Fake It

by Mia Ford

  I stare at the sexy stranger, already grinning as he makes his way back to me, knowing that I need to at least give him a chance. Up until this point the party has been a disaster, but maybe it’s about to completely turn around for the better.

  “By the way, my name is Adam,” he tells me as he sits down beside me, handing me a drink. “I completely forgot to introduce myself then. And what’s your name, beautiful?”

  Oh my God, I haven’t ever been called beautiful before, it feels really good. It makes me shiver, I love his openness, it makes me trust him lots.

  “I’m Louise,” I tell him softly, leaning in as I speak. I think I might even be flirting which isn’t like me at all. Usually I’m too shy to even speak. This is like a miracle! It’s just so nice to be able to be open with how I’m feeling. I don’t have to hide a damn thing, I can even talk to Julia about it at some point.

  “So how do you know Julia? I’ve just started working with her…”

  “I’m a friend of a friend.” He shoves me playfully which makes me giggle like a crazy person. “But I don’t want to talk about Julia, I want to talk about you.”

  But before I can say anything at all, his hand cups my cheek and he brings my face close to his. He stares into my eyes for a second looking at me with such lust that it makes me want to burst. Then he brings my mouth to his and he kisses me hard and fast. Damn it, this is wild, but it’s so exciting. I kiss him back with just as much passion, turning my brain off as I do. This feels so good that for just five minutes it allows me to forget about all my inner turmoil which is wonderful. I’ve been so caught up in knots and I’m only just realizing how much now.

  Screw you, Oliver, I think as I wrap my hand around Adam’s neck. I can be bad too…

  Not that this is about Oliver of course. I might care about him, but not enough to act out in any way. This isn’t about him, this is about me just doing something that feels good with someone who seems to like me. A lot, judging by the groaning that’s coming out of his mouth. It feels good to turn someone on, to have someone so attracted to me, it makes me feel powerful.

  “Do you want to come upstairs with me?” Adam whispers into my mouth, his breath tickling all over my passion bruised lips in a really good way. “Get a little… privacy?”

  I know what this means, I’m not that naïve, but what I don’t know what I want to do. I mean, I do. I want to take this further, I want to really forget and to prove to Oli… I mean, myself that I can have fun. I want to continue feeling attractive because it’s awesome. Because I’m a little drunk, I’m really leaning towards that idea. More than maybe I should be.

  I bite down on my bottom lip and nod slowly. “Do you know what? Yes, I do.”

  Adam takes my hand and he leads me towards the stairs, both of us giggling like crazy teenagers with an intense crush on one another. To think, only moments ago I was about to leave this party and go back home alone and lonely, and now I’m having the best night of my life. I’m giddy and excited, turned on and wild, I don’t feel like myself at all which is amazing. I like not being me for just a short while. I like letting someone taking control of the situation for just a moment because it leads me to do the things that I really want to do, but I’m too scared to.

  Once we reach the top of the house, Adam circles his arms around my waist and he shoves me up against the wall where he kisses me with all the passion in the world. I can feel the burning hot desire running through his veins which ignites me even more. I’m like a damn Christmas tree I’m so lit up. I claw at him, desperately trying to unclothe him despite the fact that we’re in public.

  “Get a room!” someone yells at us, which is exactly what I intend to do.

  “Yeah, let’s,” I murmur to Adam. “I have a room waiting for me just across that hallway.”

  As we slide into the bedroom and I close the door behind us, I flick the lock shut and turn to face him with a bright, cheeky smile playing on my lips. Now, that I’m alone with Adam, the sound of the pumping music is sexy. It makes me feel like we’re in a public place and might get caught, but it’s okay because I have the safety of a locked door keeping the rest of the world away from us.

  “So,” I say in what I hope is a seductive, husky voice as I shake my hips and move towards him.

  “Now we’re alone. We have some privacy. What are we going to do with it?”

  Adam grabs me and he kisses me again, this time we can actually tear one another’s clothes off rather than just acting like we want to, and it’s amazing. The more I can feel of his flushed, boiling skin, the more turned on I become. I can barely stand it, I need him now, I need the way that he makes me feel. As we crash back onto the bed behind me, I feel so fucking good I could scream.

  “Oh fuck.” Adam angles himself into me as he kisses down my neck. “Fucking hell.”

  I like the fact that he isn’t messing around, I’m glad there’s no extended, slightly awkward foreplay. Even if he does turn out to be the guy I end up falling in love with, right now I just want him to drive into me to make me forget. I need to feel him everywhere, filling me up.

  As he thrusts hard into me and he moves at a rapid pace. I claw at his back, needily and desperately, gasping as the heat consumes me and I feel completely breathless. I don’t know how good this feels exactly, it isn’t as thrilling and delicious as I thought it would be, but it’s better than moping over Oliver. Not that I’m thinking about Oliver right now of course.

  “Oh my God!” Adam cries out as he explodes inside of me, much too quickly. “Oh fuck, Julia that feels so fucking good.”

