“Lindsey, there are things your mom and I have to figure out for ourselves. These decisions take time. But this is still your home. You can come here whenever you want.”
“So you could decide to stay together.” Looking from him to her mom, she smiled, then frowned. “Or you could decide to not stay together.”
“Right, those are our choices.” It sounded harsh even to him, but she needed to know the truth.
Not the whole truth, he thought. Not the part where he wondered if his wife wanted to be married to him. She’d come home for Lindsey’s sake, not for a reunion with her husband.
“Okay.”
That was it. Okay. She got up and walked to the kitchen. Jana smiled at him and followed their daughter. He wanted to give Lindsey everything. But he couldn’t make promises that they might not be able to keep. He and Jana would make sure she had two parents in her life, loving her. He could promise Lindsey they would be together.
* * *
Two days later, Jana decided it was time to pack their meager belongings and leave. Blake had been around but he had remained distant. That wasn’t what she wanted. She had thought they could work on deciding what they wanted from this marriage they still found themselves in.
Instead Blake withdrew. Not from Lindsey, but from her. That wasn’t what Jana wanted.
She wanted Blake Cooper as her husband.
All of the things she’d run from, thinking they would suffocate her, were now the things she wanted most in her life...and the things that were the furthest from her grasp.
As she packed, she thought about leaving their home a second time. The last time it had been an escape. This time? She was giving Blake back his home. She was giving him space and time.
Lindsey wasn’t happy. Jana liked to think that someday her daughter would understand, but she didn’t know if Lindsey would. To Lindsey, there were simple black-and-white choices in life, and she couldn’t understand a decision like this one.
Lindsey walked in and sat down on the bedroom floor. “Do we have to do this?”
Jana folded clothes and put them in her suitcase. “Yes.”
“For how long?”
How long would she wait? She’d been asking herself that question for a while and she knew the answer. She would wait as long as it took. She didn’t want anyone else. She only wanted Blake Cooper.
“Mom?”
She looked up, smiling at her daughter. “I’m not sure how long, Linds. Your dad and I need to know what we feel for each other. We don’t want to make a mistake and have you hurt again.”
“Yeah, I get that.”
“I know this is hard, but you’ll see. Things will work out. We’ve always managed, haven’t we?”
“Yeah, but I just thought...” Lindsey looked away. She brushed at her cheeks and sniffled. “I thought God would answer my prayers.”
Jana let out a breath. She didn’t want this for her daughter, this doubt, this pain. “Honey, God hears you. I don’t think the problem is God’s ability to answer prayers. It’s our ability to hear His answers.”
“Yeah, well, get your hearing checked.” Lindsey drew her knees up to her chest and hugged them tight, resting her head there the way she’d done when she was little and upset. Or not getting her way.
“We’ll try, Lindsey. But no matter what, we’ll be fine. Your dad is here and I’m here.”
Jana hadn’t expected those words to hurt, but they did. She kept thinking of that call from the lawyer, knowing that Blake had called them about the divorce before talking it over with her. And it hurt.
It hurt worse than coming home and wondering what would happen when she reappeared in his life.
Lindsey looked up. “What about Sam?”
“He’s a farm dog—he can’t come with us.”
Lindsey’s head sank again. “I have my bags packed,” she mumbled into her knees.
Jana moved to her daughter’s side and wrapped her in a hug. “I’m listening to God, Lindsey. I know that doesn’t make sense because it hurts, but I am listening. Your dad needs his home back. He needs time and space to decide what he wants.”
Lindsey shook her head and looked up. “You don’t get to decide if you want your kid.”
“I didn’t mean he’s deciding if he wants you. Of course he wants you. He loves you.”
Lindsey’s face scrunched in thought. “Are you saying you think he doesn’t want you? That’s crazy, Mom. He loves you.”
“Maybe he does, but maybe he hasn’t figured it out yet.”
“Because he’s been mad at you a long time?”
“Yeah.”
Jana leaned back against her bed, pulling Lindsey with her. The two of them sat there a long time with Jana wishing she didn’t have to pack. She kept waiting, hoping she would hear Blake pull up. She kept praying he would rush in and tell them not to go.
Today was the day Blake’s lawyer had confirmed that they had an afternoon appointment to discuss the divorce.
She couldn’t spend her life waiting for Blake, wondering if each day would be the day he showed up to tell them their marriage was over.
Chapter Fifteen
Blake walked into an empty house. No hint of rose perfume in the air, no music played from the kitchen, no youth-size boots at the front door. No Lindsey running to greet him. And no Jana smiling to welcome him back. He had never wanted to replay that moment when they’d disappeared, leaving him with an empty home and a shell of a life for ten years.
The last time Jana left, Lindsey had been two. Now she was almost thirteen. Her birthday was less than a week away. They had plans for a slumber party and a wagon ride around Cooper Creek. Lindsey’s cousins and a few friends from church would be there.
