The Lost Girl

by Liz Harris

  ‘I watch for Charity,’ she said eagerly.

  ‘And it also help you, Su Lin. If Charity leaves Carter Town, you lose your friend. I not want this to happen, and I will try to keep your friend in Carter.’

  She beamed up at him. ‘I will be very happy if that happen.’

  He nodded. ‘You are not needed in the store for a day or two. It is more important you find Charity and speak with her, and tell me what she say. You go now to honourable father and say you do work to help me.’ He smiled encouragement at her.

  She bowed to him once more, and went back into the shop.

  He watched her go, then turned away and stared again towards the stable.

  The smile left his face.

  No matter what he’d encouraged Su Lin to think, he and Charity would never marry now. Despite the fact that at some point in the past three years – he wasn’t sure when – the liking he’d originally felt for Charity had deepened into love, a love that had grown so strong that it hurt, and despite the fact that to his shame, he still loved her.

  But he could never marry her, not even if she begged him to take her back, something that might well happen one day.

  Because of American law, she could never wed Joe, and she’d never agree to become Joe’s unwed concubine. Not just because they were sure to be lynched by the whites if they ever found out about it, but because she’d never risk the same thing happening to her as had happened to her mother. Of that he was certain.

  So when Joe Walker got on his horse and rode away again – which one day that restless man would do – and she found herself alone once more, she might well decide that marriage to him was better than working as a servant for a white master, or finding another Chinaman to wed, and he could easily see her coming back to him, asking him to forgive her.

  But when that happened, even if he still loved her, he would not be able to take her for his wife. The shame of doing so would be too great.

  It was known throughout Carter Town that he’d walked with Charity for years, that presents had been offered and accepted, and that she’d agreed to be his wife. Soon it would be known by everyone that she had turned her back on him.

  A shudder ran through him at having lost face in so shameful, so humiliating a way.

  Chinamen would never again look at him with envy in their eyes as he walked down the street with the beautiful woman who had chosen him out of all the Chinamen in Carter to be the father of her son. Instead of envy, there’d be pity, and the contempt given to any Chinaman who’d lost face and thus brought shame on his parents and ancestors.

  To take her back after that would make him an object of even greater contempt, and heap still more shame upon his family. And this he could never allow to happen.

  No, he had lost Charity forever, and where once he’d been full of dreams of a life with her, there was now only a painful, aching void, a void that had been brought about by Joe Walker.

  Charity had changed towards him the day that man had returned.

  Others wouldn’t have noticed the change, but he’d seen it – it was in every word she’d said since then, in every look she’d given him, every movement she’d made when he was near. Before Joe had come back, she’d been content to be alone with him. And at times their arms had accidentally brushed as they’d walked together or worked side by side behind the counter, and there’d been no shudder of disgust from her.

  But from the moment of Joe Walker’s return, her thoughts had been on that man. Her promise to marry him had been swept away like dust, and his wishes trampled upon.

  He felt a sharp stab of self-pity. He had deserved better than that from her.

  He had allowed his sister to befriend her; he had made a friend of her himself; he had never been anything but kind to her, and he had offered her a future in which she would be loved and kept safe from the hostility of the whites.

  But still she had spurned him. And cruelly so. From the way she’d behaved, she’d shown him that the very thought of him as a man, of what they’d have to do to get a son, was so distasteful that she couldn’t go through with the wedding.

  Rage started simmering deep inside, spreading through him, gradually filling the void.

  He would get his revenge on Joe Walker if it was the last thing he did. And not just on Joe – Charity must suffer, too.

  A sob caught in his throat.

  She must suffer for failing to love him in the way he deserved to be loved after all the years in which he’d cared for her. And she must suffer, too, for being so disregarding of his standing in the Chinese community that she’d brought shame on him and made it impossible for him ever to take her back.

  He stood there trembling, unable to move, blinded by the sudden intensity of anger and hurt that blazed within him, and of overwhelming grief.

