Coco Pinchard's Big Fat Tipsy Wedding: A Funny Feel-Good Romantic Comedy

by Robert Bryndza

  ‘Oh Marika,’ I said taking her hand. ‘The thing is, we haven’t got much cash…' Everyone looked at the phone for a moment.

  'Coco, don’t worry about a thing. We’ve arranged to have the wedding in the ruins of that little church on the hill. It’s going to be exquisitely simple… You do want to get married, don’t you?’

  'Yes,' I said, dazed.

  ‘Adam?’

  ‘Yes,’ he grinned, ‘yeah I want to be with Coco.’

  Ethel grabbed Adam again.

  'You’re so thin love! Isn’t he thin Coco? E’ needs feeding up,'

  'I’ve been feeding him Ethel,' I said. She let out a laugh.

  'You’ll be crying out for the prison slop after you’ve ‘ad ‘er cooking!' she said. ‘Right Marika, we’d best be orf, I am at your disposables, and I can help with whatever you need.’

  ‘So we’re cool with this?’ said Marika. We both nodded.

  ‘Right, let’s get cracking,’ she said. When they’d gone and I closed the door, I looked at Adam. He was grinning from ear to ear.

  'It looks like we’re going to have that wedding after all!’ he said.

  Thursday 18th August 19.29

  TO: angie.langford@thebmxliteraryagency.biz

  I am gutted you won’t be able to come to the wedding. I had no idea you are in Los Angeles. Preparations are well underway, but it’s all being kept a secret from me, all I have been allowed to do is choose my dress and the flowers - and I have just found the most wonderful wedding dress!

  I had refused to let Chris or Marika pay for an expensive wedding dress, so this afternoon I found myself with Wayne, Rosencrantz, and Marika in a vintage/thrift shop in Camden. We had split up and were rummaging through racks.

  ‘Are we going with white? Or ironical white?’ said Wayne quizzically pulling out a dress much like the one Madonna wore in the Like A Virgin video.

  ‘My days of wearing white are long gone,’ I said. ‘Let’s stick to champagne.’

  ‘I think you should be bold and wear red!’ said Rosencrantz pulling out a crazy red see through lacy number.

  ‘You know what my mother would say about that dress?’ said Marika.’Whore of Babylon!’

  Just as we were about to give up, I found, tucked away at the back of a rail, a beautiful and simple ivory coloured wedding dress. I beckoned them over. We all cooed in agreement.

  ‘Try it on Mrs. P!’ said Wayne.

  I went to the cramped changing room and took a deep breath, praying it would fit. It did. It fit perfectly. I opened the changing room doors and went out.

  ‘Mum, you look beautiful,’ said Rosencrantz.

  Wayne fanned his hand in front of his face unable to express his delight.

  'Oh my god Coco,’ said Marika, being uncharacteristically girly. 'It’s perfect,' she looked at the tag in the back.

  'Jesus,' she said shoving me back into the little changing room. They all followed and Marika shut the door.

  ‘What?’ I said. There wasn’t any place to move. Marika mouthed something.

  ‘What?’ I said. She showed Wayne and Rosencrantz the label in the back of the dress.

  'Oh no, is it crazy expensive?' I said.

  'No, it’s ten quid!’ said Rosencrantz.

  ‘Then what?'

  'It’s a Vera Wang,' Marika whispered.

  'No!' I hissed, craning my neck around to see. It was indeed a Vera Wang.

  ‘We mustn’t let them suspect we have it, it must be a mistake,’ whispered Marika.

  ‘Well, we should all get out of the bloody changing room,’ I said. I took the dress off and we approached the till terrified the mistake would be rumbled. However, the tattooed youth couldn’t be less interested and we got a genuine Vera Wang for ten pounds!

  Saturday 20th August 13.46

  TO: angie.langford@thebmxliteraryagency.biz

  On the morning of our wedding I was up at five, I was too excited to sleep. I left the snoozing Adam in our single bed and came outside to the garden. Rocco ate his breakfast then snuffled about in the early dawn light. I drank coffee and sat, content and happy.

