Secrets

by Lesley Pearse

  Emily lifted her head from Honour’s shoulder, looked at the concerned faces all focused on her, then got up, moving round the table. She picked up a glass of wine and downed it in one gulp. ‘None of you need to apologize to me,’ she said, wiping away her tears with a napkin. ‘I deserved everything I got, and more besides. But looking at all three of you, so full of concern, makes me very ashamed of myself, and I know I must tell you something I thought wild horses wouldn’t drag from me. For Adele and Michael’s sake.’

  She leaned forward and filled her glass again with shaking hands.

  Honour was frightened now. There was a dangerous look in the woman’s eyes, she had already had more drink than was good for her, and her apparent calm was almost certainly a lull before a storm.

  ‘Let me help you up to bed,’ Honour suggested. ‘We’ve all had enough shocks and distress for one night.’

  ‘And I’m going to give you more,’ Emily said, picking up her glass and glugging down the wine. When it was empty she continued to hold it in her hand, and looked at all three intent faces before her.

  ‘Michael isn’t Myles’s son. He’s the child of the gardener at The Grange.’

  There was complete silence for a moment. Honour could only stare at Emily, thinking she’d misheard. Myles and Rose were doing the same.

  A loud crash brought them out of it. Emily hurled her empty glass at the fireplace where it shattered into pieces.

  ‘It’s true,’ she shouted defiantly, her hands fluttering. ‘I fell in love with him, he begged me to run off with him, but I couldn’t.’

  ‘Jasper?’ Myles exclaimed. ‘Was it him?’

  ‘That’s right,’ she said. ‘You called him Jasper. His name was actually William Jasper, I called him Billy. Michael looks just like him.’

  Honour turned to look at Myles. He was ashen-faced, stunned by the news, and for a moment Honour thought it was just Emily’s cruel way of getting her revenge.

  ‘I-I-I,’ he stuttered. ‘I sometimes wondered why you spent so much time with him in the garden. But I couldn’t believe that of you.’

  ‘Men are so foolish sometimes.’ Emily gave a tight little laugh. ‘They think it’s fine for men to stray, but women are supposed to sit at home with their embroidery and wait for them to come home. I was so alone at The Grange, Myles. You left early in the morning and came home late, often you were away for days on end. All I had was your blessed parents preaching to me about how the young mistress should conduct herself. They didn’t even let me play with Ralph and Diana, they had to be brought up by the nursemaids. Billy made me feel wanted and loved, he made me feel alive.’

  ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ Myles said.

  ‘What, that I was having an affair with the gardener and was expecting his child?’ Emily cackled drunkenly. ‘You would have thrown me out on my ear. I’d have ended up in the same plight Rose found herself in.’

  ‘I meant about how unhappy you were, before you began the affair,’ Myles rebuked her.

  ‘What would you have done?’ she tossed back. ‘Given me a lecture on how long The Grange had been in the family? Your parents were getting frail, someone had to be there with them. Even when the first war broke out, I wasn’t allowed to do anything more than sit and knit balaclavas. Billy had wanted to enlist, do you remember that?’

  Myles nodded. ‘I persuaded him against it because I said we couldn’t manage without him.’

  ‘Yes, that’s what you said. But he was in love with me even then and wanted to leave because he was afraid of where it would lead, and we hadn’t even so much as kissed then. You should have let him go. He went in the end and died in the trenches. I don’t think he even tried to survive.’

  Honour could hear the raw pain in Emily’s voice and knew then why she had been such a troubled soul for so many years. She remembered too how she felt about Frank, and knew in her heart that any woman feeling that strongly for a man would do what Emily did, right or wrong.

  Rose was crying too, whether it was because she also understood Emily, or because she felt responsible for bringing further grief into this house, Honour couldn’t tell.

  Myles was looking at Emily who was now sitting at the table again with her head in her hands. He looked as if his whole world had crumbled.

  Honour wanted to cry too. She had been looking forward to tonight for days because she thought it was on the cards that Emily and Miles might become husband and wife again. Now that was wiped out.