  Struggling to take control of himself, he took a few deep breaths. Giving way to his feelings would stop him from thinking clearly and sensibly. He needed a mind empty of emotion if he was to find a way of making them pay for the cruel hurt they’d inflicted on him. As they must do.

  Joe would get the punishment he deserved when the whites learnt that he wanted to lie beside Charity, a Chinese woman. When he, Chen Fai, found out how Joe planned to do this, for he was certain that this was Joe’s aim, he would make sure that the whites knew of Joe’s unlawful intentions. And he would find out. Su Lin would tell him.

  And Charity would pay, too. Oh, yes, she’d be made to pay.

  He could easily see her coming back to him, begging his forgiveness, promising to do anything he wished in order to show the purity of her remorse. And he could easily see himself leading her on, encouraging her to prove to him that he was mistaken in thinking she found his body repugnant, and in thinking she couldn’t bear to do what she’d have to do with him as his wife.

  He smiled grimly to himself. There’d be only one way in which she could demonstrate the sincerity of her words, and he’d make her take that way. He’d make her lie down and open her legs for him, and then he’d sate himself.

  He’d wanted this for so long, and so patiently, and he deserved it. He’d increasingly had to struggle to control himself as she’d grown into the desirable woman she’d become. So many times when they’d been alone, and he’d been thick and hard with want in his groin, he’d come close to begging her to lie beside him and so put an end to his painful ache, but he’d always managed to hold back. He’d respected her.

  But no more.

  Yes, he thought with quiet satisfaction; he’d sate himself, and then he’d walk away.

  Only then would he be able to think about finding another wife.

  Chapter Thirty-Six

  Winded from running at speed out of the town, across the bridge and up to the top of the snow-frosted rock, Charity was bending over, her hands on her hips, drawing her breath in jagged gasps when Joe drew close to her.

  He paused for a moment on the rock beneath hers, and watched as she gathered her breath, then straightened up and stared towards the plain, a slender figure in a dress the colour of ripe corn, her black braid lying over her shoulder, an air of deep misery engulfing her.

  Then he walked slowly up the last few steps, and took his place at her side, his gaze following the direction of hers.

  ‘It’s been a long time since we stood here together, just you and me,’ he said. ‘And you were a mite bit smaller then,’ he added, the trace of a smile in his voice.

  Her eyes fixed ahead of her, she didn’t speak.

  ‘But why come up here?’ he asked, glancing sideways at her. ‘Why not go to the river? That’s where you always used to go when you wanted to think. You’d crouch down at the water’s edge, shut your eyes, screw your face up tight and think real hard.’ He smiled at her. ‘So hard I could almost hear the thoughts movin’ around in your head.’

  ‘Life was easy then,’ she said flatly. ‘It’s gotten more difficult now. Just shuttin’ my eyes doesn’t work any longer.’

  He waited
, but she didn’t add anything.

  ‘I know there’s a problem—’ he began.

  ‘You are the problem, Joe,’ she said quietly, and she turned to him, her face stained with tears. ‘It’s you.’

  He frowned. ‘I don’t understand.’

  ‘It’s real easy to explain.’ Her voice caught. ‘I was okay with Chen Fai when we were walkin’ out, and I was sort of okay when he asked me to wed him. I did hesitate a moment when he asked me – it was like I could hear you whisperin’ to me from afar – but the whisperin’ died away and I said yes. Marryin’ Chen Fai was the obvious future for me. And then you came back, and nothin’ was okay any more.’

  He gestured helplessly. ‘Tell me what I can do.’

  She shook her head. ‘There’s nothin’,’ she said. ‘I let him see today that I didn’t feel about him as a wife should her husband. If I’d been brought up a real Chinese girl, I’d know that didn’t matter – the most important thing would be to do my duty. My duty as a wife would be to try hard to give my husband a son, and my feelin’s about what we were gonna have to do to get that son would come way behind. But I was brought up American.’