  After a while, Adam came padding out in just a pair of shorts rubbing the sleep from his eyes. I still have to pinch myself when I see him in this flat. After all the long nights of despair when I was alone.

  ‘Ah it’s my beautiful girlfriend,’ he smiled sitting down beside me. He leant over and gave me a long sweet kiss.

  ‘Not for much longer,’ I said. By three this afternoon I’ll be the old ball and chain.’

  ‘You’re very lucky Coco, because I find single women just as attractive as married women…’

  ‘What are you saying?’

  ‘I’m saying I only have a few hours left to sow my wild oats and sleep with single women, so I’ll expect you in the bedroom in five minutes!’

  We got ready together for our wedding, Adam looked stunning in a sharp black suit and tie. The look on his face when I emerged in the Vera Wang dress made me feel like the most beautiful bride on earth.

  We arrived at the church just before three, but as our car pulled into the trees leading up to the church, I could see a commotion up ahead.

  The entrance to the church was blocked by a huge lorry. Our wedding guests were crowded round watching something. Adam helped me out of the car, and we walked up the crowd. Wayne was on the edge and turned as I approached. He clutched his chest.

  ‘Beautiful Mrs. P, and Mr. R.’

  ‘What’s going on?’ I said.

  ‘This lorry won’t move,’ he said. ‘And its got a very shirty driver.’ I pushed my way forward saying hello to all our guests and saw that Meryl was elevated five feet off the ground standing on the giant lorry’s front bumper. On the bonnet, she had rested our three-tier wedding cake.

  ‘You must move, now!’ she shrilled.

  'I’m from the council,' said the Driver leaning his head out of the cab. ‘I’ve told you, you all need to leave, this church is a designated health and safety risk.'

  I turned and caught sight of the Church, or ruins of the Church. A few pillars were all that remained now but the debris had been cleared. Chairs had been laid out and hundreds of candles were lit, dotted around the ground and on some of the remaining pillars. It looked breathtaking.

  'Can you wait for at least a couple of hours?’ shouted Adam. ‘This is my girl and you’re ruining her wedding.'

  'I’ve got my orders, no one goes in,’ he said.

  'No, NO, NO!' said Meryl hammering on the bonnet with her free hand. 'I refuse to let you ruin this wedding, and this cake is royal icing, do you know how much work it is to make royal icing from scratch?'

  'It’s a three hour job,' yelled Tony supportively. He was standing to one side with Wilfred in his arms.

  Meryl turned to Tony,

  “Tony! Cover Wilfred’s ears!’ She shrilled. He quickly put his hands over Wilfred’s little ears. Meryl turned and pointed her finger at the Driver,

  ‘Now you listen here. I’ll give you one last chance. Move now, or face the consequences. You really don’t want to fuck with me!’

  We all clapped and cheered.

  'Yeah! Bugger off, this is my Mum’s big day!' shouted Rosencrantz who was stood with Oscar in his black suit.

  ‘Let Mrs. P have her big day, she deserves it!’ shouted Oscar. Rocco, who was being held in his arms, barked in agreement.

  ‘This health and safety bullshit is killing this country! Be gone you Capitalist bastard!' shouted Marika (I think she’d had a few drinks in her capacity as wedding planner).

  'Do you know how long it took to light four hundred bloody candles with one box of matches?’ shrilled Chris in his white suit, banging on the drivers door.

  'And see ‘ow nice the bride looks,' shouted Ethel from under the brim of a huge hat. 'Er dress! iss a genuine Vera Wank!'

  'It’s Vera Wang,' I added. Our guests all took a step toward the lorry. The Driver went pale.

  'You’ve got until the ceremon
y is over,' he said.

  ‘You chose wisely,’ said Meryl. She lifted the cake, and Adam helped her down. The Driver quickly put the lorry in reverse, the crowd parted, and he drove off.

  The ceremony was one of the best moments of my life, looking into Adam’s eyes as we said our vows, and then when the Vicar pronounced us man and wife. Adam lent in and gave me a deep knee-buckling kiss and everyone clapped and cheered.

  After the ceremony. I realised I had no clue what was happening next.