  ‘I think we should go home, Rose,’ she said quietly.

  Rose and Honour left then, creeping out without saying a word. It was dark now, and the night air warm on their bare arms. They didn’t speak, but linked arms and walked quickly away from Harrington House.

  It was the start of August before Rose and Honour saw Emily again. They had both written her a letter after the supper-party, but neither of them received a reply. They were told by Jim the postman that she’d gone away but they had no idea if she was with Myles or alone.

  Honour and Rose had discussed when Adele should be told, the morning after the supper-party. It would of course be wonderful news for her, for there was nothing now to stand in the way of her and Michael marrying when he came home. But they couldn’t just tell her without consulting Myles and Emily first. It was their family secret, after all, and they might want to explain it to Adele themselves, once they’d decided whether or not they were going to tell Michael.

  But talking further about what had happened that night was like a minefield. Honour got angry and said Rose should have told her the truth a long time ago and saved both families such grief. She said she would never have accepted the invitation for supper had she known Rose had once had an affair with Myles. She guessed too that Rose had blackmailed Myles, and she was so disgusted she didn’t speak to her for days. At times the atmosphere was so tense between them that Rose was tempted to go back to London.

  It didn’t help that it rained almost continually, forcing them to be indoors a great deal. They went about their usual tasks by day, at night they listened to the wireless or read, but not in the easy, companionable way they had before. It was when they heard that a new pilotless plane known as the V1 was being launched from Germany to drop bombs on London again that Honour showed her real anxiety.

  ‘What on earth are Emily and Myles up to? Why don’t they contact us?’ she raged. ‘I want to get this over and done with, it’s playing hell with my nerves.’

  Rose knew that in reality she was afraid Adele was in danger again, as these new bombs meant she wouldn’t get any leave for a while.

  People called the new threat ‘doodlebugs’ or ‘buzz bombs’, and it was said that they were Hitler’s revenge for the Normandy landings as they began soon afterwards. They could be heard flying overhead, but the only news on the wireless or in the newspapers was quite casual; reports of attacks on the south, but no detail. Adele’s weekly letters reported that the hospital was very busy again with casualties, but she didn’t say much more than that the doodlebugs were an infernal nuisance, because there was no warning of their arrival.

  ‘She’ll be all right, Mother,’ Rose said soothingly. ‘And Emily and Myles will surface again soon. They’ve got to make a really important decision, they can’t rush it. I know you are dying to tell Adele, but she’s believed Michael was her brother for three years, another couple of weeks of thinking that won’t make any difference to her.’

  ‘It’s not just Adele I’m fretting about,’ Honour admitted. ‘I keep worrying about Michael too. How’s he going to feel when he hears that the gardener was his father?’

  Then, on the first dry day they’d had in some time, Emily came visiting at Curlew Cottage. She looked well, having been away in Devon with Myles for several weeks. She apologized for not contacting them, but said she and Myles had felt they needed time and distance from everyone to think things through.

  ‘It might seem strange to you both, but I’m glad it’s all come out now,’ she said, h
er eyes brimming with tears. ‘Myles and I have a chance to maybe start again, all fresh and new. And there won’t be anything to hold Adele and Michael back now either.’

  She went on to say they had decided that they would tell Michael when he came home, but it should be his decision whether Diana and Ralph were also informed. She said that Myles thought they should tell Adele next time she came home on leave, and he would come down so they could all tell her together.

  ‘He thinks I should be there too,’ she said. ‘To show I’m happy that’s she’s now part of our family.’

  Despite Emily’s understandable anxiety about how Michael would take the news that Myles wasn’t his natural father, she seemed relaxed and happy. She said that her secret had caused her great misery over the years, and that now it was out, she felt a huge burden had been taken from her shoulders. Myles had said it didn’t change his feelings for Michael in any way, and he was also very happy that he no longer had to hide his meetings with Adele.

  ‘I hope you two are still my friends?’ Emily said, looking from Honour to Rose. ‘It has, if nothing else, made us real family too.’

