the Dance

by Alison G. Bailey

  My stomach felt like it was full of fizzy bubbles. “I don’t know. Sophie doesn’t like sports and I’m not interested in sitting through an entire game by myself.”

  “If I convince her to go, would you go? Cause I’d really like you to go to the game.”

  “Why do you want me there so badly?”

  He glanced away for a brief moment as his cheeks pinked up. “Cause you’re cute. I like you. And I want to show off in front of you so you’ll go to the homecoming dance with me.”

  With my gaze down, I fidgeted with the corner of my Algebra book. “I’d go to the dance with you, game or no game.”

  The corners of his lips tugged into a sweet smile. “Are you saying I got no game?”

  I giggled at his joke even though I didn’t get it.

  Pushing off from the locker, he took a step toward me. “I’ll see you at the game tonight.”

  Being this close to him made everything blurry. “That is if you convince Sophie.”

  Will dipped his head and leaned in closer. “I’ll see you at the game tonight.”

  My heart ached at the lost innocence, the lost years, and the lost dream.

  Closing my eyes, I inhaled one final deep breath before sliding off of the stool onto wobbly legs.

  “I’ll get your jacket.” Will offered.

  While waiting for him to return, I attempted to strengthen my legs and my resolve. I had to deal with things one step at a time. If I thought of everything at once my brain would flood and my insides would implode. I’d get through the blood test and the appointment. Then I’d figure out how to tell Hart and pray he wouldn’t hate me for exposing him to this mess. He’d already had a lifetime’s worth of pain. And if I had to walk away in order for him to be happy, then I would walk away.

  Will came toward me holding my jacket out for me to slip my arms in. Instead of putting my cellphone in my purse, I kept it clutched in my hand. Hart wasn’t able to be with me but his words of love and encouragement were all over my text messages and voicemails. As I approached the front door, I took in a deep breath and tightened my grip, using the phone like a security blanket. Will opened the door and a rush of cold air slapped me in the face.

  One Mississippi.

  Two Mississippi.

  Three Mississippi.

  And I stepped out of the door.

  The ride to the doctor’s office was for the most part done in silence. Will tried to strike up casual conversation a few times in order to get my mind on anything else other than the pink elephant in the room.

  Numbness was setting in as I stared at the beautiful historic homes, palmetto trees, and tourist whiz by. My breath stuck in my throat as I realized we were about to pass the rehab center. Shifting my gaze, I focused straight ahead so there was no chance of me spotting Hart’s car in the parking lot. As memories of my days roaming the halls flashed through my mind something occurred to me.

  Looking over at Will, I said, “Why didn’t they find out you had the virus after the accident? I mean, with all the blood work they ran on you in the hospital and at the rehab it seems like it would have shown up.”

  “HIV testing isn’t part of a complete blood count. The patient has to request the test.”

  “You’d been with those other women by then and you didn’t ask for the test?”

  “Ignorance is bliss, I guess,” Will said, sheepishly.

  “Maybe you slept with whoever infected you after we’d been together that last time.”

  “Not possible.”

  “How can you be sure? I mean, wouldn’t you have gotten sick soon after being infected? Correct me if I’m wrong but you started screwing around shortly before the accident, that would be last spring or summer.”

  Will tightened his grip on the steering wheel. “You can carry the virus for a while before symptoms show. Besides, I’m positive it was before the accident. I haven’t been with anyone physically since then.”

  In other words he was still cyber fucking. Not wanting to pull at that thread, I turned my head and resumed staring out the window.

  When Will mentioned his doctor was a specialist, my imagination conjured up all sorts of images of a doom-and-gloom office with half-dead patients lining the corridors. Ridiculous and illogical, yes, but my mind wasn’t exactly working at full capacity.

  The building looked like the typical medical facility. The handful of people waiting looked up as Will and I entered the room. An older lady in the corner gave me a warm smile when we made eye contact.