Once again he was starting over alone. Because Jana thought he needed his house and his life back. He threw his hat on the couch and stomped through the living room. The basic need to throw something overtook him, but there wasn’t anything within reach to throw and nothing he really wanted to break.
When he got to the kitchen he stopped short. There was a note on the counter. He picked it up, shaken by the memory of finding that note years ago, the one that told him he no longer had a wife and daughter.
This time the note was from Lindsey.
He sat down at the island and held it in his hands, wishing he could hold on to that old stereotype that men don’t cry. Because when men are confronted with a note from their daughter in an empty house, an empty life, they cry.
Daddy, I love you and I’m so glad you’ll always be a part of me. For real, because I have your kidney. No matter where we go or what happens, you’ll always be with me. But we’re not gone, we’re just in Dawson and I want to come out and stay with you. So please, forgive my mom. She loves you.
It wasn’t possible to rip a person’s heart out, not literally, but that letter nearly did him in. He sat there for a long time, until late-afternoon shadows drifted across the kitchen. Outside, the dog barked and then scratched at the door. He didn’t get up.
They had moved to town three days ago. It had taken him this long to walk back in the house. He didn’t want this life back. He didn’t want this empty house.
Jana didn’t get that. She’d told him she needed to figure out what her life in Dawson would be. Because she couldn’t live in his home in some kind of crazy holding pattern, wondering what would happen between the two of them.
His feelings were like a ball of string that someone had wadded up. He was unraveling, trying to figure out what he felt.
Someone banged on the front door. He didn’t answer it. A few minutes later he heard heavy footsteps in the living room. Jackson shouted his name, asking where he was hiding. Blake folded the note and shoved it in his pocket.
“I’m in here.”
Jackson walked through the door, shaking his head the way he did when he thought something was ridiculous. “Sitting in the dark feeling sorry for yourself? That isn’t the way I’ve always pictured my older brother. Is that what you’ve done in this house all these years?”
“No, it isn’t. And I’ve got work to do.”
“Yeah, you have work to do.” Jackson walked into the kitchen and helped himself to the coffeemaker, filling the water reservoir and pushing the power button. “The least you could do is offer a man a cup of coffee that isn’t girlie.”
Jackson sifted through the pods in the rack next to the coffeemaker. “Hazelnut? French vanilla? Do you have any normal coffee? It’s almost like a woman has been living here.”
Jackson grinned as he pushed his hat back and gave Blake a long look.
“What are you doing here?”
“Checking on you. It would seem people are a little worried.”
“There’s no reason to be worried.”
Jackson snorted. “Of course not. So where’s some good, strong, rip-your-insides-out-and-keep-you-up-all-night kind of coffee?”
“I think in the cabinet.”
“That’s what happens when you have a wife. They put away all the man stuff and replace it with girl stuff.”
“I don’t have a wife.”
“Actually, you do. That’s what I’m here to talk about. You have a wife and a daughter. And your stubborn hide, after ten years of searching, let them walk back out of your life.”
“It isn’t crazy from where I’m sitting. Jana...”
“Yeah, whatever.” Jackson brewed himself a cup of coffee and stood in the kitchen drinking it. “I have a trailer full of cattle in my truck that I need to get home.”
“You bought more?”
“Good heifers. A farmer in Missouri was selling out, turning his farm into a subdivision.” Jackson shook his head.
“Do you need help unloading them?”
Jackson crossed his arms over his chest. “Yeah, because I can’t unload cattle.”
“I know you can.”
“Come with me, then. Madeline put a roast on this morning. There will be plenty for you, since you don’t have anyone here to eat with.”
Blake had started to stand but changed his mind. “I’ve had about all of your brotherly support I can handle for one day.”
Jackson laughed as he pounded Blake on the back and walked out of the kitchen. “Suit yourself.”
He waited until he heard Jackson’s truck and the creaking of the stock trailer as it went down the drive and then he got up and headed for the front door. He had animals to feed and a dog that needed attention. Sam was waiting for him at the front door.
Blake ruffled his hand through the dog’s fur. “It’s just you and me, Sam.”
The dog trotted off ahead of him in search of a stick.
Blake was in the field watching a cow that looked like she might drop her calf anytime. The last time she’d calved he had to pull the calf. He was hoping this time wouldn’t be a repeat. His phone buzzed in his pocket, and he pulled it out to answer it.
“Jana.”
“Blake, is Lindsey out there?”
The question brought his heart to a stop. He walked away, forgetting the cow, forgetting everything.
“No, she isn’t. Why?”
“She went for a walk and didn’t come back. It’s been over an hour. I’ve driven around town and can’t find her anywhere.”
“I’ll check the house and then I’ll head that way.”
“Blake, I’m scared.”
He started to tell her not to be, but since his insides were shaking, he couldn’t. “Yeah, me, too.”
A minute later he was in his truck, Sam in the seat next to him. The dog had insisted. Funny how animals could do that; they just seemed to know when something was wrong with their people.
