Grandmother's Namesake

by Cathy Bryant

  Before long, the three arrived at the meetinghouse. At which point, they were promptly greeted by Mr. Ormsby. Mr. Ormsby then attempted to help Susanna down from the wagon, only to be prevented as she hastily climbed down on her own. She was not about to allow him to assist her, especially considering he had pushed past William to do it.

  William observed Susanna’s refusal of Jacob Ormsby’s offered hand, and grinned to himself as she climbed down by herself. Perhaps she comprehends that he is not the sort of man she should encourage. Not that she would. I do not believe she gives her heart away lightly; all the more reason for me to find a solution to this quandary. I fear that if we do not reconcile, she shall be hesitant to ever give her heart away to another. I would not wish for her to remain alone.

  “God, help her either to forgive and come back to me, or find another gentleman worthy of her,” he whispered, for he intended his words for the Lord’s ears only.

  Maddie and Susanna moved in the direction of the meetinghouse, leaving William and Mr. Ormsby trailing along behind them. To no avail, Mr. Ormsby attempted to engage William in conversation as they walked along. William had never been one to act as if all was well when it clearly wasn’t. Seeing that his efforts to converse with William were in vain, and he had been unsuccessful at gaining Susanna’s attention, Mr. Ormsby entered the meetinghouse alone.

  Once everyone was settled in his or her seat, the pastor began. His sermon on forgiveness spoke to Susanna. He expounded on the passages in Luke in connection with loving your enemies and being merciful and forgiving. He concluded his sermon with the passages at the end of Luke chapter six, which spoke of not being hearers of the Word only, but doers. Susanna felt uneasy at the realization that she had heard all of this many times before but, this time, had not acted on what she knew to be true with regard to William and his parents. What does forgiveness even look like? And does it always involve reconciliation?

  Susanna remained quiet on the return trip to Maddie’s. It troubled her to think she might have been disobedient to God. Additionally, she wondered how to put into practice the passages from the pastor’s message. Having both observed the troubled expression upon Susanna’s face, William and Maddie surreptitiously looked over at each other.

  As the wagon pulled into the yard, Susanna came to herself and prepared to climb down. Just as she was about to step down, however, William, moving toward her offered his hand.

  Susanna gazed into his eyes wishing with all her heart that she could not only forgive but accept him once again. She determined right then to forgive William but, as for their relationship, that remained to be seen. “God, first things first,” she whispered under her breath.

  Taking William’s hand, she said warmly, “Thank you, William. We are much obliged to you for seeing us to the meetinghouse today—and back again for that matter.”

  Stunned that she had spoken so cordially to him and that she appeared so unguarded, William responded. “It was my pleasure. I would be happy to do the same for the afternoon service.”

  “That is good of you. We shall be ready when you arrive,” smiled Susanna. With her heart pounding, she hastened into the house. “That was so awkward, Lord. Help me to do better the next time.”

  Maddie remained a moment with William. “William, something changed between the time we left for the meetinghouse and now. I think the sermon had an effect on Susanna. Passages on forgiveness often hit us right between the eyes, as we all need a reminder now and then.” Smiling, Maddie turned and went in the direction of the house.

  William stood there a moment wondering what the sudden change in Susanna’s behavior toward him meant. “Lord, steady my heart until she is over the hurt I have caused her. Help me not to rush in with attempts to explain myself before she is ready to listen.”

  Upon entering the house, Maddie questioned her young friend on the change in her demeanor toward William. Susanna responded by explaining that while listening to the message, God had spoken to her on forgiveness. “Maddie, I am not exactly sure what forgiveness looks like other than putting away my anger. I do know that it can only happen in God’s strength, for in my own strength I have not been the least bit successful. But what does forgiveness portend for my relationship with William? The facts are by no means altered by the reality that I need to forgive. His parents are and always will be—John and Mary Pressey. How can I betray Grandmother by planning a future in which his parents would be grandparents to my children? They are the very people who robbed my grandmother of that honor. Can you understand?”

