Sander's Courage
Page 22
hundred kroner from her stack of bills. "That will do it.
Thank you. If you're all packed, let's go," I told her.
Jannik ran upstairs and brought her bag down to
the living room. He gave her a courtly bow and said,
"Thank you miss, for the discussion. It very much is
interesting to hear these things. Have you good travels on
the big ship, okay?"
She nodded, and headed for the door. The last
thing I said to her for the rest of the way was that she had
to excuse Jannik for his bold opinions. After all, I told her,
he'd been kidnapped once by religious zealots of another
faith, and they had their own stories of God's vengeance
and ire to tell him.
She wasn't moved by that at all.
We arrived at the dock without any further
incident. I let her out, took her bag from the back, and gave
it to her. I got back in the car as quickly as I could and left
her in my rearview mirror.
The last thing I did was to open all the windows
and release the funeral home stench, and once they were
back up, I sprayed the car with a blast of Johnnie's Polo
cologne.
Turning onto the motorway I felt that I couldn't get
home to Johnnie, my family, and even stupid old Torben
fast enough.
I prayed to Jesus that I'd never have to see that
insipid woman again for the rest of my life. We'll see how
that works out. Amen.
Chapter 31
ander and I barely had time to look up during those
weeks leading up to our wedding. But it was fun.
S Thankfully, Mama and Ingrid did most of the
slogging so all Pokey and I had to do was to show up on
time wherever they told us to.
The tuxedos were awesome. The rings were alike
and sparkled without being obnoxious. We tasted the
reception food, looked at flowers, and went to the Town
Hall to file the marriage license.
Ingrid and Jannik worked the guest list, and we
knew how much they loved us when we were surprised
by some very special people who arrived to share our joy.
The biggest surprise, however, came when we
entered the room to walk the aisle.
We were expecting a friend of ours who was a clerk
for the judge that had so many run-ins with Uncle Ole over
the years. We thought he would officiate our wedding.
Well, I say 'we'. Actually, Pokey knew who would be
waiting for us at the end of the aisle, because he was the
one who had arranged it.
"I can't believe it," I whispered to him as we
made our way past our friends and family. "You didn't!"
"I did."
"You're fucking amazing. Do you know that?" I
said. "How'd you do it?" He just smiled.
I couldn't believe that Reverend Dahlström, the
pastor we had met on the train to Malmö during my first
assignment, stood right in front of us in full regalia,
smiling, ready to bid Sander and me a lifetime of love,
honor, and respect. He was the figurative glue to the
melding of our souls. That's when the tears welled up in
my eyes.
"I told you that the world has some very nice
people who aren't afraid of who we love. I thought he was
a good choice," Sander told me under his breath. Dang!
was my reply, and he smiled.
"Hello, young men," Dahlström began. "This is a
wonderful day, for not only are we witnessing the start of
two lives joining as one, but we do this on the penultimate
day of our Lord, Christmas day. This day celebrates the
birth of Christ; but, today we also celebrate the birth of the
union of two fine boys who love each other, and are
committing their love to a life together."
Our hearts were bursting with joy. This was
it. This was the moment that I couldn't have dreamed of on
that January evening when, at a party, I first caught sight
of the boy who spilled the orange soda on himself. It
seemed so long ago.
"We celebrate the joy and love that Sander Lars
Hansen, and Johnnie Paul Allen feel for one another. And
they wish to share and express that joy through their vows
to one another. Sander, Johnnie, may we hear your vows?"
Dahlström asked.
We nodded, and looked at the roomful of friends.
As we did, Sander gasped and I was worried that
something was wrong. But it was the first time he knew
that Anders, the boy he'd first felt romantic love for, had
come to our wedding. That was Ingrid's doing. And he
was overjoyed that he would be able to greet and hug his
old friend once again. Then it was time.
"Johnnie, you are my hero, you are my heart, you
are my love. I have loved you since the day we first met,
and I will love you forever. You are kind, thoughtful,
caring, and... very handsome!" The crowd chuckled at that
comment.
"Johnnie, I will ask you something. If you love me,
will you be with me forever? If you love me, will you hold
me when I'm frightened, and laugh when I am happy? If
you love me, will you share my life with me from now
until forever? Johnnie, will you marry me?"
"I will, Sander. I do, and I love you more than
anything," I promised him. Reverend Dahlström nodded at
me. It was my turn now.
"Three little words are my whole world. Three little
words tell my story; they are my soul and everything that
makes me who I am. Three little words represent my life:
Sander. Lars. Hansen. Sweet Sander, my love, will you
marry me today? Will you share with me, shoulder to
shoulder, all that life brings to us? Will you let me be there
for you always, while you forever stay with me? And
Sander, will you love me at least half as much as I love
you? Because if you do, I will be the happiest man in the
world."