  As Will checked us in, I inconspicuously scanned the room. It was hard to believe that the people here had AIDS or HIV. They all looked so normal. The lady with the warm smile looked as if she could be someone’s grandmother. Once check-in was done, Will and I found two empty seats tucked in a corner and headed their way.

  Will shrugged out of his coat, placing it in the chair beside him. Still gripping my cellphone, I draped my jacket over my arm and hugged it to my chest. As we waited, Will mindlessly flipped through the pages of a magazine. Shifting in my chair, I crossed and uncrossed my legs multiple times, never finding a comfortable position. Finally, I gave up and landed both feet flat on the ground. My gaze darted all around the room as I coiled and uncoiled the strap of my purse around my finger. Every little sound caused my body to jerk.

  Leaning toward me, Will asked, “You hanging in there?”

  “As well as can be expected.” Leaning closer to him, I whispered, “Are you sure we’re in the right place? None of these people look sick.”

  “They may be here with a patient or have HIV. People live healthy and normal lives with the virus, Bryson. When it turns into AIDS is when you’re fucked.”

  I stared into his dark brown eyes flooded with awareness. Will knew the expiration date on his life wasn’t something in the far away distance. It was no longer a concept to wax poetic about. It was a hardcore firm reality that kept getting closer with each passing day. With everything I’d been trying to process in the last few hours, the fact that Will was dying never really sunk in. I opened my mouth to speak just as Will’s name was called.

  A pretty blonde dressed in solid blue scrubs stood in the doorway that led to the exam rooms. “Will, you can come back now.”

  Will stood first, taking his coat in one hand and extending the other to me. I stared at his outstretched hand for a few seconds before taking the offer. It was like an out of body experience as we let the nurse guide us to exam Room D. I was fully aware of my body moving and where I was. But this wasn’t my life, it just couldn’t be.

  “Jennie, this is my . . . this is Bryson.”

  “Nice to meet you, Bryson.” I gave her a weak smile in response.

  Indicating the two chairs up against the wall, Jennie said, “Y’all can take a seat there.” Sitting on the round stool with wheels, she rolled over to the desk. “Will, how have you been feeling since your last visit?”

  “Not too bad. I think the cough might be a little better. My energy has been low and I’m cold all the time.”

  I was shocked to hear Will reported his explosive cough was getting better.

  She gave him a sympathetic smile and typed something into the computer. “Dr. Rudolph will be in to see you in a few minutes. Is there anything I can get either of you?”

  There was a friendly familiarity between Will and Jennie letting me know he’d been a frequent visitor since his diagnosis. The realization caused a lump to form in my throat.

  Glancing at me, Will asked, “You want anything, coffee or tea?”

  I looked at Jennie and shook my head. “I’m good, thank you.”

  After one more sympathetic smile she left the room.

  “I thought your cough was due to a cold,” I said.

  “I have spots on my lungs.” He tugged the neck of his sweater down, revealing the reddish purple spot. “Same type cancer as this.”

  Looking away, my eyes filled with tears. I swiped my fingers under my eyes, catching the tears before they
fell. Suddenly, the door swung open. A tall, round, balding man in a white coat and wire rim glasses whooshed in like a tornado.

  Shoving his hand out, he said, “Will, how ya doing, man?”

  Will slapped his palm into the doctor’s and shook. “About the same.”

  “Same is good. Better is better. But we’ll take same.”

  “Dr. Rudolph this is Bryson.”

  It was my turn to have a hand thrust in my face. “Nice to meet you, young lady. Wish it were at a cocktail party and not here, though.”

  The amount of energy radiating off this guy was somewhat overwhelming. Words fired out of him at lightning speed. So much so that my brain was constantly playing catch whenever he opened his mouth.

  “Me too,” I said.

  Dr. Rudolph took the seat in front of the computer.

  His gaze swung from the screen to me. “I’m not sure how much you know about HIV and AIDS.”

  “I know the basics, I guess.”