  They had always thought of Emily as charming, but weak and self-centred, yet they suddenly realized how brave and unselfish it had been for her to admit her infidelity and deception that night. She could have raged at Myles, taking the moral high ground and gaining everyone’s sympathy, but she didn’t.

  All she’d seen was the obstacle between her beloved son and the woman he loved. Knowing she had the power to remove that obstacle, however much it cost her, she had been prepared to pay the price.

  ‘Of course we’ll always be friends,’ Honour said, her voice thick with emotion. ’You, Emily Bailey, are a brave and very honest woman.’

  Emily stayed all afternoon, and the three of them found a great deal to laugh about as they exchanged gossip, and news about what had gone on since they last met.

  ‘You two should have a day out together,’ Honour suggested as they had yet another pot of tea. ‘There’s probably things you need to say to one another without me there. And you could do with a bit of fun for a change.’

  ‘We could go to London,’ Emily said immediately. ‘I need some new things and there’s nothing in the shops in Rye.’

  ‘Is that a good idea with these doodlebugs?’ Honour asked.

  ‘Adele said in her last letter that they are mainly south of the river,’ Rose replied. ‘Besides, I need to check on my place in Hammersmith. And London’s more fun than anywhere else.’

  Honour smiled at that, for she was glad to see the clouds had rolled back for both Rose and Emily. ‘On your heads be it,’ she said. ‘Just don’t grumble to me afterwards if all the trains are delayed.’

  It was on a Thursday, almost at the end of August, that Rose and Emily caught the eight o’clock train from Rye to London. The entire summer had been very wet and chilly, but that morning was bright with sunshine. Emily looked very elegant in a pale blue costume and a cream, broad-brimmed felt hat. Rose joked that she looked like the poor relation in a striped summer dress and a rather battered straw hat trimmed with a new ribbon.

  ‘We could look at wedding hats,’ Emily said dreamily as she looked out of the train window.

  Rose half smiled. She thought her friend was such a child sometimes. It was almost as if she believed in fairy godmothers, and that with a wave of a wand, Michael and Adele would just waft down the aisle without even a glance backwards. For all they knew, Adele could be seeing someone new, she might never feel the same way about Michael as she once did. As for Michael, they didn’t know the full extent of his injuries, and they certainly couldn’t even guess at the impact the news that his real father was buried somewhere in the fields of Flanders was going to have on him.

  ‘Don’t tempt fate,’ Rose rebuked her. ‘Anyway, as it’s almost impossible to buy a lipstick or face powder now, do you really think we’d find a shop with decent hats?’

  ‘Let’s buy something extravagant for Honour then,’ Emily suggested. ‘What about some pretty pyjamas?’

  Rose laughed. She found the thought of her mother slinking around in fetching pyjamas hilarious. ‘That would be a waste of money and coupons. She’d appreciate the thought but she wouldn’t wear them, she likes a flannel nightie. She’d much prefer a pair of slacks or some knitting wool to make herself a jumper. Or even chocolate.’

  ‘My mother said she was very beautiful as a young woman. She said she wore the most lovely hats when she first moved into Curlew Cottage. Your father was a handsome man too, Rose. Mother said all the ladies used to admire him.’

  Rose smiled. She could recall her parents dressed for dinner when they lived in Tunbridge Wells, Honour wearing midnight-blue velvet, with sparkly combs in her hair, and smelling divine. Frank was tall and slender, and his fair hair was thick and curly. She remembered him in a maroon waistcoat with mother-of-pearl buttons, and she’d made him laugh when she said he looked like a prince.

  ‘They were a handsome couple,’ Rose agreed. ‘But I don’t think either of them really cared for dressing up in finery. They had everything they wanted with each other, they were happy with a simple life.’

  ‘I wonder if I would have been like that if I had run off with Billy?’ Emily said thoughtfully.

  ‘I couldn’t see you living in a gardener’s cottage,’ Rose said. ‘You weren’t really born to rough it.’

  ‘Neither was Honour, or you,’ Emily said.

