The Lost Girl

by Liz Harris

  He nodded slowly. ‘That’s as may be. But they’ve never regretted their decision. Not for so much as one day in the past seventeen years. None of us have, and that’s also the truth.’

  She pushed her empty mug away from her. ‘You were only here for ten of those years, Joe, so you don’t know what it’s like in Carter now, with the whites hatin’ the Chinese like they do. I know you haven’t regretted takin’ me in, and I know your pa hasn’t.’

  ‘And nor has ma,’ he said quickly.

  ‘Maybe she has; maybe she hasn’t. Maybe regret is the wrong word. I believe she’s grown fond of me in her own way and I’m certain she’s never wished that she and your pa had left me to die—not at all. But at the same time, she’s real unhappy. She feels the whites’ meanness more than your pa. I’ve heard Sam tell your ma that the miners see your pa workin’ real hard, anxious to keep his job, and they leave him alone. Your ma reckons they look at his leg and figure he’s had his punishment. And he’s so tired all of the time he wouldn’t notice anythin’, anyway. But they turn away from your ma; no one talks to her now. Nope, I’m sure that whatever she now feels about me, she’s got some regret that you ever found me, and I don’t blame her. And Sam certainly has – he hates me.’

  Joe straightened up. ‘I’m sure you’re wrong about that. I know you’ve never been close to Sam, him bein’ much older and already down the mine at the time you were growin’ up, but that don’t mean he hates you.’

  ‘He does,’ she said bluntly. ‘Not me as a person – after all, he doesn’t know me – but he hates all the Chinese, and I’m Chinese. Like all the whites, he’s afear’d for his job. I’m not blind – I can see the miners workin’ harder each year and takin’ home less.’

  Joe sat back in his chair and stared at her. ‘Why, Charity; you just said somethin’ I’ve never heard you say before – you said, “I’m Chinese”.’ There was a tinge of sadness in the smile he gave her. ‘The little girl I knew always insisted she was American.’

  A slow smile spread across her face. ‘And I’ll always be American in my head, Joe, and in my heart, even though I’m gonna have to do some things the Chinese way in future. But to the whites, I’ll always be Chinese. Chen Fai made me see that. And not just see it, accept it.’

  ‘He’s been a good friend to you,’ Joe said. He paused. ‘But when I used to say you should have another friend apart from me, I was thinkin’ more about Su Lin than her brother,’ he added with a wry grin.

  She smiled. ‘You were right about Su Lin, and you were right about me needin’ a friend. I’ll always stay friends with Su Lin, even when she’s wed. They’re lookin’ for a husband for her now, but it’ll be someone in Carter so she’ll carry on livin’ here, which I’m pleased about. I’d miss her if she moved away. It might even be Ah Lee’s son. He used to work for Ah Lee’s brother in San Francisco, but he’s just moved to Carter to live with his folks.’

  He smiled. ‘Well, you’ve got two friends now that I’m back; three, if you count Chen Fai.’

  She laughed. ‘You’re right; I have. But you’ll be goin’ away again, and then it’ll be only two.’

  He looked at her in surprise. ‘What makes you say that? You heard Ma tell me at dinner that I’ll have Seth’s livery one day if I want it. And his house, too. Don’t you think I’d stay here if I had a business of my own?’

  She shook her head. ‘No, I don’t. For as long as I can remember, you’ve wanted to live somewhere else. You’ve always wanted wide open spaces and green fields, somewhere with clean air, where you can’t hear a mine pump.’

  ‘But I’d get to ride outside the town each day if I worked at the stable. Horses need regular exercise.’

  She stared at him, disbelief on her face. ‘Are you sayin’ you don’t think you’d get restless being tied to a business that keeps you in a town – a minin’ town at that, with dirt and coal-dust everywhere? Because I think you would. You’ll stay until Seth’s well enough to start runnin’ the stable again, and then you’ll leave.’

  ‘You might be right; I don’t know,’ he said, staring into his coffee. Then he looked across the table at her and smiled. ‘I don’t know about Su Lin, but there’s definitely gonna be at least one weddin’ in Carter from what I hear. Ma and Pa tell me you’re gettin’ married.’

  Her eyes widened in surprise. ‘I didn’t think you knew,’ she said, and she gave an embarrassed laugh.

