Crisanta Knight: To Death & Back

by Geanna Culbertson

  I stared at him.

  “Crisa, we didn’t get into trouble because the quests counted toward our class credit. Daniel and I each passed our first Valiancy Test last semester when we went looking for the Author. I know you’re the one who stabbed it, but Daniel took credit for slaying that Magistrake when the two of you were alone in Alderon. And he let me take credit for slaying the log monster we encountered in the Forbidden Forest. But today, I officially passed my second Valiancy Test. All that minutia we got into today about past battles and self-defense aside, there is no mistaking what I did in the Mercy Pit. I struck with the intention to kill. Ending Gaheris was a choice and that makes it official. I’m a hero, by Lord Channing’s standards anyway.”

  Jason’s expression was hard to read. He didn’t seem upset or remorseful, but he wasn’t happy either. He spoke everything like it was simply fact.

  I felt stunned, a little sad, and partially confused. I understood that being able to slay a monster or a bad guy was traditionally as much a part of being a hero as being a damsel was a part of being a princess. I just couldn’t believe that it was a mandatory requirement. I had been beating myself up about what I’d accidentally done to that giant in the Canyon of Geene, but Jason, Daniel, Chance Darling—and every hero and prince I knew—was meant to go out into the world and intentionally eliminate antagonists.

  “Has Daniel killed anyone?” I asked, surprised by how much I cared about the answer.

  Jason shook his head. “I stand by what I said in the forest today. If you don’t know for a fact that someone you’ve fought is dead, and if you never struck out against them with the intention to kill, then you’re in the clear. Daniel is an amazing swordfighter—the best I’ve seen. It’s because of that skill, and my own, that we’ve been able to avoid passing the second Valiancy Test until now. Every time we’ve been attacked by antagonists, we’ve fought to defeat them by wounding or knocking them out. Daniel hasn’t officially crossed that line yet. Not like I did today.”

  I paused for a beat.

  “That’s a lot to process, Jason.”

  “The Valiancy Tests, or me killing someone?”

  “Both, I guess. How do you feel after killing Gaheris? I mean, ever since killing the giant I’ve been racked with moral conflict.”

  “Honestly,” Jason said, “I hope you don’t think less of me for it, but I feel fine. Blue saved my life in the Mercy Pit. She was a third of Gaheris’s size and she threw herself at him to protect me. The guy would have killed us both if we’d hesitated, so I killed him first. It’s that simple, and I’m glad I did it. It’s not like I was going to let the girl who just sacrificed her safety for mine get stabbed in an arena.” He looked at the blank expression on my face. “You’re disappointed, aren’t you?”

  “I’m not,” I said, meaning it. “It’s just a big concept to wrap my head around. I don’t judge you for what happened today. You did what you had to do and I respect that. It was the right decision.”

  “You made the right decision today too,” he said seriously. “You defending SJ by killing that giant is no different than me defending Blue by killing Gaheris. We care about them, so there was nothing more important than protecting them in that moment, no matter the cost. You may only have three days left to decide whether or not to cure your Pure Magic Disease, Crisa. But when the Vicennalia Aurora hits, if we’ve found the Four Waters of Paradise and you have to face that choice, I hope you take this into consideration and trust your instincts like you did in the Canyon of Geene.”

  There was a knock at the door and Daniel poked his head in. He noticed Blue, then Jason and me, and quietly walked over to join us, coming to stand next to me by the bed.

  “Hey, man,” he said to Jason. “You doing okay?”

  “Fine,” Jason responded. He tilted his chin toward me. “I just told Crisa about the Valiancy Tests.”

  Daniel’s eyebrows shot up. “Dude, I don’t think we’re supposed to talk to anyone outside our school about those.” He looked at me. “No offense.”

  “None taken,” I replied. I decided to give Daniel and Jason some time to themselves. They were friends and roommates too; they deserved a minute to hang out on their own. I touched Jason on the arm and slid off the bed. “I think I’m going to turn in for the night. I’ll see you guys in the morning.” I gave Daniel a nod and glanced over at Blue. “If she starts snoring, just prop a pillow under her head. SJ and I do it all the time.” I left and made my way down the hall to the fifth door, which Mindy said was for me.

