Fake It

by Mia Ford

  Mr. Banker pauses for a moment and he taps the pen on the edge of his clipboard while he thinks. I don’t think he ever bothers to write notes about me anymore, I’m pretty sure he hasn’t done in a very long time. I think it’s all for show now. He just wants to remain the professional at all times.

  “You can talk about the real stuff if you want to,” I tell him while kicking my feet idly along the floor. I can’t look at Mr. Banker as I say these words because it makes me so uncomfortable, but we can’t just do the small talk thing. It’s a waste of time if we do. “I don’t mind.”

  “What do you want to talk about?” he asks me curiously. “Is there anything specific that’s troubling you? Do you want to talk about the past again, or are you more concerned with the future right now? I’m here for you so I’m happy to talk about whatever you want.”

  I snap my eyes up at him in shock, usually he’s very controlling of the direction he wants the talk to go in which is fine by me. I think I need that. I need someone to push me when it gets really hard or I’ll just go quiet. I wonder why he’s doing this for me now?

  Maybe it’s because I’m leaving soon and he’s giving me a little bit of a chance to blossom. It’s terrifying to be in the driver’s seat, I don’t know what to do with the control. Do I want to hash over things with my father and his violence again before I’m set free and I can’t talk about it again? Do I want to talk about how scared I am that he’ll be out of prison eventually and I might have to face him, or do I want to talk about what’s coming next?

  “I… I don’t know,” I confess as I wring my fingers together. “I don’t know what I want to talk about really, there’s just so much.” Mr. Banker doesn’t pressure me, he sits silently while he waits for me to work things out myself. I sift through my brain, trying to work out what’s troubling me right now. There are so many things, so many worries, so much trouble, but there is one thing that’s worse. “I guess I’d like to discuss the future and how I’m going to deal with that.”

  Chapter Three – Logan

  Seeing Pru is always a little strange, but today more than ever and I’m not totally sure why. I guess because her time at the center is coming to an end and it’s making me feel nostalgic. The girl who she was when she first came here nearly five years ago is nothing compared to who she is now. She was shy, quiet, afraid, nothing more than a little girl. Now, she’s slowly blossoming into a beautiful young woman. As her curves and womanlier figure have come in, so has some confidence. I’m sure she doesn’t see it that way herself but I see real progress.

  She flicks a strand of her very pale blonde over her shoulder and she lets it dangle down her back. Until very recently her hair was incredibly long, but more recently she had it chopped into a bob style and it makes her look so much older. It brings out her bright, sparkling blue eyes and her high cheekbones. I part my lips to tell her that but I stop myself at the last moment. That’s probably not the best thing to say. I don’t ever have to reel myself in with anyone but Pru.

  “It’s going to be strange when you’ve gone,” I say instead. “It’ll be quieter.”

  “Quieter?” She giggles and leans forward, flashing her teeth at me. It always takes her a little while to relax but once she doesn’t take long to relax and when she does she’s a whole lot of fun. “But I’m the quietest person here. It’ll be quieter when Leah leaves. She’s so loud.”

  “Urgh, tell me about it.” I roll my eyes dramatically. “It’ll be dead silent when she’s gone, but I still think I’m going to miss you so much more. Losing you will lose a presence, you know?”

  She blushes brightly but doesn’t reply. I suppose she doesn’t know what to say to that, which is fair enough. It wasn’t the most sensible thing to say. It could easily be misconstrued.

  “I don’t know about that. I think I’m going to miss this place more than it misses me.”

  I pause thoughtfully and watch her expression change. I know this is going to be hard for her, I’m more aware than most how challenging the big wide world will be, but it’s something she’s going to have to face eventually. I don’t think putting her off and making her wait will help. She doesn’t have to leave the center until she’s eighteen, she could probably stay until she was twenty-one years old if she wants to, but I don’t think it’ll be helpful. The sooner Pru gets out of this bubble and she experiences the big wide world, the better. She needs to get adjusted.

  Actually, I do think she’s ready too. I think she can do it, she just needs confidence.

  “We will all miss you,” I insist. “But you can always come back and visit. The doors will always be open for you. You don’t have to leave and never come back, you know?”

  “Yeah, I know,” she sighs sadly. “I do know that, but at the same time it’s a bit scary.”

  “Oh of course it is.” Her hand dangles over the edge of the chair and I want to take it to comfort her, but I don’t. “You haven’t been out of this place much in the last five years, during which time you’ve grown and changed dramatically. Of course, it’s going to be scary, but exciting too, right?”

  She shrugs and purses out her lips. “I don’t know, I suppose so.”

  I’m so used to spending time with the girl now, I think during our time shared in this room I’ve built up a bigger connection with her than I have done with any of the others because she needed so much work, and also because she’s been one of the most willing to try out things I’ve asked her to do so. Because of all that I’m not really ready for her to leave, but since this isn’t about me at all, I need to do what I can to help her. I wish I could do something to make this transition easier.

  “What are you most afraid of?” I ask her curiously. “Is there something specific troubling you?”

