Brushing her hair, she noted with relief how the minute patches of raw scalp were now barely visible through her new hair. She dabbed some powder on her cheeks, a touch of lipstick for colour, then she slipped her feet into her low-heeled sandals. ‘I hope you’re doing the right thing, Alice,’ she whispered into the mirror, ‘…for everyone’s sakes.’
Downstairs, she wrote a note for her grandmother:
Dear Grandma,
I felt I needed some fresh air, so I’m going for a walk. I won’t be too long,
Alice.
XX
Softly letting herself out of the front door, she then closed it quietly behind her, before setting off down the lane.
Growing increasingly excited by the purpose of her errand, she quickened her pace. On reaching the stile from the lane to the field, she climbed over, jumped down on the other side, and went at a run down the long field.
Like a wild thing let loose, she ran until she thought her heart would burst, on and on, through the fields, then across the high lane that skirted the village, and now she was headed for the woods, her heart soaring as she realised that this was the first step towards seeing Joe.
Stumbling into the woods, she fell against a tree, breathless and exhilarated, her laughter echoing through the high branches, where the breeze carried it away to the skies.
She felt free, and it was amazing! Life was amazing!!
And all she could think of was Joe, and the two new lives inside her.
Suddenly her mood sobered, and she felt incredibly sad.
Leaning against the tree trunk, she slid to the ground, where she sat for what seemed an age, tears spilling down her face, and her heart heavy with the burden of what she must do.
After a time, she clambered up and went on. ‘You have a way to go yet,’ she chided herself. ‘Think of Joe…keep thinking of Joe.’
She pushed through the thicket; slowly at first, then faster, and now she was blindly running, thrusting back the branches that crossed her path; falling and tripping in the dense undergrowth, until she burst out into the sunshine, where she took a deep, invigorating breath. ‘Not much farther now, Alice,’ she told herself.
After a mile or so up hill and down dale she could see the house nestling lower down in the valley. She knew that house so well, with its tall cylinder chimneys; rickety outbuildings, and the sprawl of land, enclosed in that familiar white fencing.
Cautiously now, she approached, down the bank and up again, towards her beloved brook, where she had spent many a wonderful hour in its cool, welcoming waters.
She kicked off her shoes. Holding one shoe in each hand, she stepped into the shallow water and paddled up and down, gently kicking her feet as she luxuriated in the cool water’s soothing touch. When she was refreshed, she sat on a boulder and wiped her skin dry with the tail end of her skirt.
Eager to be away now that she was so close, she slipped her sandals back on and set off, up the field and on towards Tom and Nancy’s house. It was only then that she began to realise the enormity of what she was doing.
With the stark realisation came the niggling doubts. ‘Be careful, Alice,’ she warned herself. ‘Remember, they could have told you where Joe was before…if they had wanted you to know.’
As she drew near she recognised Nancy in the garden; as always she was dressed in the familiar pretty floral dress made by her own hands, and that plain blue pinnie she always wore when going about her housework.
On the ground beside her was a wicker basket spilling over with clean, white bed sheets, which she plucked out one by one, to hang on the line. They blew in the breeze, like the great sails of a mighty ship.
Warmed by the sight of that dear woman, and yet feeling suddenly anxious, Alice sat down on the grass to watch Nancy at her work.
This was the first time in many a long week that she had been in striking distance of Tom and Nancy’s cottage, and the sight of it now was tugging at her heart, creating a medley of emotions within her.
When suddenly Nancy looked in her direction, Alice lay flat on the ground, hoping she had not been seen. Nancy drew out another sheet and Alice was within a heartbeat of turning around and going back.
She chided herself, ‘No, Alice! You came here with a purpose, and you have to see it through. It’ll be all right…it really will.’ And yet, she could not be sure of that.
She paused when she heard the engine of a car start up.
Keeping low to the ground, she looked down towards the cottage and at once recognised the long, black saloon car, which she knew belonged to the landowner.
As the car went down the track and away, Alice noticed Tom leaning on the doorway. When the car was out of sight, he went back inside.
