy. ‘I’m off to cook the breakfast,’ she said. ‘You’ll want to be alone.’

  Myles and Emily went into the drawing room. ‘I hope Adele and Michael will get back together eventually,’ Emily said as she sat down. ‘Adele must still love him, Rose said she was thrilled at the news when she rang her last night. One good thing that’s come out of this wretched war is the breakdown of class barriers. That’s what split them up in the first place.’

  ‘And my disapproval,’ said Myles, suddenly feeling uncomfortable.

  ‘But you don’t disapprove of her any more, do you?’ Emily said. ‘You said you were mistaken about her that time you called when she was here.’

  ‘No, I don’t disapprove of her. She’s a sweet and kind girl,’ Myles said, wondering what Emily would make of it if she found out they often met in London. ‘But the fact she cares that Michael is alive doesn’t mean she loves our son still. I suspect her feelings are only friendship.’

  ‘Honour doesn’t think that,’ Emily said with a pout. ‘She thinks they were made for each other.’

  ‘Now, Emily,’ Myles sighed. ‘It’s enough that Michael’s alive, without planning his future for him. The war is still raging on, we can’t count on anything. Let’s just live for the day, shall we?’

  Emily couldn’t remember when she last had such a perfect day, and she didn’t want Myles to go home. They had talked and talked, about Michael, happy times in the past and where they wanted to be in the future. Myles hadn’t been critical about anything, in fact he’d been so kind and helpful, washing the breakfast things and tidying up – he’d even gone along to the shop to try to get her some sugar. He couldn’t get any, but brought back some saccharine instead. When he tried it in a cup of tea he pulled a face and said he’d rather go without sugar than be poisoned.

  ‘I suppose the war is a great leveller,’ he said thoughtfully as he peered into the pantry to look for something they could have for supper. ‘Here we are, rich by most people’s standards. But money alone can’t get you sugar, bacon or a fillet steak. It’s odd to think that even the King and the Prime Minister have exactly the same rations as us and those who live in slums.’

  Emily was sitting at the kitchen table peeling a few potatoes.

  ‘Rose and Honour eat well,’ she said. ‘But then they grow stuff and keep chickens and rabbits. Those eggs we had for breakfast were from them.’

  Myles closed the pantry door, a tin of Spam in his hands. ‘You talk about them a great deal,’ he said with a trace of sarcasm. ‘Why is that?’

  ‘Because I admire them,’ Emily said evenly. ‘They may live in a primitive cottage, wear shabby old clothes and have to work very hard, but they’ve got something special about them.’

  ‘Such as?’

  ‘Honour is very wise, she understands things about people without ever asking questions. As for Rose, she cheers me. She’s so honest, she admits she spent most of her life being a real witch to everyone who cared about her. Yet I really like her, she’s practical, a bit bossy, and she doesn’t allow me to wallow in self-pity. I do so hope it works out with Michael and Adele when the war’s over.’

  Myles sat down beside her then and took her hands, making her drop the potato and the peeler. ‘You’ve go
t to stop this, Emily,’ he said.

  She laughed because his tone was gentle, not a bit like the brusque way he used to speak to her.

  ‘I’m serious,’ he reproved her. ‘I don’t believe it will work out for them, and you’ll only be disappointed if you keep this up.’

  ‘I know my son,’ she said with a shrug. ‘He still loved Adele the last time I saw him, just a week before his last flight. He told me so.’

  ‘Maybe he did, but a lot has happened to him since. Affairs between real people aren’t like the ones in fairy tales. Love can die when it isn’t nurtured.’

  ‘Like it did for us?’ she said, and her eyes filled up with tears.

  ‘Yes, just like that,’ he said.

  Myles suddenly felt unbearably sad. He could remember how his heart had been bursting with love and pride as he turned to watch Emily coming up the aisle on her father’s arm on their wedding day. Just sixteen, and the white silk gown, golden hair, flowers and her veil made her look like a beautiful angel. He remembered feeling quite sick with nerves about their wedding night, for he was sure someone so ethereal would be disgusted by carnal desires. Yet she hadn’t been. Once alone in the bedroom at The Grange, which had been newly decorated for them, she’d been as passionate as he was.

  ‘I wish I had understood you better, and been less selfish,’ she said softly. ‘You deserved better.’

  Myles was astounded. She had never held herself in any way responsible for the failure of their marriage before. ‘I should have been more tolerant when Michael was born,’ he replied. ‘I’ve heard it’s quite common for women to lapse into melancholia after giving birth.’

  She nodded. ‘Rose told me she suffered from it too when Adele was born. We were both bad mothers.’

  ‘Michael turned out fine though,’ Myles said, wanting to distract her from talking about Rose again.

  ‘And so did Adele. Perhaps it was partly because of the way Rose and I were with them that they were attracted to one another.’