  Her shoulders ball up around her ears which is a sign that she’s uncomfortable. I hate making her feel that way when she’s so shy as it is, but sometimes I don’t have a choice. I need to push her out of her shell to get something real from her. Her emotions are hard to penetrate.

  “I don’t know, all of it.” She peers up at me under her eyelashes. “Getting an apartment, living alone, having a job and paying for stuff, doing normal things, then people too.”

  Ah, I can sense that we’re getting into the root of the problem here! Of course it’s people, she doesn’t do too well with others. She’s so closed off that it might put people off of her. They might not see her as someone worth their time and effort to get to know.

  “Friends?” I ask while pretending to write something down. “Is that what you mean?”

  “Friends, coworkers, people on the street, people who work in shops, you know… other things.”

  I’m sure here she means boyfriends and connections with men but I cannot start that conversation without her instigating it fully. Not when I already feel like I can’t totally trust my own words. I’m so afraid of overstepping that mark that I chose to say nothing at all.

  “This is stuff that everyone has to navigate when they get into the real world, however they get there. Even the most street wise of people struggle to adjust to living alone, paying bills, and work. That’s a very natural fear, and it’s also something that’s very easily overcome by doing it.”

  “But most people have been to a normal school,” she replies quietly. “They’ve been around various different people having these experiences all this time. I haven’t exactly had a normal teenage life. Or life before that, if I’m totally honest with you. That scares me.”

  The fact that she’s admitted that aloud is huge. Her words make my heart race in my chest because it’s something of a break through. “I know you haven’t,” I answer her in the calmest tone of voice that I can manage. “But most people don’t have a totally normal childhood. I think that you assume everyone else has had a smooth life, but they haven’t. Yes, you’ve been educated here where you can be protected, but that doesn’t mean you’ve missed out.”

  As I say those words I think about my own
childhood and I know that I’m lying. I had a very rambunctious fun time at school, hooking up, partying, having lots of fun. Yes, I learned lots too, but most of my learning came from my social life. I can see better why Pru is so worried when I think of it like that. My heart goes out to her as I realize there isn’t much I can do to bring the past few years back for her. Her asshole father who beat her up and put her in the hospital took that all away from her and there isn’t any getting it back. It’s horrible to think of how she is stuck now.

  “I guess I just don’t know if I’m ready,” Pru sighs. As she fiddles with her fingers I wish I could read her mind to see what she’s panicking about. “I want to be ready because I don’t want to end up stuck here in a rut because of fear, but I don’t know if I am. How do you think I can tell that I am?”

  “I suppose you could so some research. I don’t often like to tell people to start researching online because it can be a real nightmare, but I think maybe you should. If you look up jobs and apartments in the area and ways to plan out your budget, you might feel much more prepared. I know that it won’t give you advice on everything, but it’s a start. If you get more versed in the practical side of things then maybe the rest of it won’t be so daunting. You can focus on it more.”

  Pru chews down on her bottom lip as she considers my words and she nods. “Yeah, okay. Maybe you’re right. I don’t ever spend much time online because it’s hard to get the tablets off the other kids but I’ll do what I can. Maybe if they realize I’m going, it’ll be easier.”

  I don’t know if she’s right. Some of the kids have reacted to their personal trauma by becoming louder and obnoxious. I don’t blame them, that’s probably the way that I’d be if I went through some of the things that they have, but the children like Pru get swallowed up in all of that.

  “That’s a good idea and I might even put out a request that you get the tablet for research reasons. If I make the demand then maybe it’ll be listened to.” I let out a little chuckle and shake my head. “Although I don’t think Leah will listen much to me either.”

  “Thank you.” I hope the flush in Pru’s cheeks now is more because of happiness and a sense of confidence than embarrassment. “That’s great, it means a lot to me.”

  I hold her gaze for a moment, swimming in the blueness of her eyes. I’m struck, like I often am by her beauty. She holds a prettiness that I haven’t seen in other women before. I’ve found them attractive and obviously sexy, but Pru is different. There’s an aura around her that’s unique.

  “Right, well I suppose I better get on. I know you’re a busy man.” Pru pushes herself into a standing position and straightens her skirt down her long legs. “But thank you as always, and I’ll see you next week? Same time on Monday? Is that right, I haven’t checked the schedule yet?”

  “Actually, I think I’d like to see you again this week.” If she’s going soon I want to spend as much time with her as possible. “I have a free space on Friday if that’s okay with you?”

  “What time?” I don’t know if I imagine it, but her eyes seem to light up.

  “Four PM? Just before I leave for the weekend?” She nods eagerly, her hair bouncing up and down as she does. I love seeing her lovely happy face, it makes me smile. “Great. See you then.”

  “Bye, Pru. You take care of yourself, okay?”

  “I will,” she almost whispers. “And you.”

  When she swishes out my office and she shuts the door behind her, I lean back in my chair and think for a few moments. There has to be some way I can help her, something I can do. I feel like it’s my duty to do this for Pru. I’ve seen her journey this far, and I don’t want to leave her all alone now.