  My room was similar to Jason’s. There was a roaring fireplace, candelabras, fancy paintings, and a large bed. Unlike Jason’s bed, dressed in dark blue and constructed of gold, mine was light pink with a silver frame. My room also had an intricate, old-fashioned mural painted on the ceiling abundant in cherubs, lyres, and clouds.

  My backpack was on the silver nightstand beside my bed, delivered here by a Gwenivere Brigade girl earlier. I kicked off my boots. There was a nightgown folded on the comforter—probably a loaner from one of the GB girls as well. I changed into it and flopped on the bed, thinking about my conversation with Jason and comparing the hero’s standard for justice against the princess’s.

  I couldn’t name a single princess who had ever killed anyone. It was just not our way. But heroes could kill; in fact, they frequently did. They slayed villains. They stopped the bad guy and they were praised for it. Meanwhile, princesses were praised for showing mercy. Jason was right—that was our equivalent of triumphing over evil.

  Did that make princesses stronger than heroes or weaker I wondered. And which was right—ending an antagonist before they could do harm to anyone else, or showing mercy and waiting for a more judicial form of trial and punishment?

  The truth was, I didn’t know. I had never really thought about it. Part of me, the princess side I supposed, believed that killing others, even if they deserved it, was wrong. I should be better than that. At the same time, I was a hero. Which made me consider that maybe killing someone who deserved it wasn’t evil, as Jason had suggested. Maybe it was just and wise.

  Blue had been correct in Neverland this morning. If I’d learned anything about bad guys it was that they didn’t stay down for long. Villains would always be looking for a way to wreak more havoc. So appeasing a supposedly higher sense of morality by leaving them alive could be a foolish, selfish choice if it meant potentially exposing innocents to more of their wickedness.

  I stared at the ceiling. The angels painted there made goodness look so easy, so simple. I was beginning to realize that real life was not like that. I didn’t know why killing was okay for heroes but not for princesses. And I didn’t know which I saw as greater justice or goodness. Both came with a set of caveats. Moreover, as an aspiring hero-princess, I wasn’t sure which path best suited the type of character I wanted to be.

  It looked like the hero way was a better option given the circumstances, but with my Pure Magic making me susceptible to darkness, I had to consider what that might do to me; what embracing the hero’s standard over the princess’s standard might turn me into.

  And I really had to ask myself: What was goodness?

  My backpack started buzzing. I dug inside and pulled out my Mark Two. I was getting a call. I hoped it was Dorothy, or Peter, or even Arthur himself calling to tell us that he had escaped Arian’s men and was safe. But it was most likely Liza calling to check in on me. I hadn’t spoken to my magic mentor since we were in Neverland. I wasn’t looking forward to telling her about crossing the Malice Line in the Canyon of Geene.

  I flipped open the compact.

  “I thought it might be you,” I said to Liza’s reflection.

  Our realm’s mysterious Author met my eyes through the looking glass of the Mark Two. Her dark curly hair took up much of the mirror and, as always, her expression was a combination of stern, worried, kindly, and slightly judgmental.

  “You seem tired,” Liza said.

  “It’s been an exhaus
ting twenty-four hours,” I replied.

  “How many people tried to kill you today?”

  “I honestly lost count.”

  I proceeded to give Liza a recap of my story. I skipped over what had happened in the Canyon of Geene at first but felt guilty and circled back to recount the incident at the end.

  “It just happened,” I confessed. “One minute I was staring into the giant’s open mouth and then everything turned into white noise and my magic sucked the life from him.”

  “Crisa! How could you?” Liza reprimanded.

  “I’m sorry!” My emotions rose up. I couldn’t help it. Although my talk with Jason had given me a new perspective on the morality of taking a life, and I’d tried to remain calm after the incident to reassure my friends, in that moment the reality that I had used my magic to kill someone washed over me and I felt awful about it. Unlike the morality of taking a life, the Malice Line had no gray area. Crossing it was bad for my Pure Magic, and Liza had repeatedly warned me about the dangers of doing so.