  ‘You’re gonna wed Chen Fai, aren’t you?’

  She bit her lip. ‘I guess so.’

  He stared at her, frowning slightly. ‘Pa said you accepted his offer a few weeks ago. That’s right, isn’t it?’

  She nodded.

  ‘It’s what you want, isn’t it?’

  She nodded again. ‘Of course. He’s a good man.’ She stood up. ‘I should go to bed now. It’s late.’ She started to turn away.

  He rose quickly to his feet and moved to stand between her and the corridor.

  She stopped.

  Glancing up at him in sudden nervousness, at the strong planes of his face that was only inches away from hers, a sudden heat rose within her at the physical closeness of the man himself. This was no longer the laughing young Joe of her dreams, but a Joe made of flesh and blood; a Joe who was lean and beautiful, with eyes as deep blue as the summer sky; a Joe who carried the wildness of the open range with him, whose movements spoke of power and strength.

  Every muscle in her body tightened.

  She dragged her eyes from his face and stared down at the pine floorboards.

  ‘A good man, is he?’ she heard him say, his voice low. ‘Well, I guess that’s a reason to marry someone. But me, if I was about to get wed, I’d wanna be able to say somethin’ more than that she was a good woman. Is there anythin’ more you can say about him, Charity?’

  She looked back up into his face, and a shiver ran down her spine.

  ‘Good night, Joe,’ she said, and she took a step back. ‘I’m tired.’

  They stood for a moment, each gazing at the other. Then she turned away from him, took a kerosene lamp from the shelf on the wall, went to her bedroom and closed the door firmly behind her. Putting the lamp on the bedside table, she lay down on the bed in which Joe used to sleep, and stared at the ceiling, her eyes wide open.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  ‘So this is where you are!’ Sam’s voice reverberated throughout the livery.

  Joe looked up from the metal bit he’d been polishing, dropped the bit on to the pile of newly cleaned equipment on the ground next to his stool, and stood up. ‘Where else would I be?’ he asked, smiling broadly as he went across to the entrance to where Sam was standing, a dark silhouette framed by the bright morning light that fell through the open entrance.

  ‘Do I hug you, brother, or shake your hand?’ Joe asked, pulling off his leather gloves.

  Leaning slightly back, Sam put up his hands, his palms facing Joe. ‘We’ll take that as done.’

  Joe shrugged his shoulders and took a step back into the stable.

  ‘Ma wants to know if you’re eatin’ with them this evenin’. She didn’t know if you’d be through here in time. She can save the meal for you, but she hopes you’ll be there. And she wants me there, too. I sure can tell you’re back,’ he added, a note of malice creeping into his voice. ‘Pa tells me that Ma ain’t stopped smilin’ since you got home. I’ve been here for all the time you’ve bin gone, supportin’ them, but that don’t count.’

  ‘I’m sure that’s not true,’ Joe said with a smile. ‘But about tonight, I’m eatin’ with Seth and Eliza. I was gonna walk across and tell Ma. There’re things I’ve gotta talk about with Seth.’

  Sam nodded. ‘Yup; she thought you’d say that. And she said if you couldn’t be there tonight, what about tomorrow?’

  ‘Tomorrow would be good.’

  ‘I’ll tell her.’ Sam turned and started to walk away.

  ‘Hey, Sam,’ Joe called after him.

  Sam stopped where he was and
turned. ‘Yeah?’

  ‘Is that all you’ve gotta say after seven years – are you comin’ to dinner? There’s nothin’ else you wanna say?’

  Sam visibly thought for a moment. ‘Nope; I guess not.’

  ‘Not even to ask how it’s been with me? Or to tell me you’ve got a wife and a child? Ma tells me your boy’s name’s Thomas.’

  ‘Yup, Thomas it is. But as you already seem to know all there is to know, there’s nothin’ for me to add, except maybe that your Celestial’s gonna be wed. Oh, but I expect you know that, too.’ He came back towards Joe, feigned sorrow on his face. ‘It must be a real disappointment for you, brother, to come back home when she’s all grown up and ripe for the takin’, and find you’re not gonna be able to use her in the only way a China woman should be used by a white. But if it’s the thought of Celestials that keeps you awake at night, I’m sure you’ll find what you want at the tong. Or maybe Su Lin will open her legs for you – after all, she’s got yellow skin, too.’