  He stared at her in surprise. ‘But you must have thought about that side of things in all the time you’ve been friendly with the man. You’ve been walkin’ out with him for years, and you must’ve known he intended to offer for you. At some point since you’ve gotten to be a woman, you must’ve thought about what you’d have to do, as you put it, to get a son with him.’

  ‘You’re right, I did. And when Su Lin and I used to talk about getting wed and havin’ a husband, I didn’t think I’d have any problem being a wife to Chen Fai. He’s a good man, and he’s a good son and brother; I’ve seen this for myself. He’s clean in his ways and he’s got a pleasin’ face. Also, he’s smart. You can see that from the way he runs the business. And in a way, I do love him – but as a friend, and not in the way a wife should. I didn’t think about bein’ with him at night, what I’d have to do …’ She shuddered. ‘Though even if I had, I still may not have felt about it as I do now.’

  He stared at her, mystified. ‘I don’t understand.’

  ‘I didn’t know what I wasn’t feelin’, what I should’ve been feelin’. I didn’t know what it was like to want someone so bad that it hurt. I learnt that by feelin’ the way I do about you. Since you came back, I’ve not been able to bear the thought of touchin’ his body, or him touchin’ mine.’

  ‘Oh, Charity,’ he said, and he caught her hand.

  She pulled her hand away. ‘So I’m leavin’,’ she said.

  ‘Leavin’!’ He grabbed her hand again. ‘You can’t leave. I won’t let you. I love you.’

  His words echoed around the rocks and returned to them.

  She gave him a sad smile. ‘But there’s no future for us together; not as man and wife.’

  He shook his head in desperation. ‘Don’t say that. Out there on the plain that mornin’, we admitted we loved each other. From the moment I saw you again, I’ve not been able to think of anythin’ else but you. We’re never gonna be apart again.’

  ‘Oh, Joe,’ she breathed wistfully. ‘How I wish that was true. But it’s not; it’s impossible.’

  He cupped her face in his hands and stared into her eyes, his breath hot against her cold face. ‘Nothin’s impossible; not when you love someone as I love you. I’ve always loved you. I loved you as a child who was real nice to be with. When I grew up and left home, I loved you as a friend who made sure I always felt part of my family; and now that I’m back, I love you as a man loves a woman. I’ve met many women in the past seven years, and I won’t lie to you, I’ve been with some of them, but no one has ever made me feel the way you make me feel when I look at you, and I’m not leavin’ you again.’

  She stared up at him, her eyes open wide, questioning. ‘But you have to. Whatever I feel inside, to the rest of the world I’m Chinese. There’s no future for us together.’

  ‘We’re gonna have the future we want,’ he said.

  She took a step back. ‘I don’t understand.’

  ‘We’re gonna get wed, and we’re gonna have a home and a family.’

  ‘But we can’t,’ she said, her eyes filling with tears. ‘Someone else will have to give you that family.’

  ‘It’s you I’m gonna marry,’ he said firmly, and he put his arms around her and drew her close. ‘At least, I’m hopin’ you’ll agree to be my wife.’

  ‘No, Joe.’ She raised her head and looked up into his face, her eyes full of longing. ‘I love you with all my heart, and you know that. But like I said, I won’t be part of anythin’ that might end up with you bein’ thrown into jail or killed.’

  He tightened his arms around her.

  ‘Your ma wants me gone from Carter,’ she said, sinking against his chest, her voice muffled by his jacket, ‘and she’s right. She and your pa will do better without me. And I’ve broken my promise to Chen Fai, which will be seen as very bad by the Chinese. I’ll never again get work in Carter so I’m gonna go to Green River and find a job.’

  He put a hand on each of her arms and held her from him at arms’ length. ‘You’re right about leavin’ Carter,’ he said quietly and firmly. ‘But you’ll be leavin’ as my wife.’

  ‘How?’ Her question trembled with hope.

  ‘For the last few days, I’ve been thinkin’ about what we can do, and I reckon I’ve worked it out now.’ He turned her gently to face the dusty white plain that lay to the left of the town. ‘There’s a whole other world out there,’ he said, putting one arm round her shoulders and pointing with the other to the empty expanse ahead of them. ‘Somewhere out there, we’ll find a place to live, a place with real good ranchin’ land.’