  Maybe I shouldn’t be thinking this way, maybe I’ve done what I need to do and I have to let her go, but I don’t think I can do this. Is this something I can ask any of my work colleagues about or will they think it’s me getting too close? I don’t want to be seen as someone weird…

  Urgh, this is idiotic. I shake my head. What am I worrying for? Pru will be fine.

  I imagine her tackling the world well, becoming a strong and confident career woman with a husband and children, and I know that she can have that if she wants it. It’ll be weird to think of her surviving in the world without my help, but I suppose that’ll happen eventually.

  I’ll just have to keep working here and helping out other kids. It’ll be fine.

  Chapter Four – Prudence

  I wander through the hallway in a bit of a daze all the way back to my bedroom. Well, not my room, the shared dorm room, but all the way to my bed at least. Kids and noise fill the whole place but I don’t really hear any of it because my head is all over the place. How can I think about what others are playing and doing when I have so much else on my mind? Mr. Banker has given me a whole lot to think about, and my mind is soaking it all the way in.

  He believes in me, he thinks I can have a good life, he has confidence in me when I don’t have any in myself. His words make me think that he sees me having a great job, at least a few friends, and maybe even a relationship. We didn’t discuss anything to do with romance and love, but I feel like the undertones were there. I wanted to talk about it, but I couldn’t quite get the words out so I hope that Mr. Banker understood where I was getting at. How can I even think about having a boyfriend when I haven’t even had my first kiss? At almost eighteen years old I know it’s a bit tragic, but how can I have any experience in here? It’s a bit like a prison in a way.

  Once my body is resting on the sheets below me, I allow my eyes to slide close and I try to envision how I want my perfect life to look. I’ve been doing this a lot recently as I try to get myself used to moving on. I guess that I hope visualization will help me to achieve all my goals.

  At first I see myself wandering around in a wonderful apartment that looks over the New York City skyline, the sort of sleek place that I see a lot on TV and in movies. I know that’s unaffordable, I haven’t been left any money to get me started when I leave here like some of the other children, but I’d rather plan for the best because otherwise I’ll freak myself out. I see myself with nice furniture, art hanging on the walls, awesome stuff filling my apartment, things I don’t really need, I just have for the sake of it.

  Then I see myself going to work in some standard office where I do some generic job. Maybe I should have better ambitions than that, but I’m not concerned with what I do with my future career. I just want to live well, comfortably, I just want a job that keeps me happy. I do okay in schooling, but not well enough to aim too high. I missed out on too much when I was younger to catch up now. I see myself working with nice girls who want to be my friends, who gossip with me, who actually like me for who I am. I bask in their friendships, enjoying the way they make me feel.

  The girls who are my fantasy friends take me out dancing in night clubs. Of course, I don’t really know what any of these really look like, so again that’s only something I can judge from what I’ve seen in the media. There are glamorous, exciting places filled with beautiful men and women who are drinking and having fun. In this part of my day dream, I’m dressed in a skimpy red dress that actually looks amazing on me. It gives me a cleavage that I don’t have in real life, and long legs that don’t have any trouble walking in high heels. I look like a fashion model which is awesome…

  I would love that to be my life. I would love to walk out of here and wander into this fantastic life where I have the great job, the awesome friends, the nice home, but I suppose it’s unrealistic. This is why Mr. Banker is right, I need to take his advice and do some serious research into the practical reality of what it’ll be like. If I can arrange some job interviews and apartment viewings then it’ll be a great start. If I can work out where I’m going to need money for bills so I can see how much I’ll have to earn to make it work, then that’s a start. A real move in the right direction.

  “Yo, Prudence,” Leah’s course voice calls across the room. “You been with
Banker?”

  We never talk, not really, she only involves me in her chat if it’s something that she wants to inadvertently discuss with the whole room. I don’t much like her and her brash way of life, but at the same time I’m really jealous of her. She has confidence rolling off her in waves, she’s the sort of person who won’t have any trouble out there in the real world. She’s only fourteen years of age at the moment, so she’s got a while before she can go, but I guess she would do better than me.

  “Yeah,” I sigh quietly as I reply. “I’ve just got out from my appointment now.”

  “He’s fit, isn’t he?” Of course, I knew there had to be something she wants to bellow out across the room. “Like, smoking hot. There are so many things that I would love to do to him.”

  I squeeze my eyes shut and I try to block out her words. I really don’t need reminding of how insecure and inexperienced I am in that area. Leah is one of those who spends her whole life on the tablets and she’s always telling us how she’s broken through the firewalls and found sexual things. She shows pornography to the others, but I never ever want to see it. That’s something I’m just going to have to find out on my own, in my own time, if that moment ever arrives.

  “What would you do?” someone yells back, I don’t want to see who. “Go on, Leah.”

  “Oh, I would do all sorts of things to his cock, he wouldn’t even know what’s coming…”

  I can’t stand it, I don’t want to hear any of it so I turn on my side to attempt to block it out a bit. Why does she have to be so crude when it comes to Mr. Banker? She couldn’t do any of those things anyway, she’s much too young. He probably has real women who want him anyway.