  “Yes, Susanna. I think I can. Do not hurry things. Simply continue to pray for God’s will for you regarding William. That you should forgive is evident in God’s word, but reconciliation leading to marriage is another thing altogether. As you are praying about what to do, remember that William is not his parents, and that, at present, they are away in Virginia. He has separated himself from them because of what they did and has had his own burden to bear with regard to unforgiveness toward them. Do you think it has been easy for him?”

  With tears in her eyes, Susanna shook her head. She was beginning to see that it had been difficult for William too. “I believe I shall take a rest before the afternoon service.”

  “Will you not eat something first?”

  “No . . . no. I have too much on my mind right now to think of eating anything.”

  “Very well, but you should eat something when you get up; otherwise, you shall be quite famished by the time we return home.”

  Nodding her head, Susanna went in and stretched out on her bed. Before she allowed sleep to overtake her, she communed with the Lord for a time. There was much she needed to settle before she could rest.

  William went home eager for the afternoon service to come. Having Susanna open to conversation gave him hope that they might get beyond their present troubles.

  Chapter 27

  It had been a few days since Susanna had determined that she needed to forgive William—and she had. Even so, she remained hesitant about a future with him. She decided it was time to speak with him about how she was feeling. Steadying her nerves, she strolled out to the barn to see if he had arrived.

  William was gathering up his tools when she came ambling in. He felt unsure as to whether he should leave or stay and attempt to speak with her. Before he could make up his mind, however, Susanna came over and spoke to him. “Good morning, William.”

  “And to you, Susanna. How are you this morning?”

  “I am well, William.” Swallowing hard to keep her voice from trembling, she said, “If you have a moment I should like to speak with you.”

  With anticipation, William quickly responded. “Yes . . . yes, I do. Do you wish to sit a while?”

  At that point, the two young people sat down on an old bench. After which, they situated themselves so that they would be facing each other. Fiddling with her hands a moment, Susanna finally said, “William, I am sorry for the way I reacted toward you when Jacob Ormsby revealed . . . well you know. I know it had to have been difficult for you to tell me. What is more, Maddie has told me of your struggles concerning your parents.”

  William’s heart raced as he listened to Susanna. However, he could not see her expression very well, as she had not yet looked him in the eye. Having observed the nervous way in which she had been fidgeting with her hands, he concluded that it was courageous of her to have apologized. Especially considering she was clearly uneasy in his presence.

  “Susanna, as I have said before, I accept your apology. What is more, I never expected an apology from you. Any anger you felt was surely justified.”

  “William, when I apologized before it was for the way I had spoken to you, but I had also cut you off not allowing you to explain your reasons. I now want to apologize for that as well. Furthermore, if you still wish to explain, I am prepared to listen.”

  Grateful for the opportunity, William responded, “Susanna, I had already determined not to wait any longer before t
elling you about my parents. However, Jacob Ormsby made you aware of the situation before I had the opportunity. You see, I had come to understand that it would not have been fair for me to ask for your hand in marriage until you were aware of the truth.”

  Stunned by the news that William had planned to ask for her hand, Susanna peered up at him with astonishment. Not knowing what to say, she directed her eyes back down to her fidgety hands, as he continued. “You must believe me when I tell you that I am utterly ashamed of my parents for what they have done. I could not persuade them to change their minds, regarding the accusations, no matter how hard I tried. Furthermore, Susanna, I am also ashamed of my deception in using the name of Gage to conceal my true identity. Although, I have to say that it was not my desire to fool you. I was not even aware, at first, of the connection you and Maddie had to Mrs. Martin.”

  At this point in the conversation, he wondered if full disclosure might be the best course of action to follow. But should he reveal that he had made a trip to Susanna Martin’s farm to warn her? No—he decided. He would not reveal that information just yet. He believed it was best left for another day, as it would only serve to remind Susanna of that terrible time. It might also distract her from whatever else he wished to say by way of explanation.