  She glanced at him in surprise. ‘But you like being a cowboy and travellin’ around.’

  ‘Yup, I did. It was a great life for the years I did it, and I learnt a heap of things that’ll be of use. But even before I came back to Carter, I knew I’d gotten drovin’ out of my system and I was ready to stake me a homestead and start buildin’ up a ranch.’

  ‘A homestead,’ she echoed.

  He pulled her to him as they stared towards the plain. ‘That’s right. Just think of it,’ he said, his words falling over themselves in his enthusiasm. ‘A hundred and sixty acres of our own! We’ll head for one of the towns growin’ up in the north of Wyoming, far away from the railroad and far away from minin’ towns full of hate. Everyone’s buildin’ a new life in a town like that, and no one cares about laws they probably don’t even know exist.’

  She felt excitement start to build up inside her. ‘D’you really think it’s possible?’

  ‘I reckon it is,’ he told her, his eyes shining. ‘And I’m certain my trail partner, Ethan, will join us when we’ve got the claim and he’ll help us build it up. I know he’d like that a lot, and I know you’d like him. Ethan’s someone to ride the river with – you couldn’t have a better man at your side.’

  ‘But what about the livery stable?’ she asked, her face suddenly anxious. ‘You’ll be lettin’ Mr Culpepper down.’

  ‘The stable’s not a problem. Greg’s a good lad and I’ve been teachin’ him what he needs to know about horses. I’ve set a routine for the stable, and he’ll be able to carry on with it quite easily. Seth will know that. I’ve already ordered all the supplies they’ll need till the fall, and by then, Seth will be able to take over. The stable will be fine, and so will Seth.’

  ‘But you could have had it for yourself one day.’

  ‘But I couldn’t have had you, too, and I’d rather have you.’

  She thought for a moment. ‘Even if we settle miles away in a place where folk don’t know we’re breakin’ the law by bein’ together, we still won’t be able to get wed.’

  ‘I think we will – in a way.’ He glanced up at the sky. ‘It’s like I can feel the touch of your ma’s eyes on me, willin’ me to find a way to do the right thing by you.’ He looked back dow
n at her, and a broad smile spread across his face. ‘And I think I’ve come up with an idea. It involves the Chinese priest. The law that’s stoppin’ us from gettin’ wed is an American law, and it’s a law that’s hurtin’ all the Chinese. I reckon there’s many a Chinaman who’d choose to live with a woman rather than live alone, if they could, even if the woman was white.’

  She nodded. ‘I’m sure you’re right. I don’t think they’d gamble as much, or use opium like they do, if they had a woman to go home to. I know they use the tong women, but for most of them that’s because there isn’t a choice.’

  ‘And the law that’s stoppin’ them from goin’ to China and bringin’ their wives back here is an American law, and I reckon both of those laws stick in their craw. Just think of Chen Fai and the bride he was gonna have. No, there’s not much love for the whites in the Chinese community, just as there isn’t the other way round, and I’m thinkin’ the priest might help us.’

  ‘How do you mean?’

  He took a deep breath. ‘First of all, he owes me a favour as I stopped him from bein’ lynched, and I reckon he’ll want to clear the debt. Secondly, I can see him being persuaded to think himself outside American law when it comes to what the Chinese do among themselves, and you’re one of his people. I think he might agree to marry us. If he married us, we’d have a sort of certificate, and we’d have a marriage recognised by one of our communities. It’s just that it won’t be a marriage in the eyes of American law. But married by the priest, you’d be as close to a lawful wife as can be. If you agree.’

  He looked anxiously at her.

  She bit her lip, thinking about his words. ‘I do,’ she said slowly, and her face broke into a radiant smile. ‘Oh, Joe; yes; I do,’ And she threw up her arms up to the sky and shouted, ‘I do, I do, I do.’