  As he rolls next to me, panting heavily and wiping the sweat from his forehead, an ice cold pit of shame forms in my stomach. This is a mistake, I never should have let this happen. I know I’m not a one night stand kinda girl and now this has just proven that.

  “It’s Louise, actually…” I say pathetically. “Not Julia.”

  “Huh?” Adam replies, but of course he’s hardly listening. He’s practically snoring on the other side of the bed with his back to me. He isn’t interested in me at all, he probably just noticed my vulnerability and decided to take advantage of me. Just another man, screwing me over. Wonderful.

  Chapter Seven – Oliver

  I feel sick as I wake up the next morning, and not just because I’m incredibly hungover, although I know I am definitely having that. No, my real problem is the two women in the bed next to me. The blonde that I originally had my eye on and her brunette best friend, the craziest girls that I think I’ve ever hooked up with. I mean, they certainly helped me to forget all about my issues with Louise with that wild threesome where I did things that I only ever get to do rarely… and while it was fun at the time, now, in the cold sober light of day I just feel sick at my behavior. I’m an idiot.

  What the hell is wrong with me? I think to myself as I push myself off the bed. I want to stay there all day all but I can’t continue to lie next to strangers. It’s weird. I need to clean myself off, to wash off the night, then some time after that I need to get rid of these people because I have to work. With Louise, she’s the girl I won’t be able to fully forget no matter what I do. Not while she’s working with me.

  I clutch my aching head in my hands as I flick the shower water on. While I wait for it to heat up, I shake my head and gag at the memory of my behavior. At some point, the life style that’s always seemed really awesome to me is about to become tragic and sad, and I don’t know when that moment will be. I hope it isn’t now, but I have a horrible feeling that it is. I’ve hooked up with a lot of people in the last few days and it hasn’t felt good at all. The more I do it, the worse I feel. As I stand there naked, with only the memory of what happened last night, I don’t like myself at all.

  Eventually I get into the shower and I try to relax under the steaming water that pours over me but I can’t. My muscles remain tense, my skin still feels dirty, I don’t feel any better at all. All I can think about is facing Louise again on Monday and
making her know what I’m like. I just want her to think that I’m better, that’s all. Maybe this is karma kicking me in the ass.

  I give up on the shower much quicker that I would normally and I wrap a small towel around my waist. Then I stand for a few moments staring at the slightly foggy reflection I’m showing in the mirror. I barely look like myself at all, my skin is all pale and sallow, my eyes look empty, I’m unhappy. I certainly don’t have any reason to be miserable; I have a great job, lots of friends, plenty of cash, and women throwing themselves at me. What is it about this one that’s shaken absolutely everything up? Why does this naïve, sweet young thing affect me so badly? I need to work it out.

  As I leave the bathroom I hear giggling from the bedroom which means the girls are awake. It’s time to have the super awkward conversation where I ask them to leave because all I want is to be by myself. If they’re already having fun in there it probably means that they’re up for more. I could probably enjoy myself with them all weekend if I wanted to, but I don’t want the self loathing any longer, I want to work out how I can make myself feel a whole lot better.

  “Oh, hello there,” the brunette calls out to me with a cheeky smile on her face. She rises into a sitting position and pushes out her naked breasts in my direction. Her nipples are standing to attention, and not because of the cold. “Are you coming back to bed?”

  “No.” I shake my head much too rapidly. “No, I’m not getting back in bed. Actually, I think it might be time for you to go. I have a lot going on today, work I need to do and stuff…”

  “Oh no, don’t make us go,” the blonde says while pouting out her lips. “We have so much that we still want to do with you. Last night was only the tip of the ice berg!”

  It was? I can’t help being intrigued by that. What we did last night was absolutely insane. If that isn’t the whole of it then what more can there be? Can there actually be more to what they can do? Am I about to be sucked in to something even crazier than last night?

  “No.” I shake my head decidedly, knowing that taking this step isn’t going to help me to better myself.

  “I really do need you both to go. I have a lot that I need to get done this weekend but I can’t do it with you here. I appreciate the offer and we’ve had a lot of fun, but now I have to be by myself.”

  They grumble and moan about me, almost under their breath and they get their clothes back on. I leave the room to give them some privacy and blow out a deep breath of air as relief floods me. No more making mistakes and acting like a fool. I’m just going to have to find another way to help myself to forget Louise because clearly this isn’t working.

  ***

  I watch Louise across the office talking quietly to a client. She’s not like me, she doesn’t charm people and act flirty, she is just calm and composed. But somehow it works even more effectively. She isn’t the warmest or the easiest socially, but there’s something about her that makes them happy anyway. Me too. I’m super happy when she’s around… sad too, but that’s only because she isn’t speaking to me much. She’s still being cold with me, which I hate.

  Once Louise is done with the patient, we’re left alone in the room again. I take a deep sigh and I move closer to her, wishing I could find the words to dispel this tension between us. If I didn’t have all this guilt swilling through my system then maybe I could do it.