Having now hung out all the sheets, Nancy ambled up the path to the cottage, with the wicker basket under her arm.
Taking nervous steps towards the cottage, Alice paused to collect a posy of wild flowers from the hedgerow, now alive with drifts of pretty pink daisies and handsome coltsfoot, remembering Nancy always liked these.
Clutching them to her, Alice went tentatively across the garden to the front door, which as ever, was open and welcoming.
With her heart beating ten to the dozen, she went forward.
She hesitated for a moment. Was she doing the right thing in coming here? How would they greet her?
She tapped on the door.
When there came no reply, she tapped again a little louder, until Nancy emerged from the kitchen at the end of the passage. ‘Hold yer horses…I’m on my way!’
Wiping her wet hands on her pinnie, she came forward, a ready smile on her face. When she saw who it was, her ready smile quickly faded. ‘Good Lord! Alice! What are you doing here?’ There was no welcome, no acknowledgement of past friendship.
‘I need to talk with you, Nancy.’ Alice nervously clutched the flowers. ‘Please, Nancy…a minute, that’s all?’
Nancy gave no answer, but constantly glanced behind her. Alice held out the flowers. ‘Please, Nancy. I just need a minute or two, that’s all I ask.’
‘Then you ask too much!’ Growing increasingly nervous, Nancy seemed not to notice the flowers. ‘Look, Alice…I can’t ask you in. I’ve nothing to say to you. Go away. I don’t want no trouble.’
She cast her gaze over Alice. ‘You ought to be at home with your grandparents.’ She spoke sternly, ‘Please, Alice! For all our sakes, go away. Before he sees you.’
‘I can’t go away, Nancy.’ Alice had not forgotten the reason that drove her here. ‘I’m not here to cause trouble,’ she promised. ‘I’m here because I’m worried about Joe. No one will tell me where he is, and I can’t rest. I know he’s in a hospital somewhere, and it’s all my fault, but I love him, Nancy, I really do.’
In a sudden move that startled Alice, Nancy grabbed hold of her. Without a word, she ran her away from the house and down towards the barn, where she quickly shoved her inside. ‘Look at the state of you!’ she gestured to Alice’s torn feet and general state of chaos. ‘Good grief, girl, are you trying to put yourself back in hospital, or what?’
Taking the flowers from Alice’s hands, she laid them on a hay bale, and began brushing the leaves and debris from Alice’s skirt.
Plucking the bracken from Alice’s hair, she continued to warn her, ‘You should not be here! You should not even be out on your own. You must know how bad things have been for us. Tom is in a bit of a state. Look, just take yourself off home.’
‘It’s too bloody late for all that!’
Tom was making his way towards them. ‘Have you no shame? Is there no decency in you?’
When he took a step forward, fists clenched and his face set hard, Nancy feared his intention. Skilfully, she stepped between them. ‘Leave it, Tom! We don’t want you doing something you might regret!’
Her voice was stern, her manner formidable. ‘Go back to the house. I’ll deal with this.’
In all the years they had been married, Nancy had never known her husband raise an
angry voice to her, but he raised it now, and it shocked her. ‘I WANT HER OUT OF HERE!’
In a controlled voice he told Nancy, ‘If you’re so fond of the little hussy, then you’re welcome to pack your bags and go with her!’
Taking hold of Alice by the shoulders, he held her in front of him, his face not an inch from hers; his deep sadness written in his eyes.
In a low, broken voice, he demanded, ‘Have you any idea, what you’ve done to this family. Oh, I’m not saying Joe was innocent in all of this, and Frank neither.’ His fingers dug hard into her shoulders. ‘What you did might seem like a game to you, so what d’you care if your shameful behaviour has ruined all our lives. This was a peaceful, happy home, and now me and my wife can’t even speak civil to each other. We’ve lost it all, d’you see?’
He leaned closer, his voice almost inaudible, as though he was talking to himself. ‘Everything’s gone wrong! One minute we’re all under the same roof, a family together at last. Then suddenly it’s all snatched away. I’ve got one son fighting for his life in hospital…and even if he gets through it, he may never walk again!’