  Rose was quite shocked to see how shabby London looked. She had come up on several flying visits in the last couple of years, but as she was alone and going straight to Hammersmith, she hadn’t noticed any significant changes. But as she and Emily strolled in the sunshine up the Haymarket, through Piccadilly and on to Regent Street, she felt saddened by the boarded-up windows, the soot-stained facades, and the general dreariness of everything. It was true that the West End had had its share of damage during the Blitz, but she had expected it all to have been put right again. The rubble might have gone, but there were parts of buildings missing, weeds growing in gaps in the bricks.

  This part of London had always been synonymous with glamour to Rose. Elegant women wearing the latest fashions stepping out of taxis. Flower stalls that boasted blooms never seen away from the West End. Jewellers’ windows displaying fabulous gems, and gown shops stuffed with beautiful clothes.

  There were no smartly dressed women window-shopping now. Everyone looked shabby and down at heel. There was little to excite Rose and Emily in the shop windows either, just dull utility clothing, nothing frivolous or glamorous. Nor were there many men in uniform around. Clearly they had all gone off to Normandy for the landings.

  In a coffee shop, which in fact did not serve coffee, only tea, they overheard a couple of women on the next table talking about the doodlebugs. It seemed they had caused a great deal more destruction than Rose and Emily had imagined. ‘If the engine cuts, that’s it for you,’ one woman said to the other. ‘No point in running, you can’t escape.’

  ‘Still, we’re safe enough around here,’ her friend replied. ‘It’s Croydon way and the East End that gets them. I’ve got a neighbour who knows about them and he says they can’t fly further than that.’

  ‘Do you think Adele is all right?’ Emily whispered nervously. ‘Should we go over there?’

  ‘Don’t be silly,’ Rose snapped. ‘Look what happened to Honour when she went there! Besides, Adele would’ve told us not to come to London if it was dangerous. We’ll be all right up here, that woman said the rockets can’t reach the West End. And we can telephone the hospital later to speak to Adele.’

  The two women forgot about the threat of doodlebugs when they went into Swan and Edgar’s at Piccadilly Circus and Rose found some nice scented soap, and a pair of navy blue linen slacks that were her mother’s size. Emily bought a pretty blouse, then, cheered that there were actually some goods worth buying in London shops, they decided to go up to Selfridges in Oxford Street, and go over
to Hammersmith after lunch.

  The two women stopped just before reaching Selfridges’ doors because there was an old-fashioned hurdy-gurdy organ playing. The owner was wearing a battered top hat and bedraggled tails, and he had a little monkey dancing on top of the organ.

  For both women it was evocative of their childhood, when such sights were commonplace, and they went into raptures over the cute little monkey in its red coat and fez. Since war broke out, pets had become rarer because of food rationing. Most people had hung on to ones they already had, of course, but they weren’t replaced if they died. As for a monkey, it was the first one they’d seen in years.

  The monkey’s owner let Rose hold it, and it clambered up on to her shoulder and perched there silently. Emily wanted to hold it too, but she was nervous of it, and she giggled like a schoolgirl.

  Suddenly they heard a plane overhead. They looked up, as everyone else did, and the monkey on Rose’s shoulder suddenly began to chatter and show its teeth. The hurdy-gurdy man snatched the monkey back. ‘Doodlebug,’ he informed them, and caught hold of his machine and began wheeling it away, down a side street.

  Rose looked around her, and saw everyone around them on the pavement was just standing looking up, or ignoring it completely and walking on and into Selfridges. No one was rushing for shelter, and although she wanted to flee, she was afraid of looking foolish.

  She reached out for Emily’s hand as the droning noise came closer. ‘Oh Rose, I’m frightened,’ Emily exclaimed, holding her hand very tightly.

  ‘It’s all right,’ Rose said, although she was frightened too. ‘It’ll pass over us, you’ll see.’

  All at once they appeared to be isolated from all the other shoppers who had moved into shop doorways, or disappeared down into Bond Street Tube station. Instinctively they moved towards a shop with a striped sun awning. Then suddenly the droning noise stopped.