  “Crisa, how am I supposed to help you beat this disease if you flagrantly disregard the tools I give you to keep a handle on it?” Liza exclaimed.

  “Well, your tools wouldn’t matter if I was dead, Liza,” I replied, trying (but failing) to hold back my frustration. “Which is what would have happened if my magic hadn’t stepped in.”

  I took a deep breath. “Look, I am sorry. But this once, can you not harass me for making a mistake? I didn’t enjoy taking that life. And I feel bad enough about it as it is. So can you please just … I don’t know, be there for me?”

  Liza had been helping me to develop and control my magical abilities for several months. She was my teacher, my mentor, and my guide, but I’d never fully seen her as a friend. She was always so hard on me. And with good reason. She was trying to keep me from turning evil, and that was a heavy responsibility. But as the only person I knew with Pure Magic who might understand what I was going through, sometimes I wished for a little more empathy.

  “Crisa.” Liza’s tone was softer. “Believe it or not, I am trying to be there for you. I know I may not come across as compassionate, but I really do care about your well-being. And not just because your fate is tied to the realm, but because of you as a person.

  “I have spent most of my life alone because of my Pure Magic and the Author role that my sister saddled me with, so I don’t have great social skills. But I am very fond of you. I understand your fear, I worry about your future, and I don’t want you to suffer. Don’t mistake my nagging for lack of support or empathy. I am only trying to help you avoid a terrible destiny.”

  Liza knew most of my secrets. And because of her visions of the future, she probably knew more about me than I wanted her to. But this was the first time I think I’d ever felt truly seen by her.

  “I didn’t know you felt that way,” I said. “I didn’t know we were friends.”

  “Honestly, I think of you more like a daughter than a friend,” Liza admitted. “I am protective of you because you are what I imagine a child of mine would be like—magical, yes, but also strong-willed, curious, and defiant. Which means maybe it is a good thing, for the realm’s sake, that I never had children.”

  “Um. Thanks?”

  “Yes, well, now you know,” Liza said abruptly, getting back to business. She really didn’t have strong social skills. “We need to speak about more pressing matters. Did you say that your magic did not work in the Canyon of Geene?”

  “Yeah, but I know the whole deal with Jacobee stone now. The only other weird thing was that when I tried to bring my wand to life in the form of a shield that didn’t work either.”

  “No, I suspect not,” Liza said. “Fairy Godmother wands are supposed to be conductors of magic, but since yours is already enchanted to specifically change into different weapons, I had a feeling that any other magical possession may be overridden.”

  “That’s too bad.”

  “Not entirely,” Liza countered. “It means that anyone else with magic cannot affect your wand either. Take that Morgause woman you mentioned. If your wand won’t conduct other magic, then that means she cannot use her levitation powers on it either.”

  I perked up at that. At least there was one advantage.

  “On a less positive note,” Liza continued.

  Oh, boy. I know that tone. That’s Liza’s I’m-about-to-give-you-bad-news-about-your-magic voice.

  “I think it’s time I was honest with you about something. Do you remember when I explained how when you have Magic Exhaustion you are not completely tapped out of magic? It is like any other form of exhaustion—your strength doesn’t disappear, it is just extremely depleted. Therefore, it prevents you from doing anything of value except, in your case, getting your wand to change forms, which requires only the tiniest bit of magic.”

  “I remember.”

  “Well … that was not the absolute truth,” Liza admitted. “Pure Magic is very powerful, Crisa, for some people more than others. I didn’t want to bring this up until I saw how your powers developed. But based on recent events, I think you need to know about Magic Instinct.”

  Should I be taking notes? I feel like I should be taking notes.