  Seeing that Susanna had remained seated and attentive, though she still would not look directly at him, he continued, “I have not had any dealings with my parents since I removed to Haverhill, other than a chance encounter with my father, which led to a visit with my mother. Presently, they are away in Virginia, and I am glad for it. As I have struggled to forgive them, I am happy for the distance. Susanna, I feared causing you more pain by revealing who my parents are. And I had decided to go by another name long before I met you. In fact, as I have said, I didn’t even know for a long time that you were related to Mrs. Martin. I was sick when the truth of the situation dawned on me that you were named after your grandmother. At the time, I wasn’t certain. But having seen how sad you were a good deal of the time, I soon felt that my suspicions were correct.”

  Hearing a catch in William’s voice, Susanna glanced up at him. Upon observing the anguish in his eyes, she felt as if her heart would break. “Oh, William, it is not your fault. I can see that you have struggled with all of this. I regret that my behavior toward you has only served to intensify your misery.”

  With tears in his eyes, William looked intently into Susanna’s lovely face. “Do you forgive me?”

  “Yes, William. I understand now why it was hard for you to tell me. You were only protecting me from further agony.”

  “Susanna, it is true that I was protecting you, but I was also protecting myself from losing you. I felt that if you knew the truth, you might not see your way clear to a future with me.”

  With sadness in her eyes, Susanna replied, “William, I am still unsure about that. I do love you, but having your parents as the grandparents of our children, should we one day have any, just seems like such a betrayal to my grandmother. I need more time to pray about all of this before making a decision.”

  With slumped shoulders, William responded, “I understand, Susanna. If there is even a chance that you shall have me, that is more than I ever believed possible. I was so sure you had made up your mind against a future with me. Just now, you said you still love me. Those are the sweetest words I have ever heard. I love you more than life, Susanna, but I would not wish to injure you further. If having me for a husband would be a constant reminder of your loss, I would not want that for you.”

  Burying her face in her hands, Susanna cried, “Oh, William. I just don’t know.”

  Taking the risk that she would run away at his touch, William slid over beside her and wrapped his arms around her. Leaning into his shoulder, Susanna continued to sob. With his heart breaking at the sight of the woman he loved in pain, William let his arm fall. He then rose to his feet and hastened out of the barn. Understanding his need to escape—Susanna remained there awhile praying for direction.

  Maddie had been looking for Susanna and finally thought to check in the barn. “Oh, there you are. I wondered where you had gone.”

  Exhausted, Susanna looked up at Maddie through red, puffy eyes. “I spoke to William.”

  Surprised by the news, Maddie sat down on the bench beside Susanna. “What did you say to him?”

  “I told him that I had forgiven him and that I still loved him. He explained to me his reasons for keeping silent. I understand, Maddie, but I am not sure I can live with . . . it is just that I would be connected to such horrible—”

  Maddie was relieved to hear all that Susanna had said to William, and that he had been able to explain further why he had waited to tell her. “Susanna, that you are willing to forgive, is enough for now. Continue to beseech the Lord regarding all the rest of it. He shall make clear what you should do. Of that I am sure.”

  Susanna was so exhausted that, as Maddie had advised, she turned in early that night. The following morning, William did not come to the farm but sent Charles in his place. Though a little disappointed at not seeing William, Susanna thought it was probably for the best. They both needed some time to sort out all that had been said between them.

  Chapter 28

  William worked around his own farm for a couple of days while Charles tended Maddie’s. He thought it prudent to allow Susanna time on her own to come to a decision about their future. Though the situation was not as he had hoped, with their relationship brought to a halt, he was grateful that she still loved him and had forgiven him. He felt that, for now, the most effective way to utilize his time away from Susanna was to dedicate his days to work and prayer.