Viciously thrusting her away, he went on angrily, ‘As for his brother, he could be anywhere! Probably on the other side of the world for all I know…running scared, knowing that when they catch up with him, he could face a lifetime in prison. And all because of you!’
He paused, and when he now spoke it was in a deliberate manner, as he drove home every devastating word. ‘No wonder Joe hates you,’ he growled. ‘He can see how wrong he was, and now he’s broken and crippled, and he never in his life wants to see you again. That’s what he said. And he meant every word!’
‘Tom…please…’ Nancy had never seen her husband like this, and it frightened her.
‘So! Get away from here! Leave us be!’ Alice was shocked when he grabbed her by the arms. ‘Don’t try pleading with me, because I know what you are. You’re a hussy, that’s what you are. A bad apple, rotten right through.’
Dropping his voice to a harsh whisper he told her, ‘I don’t want to hear how sorry you are, because sorry means nothing to me. D’you hear what I’m saying, Alice Jacobs?’ He deliberately used her maiden name. ‘Being sorry will never be enough!’
Tightening his hold, he roughly marched her towards the barn door, startled when Nancy called out, ‘No, Tom! Please don’t hurt her.’
Frantic, Nancy ran between them. ‘For God’s sake, Tom…Alice is carrying our grandchild!’
‘Don’t give me that!’ Visibly shocked, Tom took a step back. ‘She’s lying. She would say anything to get her claws into this family again!’
Alice couldn’t help but fleetingly wonder how Nancy had discovered the truth, but whispers spread fast and eventually the truth will out and she was glad, because now she knew exactly what she must do.
Since being told about the babies, she had been troubled and confused about whether she should keep them, or end the pregnancy. Now though, her mind was suddenly clear. The decision was made, and because of it, her heart was easier.
‘I didn’t know,’ she told them quietly. ‘They only told me the day I was leaving hospital.’
For a moment the silence was deafening.
Looking from one to the other, Tom smiled, a slow, hesitant smile that never reached his eyes. ‘You’re a liar!’ He addressed Alice shakily, ‘I don’t believe one word of what you say, and even if you were telling the truth, I wouldn’t care one way or the other, because it would not belong to this family, and neither do you. You never have, and you never will!’
Looking her in the eye, he leaned forward. ‘You were the worst thing that ever happened to us. You split my family. You hurt my two sons, and left them broken. You’ve driven me and mine out of our home and off the land that I’ve worked since I was a boy.’
The emotion flooded his face, as he went on. ‘Inch by inch, mile by mile, we gave blood, sweat and tears to the very land we’re standing on now. Me, and my father before me.’
When Alice opened her mouth to ask how she could have done such a thing, he placed his finger so tightly against her lips, she felt them go numb. ‘You were not the only visitor here today,’ he revealed. ‘There was another visitor besides you. And neither of you brought good news to this house.’
As he went on, his face began to crumple, and now the bitter tears flowed down the narrow crevices in his sad old face. ‘Your sort would never understand.’
‘I do understand!’ she protested. ‘I’ve seen for myself how much you love this land, and I know it would break your heart if you were to lose it.’
He smiled, a sad smile that touched her deeply. ‘No,’ he whispered. ‘You can’t understand; nobody can. Y’see, the land is like a person. When it becomes neglected, it starts to die, and when it dies, the man who spent his life caring for it, well, he also dies a little…’ Making a fist, he thumped his chest. ‘In here!’
His sadness was overwhelming, as he addressed Alice in a broken voice, ‘With my boys gone, there’s no one to work the land. I’m too old and useless, and Jimmy can’t carry it on his own. I can’t afford to pay for outside labour, and now the landlord wants us out, so’s he can replace me with some fancy townie. Someone with new-fangled ideas. Someone who can rip out the hedges to make bigger fields, in order to produce bigger crops. Someone who would modernise and force the land to produce more than it can yield. But I only own a small part of it, and that will never be enough to sustain us. The landlord is a good man, but he has the last word and wants us out, and because of what you did, he’s got his chance. And I for one will never forgive you for it.’