Where could Lindsey be? Blake tried to think the way a twelve-year-old would think. What would make her take off? And had she taken off? What if someone...
He shook his head, not wanting to let his mind dwell on that thought. As he drove, he called Slade. His brother-in-law was a police officer and would get this search moving in the right direction.
When Slade answered, Blake broke right in to the conversation. “We can’t find Lindsey. Or Jana can’t find her. She went for a walk.”
“I know. Jana called. I put it out on the radio and we have everyone looking—local, county and state. We’ll find her.”
“Thank you. I’m on my way to town right now.”
“Did you check to make sure she wasn’t at your place?”
Blake glanced in his rearview mirror; the house was out of sight. “I was just there.”
“Go get Jana and then make another check of your place. We don’t want to search the whole countryside and then find her sitting in her bedroom at your place.”
“Good point.”
Get Jana. He realized that as soon as she called, his natural reaction had been to get to her side. He’d done that years ago when she’d gone into labor. He’d done it when Lindsey cut her finger when she was a toddler. Get to Jana, make her world right.
It didn’t bother him, life repeating itself. He pulled his truck into the driveway of Mia’s old house. Jana came out the front door, tears streaming down her cheeks. He got out and waited for her, knowing. She would need him.
She fell into his arms, holding on for what felt like dear life. He held her, promising they would find their daughter.
They had to find her. The idea of not finding her became a white-hot pain in his chest, taking hold of his brain, making him forget what they needed to do. He had to get control, at least of himself.
“Did she say anything at all? Anything that would give a hint to what she was thinking? How was she acting?”
Jana shook her head against his chest. “I don’t know.”
“Jana, you have to get it together and help me.”
She pulled back, wiping her eyes. “I know.”
“Okay.”
She took a deep breath, closing her eyes as a few more tears trickled down her cheeks. “What if someone took her?”
“We’ll find her.”
“It’s my fault. I thought we needed to give you space and let you have your place back. I didn’t realize how much it would hurt her. I always mess up and hurt the people I love.”
“Jana, not now. Let’s concentrate on Lindsey. Did she say anything at all?”
Jana shook her head. “Not really. She grabbed her music and went out the door. She said she needed to get fresh air.”
“Then we’ll find her. She’s being a typical, upset teenager. She’s hiding somewhere, being mad at us.” A little bit of calm returned as he put the pieces together.
They would find their daughter. And when they did, they had to sit down and discuss their lives, because he couldn’t keep Jana and Lindsey in turmoil, in limbo.
It was time to untangle their lives and see what they had left.
* * *
Jana climbed in the truck, thankful for a place to sit down. Her legs trembled and she hugged herself tight. Sam the dog moved against her, his face close to hers. Blake told him to lie down and he did, with his head on her lap.
“She isn’t a typical teenager, Blake. I know that’s what she wants to be, but she isn’t. She didn’t take her medication with her. What if something happens and she gets hurt?”
Blake pulled the truck onto the road and shot her a look that told her to stop. It was a pretty obvious look, she thought.
“Jana, you have to stop making her feel different. We all know she has challenges. We know her life isn’t typical. But she is a typical teenager, and you have to let her be one, as much as you po
ssibly can.”
“You’re saying I made her run?”
He smiled an easy smile. “I’m not saying you made her run. Our situation made her take off. That’s the typical teen part. You have to accept that even with her health issues, she’s still an almost-thirteen-year-old girl.”
“Right, of course.” Her hands shook. She clasped them together and watched out the window. Blake touched her arm, and she reached, letting him take her hand.
“She’ll be fine.” His assurance slipped over her like calming waters. Peace. She’d been praying since she realized Lindsey hadn’t come back from her walk.
“I know. But where is she?”
“She’s somewhere close. She gets tired easily. She’ll be somewhere close.”
Jana watched him, knowing that he was thinking. He was being the analytical Blake, the man who took things apart and studied each individual piece. He’d probably done that with their relationship, too.
It wasn’t long before they were pulling up to Blake’s house. Her house, too. She kept thinking of it as Blake’s, but her heart was in this house. She loved it. She felt more at home there than anywhere else.
“We’ll check the barn and the animals first. She loves being out here with the animals.” Blake stopped the truck. “I’ll check the equipment shed and around the yard.
Jana jumped down from the truck, the dog following, and headed for the barn. She went stall to stall, looking inside each one. She looked in the tack room. She walked through the back door of the barn into the field where cattle grazed. Next, she walked to the small paddock where he kept the pony, because the grass was green and he worried the smaller animal would eat too much and founder. The pony raised his shaggy head but went back to munching grass.
“Lindsey?” She cupped her hands to her mouth and called out, wanting a response, hoping for one and knowing deep down that she wouldn’t get one.
As she walked toward the house, she tried Lindsey’s phone again. No reply. Of course she didn’t answer. If she was hiding or had run away, she obviously didn’t want to be found.
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