  Presently, over at the Osgood farm, Jane Jameson had come for a visit. Hearing a knock, Susanna opened the door. Surprised to find her sister standing there, she exclaimed, “Jane! I didn’t know you were coming. How wonderful! Can you stay long?”

  Hugging her jubilant sister, Jane replied, “Yes, Father said it would be all right for me to stay on a few days. Though he couldn’t stay for a visit, he said to tell you that he loves you.” Then, glancing over at Maddie, she said, “I hope this is all right. I do not wish to inconvenience you.”

  “Of course, Jane. I couldn’t be more pleased. You are always welcome. Come and sit down.”

  “I shall take your things into my room. You shall sleep in with me,” Susanna informed her sister, excitedly.

  While Maddie and Jane were waiting for Susanna to return from putting Jane’s things away, Jane asked, “Maddie, I sensed that something was amiss with Susanna when you came the other day. Do you know what could be the matter?”

  “Jane, you are very good at discerning your sister’s feelings, but I think this is something you should ask her yourself.”

  Looking a bit embarrassed for having brought it up, Jane responded, “Yes, you are right.”

  Shortly after that, Susanna returned—overjoyed to visit with her sister. However, upon entering the room, Susanna perceived that something had transpired between Maddie and Jane.

  “What is it? Jane looks a bit flushed.”

  “I am sorry, Susanna. You see, when you came home a few days ago, I noticed that you appeared quite cast down. As there wasn’t time to ask, and I was distracted by your news of staying on with Maddie, I did not get the opportunity to find out what it was that had you upset. I shouldn’t have, but I tried to get Maddie to tell me while you were out of the room.”

  Smiling, Susanna answered, “Oh, Jane. Is there nothing I can hide from you? You always know when something is on my mind. You and Elizabeth Howard—and Maddie for that matter, seem to read my mind even when I think I have hidden my feelings so well.” Grandmother always said “when your thoughts are in they are your own,” but what do you do if your face gives you away when you haven’t even spoken a word?

  “So there is something wrong,” she said with a concerned expression. “Are you still upset over Grandmother, or is it something else?”

 
; “I think I am doing much better in dealing with the loss of Grandmother. However, there have been some recent developments regarding Grandmother that I am attempting to sort out.”

  “Do you mind telling me to what you are referring?” inquired Jane, with a perplexed look upon her face.

  Glancing over at Susanna, Maddie nodded. Seeing that Maddie thought it was a good time, Susanna went on to tell the whole story to Jane. Wide-eyed, the younger sister took in a deep breath and slumped back against the settee. “Oh, Susanna! What a shock for you, and to have it revealed in such a way. Mr. Ormsby—haven’t I heard that name somewhere before?”

  Maddie then gave a quick synopsis of the Ormsby family to Jane.

  “Yes, I do remember hearing about his grandfather,” she said a bit overwhelmed by all that she was hearing. “What are you going to do about William? It is clear that the two of you have feelings for each other. Moreover, it seems that the situation was not of his making.”

  “Yes, and shortly before I found out about his parents we had declared our feelings for one another. I am at a loss as to what to do. I am praying about it. I love William, but I am not sure how I feel about becoming a member of his family. Sharing my children with parents such as his—and what if they were to return from Virginia? To my knowledge, they have not said how long they are to be away. If they were to reside in close proximity to us, and we were to have children, they might speak ill of Grandmother to them. I could not bear that. ”

  “Susanna, I do not envy you. I would not wish to be burdened with that kind of a decision. And William . . . how is he?”

  “Brokenhearted I believe,” sighed Susanna. “I was angry at him in the beginning for not telling me, but now I simply feel compassion for him—not anger. As I have already explained, his parents have recently removed to Virginia for a time in the wake of everything that went on last year. However, while they were still in Salem, he had broken with them. Following that, he came here to Haverhill to get away. He could not bring himself to be around them after what they had done. And this was all before we had even met.”