  “So, Louise,” I start quietly, needing to say something. I just want her to look at me. “Erm, how was your weekend? Was the house party thing for your friend okay?”

  She snaps her eyes up at me and panic covers her expression. I can already tell that she’s worried and I’ve said the wrong thing, but I don’t know why. I wish I could take my words back, but they’re out there now, causing her trouble for some reason. I really want to know why.

  “Oh, the house party.” Her cheeks flame bright red. Clearly something happened at the party and I’m intrigued to know what. But I can’t ask, in case she probes too deeply into my weekend. Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything at all, I can’t tell her that I had a threesome with two nameless girls, then spent the rest of the time moping on my couch and hating myself. “Yep, it was…”

  “Was it Julia’s?” My voice is shaky, I’m just trying to speak about something that feels safe.

  “Yeah. Julia’s house. She had a good time, I think. She got very drunk and spent all the morning being sick.” She chuckles, but the sound is mirthless. “I was good at holding her hair back.”

  “Oh yeah? So you weren’t being sick yourself? Didn’t you go nuts?”

  She purses her lips tightly together and glances down at the floor underneath her feet. Something bad definitely happened at the party. Much as I desperately want to know but I also think it might be better to steer away from the awkward topic in case she gets upset. She’s already not happy with me and I don’t want to make that worse. I just want to see that lovely sweet smile of hers.

  “Right, well do you want to go to lunch?” I glance at my watch and notice that maybe it’s a bit early for food, but it’s better than talking about all of this and hurting her feelings more than I already have. “Are you hungry yet? We could get in there quick before the canteen fills up.”

  “You don’t have an appointment that you want to take on while I eat?” she asks me curiously, causing guilt to flood my body. I really have been a shit to her and I can’t even explain why. I can’t tell her that I like her and I’m trying to forget her. That’s insane.

  “No, I don’t, and I won’t again,” I tell her decidedly. “I shouldn’t be doing appointments by myself without you there or what’s the point of you shadowing me?”

  I offer her a smile, but Louise doesn’t take it. She nods and agrees for me to come with her, but she isn’t opening up to me at all. I suppose it’s going to take a while for her to fully trust me again and I just have to accept that. Well, that’s fine. I’m willing to try. I haven’t ever had to put in so much effort to carve out a friendship before, I’ve never had to, but at the same time I don’t mind for Louise.

  We walk into the canteen and take our seats. I sit in the chair opposite Louise and watch while she takes a bite out of her sandwich and with just that one simple gesture she completely takes my breath away. She’s so damn beautiful that I want to hold her close to my chest and just caress her. Something is making her sad, and I want to erase that from her completely.

  “So, what are your plans after college?” I ask her, sticking to work which I think is a much safer subject between the two of us, me the workaholic and Louise the ambitious trainee.

  “I’ve been thinking about moving away,” she tells me quietly.

  “I always had this plan that as soon as I get my education out of the way I’m going to start again in a brand new city where no one knows my name and no one knows about my past.” She sighs loudly, her eyebrows knitting together as she thinks. “A fresh start, a chance to reinvent myself as someone brand new.”

  “You want to be someone else?” I can’t imagine that at all, but then again up until this moment I’ve only been extremely happy with my life. “Who will you be in this brand new life of yours?”

  “Oh someone confident and fun,” she shoots back right away. “Someone who isn’t shy and isolated. Someone who hasn’t spent her whole life around people who don’t want to know me.”

  “I want to know you,” I shoot back right away. “And if I want to know you I’m sure many people do. You just need to open up and let them in, that’s all. If you do that then maybe you can cultivate that new personality here itself. You don’t have to go anywhere at all.” When she doesn’t say anything, I feel the need to continue. “I mean, I’m sure your family want you to stay.”

  “Oh right, yeah, I don’t actually have any family,” she replies quietly. “I haven’t done for a while so I wouldn’t need to worry about that. But maybe I could do it here if I wanted to, I’m not sure yet. I don’t know what my plan is.”

  She has no family
? That’s something I never would have guessed about her. It makes me see a whole different, more vulnerable side to her. Now I want to protect her more, it makes me even more determined to look after her. I’m going to have to make her forgive me and warm to me properly, whatever it takes.

  Chapter Eight – Louise

  “Hey, Louise,” Julia calls out my name in a bright tone of voice. “How you doing?”

  “Urgh, not good,” I grumble while clutching onto my flip flopping stomach. “I feel sick.”

  “You’ve felt ill for a while now, is everything alright? It’s been like, weeks, hasn’t it?”

  I scroll back in my brain and realize that she’s right. It has been a while since I’ve felt well. Ever since her party actually, which was about five weeks ago. What the hell is wrong with me? At first I thought it was guilt because I slept with that random Adam that no one seems to know, especially not Julia, but now… now I’m scared it might be something else.

  What if I caught something? I feel scared as I cross my legs. Did we even use protection?

  I don’t know if we did because it all happened in the heat of the moment and I’d been drinking so I wasn’t thinking smart and now I might be paying the consequences for that.