Sander smiled at me, looking deep into my eyes,
and in his understated but dynamic way ended it with one
word: "Yes."
Dahlström took over from there. "Sander, will you
take the ring from Johnnie's left hand, and place it on his
right, signifying your endless devotion to him?"
Sander removed and replaced my ring.
"And Johnnie, will you take the ring from Sander's
left hand and place it on his right? Again, signifying your
endless devotion to him?"
And I did.
"Then through the power afforded me by Her
Majesty, Queen Margrethe the Second, and the highest
courts in the Kingdom of Denmark, and through His
Excellency, the Bishop of the Danish Lutheran Church, I
now pronounce you married. May your life be as joyous as
on this day. You may now show your affection to one
another in the presence of your friends and family," he
declared.
And Sander and I laid the kiss of all kisses
on one another, as the room erupted in whistles, applause,
and happy laughter.
"Ladies, gentlemen, and children, may I be the first
to introduce Sander and Johnnie Hansen-All
en!"
We walked back down the aisle where Jannik met
us and led us to our table. Music kicked in right away, and
soon our friends and Sander's—now mine as well—family
lined up for the wonderful food and constantly flowing
drinks.
"Well, you guys did it now! No take-backs!" Jannik
beamed. "Now you're one of us, sucker!" Jannik teased me.
"And there's nothing you can do about it now! Ha!"
"You all worked so hard on this for us! I can't
believe it!" Sander told his brother. "And all the people!
Wow! This must cost Mama and Pop a fortune," Sander
said.
He had taken my hand when we walked to our
table, and he hadn't let it go. I was breathlessly in love
with him—again! If I had to count all of the times I'd fallen
in love with him all over and over again, I couldn't do it.
End of story. But today was special.
Mama and Pop approached our table. "What a
wonderful day! Are you boys happy?" she asked.
"Are you kidding? This is the happiest day of my
life," Sander told Mama. I added that it felt like a dream.
"Well let's hope you never wake up, then. Right
Pop?" she said. He smiled, nodded, and offered his
friendly handshake.
"Welcome to Family Hansen, Johnnie. I will send
you a sympathy card," he joked. "Thanks for making an
honest man of my son!"
We all had a big laugh, and then I noticed a tall,
handsome blond guy standing in my eyeline. He walked
tentatively toward our table, and before he got to us,
Sander stood and greeted him with a warm hug.
"Oh! It is so good to see you! It's been so long, and I
don't know why!" Sander said to the guy. "Come be with
us for a bit. Come on!" he said, leading the blond guy over.
"Johnnie, this is my oldest friend I've had. We met
when we were three years. Anders, this is Johnnie, my
man. And Johnnie, this is Anders Nielsen," Sander said, a
tinge of pride in his voice, as if he was showing me off.
Anders offered his hand and a big smile, and as I
shook hands with him he told me to treat Sander right,
"Because I loved him first. Congratulations, Johnnie. That's
one hell of a mate you have there!"
"Boy, don't I know it," I said. "I've heard some very
nice things about you, too, Anders. I'm glad to finally meet
you."
"I couldn't believe it when Ingrid called me. And I
told her I wouldn't miss it for anything. I live on Bornholm
now, and Ernst, my stepdad, has a bunch of fishing boats
and I help him manage them," he told us. "And we'd love
it if you'd come there to see us sometime." he added.
"That sounds great, Anders. I think we'd love that,"
Sander said.
The evening brought dancing, toasts, lots of
catching up conversation, and the kinds of warm feelings
that make the good memories that we revisit on long
winter nights in front of a crackling fireplace. This special
night would stay with Sander and me always.
"Hey, good lookin'!" she said, coming from
behind me. I knew that voice anywhere.
"Marge!!!" I cried. "I'm so happy you're here!" She
glanced over at Sander and asked if he was keeping me in
line.
"Impossible," he said, deadpan. "You know what
he's like."
"Fellas, I'd like to introduce you to my date. Guys,
this is Carolina; Carolina, these are The Guys," Marge
chuckled. "And don't get too close to them or they'll steal
your damn heart. And you won't know what hit ya."
Carolina, we learned, was a contract worker for the
U.S. Embassy and that's where she met Marge. I knew she
had to be something special, because since the death of her
partner, Marge never dated anyone. So it must mean that
Carolina is an exceptional person. I know how on-the-
mark Marge's judge of character is—me excepted, of
course—and for her to allow Carolina into her world
spoke volumes.