  “I’m a first-things-first kind of guy. I can give you a bunch of reading material. Hell, you can google the information now. But no sense in getting you all nervous and scared . . .”

  Too late, doc.

  “. . . Until we know for a fact that you’re infected. Now, if your blood work comes back positive, you need to realize that it’s not a death sentence like it used to be. Sure there are lifestyle changes you’ll have to make, precautions, but I repeat, an HIV diagnosis is not a death sentence.” He looked me directly in the eye. “Do you understand me, young lady?”

  “Yes, sir.”

  I understood him but the jury was still out on whether or not I believed him.

  “I’m going to get Jennie to come draw some blood. We can do a rapid test here in the office that only takes a few minutes to get the results.”

  This shocked me. I thought I’d be in hell for days or even weeks waiting for the results. Knowing I’d have the answer before I left this office gave me a sense of relief but also terrified me.

  The doctor bolted up from his seat. “Okay, let’s get this show on the road. Jennie will be right in and I’ll see you once I have news.”

  All three of us exchanged courteous smiles before Dr. Rudolph left the room.

  Will and I didn’t have a chance to say anything before Jennie reappeared. She meticulously lined up the items needed for the blood draw.

  “Bryson, would you roll up your sleeve, please?” Jenni said, as she pulled on a pair of purple latex gloves. “There’s a big juicy vein.”

  I knew she was trying to lighten the mood, hoping her little joke would make me less nervous. It didn’t. As the needle pierced my skin, I dug my nails into Will’s arm. He took it like a man, not wincing or pulling away.

  “There, all done.”

  I looked over at Jennie as she filled one of the tubes with my dark red blood. Her bright blond hair blurred and the room swayed.

  Blink.

  Blink.

  Blink.

  After the third blink, I opened my eyes and the room and Jennie’s hair were back to normal.

  She secured a Band-Aid over the area and gathered up her supplies. “The test only takes a few minutes. The doctor will be back when he has the results. Can I get either of you anything, coffee, a soda . . .? We also have snacks in the lounge.”

  For the third time I shook my head at her sweet offer as Will answered, “No thanks. I think we’re both good right now.”

  After Jennie left us alone the room fell silent except for the crackling sound whenever Will inhaled a breath. I realized this was due to the cancer in his lungs, and a knot twisted in my stomach. And with each second that passed Will’s fate slapped me in the face.

  Without looking at me, Will placed his hand over mine and said in a low voice, “Thank you, Bryson.”

  “For what?”

  “For not acting like you hate me.”

  “I don’t want to hate you, Will. I don’t want to hate anyone.”

  “But you have every right to because of what I’ve done.” He gave my hand a gentle squeeze.

  I concentrated on the blank wall in front of me. If I allowed my thoughts to drift to anything besides that plain empty white wall, I’d end up a puddle on the floor. Each time thoughts of Mom, Dad, Ryan, Sophie, or Hart pushed through to my consciousness, I pushed back hard until they disappeared. The last thing I wanted to do was to hurt the most important people in my life. And even though this situation was beyond my control the thought of causing those I loved pain was more than I could handle at the moment.

  Both Will and I jumped when the door swung open and Dr. Rudolph appeared holding a piece of paper. He didn’t bother to sit down. Instead, he stood in front of us and looked into my panicked eyes.

  “The rapid test came back negative,” he announced.

  An audible sigh of relief gushed out of Will. I sat still as a statue, stunned and grateful. The sound of Dr. Rudolph’s deep voice jarred me to attention.

  “To be on the safe side, I’m still going to send a sample off to the lab.”

  “If the first test is negative then why bother to do that?” Will asked.

  “Just as a precaution. The lab is equipped to conduct more extensive testing. Those results will take a little longer to get.”

  My ability to think and speak was gradually returning. “How much longer?”

  “A few days to a week. Don’t worry, young lady. Today’s test is great news.”

  I nodded with tears filling my eyes.