  ‘It’s a surprise,’ said Marika. We walked down the steps to the road and a line of taxis were waiting when we emerged from the church grounds. We all piled in excitedly, however, the journey was short. We pulled up outside the Rivoli Ballroom. I looked at Adam.

  “I’m just as clueless as you!’ he grinned.

  ‘I ad a word in Bunty’s ear,’ said Ethel with a wink as we climbed the steps to the front entrance.

  It was the most stunning wedding reception. In the red velvet splendour and bedazzle of the ballroom we ate proper fish and chips washed down with champagne. We cut Meryl’s beautiful cake to a round of applause and then we danced, we danced until we could drop. Chris had arranged a free bar and it was one of those fabulous nights, which passed in a whirl of happiness. I didn’t want it to end.

  Meryl got completely slaughtered and switched back to her cockney accent of birth.

  ‘I’m pissed out of me brains!’ she trilled as she flew past as the head of a conga line. I don’t remember a lot about the reception, much of the wedding is a happy blur. I just remember being with Adam, seeing his face, holding him in the knowledge he’s not going to be snatched away from me.

  We emerged from the Rivoli early next morning as it was getting light. It was a perfect summer morning. Crisp and bright with dew on the grass. We spent a long time on the steps saying goodbye, before everyone dispersed happily into taxis and cars wishing us luck and happiness.

  We staggered home, me with my dress hitched up and bare feet. Rocco asleep in Adam’s arms. I have never enjoyed the walk home to my little flat as much as I did. When we got back in, we found on our pillow an envelope. Inside was a note from Ethel,

  Ello love. I supose now you really aint my daughter-in-law no more… I ope we get to stay friends, or should I say I ope we can be friends now!

  Anyhow, we ‘ad a little whip round, fer yer honeymoon. now iss not nothing huge, Rosencrantz and me found this lovely little cottage in Tuscany on the Internet, jus fer a week mind. Iss in the middle of nowhere but I think you mite like it.

  Rosencrantz ad the idea, said e’d seen a film called Under A Tuscan’s Son… Sounds a bit blue if you ask me, but e’s promised iss a very romantic location.

  Have fun you two, you deserve it

  Ethel x

  We’re just on our way to the airport now. A week ago I never imagined we would be together, let alone married and off on our honeymoon to Italy. Thank you for all your love and support Angie. See you in a week!

  Love Coco xxx

  Saturday 20th August 14.50

  TO: rosencrantzpinchard@gmail.com

  Hello love - we are just about to board the plane and I forgot to tell you that Rocco is going through a bit of a chewing phase.

  So if Chris comes over, make sure you put his Dolce and Gabbana shoes somewhere he can’t reach them (somewhere that Rocco can’t reach of course).

  Also Angie is in Los Angeles and she just phoned me terribly excited and breathless,

  ‘Jeez girl,’ she said. ‘Things ave gone ape shit here in Hollywood!’

  ‘What do you mean?’ I said.

  ‘I think I’m gonna sell the film rights for Chasing Diana Spencer and Agent Fergie!’ she said. ‘Two of the big studios suddenly got interested, and there’s gonna be an auction later this week! Also, now that Adam has been released, your publishing house is planning to publish Agent Fergie!’

  She’s told me to keep my phone on whilst I’m in Italy.

  See you in a week!

  Love - Mum xxx

  About The Author

  Robert Bryndza is a British born author and playwright. His work has been performed in London and at the Edinburgh International Festival. He spent a year and half in Los Angeles experiencing the craziness of Hollywood, working as a screenwriter. His experiences of Hollywood, both good and bad were the inspiration for his novel Lost In Crazytown (co-written with Jan Bryndza). He has published two other novels, The Not So Secret Emails Of Coco Pinchard which is an Amazon Top 100 bestseller, and its follow up, Coco Pinchard’s Big Fat Tipsy Wedding.

  Rob is currently writing the third and final instalment of Coco Pinchard's adventures. He lives in Slovakia with his partner Jan and two dogs Ricky and Lola.

  You can find out more about Rob at www.robertbryndza.com

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