  Joe’s fingers tightened into two fists.

  Sam glanced pointedly at Joe’s hands. ‘You wanna hit me, Joe?’ he said, and he laughed and held his arms open wide. ‘Go on, then. Marshal McGregor might have somethin’ to say about it, but at least you’ll know you behaved like a man and defended that Chinee’s honour. What’s more, I’ll stand stock-still so you won’t be able to miss. And I’ll even promise not to hit you back. Can’t say better than that.’

  Grinning at Joe, he moved closer and stood facing him, his arms hanging loosely at his sides.

  Shaking his head, Joe relaxed his fingers. ‘You’d like that, I’m sure. I’m real sorry to say this as I’d be happy to oblige, but I’m gonna hold off. I’m here to help Seth, and I can’t do that from jail. And there’s Ma and Pa to think of, too. They matter; you don’t.’ He took his gloves from the pockets of his jeans and put them back on. ‘The last seven years haven’t been good to you, Sam. I don’t recognise you any longer.’

  Turning away from his brother, he went across to his stool and bent to pick up the cleaning rag, the weight of Sam’s dislike pressing heavily against his back.

  Lying on the narrow bed in the room at the rear of the stable, his fingers locked behind his head, Joe listened to one of the horses kicking the wooden wall of its stall. A moment later another horse whinnied. He lay still, listening to them, waiting for them to settle before going across to have his dinner with Seth and Eliza.

  The way they were kicking and moving around, it was as if something had rattled them, he thought, but he might be wrong – he didn’t yet know their characters and habits. Once he’d spoken to Seth and learnt everything about those particular horses and their daily routine, he’d probably discover he’d disturbed them by doing things differently that evening from the way in which they were usually done.

  Another noise reached him, a noise that didn’t sound like a restless horse, and he felt a sudden sense of unease. Somewhere in the livery barn, something wooden scraped against the floorboards. He sat up fast, his eyes narrowing. That wasn’t a horse – that was a person!

  He swung himself off the bed, hurriedly pulled on his buckskin jacket, grabbed a kerosene lamp, opened the door and went out.

  ‘Stay where you are, Greg,’ he called to the stable lad as he passed his room, and he walked quickly along the narrow corridor, past the door to the tack room, past the horses’ stalls and out into the barn itself. Standing in the middle of it, he held up his lamp and moved it slowly around the room.

  A figure stepped out of the shadows to meet him.

  ‘Chen Fai!’ he exclaimed, lowering the lamp. ‘What in tarnation are you doin’ here?’

  Chen Fai put his hands together and gave a slight bow. ‘I come through door at side of stable.’

  ‘That might be how you got in here, but it sure isn’t why.’

  Chen Fai straightened up and slid his hands into the opposite sleeves of his tunic. ‘Charity tell me you return, Joe Walker. I come to welcome return of man who is good friend of Charity.’ He paused a moment, then gave another little bow. ‘Charity do this humble man great honour when she agree be wife.’

  Joe threw back his head and laughed. ‘Pull the other leg, Chen Fai! Ten or eleven years ago, the first time you came here, you were speakin’ the American lingo better than that. So you’re going backwards, are you, even though you’ve been talkin’ English with Charity for the best part of seven years?’ He laughed again. ‘I think not. And what’s more, I reckon you’re a long way from considerin’ yourself a humble man. But it was a mighty good performance, and I applaud you for it.’ He put the lamp on a stool and clapped his hands.

  Chen Fai smiled broadly. ‘You see through me, Joe Walker. I act as white people think a Chinaman should act. White people feel themselves better than the Chinaman if the Chinaman bows and is humble, and that makes white people feel very happy.’

  Joe looked at him in surprise. ‘But why d’you need me to feel happy?’

  Chen Fai looked at him in mock amazement. ‘Now you are putting on a performance. You must know it is very important to Charity that you are happy for me to take her as my wife. If you are not happy about this, whatever she already say, she will not agree to marry me.’

  Joe shrugged. ‘The way I see it, it’s up to Charity what she does. She’s known you for long enough to know what you’re like, and if she feels you’re the right man for her, then that’s good enough for me.’