  “I’ll call you with the other results.” He extended his hand to me. “It’s going to be okay.” The doctor then shook Will’s hand. “I’ll see you for our regularly scheduled visit next week unless you need me before hand.”

  “Thank you . . . uh . . . so much for . . . uh . . . seeing us on such short notice, sir,” Will stammered.

  “Not a problem.”

  The second Dr. Rudolph left the room, Will doubled over. With his elbows resting on his knees, his head hanging low, sobs quietly seeped out of him.

  “Thank God you’re okay,” he choked out.

  This man who belittled me during our marriage, who cheated on me, who exposed me to a deadly disease was completely broken and my heart hurt for him. What Will said was true, I had every right to hate him but I couldn’t. I wasn’t going to allow the pain he’d caused to change the person I was. Biting my lower lip, I attempted to stay composed as I placed my hand on his back and slowly rubbed. Will and I stayed like this until he shed his last tear and my heart forgave him.

  The ride home was just as quiet as the ride to the doctor’s office, only this time I think it was more from pure exhaustion than anything else. We pulled into the driveway and Will walked me to the front door.

  “Thank you for taking me today,” I said, focusing my gaze down.

  “Don’t thank me for that.”

  I glanced up in time to witness a visible shiver run through his body. “It’s getting pretty cold. You should go get warm.”

  “Bryson, I know it’s already been a long day . . .” He chuckled. “God, it’s only 3 p.m.”

  My eyebrows knitted together in disbelief. “It feels like midnight.”

  He chewed on his bottom lip, struggling with whether or not to say his next words. “Can I come in?”

  “Will, I’m exhausted and I’m meeting Hart in a few hours. I have to tell him.”

  “I know but I really need to discuss something with you.” There was a pleading in his tone and his eyes.

  “Something else?”

  “Yeah. It’s pretty important.”

  I hesitated for a minute before giving in. “Okay.”

  I headed inside, thinking Will was behind me but when I turned around to close the door the foyer was empty. I put my purse down, took off my jacket, and went into the kitchen. As I was heating water for tea, Will entered and placed the black bag he always used for work on the counter. He shrugged off his coat and draped it on the back of one of the stools.

&n
bsp; “Tea?” I asked.

  Pulling several folders out of his bag, he lined them up along the counter. “Yes, please.”

  I was in hopes that the divorce papers he still hadn’t signed were in one of the folders. “What’s all that?”

  Sitting down, he answered, “The thing I need to discuss with you.”

  I placed the two mugs of tea on the counter and sat on the stool beside Will.

  “I apologize for dumping all of this on you in one day. It’s just I don’t have a lot of time to waste.”

  I couldn’t tell if Will had accepted his fate or was terrified of its fast approach. Maybe a little of both.

  His gaze lowered. “Bryson . . . um . . . I’m not sure exactly how to ease into this.”

  Fidgeting, I slid my mug back and forth between my hands. “It’s okay, just start.”

  He glanced up at me for a brief second before his gaze dropped again. “When I told my family about my diagnosis . . . let’s just say they’ve been less than supportive.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “My parents have basically disowned me and my brother won’t even take my calls. Can you believe that? He’s been a loser all his life and he won’t talk to me anymore.”

  I wasn’t that surprised by the reaction of Will’s parents. Appearances meant everything to them. You would think the fact that your child was dying would override any moral, ethical, or social issues you had. Alex, on the other hand, was a different story. I would have thought he’d at least be more empathetic to Will’s situation.

  “And my so-called friends have disappeared.”

  “All of them?”

  I knew that at one time people distanced themselves from those with AIDS but I thought that was a thing of the past now.

  “Yeah. So, I’m pretty much riding solo these days.” The fingers of his left hand nervously tapped one of the folders in front of him before he pushed it toward me. “After the reaction I got from my parents, I left the construction company. But before I quit, I took half of my stock options and my 401K and rolled it into an individual retirement fund. The cash value of it right now is enough to live very comfortably for years.”

  I had no idea why Will was telling me all of this.