Alice was distraught. ‘He can’t just kick you out! You must have rights. He can’t do this!’
‘Shows how little you know.’
Casting her a disdainful glance he told her again, ‘The landlord claims I’m not able to sustain my position and he’s right. So, you’ll be pleased to know that I’m finished. We’re all finished, you’ve seen to that!’ With his anger rising again he took her by the shoulders and shook her hard. ‘Don’t you ever tell me you understand, because you never will!’
Alice pleaded with him. She told him that she never meant for any of this to happen, but while she pleaded, Tom stopped listening.
With Nancy looking on, her face raw with grief, he turned his gaze to the door, looking across the magnificent sweep of land that he had proudly tended for all these years.
His heart and soul were alive with memories, of when he was a young man striding the fields with his father; each of them fired with the love of this beautiful place.
‘I was never so fortunate,’ he murmured, keeping his gaze to the land. ‘Unlike you and yours, I never had much land of my own. Never had the means, y’see.’
He gave a quiet little smile. ‘Show me a farmer who’s rich, and I’ll show you a speculator; a man who never sets foot on the land itself; a man who looks at the fields from a distance. In his cold, calculating mind, he sees a crop of money.’
His smile grew wistful. ‘The farmer on the other hand, who lovingly cradles that same land through drought and blizzard…he sees only the beauty in the golden swathes of a crop of wheat, or the endless drift of well-kept pasture, where every cow is known by name. And in springtime, the newborn lambs prance and play to their hearts’ delight. They have a full and satisfied life, like the farmer who cares for them.’
When he now raised his gaze to her, Alice realised how all the fight was gone from him. ‘Beauty, and continuity,’ he said. ‘That’s what the farmer sees, and that’s why he pours his very soul into keeping the land content, because when the land is content, then so is he.’
For a moment he was silent, living his memories, thanking the Lord for the life he had lived, but regretting this day, when it would all come to an end. ‘I spent my life toiling other folks’ land,’ he finished. ‘When we came here, the land was all used up and drained. We breathed life into it…me and my father, and my sons after me. Since then,
I’ve watched the seasons come and go, and I’ve been more content than any man has a right to be.’
He scowled. ‘But no more, thanks to you, I’ve lost the sons who worked alongside me, and the land that gave me everything. There are no crops to plan for. No money to be earned, and no one to help.’
As he went on, Nancy could be heard quietly sobbing in the background, and when Alice started over to her, Tom drew her back. ‘Leave her be!’ he warned. ‘Thanks to you, we’ve been given our marching orders. Our lives as we knew it, are over. That’s what you did to us, Alice Jacobs. We never had a slut in the family before, and you’re not wanted here, not now. Not ever!’
His anger knew no bounds as he forced her out the door; even when she fell to her knees, he could find no forgiveness in his heart.
When Nancy ran forward to help, he snatched hold of her and held her back, his thoughts in chaos as he strode angrily to the cottage; that same delightful home where he had always found shelter and security. Not now though. Because now he was being forced to leave it behind. His family, and his world was falling apart.
Broken in spirit, Alice watched them go; that dear homely woman, and this haunted man who was almost unrecognisable as the proud and gentle soul who had welcomed her into the family. Her heart ached because of all she had done to them.
Alice took a moment to catch her breath against the back wall of the barn. Her mind was in chaos.
She felt emotionally battered and hopelessly lost, and all she could remember were Tom’s bitter accusations of how she had destroyed the only things he had ever loved; his family, and his home.
And now he had no work, no help, and soon, no home.
He had blamed her for all these things, and even in her wildest nightmares, she had not realised how deep the tragedy had gone. It wasn’t just her and Joe, or even Frank.
It was all her fault.
All her fault! Dear God what had she done? How could she ever put it right?
When she got up to leave a short time later, she could hear them inside the cottage, loudly arguing; something she had never witnessed between these two kindly people before.
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