  ‘Thank you, Joe Walker,’ Chen Fai said. ‘This is no act. You must allow me to show my gratitude in the Chinese way.’ He bowed low, then straightened up. ‘If the man who is like a brother to Charity is happy to see me wed her, then I am very pleased.’

  Joe held up his hand in protest. ‘Hey, stop there! You’ve got that wrong. Not the bit about me bein’ happy, but the like a brother thing. Charity’s never looked on me as a brother, just as I’ve never looked on her as a sister. She’s never been seen as a member of the family in any way at all. We’re her friends, and she’s ours. As her friend – and the friend who found her – I feel responsible for her. But it ends there.’

  Chen Fai looked at him in surprise. ‘I think my English is now not good enough to understand. I do not see the difference between being a responsible friend and being like a brother. Why does it matter if she thinks of you as a brother? A brother is also a friend, is he not?’

  Joe stared at him. ‘I don’t really know,’ he said slowly. ‘But they’re not the same.’

  ‘I think there is no difference,’ Chen Fai said steadily. ‘You are like her brother, Joe Walker – a brother who is also her friend. Not every brother is also a friend.’ He smiled at Joe – a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. ‘And I also shall think of you as my brother when Charity is my wife.’

  Their eyes met.

  Joe shrugged dismissively. ‘Think what you want. I’ve gotta go now; it’s late. I suggest you leave the way you came.’

  Giving him a slight nod, Chen Fai turned and made his way across the stable to the side door. A moment later, Joe heard the door close behind him. He picked up the lamp, went across to the door, took the key from the hook on the wall and locked the door. Then he returned the key to its place and went back along the hallway towards his room.

  When he reached the door to the stable lad’s room, he knocked, opened it and put his head inside. ‘It was someone to speak to me, Greg, but it wasn’t important. The horses seem to have settled now so I’m gettin’ off to Mr Culpepper’s. If you need me, come and get me. I’ve locked the side door so there shouldn’t be any more visitors. Goodnight.’

  As he went through the rear door and made his way across the yard, past the outhouse and the corral, he found himself thinking about his instinctive objection to being thought of as like a brother to Charity. It was a compliment more than anything else, so why was he so against being seen as such, he thought, and he shook his head in bewilderment.

  Standing outside the livery stable, Chen Fai heard t
he sound of the key locking the door behind him. Head down, he turned into Main Street and began walking down to the general mercantile store.

  The nebulous fear that had haunted him from the moment that Charity had told him they were asking Joe to return, that had kept him awake night after night since he’d heard her words and seen the look in her eyes, was still at his back. His visit to Joe Walker had done nothing to diminish it. If anything, it was stronger than ever.

  But his patience towards Charity over the past few years deserved to be rewarded, and the respect and consideration he’d shown her. So, too, the strong love he’d come to feel for her—a love that had grown so powerful that his body now ached for her, day and night.

  He could think of no greater happiness than being her husband. And nothing – and no one – must be allowed to come between him and the thing he wished for most of all.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  ‘So it’s just us again, with Ma and Pa gone to bed and Sam back at his place,’ Joe remarked. He leaned back and stretched his legs out under the table. ‘I thought Sam real quiet at dinner. I know I’ve only been back two days so I don’t really know what he’s like these days, but as I recall, he used to talk non-stop about the mines and what the guys had said and done. But not tonight. And not about much else, either – not even about his son. I hate sayin’ this, and I hate feelin’ this way, but I don’t seem to know him any more.’

  ‘I imagine goin’ down a mine year after year can do that to a person,’ Charity said, putting a mug of coffee in front of Joe and sitting down with her coffee at the other side of the table. ‘When you’re young, you think it’s gonna be one way. Years later, you find it’s very different. It must change a person.’

  He nodded slowly. ‘You could be right.’ He paused. ‘He didn’t speak to you at all, I couldn’t help noticin’.’

  Charity shrugged dismissively. ‘He’s a white miner; I’m Chinese. I understand that. But I’d rather talk about you, Joe; not Sam. I know what you told your folks, but how are you really findin’ it? You must have found many things different, and I can’t see how you can feel as settled as you say you do.’