"You think you two might have a dance with us
sexy dames a little later?" Marge asked.
"You know the answer to that!" I told her. "Get
ready to cut a rug—and later you can eat one!"
The evening went on in that vein, and it was all a
joyful blur.
WHAT A DAY IT'S BEEN. After what I did to Sander, I
would never have imagined that I could be here. But I am.
I'm his guest.
Is this what it could have been like for me—for us?
I know if I had been honest with myself, and if I would
have realized that the greatest love I'd ever known was
mine for the having, I might not have been such an idiot.
I'm watching his happiness; I see how he is with
Johnnie, and how much they care for one another. The
words they wrote for their vows should be said at every
wedding in the world. I sit here thinking I should be angry
with jealousy, but I'm not. Not in the least.
I know what's going to happen to me. I can feel it
coming on me a little more each day. I feel bloated, full of
water. I'm so tired. I wonder if anyone here—especially
Sander and Johnnie—will ever think about me once I'm
gone. I wonder what will happen.
I'm not afraid, either. I'd think that I would be. Is
there somewhere I'll go afterwards? Will I come back as a
dog or something like that? I really don't care. One life is
enough for me. I don't need to do this again.
Did I have a good life? I did. When my mom and
dad were together, and she wasn't a falling-
down drunk. When I thought my dad cared for us. When I
was with Sander. That's when life was especially good.
After that, it's been pretty much meaningless.
I knew I was gay when I was seven. But I
succumbed to the typical pressures foisted on me by my
friends, family, peers. I heard and told so many queer
jokes that when my own urges surfaced, I was confused. I
knew what I wanted. I knew what I needed. And yet, I
chose to pass it up for temporary approval from people
who don't matter.
Look at them. Look how they smile at one another.
Look how Sander sneaks a quick kiss whenever he thinks
that nobody's looking.
Look how his little brother attends to him like a
squire to a knight. Look at the graciousness. The serene
repose as they sit quietly together while the world does its
thing around them. They are what a lovely couple looks
like. And I'm proud to know them.
I think about the days now.
What will be the day of the week that I die on? A
Monday? Maybe a Thursday? And when that happens,
everything will continue without a hiccup. The buses will
run, the shops will be full, people will be pushing trolleys
in the supermarket. None of them will know I ever existed,
much less know that I've left this world. If I regret
anything, it's that I'm going to be left out of whatever
happens after I'm gone.
Mind you, I don't mean to sound maudlin, because
all things considered, I don't feel sad at all. I'm totally
reconciled with my life.
I'm also very happy that I followed my instinct that
day I got out of the hospital. I'm glad I risked knocking on
Sander's door. He should have slammed it in my face, is
what he should have done. I'm so thankful that he didn't.
I was going to ask Sander for a dance. But I'm too
tired. Just too damned tired. But I can watch him dance
with his mum, his sister and small brother.
I can watch him dance with Johnnie.
Thank you, Johnnie, for being there for him like I
failed to be. You are two beautiful people, and when I
leave this world I'll be thinking of you both. But for now,
I'm here.
And I'm watching you dance.
Chapter 32
ander and I stayed that night in his old upstairs loft
room, and in the morning we'd be off to
S Copenhagen for some shows, some great
restaurants, a quick trip to Sweden, and a lot of time spent
in Room 222 at the Nyhavn 71 Hotel. It was the very room
that we discovered our longing for one another, and had
what we lovingly call our Happy Endings Sleepover.
"Hello, tall man with yellow hair," Sander said
seductively. "Come into my love lair."
"This looks like your parlor, you look very much
like a spider; and I, sir, feel very much like a fly!" I joked
with him. "I'm afraid I must ask what your intentions are,"
I said.
"See this?" he said, pointing at his crotch. "This fits
right here, and we'll hear nothing more about it," he
declared, patting me on the ass. "Now we can do this the
easy way, or the hard way!"
"Uhmm... Hard way, please?"
"I'm sorry, have you a marriage license? Because if
you don't there will be much trouble from my husband.
We got married today, so I can only plug holes with him,"
he laughed.
"Why that lucky fucker," I growled, moving in to
kiss him full on the lips. We stood there, locked in our
embrace, exploring each other with a different sense,
because it was true—we are married!
Soon we found ourselves naked as jaybirds, and
hard as titanium. We weren't messing around. Our first
session as a legally married couple in the Kingdom of
Denmark was going to mean something.
"What can I do for you?" I asked, with a shivering
anticipation for what was about to happen. "I want you to
remember this night more than any other, so what can I