  “I want you to think of your magic like a virus in a symbiotic relationship with you, its host. The magic wants to corrupt you; it wants to eventually overpower your will so it can exist at its full potential, in its pure self. By keeping a handle on it, you push back so that you and the magic can coexist. But, while your magic does want to overcome you, it needs you to survive. If you died, it would no longer have a host. And although magic can’t be killed or destroyed—it can only change forms or change hands—when magic empties from a dead host to a new one there is no guarantee that the new host will bond with the power in the same way making it pure again. If that bond does not occur, which it hardly ever does, then the virus will die.”

  “Uh-huh,” I said slowly. “Sooo you’re saying my magic wants to protect me so it can corrupt me?”

  “Precisely,” Lisa responded. “Which is why when life literally hangs in the balance, a Pure Magic carrier can briefly overcome Magic Exhaustion. If the host is strong enough, the magic can come to his or her defense despite its state of depletion. Like how someone in mortal danger might still find the strength to run and fight even if they’ve been beaten to the very brink.”

  Like Bruce Willis in those Die Hard movies that Blue loves.

  Suddenly a memory clicked into place. I remembered the day that Alex and Mauvrey led the commons rebellion attack on our castle in Midveil. I had exhausted my magic and shouldn’t have been able to use my abilities. But when I was trapped in the burning castle and about to suffocate, I’d unleashed a small burst of power so I could escape.

  In the aftermath, I’d wondered how that was possible. Now I knew: Magic Instinct.

  “Liza, this would have been nice to know earlier,” I said. “I’m constantly in peril. Being able to do this gives me a fallback if I’m ever without another means to save myself.”

  “Well, that’s exactly why I didn’t tell you about Magic Instinct.” Liza sighed. “This is not another tool in your arsenal, Crisa. You don’t control Magic Instinct, your Pure Magic does. The phenomenon only occurs when your Pure Magic detects that its host is at the doors of death, and it can happen whether you’re magically exhausted or fully charged. Magic Instinct is what kicked in today when you faced the giant in the Canyon of Geene. I didn’t want to overload you with information before, but Magic Instinct is also what helps you counteract the effects of the Poppies. Think about it. In any of the instances when you encountered Poppies, were you actively trying to channel your powers, or did they just come to your aid?”

  “I—I didn’t really think about it …” I cut myself off as a lump of sadness and fear stuck in my throat.

  “Crisa, it’s simple,” Liza continued. “While Magic Instinct is designed to save you and keep you alive, it also corrupts you. It is the
result of Pure Magic interceding on your behalf and filling the gap when your controlled magic falls short. However, if you ever face life-threatening trouble while you’re suffering Magic Exhaustion, this instinct can be your salvation. Additionally, I believe you are getting strong enough now that you can call on it yourself. You don’t have to wait for it to step in. If you actively choose to surrender control and let go to your emotions in moments of peril, you could potentially compel Magic Instinct to give you power when you are depleted in more situations.”

  “But isn’t that the opposite of what you’ve been training me to do?” I argued.

  “It is,” Liza said. “Hence my warning to not actively pursue the use of Magic Instinct as a fallback option unless absolutely necessary.”

  I leaned against the headboard. I was less scared and sad now. I was actually a bit angry.

  “Liza, I kind of wish you hadn’t told me this. In the past you’ve given me instructions for things to completely avoid. This feels like you’ve given me the world’s most delicious poisoned cookie. It’s like, ‘Oh, here’s something that could save your life, but don’t use it because it’s super bad for you.’ Why tell me now?”

  “Because you deserve to know the whole truth about what your magic can do,” Liza said. “Based on what I’ve foreseen, you may need this information soon. And while I don’t want you to relinquish control to your Pure Magic, I want you to be dead even less. Knowing about this option may save you.”

  Liza shook her head and I couldn’t tell if she was disappointed in me or herself. “You’re growing very powerful, Crisa. You need to understand how your actions affect you and have a full grasp of what you’re working with. You’ve always been a person driven to search for answers, despite the cost. Well, now you have them. And if you expect to grow into a strong, mature adult, you need to discover how to handle those realities for yourself. Your situation is tricky, but there comes a time when every girl needs to learn to control her own power.”